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domme/sub - 8/11/2005 11:56:18 AM

tarnishedhalo777

Posts: 119
Status: offline

who is it hardest on when the breakup occurs? B/c I could walk away from anyone before but I am having a hard time now.I said play instead of the total breakup that he requested only b/c I still want him in my life.He was agreeable to that as he feels he is not ready for a relationship at this time. Should I just move on?

Post #: 1

RE: domme/sub - 8/11/2005 3:11:38 PM

saret

Posts: 71
Joined: 4/27/2005
Status: offline

I had a little difficulty understanding your question, but it sounds like -

- you had a relationship with someone
- you developed strong feelings for the other person, and this is unusal for you
- issues in the relationship developed (what issues, what is the situation?)
- he wants to break it off
- you want to continue the relationship, but he doesn't want to
- you are willing to just "play" or be intimate, but not classify it as a "relationship"
- you are looking for advice on what to do

Am I interpreting this correctly?

If so, erm. Thats always a terribly sticky situation. These are personal emotional issues that you should work out before bringing BDSM into the picture.

Everyone's situation and relationship is different. so I can't speak for everyone. But a lot of times, trying to repair a relationship that has ended is often more trouble than its worth - and no matter how much you crave them, once you are together with the person again, you usually remember why you broke up in the first place.

It sounds like his feeling for you have waned signifigantly, so I would reccomend spending some time apart before trying to be intimate again, or trying to rebuild a friendship. Being around him like this might just be really painful for you, as you watch him with other people, or are around him knowing he just doesn't feel the same way anymore.

Breaking it off is usually the healthiest thing to do, for everyone's sanity involved.
That way, you don't get resentful of him, and he doesnt get aggravated with you.

In the end though, you have to do what you think is best for you.

-S-

(in reply to tarnishedhalo777)

Post #: 2

RE: domme/sub - 8/11/2005 7:07:54 PM

LadyAngelika

Posts: 8070
Joined: 7/4/2004
Status: offline

quote:

who is it hardest on when the breakup occurs?

This is not a dom/sub thing. This is a human being thing. Usually, if both people are in touch with their feelings, it will hurt both. How they heal all depends on how they decide to deal with the situation.

I recently broke up with my boy. It is hard on both of us. We both also realise that it is the best thing for us to do and we will let each other heal without drama.

- LA

_____________________________

Une main de fer dans un gant de velours ~ An iron hand in a velvet glove

(in reply to tarnishedhalo777)

Post #: 3

RE: domme/sub - 8/11/2005 7:20:48 PM

EmeraldSlave2

Posts: 3645
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyAngelika

quote:

who is it hardest on when the breakup occurs?

This is not a dom/sub thing. This is a human being thing. Usually, if both people are in touch with their feelings, it will hurt both. How they heal all depends on how they decide to deal with the situation.

I recently broke up with my boy. It is hard on both of us. We both also realise that it is the best thing for us to do and we will let each other heal without drama.

- LA

Aw no!!!! Hugs!!!

(in reply to LadyAngelika)

Post #: 4

RE: domme/sub - 8/11/2005 11:01:17 PM

MadameDahlia

Posts: 2021
Joined: 8/11/2004
From: SoCal aka Hell
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyAngelika

quote:

who is it hardest on when the breakup occurs?

This is not a dom/sub thing. This is a human being thing. Usually, if both people are in touch with their feelings, it will hurt both. How they heal all depends on how they decide to deal with the situation.

I recently broke up with my boy. It is hard on both of us. We both also realise that it is the best thing for us to do and we will let each other heal without drama.

- LA

I'm very sorry to hear that. I hope that you're doing well despite the loss.

I still luv ya!

_____________________________

Insanity -- a perfectly rational adjustment to an insane world.
--R. D. Laing

"Oh, but if I went 'round sayin' I was Emperor, just because some moistened bint lobbed a scimitar at me, they'd put me away."

(in reply to LadyAngelika)

Post #: 5

RE: domme/sub - 8/11/2005 11:33:13 PM

saret

Posts: 71
Joined: 4/27/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyAngelika

This is not a dom/sub thing. This is a human being thing. Usually, if both people are in touch with their feelings, it will hurt both. How they heal all depends on how they decide to deal with the situation.

Yeah. What you said. I just cant say anything in under 3 paragraphs. Sheesh.

quote:

I recently broke up with my boy. It is hard on both of us. We both also realise that it is the best thing for us to do and we will let each other heal without drama.

- LA

Oh no! Im sorry .... I hope you're both doing alright.

-S-

(in reply to LadyAngelika)

Post #: 6

RE: domme/sub - 8/11/2005 11:46:38 PM

CalliopePurple

Posts: 2539
Joined: 11/29/2004
From: SeaTac area
Status: offline

*Offers hugs, chocolate, and alcohol of choice to LA*

_____________________________

Kimi ni aitakute dare yori mo aitakute
hajimete kimi ni atta hoshizora no shita de.
Kimi ni tsutaetai todokanai omoi demo
boku no kokoro wa mada kimi o sagashiteiru.

Gackt - Kimi ni Aitakute

(in reply to saret)

Post #: 7

RE: domme/sub - 8/11/2005 11:55:17 PM

brightspot

Posts: 3052
Status: offline

Who is it hardest on, I think that is a very individual thing, and what the circumstances are.

I have found it easiest after one of us in the relationship has states they want out, to make a complete break. Take time to heal while also preparing to move forward.
When the time is right and you are secure inside once again, a friendship is always possible.

To try and hang on through "play" may cause the relationship to deteriorate further, with no chance of mending, taking into concideration You are the one having a hard time with this.
It can be really difficult, but I would break off completly with no contact at all and turn my face forward to tomorrow, don't you think you deserve to be with someone who can give you more? I do!, Good Luck!

*Brightspot

Sorry to hear that news LA, hope you're okay

< Message edited by brightspot -- 8/12/2005 12:00:53 AM >

_____________________________

"Comedy is NOT Pretty!" ~Peter Nelson

But..."May at Least One person have a sense of Humor!" ~KML.

http://360.yahoo.com/my_profile-TD4TwEw8crWS3GHFDcs_DK1rHmW6Dq_E;_ylt=Av2PfG9gH0wkQrMPivuMCivGAOJ3

(in reply to tarnishedhalo777)

Post #: 8

RE: domme/sub - 8/12/2005 12:13:49 AM

BlkTallFullfig

Posts: 5585
Joined: 6/25/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: brightspot
I have found it easiest after one of us in the relationship has states they want out, to make a complete break. Take time to heal while also preparing to move forward.
When the time is right and you are secure inside once again, a friendship is always possible.

To try and hang on through "play" may cause the relationship to deteriorate further, with no chance of mending

*Brightspot

I agree completely that a clean/complete break is best until the emotions are worked out and everyone is more balanced.
Playing when you heart wants/needs more simply complicates things and prolongs the arrival to the inevitable. In my opinion, the longer one dwells on unrequited love the more painful and difficult it becomes to imagine living with self and maybe loving another.. M

_____________________________

a.k.a. SexyBossyBBW
""Touching was, and still is, and will always be, the true revolution" Nikki Giovanni

(in reply to brightspot)

Post #: 9

RE: domme/sub - 8/12/2005 4:27:59 AM

tarnishedhalo777

Posts: 119
Status: offline

Thank You all for your support.
I knew in my heart to walk away w/ my head held high is what's best for me...
I just needed to hear it.
I know I can't watch him be w./ others,that's why I came to this site.
I will loose my self-respect if I continue to see him for play b/c I know I'm settling.
Nor will i play second fiddle or share!
I love him but Yes it is time to move on.
He had left me once before,and came back but he wasn't looking for others at that time.so its a wee bit different now.
Thank you again ((((( 4 yall))))

_____________________________

I will not die the death of loneliness by being afraid to love and afraid to get hurt. I will not commit figurative suicide by leaving my potential underdeveloped because I am afraid to take risks.

(in reply to tarnishedhalo777)

Post #: 10

RE: domme/sub - 8/12/2005 5:25:56 AM

Oumae

Posts: 911
Joined: 1/4/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: tarnishedhalo777

Thank You all for your support.
I knew in my heart to walk away w/ my head held high is what's best for me...
I just needed to hear it.
I know I can't watch him be w./ others,that's why I came to this site.
I will loose my self-respect if I continue to see him for play b/c I know I'm settling.
Nor will i play second fiddle or share!
I love him but Yes it is time to move on.
He had left me once before,and came back but he wasn't looking for others at that time.so its a wee bit different now.
Thank you again ((((( 4 yall))))

Good luck to you in finding what you do deserve and want.

Oumae

_____________________________

Is cuma le fear na mbrog ca leagann se a chos.
( The man with the boots does not mind where he places his foot)

(in reply to tarnishedhalo777)

Post #: 11

RE: domme/sub - 8/12/2005 5:27:29 AM

Oumae

Posts: 911
Joined: 1/4/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyAngelika

I recently broke up with my boy. It is hard on both of us. We both also realise that it is the best thing for us to do and we will let each other heal without drama.

- LA

Warm thoughts to you.

Oumae

_____________________________

Is cuma le fear na mbrog ca leagann se a chos.
( The man with the boots does not mind where he places his foot)

(in reply to LadyAngelika)

Post #: 12

RE: domme/sub - 8/12/2005 6:21:12 AM

LadyAngelika

Posts: 8070
Joined: 7/4/2004
Status: offline

Thanks to all for the warm thoughts. I am truly doing ok. We ended things in such a way that after some time has passed, we will be able to to have a friendship. That is important to me.

He is truly a wonderful boy and I do still love him deeply. It's just that after almost a year of being together, when we both looked ahead to our future together and we realised that we had a very different vision of what we wanted to happen and unfortunately, they were not very compatible with one another. I think to reduce the pain and drama in a break-up, it is important to do it honourably, remembering all the good times you've shared and what you've learned from one another and not letting the fact that you've chosen different paths taint the beauty of what once was.

I believe I was truly blessed by what he and I shared and as much as it hurts to let him go, I have absolutely no regrets of the time I spent with him.

tarnishedhalo777, much like you, it was important for me to walk away with my head held high, not only for myself but to set an example for my boy as he has a history of incredibly dramatic breakups. I think as we get older and wiser, we handle these moments with so much more grace.

And of course we count on our girlfriends for the wine and chocolate afterwards!!

- LA

_____________________________

Une main de fer dans un gant de velours ~ An iron hand in a velvet glove

(in reply to Oumae)

Post #: 13

RE: domme/sub - 8/12/2005 6:36:08 AM

nella

Posts: 1243
Joined: 12/30/2004
From: Norway
Status: offline

i am sorry to hear aboute your brakeup. i wish you the best.

As for who a brakeup is hardest on, i think that deptends more on peronality, the type of relationship, and things like that alot more than orientation.

(in reply to LadyAngelika)

Post #: 14

RE: domme/sub - 8/12/2005 7:38:12 AM

Oumae

Posts: 911
Joined: 1/4/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyAngelika

I believe I was truly blessed by what he and I shared and as much as it hurts to let him go, I have absolutely no regrets of the time I spent with him.

- LA

This to me is the attitude that helps anyone get through a breakup.... focus on the positives and think what you have learned from the relationship. A positive attitude helps recovery.

Oumae

_____________________________

Is cuma le fear na mbrog ca leagann se a chos.
( The man with the boots does not mind where he places his foot)

(in reply to LadyAngelika)

Post #: 15

RE: domme/sub - 8/12/2005 12:27:57 PM

BlkTallFullfig

Posts: 5585
Joined: 6/25/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyAngelika
I think to reduce the pain and drama in a break-up, it is important to do it honourably, remembering all the good times you've shared and what you've learned from one another and not letting the fact that you've chosen different paths taint the beauty of what once was.

I believe I was truly blessed by what he and I shared and as much as it hurts to let him go, I have absolutely no regrets of the time I spent with him.
- LA

I agree, minimum drama, taking the positive, thinking of the relationship as a learning experience, is a great way to end things where all are left with dignity intact.
I'm sorry for your loss. Hugs and would hand you a box of Godiva if I were close. M

_____________________________

a.k.a. SexyBossyBBW
""Touching was, and still is, and will always be, the true revolution" Nikki Giovanni

(in reply to LadyAngelika)

Post #: 16

RE: domme/sub - 8/12/2005 2:04:52 PM

tarnishedhalo777

Posts: 119
Status: offline

I called him this morning and told him of my decision,unfortunately,it went straight to voicemail as his phone was not yet on.I composed a letter today at work to send him regarding my reasoning why I just cannot do casual play after a commited relationship at this time.it hurts but maybe now he won't feel so bad about hurting me.

< Message edited by tarnishedhalo777 -- 8/14/2005 4:37:32 PM >

_____________________________

I will not die the death of loneliness by being afraid to love and afraid to get hurt. I will not commit figurative suicide by leaving my potential underdeveloped because I am afraid to take risks.

(in reply to LadyAngelika)

Post #: 17

RE: domme/sub - 8/12/2005 3:06:45 PM

tarnishedhalo777

Posts: 119
Status: offline

Sorry to hear about yours ( ).
I just sent my goodbye/thank you email and damn it hurts.
he just doesnt want to feel the feelings he is feeling for me.He is going thro a difficult divorce and isnt ready for a relationship right now.
I do believe he cared and he did try for awhile to be committed to me.
I feel bad i sent it in an email but w/ him in different states,it makes it difficult to get together to just talk.
I just didnt know how to go to just playing right now. I cant do the redefining us knowing he is actively looking on another site.
thanks y'all for your help and support.I'm glad I came here.

< Message edited by tarnishedhalo777 -- 10/2/2005 11:30:53 AM >

_____________________________

I will not die the death of loneliness by being afraid to love and afraid to get hurt. I will not commit figurative suicide by leaving my potential underdeveloped because I am afraid to take risks.

(in reply to LadyAngelika)

Post #: 18

RE: domme/sub - 8/12/2005 3:09:28 PM

BlkTallFullfig

Posts: 5585
Joined: 6/25/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: tarnishedhalo777
I called Glenn this morning and told him of my decision,unfortunately,it went straight to voicemail as his phone was not yet on.I composed a letter today at work to send him regarding my reasoning why I just cannot do casual play after a commited relationship at this time.it hurt

Hope your friends and family will be good to you while your heart mends. In time you will be okay, and you can only find wht you need if you are open, willing and able to receiving the gift when it comes to you (is my belief). M

_____________________________

a.k.a. SexyBossyBBW
""Touching was, and still is, and will always be, the true revolution" Nikki Giovanni

(in reply to tarnishedhalo777)

Post #: 19

RE: domme/sub - 8/12/2005 4:44:05 PM

GoddessDustyGold

Posts: 2822
Joined: 4/11/2004
From: Arizona
Status: offline

So sorry to hear about your breakup, Lady A.
And to tarnishedholo777, IMO, you have made the wisest choice.
*passes bottles of Cabernet, and offers the warm fondues to both*

_____________________________

Dusty
They that give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety
B Franklin
Don't blame Me ~ I didn't vote for either of them
The Hidden Kingdom

(in reply to LadyAngelika)

Post #: 20

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