julietsierra
Posts: 1841
Joined: 9/26/2004
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quote:
ORIGINAL: michaels4evr
I understand what you mean juliet, and as I said some infractions carry more weight than others. When there are little people involved, there are some things that just CAN NOT be allowed to happen again. When issues of safety come into play, its simply not good enough for me to understand he is an intelligent person who makes mistakes. Some mistakes lead to loss of life or freedom. It is not my desire to experience either one of those. (and actually mistake isn't the correct term here..he made a decision. The decision he made had severe consequences. It wasn't some oopsie that had an inadvertant negative impact.) To me, earning the trust back is not about him saying he's sorry, or speaking any other words. Rather, its proof over time that what happened won't happen again. Its putting things in place to ensure that it won't. Two minutes before it happened you couldn't have paid me a million bucks to say that it would ever happen. Therefore, there is no way for me to get back to that point unless he is willing to do what I need him to do to reassure me that it won't. And even then, it is possible that that won't be enough. However, if his apology was reluctant, then of course we would be totally through. His admission that he is at fault would not diminish his status in my eyes, quite the opposite actually. I could not respect someone who was not willing to admit to his frailties and be will to make amends. And btw, he released me, so we aren't even talking about my choice to stay in a D/s relationship with him. We are married with little people. For now we are still co-habitating, but as he released me, it seems we are now at square one.
Thanks for your continued insight.
-michael's
I understand. I don't agree with that process, but everyone's different. Relationships are relationships and little ones or not, relationships are relationships. Other than the issues at stake if moms and dads break up, I'm not sure how little ones have a bearing on "safety" within a D/s relationship or why they are even part of the equation. No disrespect meant, but aside from the obvious issues such as drugs and killing someone, I can't think of a situation where I would demand he jump through hoops. I wanted a relationship where he was directly in charge - not just in charge as long as I liked what was happening. Consequently, my goal is to have myself heard without disrupting that dynamic.He absolutely gets to make up his own mind about what he wants to do and when and how and with whom. I only asked for what I needed within the context of that.
I believe that looking for constant reassurance that something won't happen is keeping a carrot in front of the horse in order to get him to do the work. The fact is, you can't EVER know it won't happen again. So this keeps the person always striving for approval and that's something I just won't be a part of.
Again, no disrespect intended because everyone's situation is different, but to me, every time I read about demanding reassurances, earning trust back as if it's the golden ring, etc, I'm reminded of the poodles at the circus jumping through the hoops and turning circles at the hands of the ringmaster and that's a concept that's pretty much an anethma to me.
The bottom line is that someone could strive for their entire lives and never regain trust. They could do every single thing right forever and be the perfect individual, and never reach a point where they can know that the events that caused the whole loss of trust in the first place had been put in the category of a difficult but past memory. In the end, regardless of the hoops that people are made to jump through, it STILL comes down to the decision on the part of the "wronged" party to move on. So... I just skip all that other stuff in the middle and make my decision from where I stand - all things being equal... no one being perfect.
But like I said, everyone's different.
juliet
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RE: Its a Matter Of Trust - 
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Amen to that, Stephann. I couldn't agree more. The bottom line, to me, is "Is this relationship worth saving?" If it is, I can work through most anything. Everyone does indeed make mistakes though you wouldn't know it to read some of the posts we see. Some people seem to be perfect
, never needing forgiveness. I guess it's just hard for some people to admit. I absolutely agree that learning from mistakes and living through them and moving on is something one sees in mature, healthy, stable relationships. Others can't survive such growing pains..............luci
Thank you Julietsierra!!!! 
though we've had trash every week for many many years he never can seem to remember it! I can't trust my cat not to drink out of my water glass if it's on the floor. In all these instances (silly as they are I know) *I* had to decide not only how I was going to react in the future to these things but if it is worth continuing the relationship based on all the other good things. I'll keep the husband and the cat. 
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