Speaking up....is it worth the risk?

Speaking up....is it worth the risk? (Full Version)

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breatheasone -> Speaking up....is it worth the risk? (11/24/2007 11:55:20 AM)
Ok I have tried to collect my thoughts about this and have come up with these questions... Has anyone ("s" types) seen a pattern of behavior in there "D" type that was truly trouble waiting to happen, but were afraid to broach the subject because you were worried that the afore mentioned "D" type might say..."Thats just how I am, so perhaps I'm not the one for you." For the "D" types.... How troubling would it be if your "s" type brought something to your attention(with FULL respect of course) that you KNEW would be VERY difficult to change and or address? Thanks in advance.... Sincerely, Candy

childoftheshadow -> RE: Speaking up....is it worth the risk? (11/24/2007 11:58:19 AM)
Hello Candy, A few years ago, I was in the position where I had to tell my partner, well bring to his attention anyway, something about himself that was self distructive and needed to change. Not just for himself, but for me and our relationship. It was really hard to do, but it had to be done or it would have been the end of us. Thankfully, he listened to me and my concerns and things have changed.

SirJohnMandevill -> RE: Speaking up....is it worth the risk? (11/24/2007 12:06:54 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: breatheasone For the "D" types.... How troubling would it be if your "s" type brought something to your attention that you KNEW would be VERY difficult to change and or address? I magine much depends on how it was brought to my attention and how I felt about my sub. For example, after taking a number of good whippings, my former sub simply asked me not to do it any more because she couldn't stand that particular type of pain. No demands involved. Although I greatly enjoy impact play, I agreed because I cared for her a great deal, and she for me. We simply found other deliciously wicked things to do. Les (Illegitimate son of the Marquis de Sade and Don Marquis)

CreativeDominant -> RE: Speaking up....is it worth the risk? (11/24/2007 12:08:09 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: breatheasone Ok I have tried to collect my thoughts about this and have come up with these questions... Has anyone ("s" types) seen a pattern of behavior in there "D" type that was truly trouble waiting to happen, but were afraid to broach the subject because you were worried that the afore mentioned "D" type might say..."Thats just how I am, so perhaps I'm not the one for you." Difficult area. Depending on what the area is, he may well be right when he says this to you. Let's face it, a pattern of behavior that a submissive (or anyone, for that matter) sees as disturbing or troubling in another person may be put into the "truly troubling" category based only on their own...perhaps skewed...perception. And of course, there is the whole question of how much can a submissive expect a dominant to change his behavior to accomodate the submissive vs. what can be expected to change when the dominant addresses the submissive's behavior. I think it comes down to the submissive being able to look at something and deciding...rightly or wrongly...whether or not it is going to be a bigger problem for her in the future. If she knows that it is, then it is probably best to communicate that now than it is to wait until things go "boom" for her. For the "D" types.... How troubling would it be if your "s" type brought something to your attention that you KNEW would be VERY difficult to change and or address? Thanks in advance.... Sincerely, Candy Again, it depends on what it would be. Drug or alcohol use? I would hope that I would not be one of those to deny that I had a problem. Hours I spend at work? An open mind but with the knowledge that the type of work I do is not always based on a 9 - 5 schedule. There are so many things that could be brought out and yeah, there are some things that I know I would not change but to sit down and think what they are right at this time without consideration of someone specific and their importance in my life is a difficult task.

adoracat -> RE: Speaking up....is it worth the risk? (11/24/2007 12:13:14 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: breatheasone Has anyone ("s" types) seen a pattern of behavior in there "D" type that was truly trouble waiting to happen, but were afraid to broach the subject because you were worried that the afore mentioned "D" type might say..."Thats just how I am, so perhaps I'm not the one for you." For the "D" types.... How troubling would it be if your "s" type brought something to your attention(with FULL respect of course) that you KNEW would be VERY difficult to change and or address? Thanks in advance.... Sincerely, Candy did it. told fallcon that i loved him with all my heart but if he started drinking again, that i would NOT be able to have him under my roof, and he WOULD have to relocate. immediately. he didnt drink again after that slip. i know how he struggled with the alcoholism, and how hard it was for him, but i also knew i couldnt live like that. i could tell Daddy anything, as long as i was respectful. i have before, and will continue to do so. kitten

slaveofKaos -> RE: Speaking up....is it worth the risk? (11/24/2007 12:15:26 PM)
I have been in the situation where I aproached my Dominant about something and I got the response "well maybe we don't have as much in common as I thought" I then told him it had nothing to do with what we had in common and I got the response "well this is who I am and I can't change who I am, if I could I would. I would rather end up alone and miserable than to have someone in m life who can't deal with the way I am." I was thrown off guard by everything that he said as i've never come across anyone in my life who talked like this, but then I learned that this particular Dominant wasn't like anyone else i've ever known in my entire life. His thoughts and the way he thinks, I don't know ow to explain it, but he definatly needs to see a therapist.

breatheasone -> RE: Speaking up....is it worth the risk? (11/24/2007 12:31:06 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: childoftheshadow Hello Candy, A few years ago, I was in the position where I had to tell my partner, well bring to his attention anyway, something about himself that was self distructive and needed to change. Not just for himself, but for me and our relationship. It was really hard to do, but it had to be done or it would have been the end of us. Thankfully, he listened to me and my concerns and things have changed. Thanks for sharing that...I don't believe I am dealing with self destructive behavior on His part but rather "absent minded inconsideration" maybe. Its VERY hurtful when it happens, although I know He doesn't intend to be hurtful...and there in lies my dilemma. In my heart I know He is perfect for me, which is why the behavior is so hurtful. Then I also question myself...am I being unreasonable?....am I being to rigid? I know I am dancing all around this, and I'm sorry...I just don't want to embarrass my Master ...but I also need some in put here....

RRafe -> RE: Speaking up....is it worth the risk? (11/24/2007 12:33:30 PM)
If it's a pattern in me, I listen. I'm capable of having those little lightbulb moments. Sometimes it's more of an issue with the sub-and just means we aren't a very good match. I'm not very interested in carrying on a relationship with someone who's so hooked on drama and atention-that she needs to create issues out of thin air.

rawkmehard -> RE: Speaking up....is it worth the risk? (11/24/2007 12:34:53 PM)
it is worth the risk, if for no other reason than this: to pretend it doesn't bother you is a lie. lying to your Dom is really not a good thing. it breeds distrust on both parties. it breeds an unstated expectation that somehow by magic, He will realize and change His ways. and when He doesn't, you may end up resenting Him...and then you'll have a huge fight about something unrelated. in the middle of that fight, you'll blurt out the truth, and it will floor Him. not that i'm speaking from experience or anything....

daddyncherry -> RE: Speaking up....is it worth the risk? (11/24/2007 12:39:06 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: breatheasone quote: ORIGINAL: childoftheshadow Hello Candy, A few years ago, I was in the position where I had to tell my partner, well bring to his attention anyway, something about himself that was self distructive and needed to change. Not just for himself, but for me and our relationship. It was really hard to do, but it had to be done or it would have been the end of us. Thankfully, he listened to me and my concerns and things have changed. Thanks for sharing that...I don't believe I am dealing with self destructive behavior on His part but rather "absent minded inconsideration" maybe. Its VERY hurtful when it happens, although I know He doesn't intend to be hurtful...and there in lies my dilemma. In my heart I know He is perfect for me, which is why the behavior is so hurtful. Then I also question myself...am I being unreasonable?....am I being to rigid? I know I am dancing all around this, and I'm sorry...I just don't want to embarrass my Master ...but I also need some in put here.... (first i totally respect you for the part that i BOLDED out....i feel the same way.) i've had situations where i went to my Daddy/Master and told him something that was bothering me...or i did in a passive agressive way (not on purpose) where i would talk to the kitties and speak my mind to them...telling them of something that was hurting me....To which my Daddy's shocking (to me) response was, and this added to the hurt "Well baby, you better decide if this is the life you want to have" Ughh...this has been said to me on a few occasions and it is usually about something within a lack of communication or miscommunication situation. Sooo i typically cry....sit back and re-evaluate things and decide if i can deal with it or not. Obviously i am still here so for today....i can handle it.

missturbation -> RE: Speaking up....is it worth the risk? (11/24/2007 12:58:33 PM)
quote: Has anyone ("s" types) seen a pattern of behavior in there "D" type that was truly trouble waiting to happen, but were afraid to broach the subject because you were worried that the afore mentioned "D" type might say..."Thats just how I am, so perhaps I'm not the one for you." Yes. I'm not sure what else to add really other than i think the D in question knew / knows there is a pattern of behaviour there and will address it when they are ready to.

feralkyttin -> RE: Speaking up....is it worth the risk? (11/24/2007 1:04:20 PM)
Speaking up is well worth the risk. One need only be willing to take the risk. Am I still trolling, lurking, or am I an active participant, yet?

breatheasone -> RE: Speaking up....is it worth the risk? (11/24/2007 1:10:27 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: RRafe If it's a pattern in me, I listen. I'm capable of having those little lightbulb moments. Sometimes it's more of an issue with the sub-and just means we aren't a very good match. I'm not very interested in carrying on a relationship with someone who's so hooked on drama and atention-that she needs to create issues out of thin air. Not sure where the part I put in bold type came from but ok....Its just peachy keen that you stay away from drama queens and attention seekers...I'm happy for you.

dawntreader -> RE: Speaking up....is it worth the risk? (11/24/2007 1:12:04 PM)
*Fear is a terrible thing to have...i have been working on letting go of fear all my life~* When you get to a place where you have lost every relationship you have ever had and survived, you will learn not to fear speaking your mind~

breatheasone -> RE: Speaking up....is it worth the risk? (11/24/2007 1:14:22 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: rawkmehard it is worth the risk, if for no other reason than this: to pretend it doesn't bother you is a lie. lying to your Dom is really not a good thing. it breeds distrust on both parties. it breeds an unstated expectation that somehow by magic, He will realize and change His ways. and when He doesn't, you may end up resenting Him...and then you'll have a huge fight about something unrelated. in the middle of that fight, you'll blurt out the truth, and it will floor Him. not that i'm speaking from experience or anything.... I agree... Thanks for perspective

breatheasone -> RE: Speaking up....is it worth the risk? (11/24/2007 1:16:17 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: daddyncherry quote: ORIGINAL: breatheasone quote: ORIGINAL: childoftheshadow Hello Candy, A few years ago, I was in the position where I had to tell my partner, well bring to his attention anyway, something about himself that was self distructive and needed to change. Not just for himself, but for me and our relationship. It was really hard to do, but it had to be done or it would have been the end of us. Thankfully, he listened to me and my concerns and things have changed. Thanks for sharing that...I don't believe I am dealing with self destructive behavior on His part but rather "absent minded inconsideration" maybe. Its VERY hurtful when it happens, although I know He doesn't intend to be hurtful...and there in lies my dilemma. In my heart I know He is perfect for me, which is why the behavior is so hurtful. Then I also question myself...am I being unreasonable?....am I being to rigid? I know I am dancing all around this, and I'm sorry...I just don't want to embarrass my Master ...but I also need some in put here.... (first i totally respect you for the part that i BOLDED out....i feel the same way.) i've had situations where i went to my Daddy/Master and told him something that was bothering me...or i did in a passive agressive way (not on purpose) where i would talk to the kitties and speak my mind to them...telling them of something that was hurting me....To which my Daddy's shocking (to me) response was, and this added to the hurt "Well baby, you better decide if this is the life you want to have" Ughh...this has been said to me on a few occasions and it is usually about something within a lack of communication or miscommunication situation. Sooo i typically cry....sit back and re-evaluate things and decide if i can deal with it or not. Obviously i am still here so for today....i can handle it. I guess thats what I'm afraid of....the dreaded "deal with it or move on" ultimatum.

breatheasone -> RE: Speaking up....is it worth the risk? (11/24/2007 1:17:55 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: missturbation quote: Has anyone ("s" types) seen a pattern of behavior in there "D" type that was truly trouble waiting to happen, but were afraid to broach the subject because you were worried that the afore mentioned "D" type might say..."Thats just how I am, so perhaps I'm not the one for you." Yes. I'm not sure what else to add really other than i think the D in question knew / knows there is a pattern of behaviour there and will address it when they are ready to. I see what you mean here... patiences is a virtue I have too little of I'm afraid...Thats why I'm questioning myself.

littlebitxxx -> RE: Speaking up....is it worth the risk? (11/24/2007 1:18:27 PM)
Hugs to you breatheasone. Talking about hurtful behaviour on anyone's part is not fun, but the need is there. I have found that if I write a letter it's easier on both parties whereby the face-to-face isn't there, sort of a more comfortable distance. He's not watching my eyes as I say it so I don't get all tongue-tied and wordless. I'm not watching his reactions and becoming defensive or pouty. I can write it at my leisure, taking the time to get the words just right, bring up the problem as I see it, give ONE or TWO examples to put it into perspective, then ramble on about how it makes me feel. When I give it, I explain what it is and that talking things out in a letter sometimes makes me feel more comfortable trying to explain. This way also he can read it at his leisure, alone and take the time to feel what I wrote, to absorb it. If his cheeks turn red, I'm not there to see it ;) If he gets angry or frustrated or defensive, he has time to re-read, maybe agree or disagree, let it sink in. But it gives both of us TIME before we discuss it. However you discuss it, you need to I think. If it is a possibility of hurting the relationship, it needs to be dealt with. I agree with rawkmehard that if it's left to fester, it may come out in the wrong way at the wrong time. Here if you feel the want to talk to someone else as well, but sending you hugs of support in the meantime. Love and light, sage

thetammyjo -> RE: Speaking up....is it worth the risk? (11/24/2007 1:19:34 PM)
If some personality trait or behavior is bothersome enough for you speak up for fear of ... what, I'm assuming the relationship ending?... then it must be important to you. However, since I don't try to change my slave's personality or behaviors beyond what is reasonable I think I deserve that same level of respect and realism in return. I don't think it's healthy to hold things in side but if the answer is "this is the way I am" then you may need to decide whether or not to continue. I don't think a mature and good dominant will use your speaking up against you though they may have hurt feelings if you brought up something they feel they cannot or do not wish to change.

breatheasone -> RE: Speaking up....is it worth the risk? (11/24/2007 1:20:00 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: feralkyttin Speaking up is well worth the risk. One need only be willing to take the risk. Am I still trolling, lurking, or am I an active participant, yet? Did I mention I'm a closet fraidy cat..... and I would definitely say a participant.

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