Advice for a novice

Collarspace Discussion Forums

Home Login Search

Advice for a novice

View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Mistress >> Advice for a novice

Page: [1] 2 next > >>

Login

Message

<< Older Topic Newer Topic >>

Advice for a novice - 11/25/2007 8:26:29 PM

sweetezzra

Posts: 5
Joined: 9/6/2004
Status: offline

I am a novice submissive who has recently had the great good fortune to meet a dominant woman who is willing to allow me to experience that which I have craved for so long. So responsible is this dominant that she has asked me to post on this forum for advice on how to experience this as a "newbie." My interests include power exchange, bondage, ass play, humiliation, discipline, servitude and the like. What should I watch out for? What should I be wary of? What should I take into consideration before agreeing to do such things?

Thanks for your reply,

S

Post #: 1

RE: Advice for a novice - 11/25/2007 8:47:09 PM

MasterFireMaam

Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline

Good lord. We can't possibly give you all that information in a single post. My suggestion is for you to start reading. Check out the list of books in my signature. That's a start.

Master Fire

_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
-----
Ms Relationship Books
-----
BDSM How-To Books

(in reply to sweetezzra)

Post #: 2

RE: Advice for a novice - 11/25/2007 9:25:35 PM

MistressOrifice

Posts: 1
Joined: 4/17/2007
Status: offline

MistressFireMaam, Certainly there are very basic safety issues sweetezzra should be made aware, and can be made aware of without a flip "oh, too much to undertake and so, I give you next to nothing", oh, and good luck. Are we not about a little more than that here in the community of collarme? I really have to say that I am a bit disappointed....

If he were a woman I am sure he would have quickly been met with advice about making sure someone other that you is aware of where you are going when you meet this new person, in case, heaven forbid, you don't return. Or to review a list of things he is both willing or not to engage in when playing for the very first time. These are basics that keep us all safe. Maybe we have some more experience, but is it so hard to give a jewel or two of real take home information to this man?

Surely someone can take a moment of their time and offer some tidbits of personal experience to guide him?

Slave to the community at large,

Mistress Orifice

(in reply to MasterFireMaam)

Post #: 3

RE: Advice for a novice - 11/25/2007 11:57:12 PM

MaamJay

Posts: 2101
Joined: 9/2/2005
Status: offline

I am a bit taken aback at such a "responsible Domme" who is not willing to guide a newbie submissive into an appropriate reading and learning program to prepare him for negotiating activities appropriately. Maybe She is actually a Domme in L-plates who is hoping to read the replies too??

That said ... some topics for the OP to research:
* safe calls
* safe words
* subspace
* sub drop
* aftercare
* sub frenzy/fever

That will get you started! It also pays to check out websites that explain bdsm activities to ensure that what you are thinking of as "discipline" is likely to be a commonly-held view of it ... but even more important to ask the Domme what SHE thinks it is! "Humiliation" in particular can be SO varied.

I would also NOT recommend bondage in a first play session ... you are so much more vulnerable then ... and you haven't yet had chance to build up sufficient trust. If you want to get the feel of rope, a competent Top should be able to bind parts of you minimally in ways that don't immobilise ... rope harnesses are excellent for that. And be sure to discuss safe sexual AND hygiene practices especially if you want to experience ass play ... and do discuss the SIZE and SAFETY of implements that are intended to be used! Emergency dept staff get really sick of removing broken light bulbs, coke bottles etc from orifices in which they weren't designed to be introduced!

Good luck!
Maam Jay aka violet[A]

_____________________________

Life is a song ... and I love singing it! (By me!)

(in reply to MistressOrifice)

Post #: 4

RE: Advice for a novice - 11/26/2007 5:04:02 AM

ShaktiSama

Posts: 1674
Joined: 8/13/2007
Status: offline

Honestly? I think Master Fire Ma'am is right. This is an awfully big question, and we have no way of knowing what the OP already knows and what he doesn't. He says this is something he has "craved for so long"--does that mean he's already read this and other forums, dozens of books on the subject, and a hundred webpages that list common DS terms, protocols, cautions, etc.? Or was he directed to this website after having been "caught in the wild", as it were, a natural but unschooled submissive with no previous exposure to the lifestyle, its community, etc?

Hipshot response to the basic question, of "what to be aware of/careful of" in pursuing your interests:

1) power exchange - One thing I seldom see mentioned anywhere, because it isn't necessarily the "fun part" of power exchange relationships--realism. Try to think in realistic terms, no matter how wild your fantasies may be, about how much power you can exchange with another person without destroying yourself and your life. There are some factors that people have a tendency to forget, in the rush to fling themselves at a dominant's feet--for example, how this relationship might impact your relationship to your family, your work, your friendships, your pursuit of other interests. Try to set at least some preliminary limit, and see if your domme is able to work within it and respect it for at least a month or two--she should have no problem with this if she's breaking in a newbie.

2) bondage - Make sure you have read at least one of the popular manuals on this subject, and that you are familiar with the safety protocols for the type of bondage you will be doing. These are important for the protection of your mistress AND yourself. Make sure that she has the equipment necessary to free you instantly if need be--this may be a pair of emt scissors, bolt cutters, whatever it takes to undo her bondage method of choice. Be aware of what positions and situations are the most dangerous and behave accordingly. Do not agree to be abandoned for any significant length of time while in bondage, or to be bound in a position in which you may fall. Keep your airway clear and know the warning signs--sometimes even experienced tops can make a tie just a bit too tight and cut off your circulation.

3) ass play - Take it slow. For some men, pain is part of the pleasure, but this is a delicate orifice and forcing it too wide too fast can result in serious damage. It's wise to start with fingers and toys which are not bigger than the average human penis.

Try to make sure you are always clean, outside and in, before such play begins--some dominants may make an enema part of the games, some may not, but you may need to perform one regardless before your hind end is suitable. It's wise to have your dominant wearing disposable gloves, especially if she sports long fingernails. Lube, lube and more lube is your friend.

4) humiliation -- The one thing I wish would be mentioned more often about humiliation games: not everyone wants to play them. Although these can be great fun for a domme and her submissive in private, playing humiliation games in public can be very rude and selfish. Seeing any person humiliated can be extremely unpleasant for a stranger, and make them very uncomfortable; it's never good to make other people non-consensual participants in DS play. Save it for Halloween or leather-friendly public events, where people are "in the know" and understand that the game is just a game.

discipline -- the only word I have on this one is to figure out as soon as possible what this word means to you and your domme. It has no single definition, and the variants can be mutually contradictory. What is a punishment to one submissive is a reward to another, and different dominants will tolerate VERY different levels of challenge to their authority before abandoning a submissive completely. Make sure you know exactly how cute your mistress finds a brat!

servitude -- Again, a word with different definitions. Overall, it seems to mean that you please your dominant in whatever way is wanted or needed. Her wants and needs will be unique to her. Find out what they are. Take care of them.

Good luck!

(in reply to MaamJay)

Post #: 5

RE: Advice for a novice - 11/26/2007 5:40:29 AM

YesMistressIrish

Posts: 1135
Joined: 5/1/2007
From: Calif
Status: offline

ShaktiSama,

Great advice!

I have one thing I would change about your suggestions. You wrote 'Do not agree to be abandoned for any significant length of time while in bondage, '

No sub should be abandoned for any length of time while in any form of bondage, caged, etc, EVER. People have died because they could not get free when a fire or another emergency happened.
To the Original Poster: Think of it like this for any domme:
Never go any farther away from a bound sub than you would for your newborn baby.

The other advice above was great advice. I am also wondering why your domme hasn't given you reading assignments instead of having you ask such a broad question in this forum.

There is so much good information out there. BDSM 101 is a really good book for you to read as a beginner.

Be safe and have fun!

Ms Irish

(in reply to ShaktiSama)

Post #: 6

RE: Advice for a novice - 11/26/2007 6:10:46 AM

thetammyjo

Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MaamJay

I am a bit taken aback at such a "responsible Domme" who is not willing to guide a newbie submissive into an appropriate reading and learning program to prepare him for negotiating activities appropriately.

That's what I was thinking.

A new top, of course, will have limited experience but even then I'd suggest they learn together through workshops, lectures, apprenticeships for the top, reading and talking together.

_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to MaamJay)

Post #: 7

RE: Advice for a novice - 11/26/2007 7:40:08 AM

MissSCD

Posts: 1185
Joined: 3/10/2007
Status: offline

sweeteeza:

I can tell you from my experience of the last four years is simply be very aware of your surroundings. Know where the door is located so that you can hit the road if you need to do so, and be true to yourself first before you can submit to another.
BDSM is just like any other relationship as far a safety is conserned. Be alert. Be willing to try new things, but if they scare you or make you feel uneasy, don't do it until you are ready. Most Dom/mes will allow you the chance to say no to a scene. One who does not do this in my opinion would be a dangerous choice.
Good luck and regards.

MissSCD

(in reply to thetammyjo)

Post #: 8

RE: Advice for a novice - 11/26/2007 5:51:53 PM

ShaktiSama

Posts: 1674
Joined: 8/13/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: YesMistressIrish
I have one thing I would change about your suggestions. You wrote 'Do not agree to be abandoned for any significant length of time while in bondage,

Sorry, didn't realize that this could be interpreted the wrong way, but you're right. For me, "significant length of time" means "longer than it takes your domme to visit the bathroom or get a soda". I sometimes forget how much there is to NOT know...

(in reply to YesMistressIrish)

Post #: 9

RE: Advice for a novice - 11/26/2007 9:56:27 PM

Ecossaise

Posts: 34
Joined: 11/13/2007
Status: offline

sweetezzra, in addition to all the advice above, take every opportunity to get to know your lifestyle partner as a person. There will be informal times, during which this can happen. This will have to be so, while either of you is at the rookie stage.

I think it is good that your Lady lets you take soundings here, from collarme.com people. I wonder how experienced she is herself, though. Valuable though our advice may be, it is from her that you will have to get your actual instruction. If she needs our advice too, she need feel no shame in asking for it - just a thought.

M

< Message edited by Ecossaise -- 11/26/2007 10:00:43 PM >

(in reply to ShaktiSama)

Post #: 10

RE: Advice for a novice - 11/27/2007 4:13:55 AM

sweetezzra

Posts: 5
Joined: 9/6/2004
Status: offline

I am very grateful for these postings. Thanks to you all for being helpful and spirited.

(in reply to sweetezzra)

Post #: 11

RE: Advice for a novice - 11/27/2007 7:24:43 AM

MasterFireMaam

Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MistressOrifice
Surely someone can take a moment of their time and offer some tidbits of personal experience to guide him?

Slave to the community at large,

Mistress Orifice

I simple found the question to be too open-ended to focus on any one thing...or even any three things. Not being able to choose from too many choices is sometimes a symptom of ADD.

Since I'm overwhelmed, I'd love it if you'd post an answer.

Master Fire

< Message edited by MasterFireMaam -- 11/27/2007 7:26:46 AM >

_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
-----
Ms Relationship Books
-----
BDSM How-To Books

(in reply to MistressOrifice)

Post #: 12

RE: Advice for a novice - 11/29/2007 6:21:01 AM

sweetezzra

Posts: 5
Joined: 9/6/2004
Status: offline

Mistress Orifice writes so well.

(in reply to MistressOrifice)

Post #: 13

RE: Advice for a novice - 11/29/2007 7:05:10 AM

LadyLynx

Posts: 1098
Joined: 7/24/2007
Status: offline

I like and agree with most of the responses on here, but I definately agree with what MFM said. The opening post was pretty openended and not enough info. While I have seen the tendency on some of the other forums here to be more gentle/more informative with female subs then male, I havn't noticed that here.

_____________________________

Our community maybe openminded as a whole, but it is still made up of individuals who bring in their own opinions,baggage and agendas!

Known as SwitchWitch in my local community,and on IRC Bondage.

I also go by the nic SwitchWitch on MDS.

(in reply to sweetezzra)

Post #: 14

RE: Advice for a novice - 11/29/2007 8:23:05 AM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

I'm going with MasterFireMaam. Aside from the blatently obvious, i.e., safe calls, know who you're bottoming to, etc., etc., it really is open ended. There's no way to know what you know and what advice you need. Also, no one would want to give bad advice and skip over things they might assume you know, without writing pages worth of a single post.

As boring as it sounds, My first suggestion is safety. I always say this regardless of gender or role. Know who you are meeting, and yes, make them prove it. Meet somewhere in public. Tell someone where you are going. If you know in advance, take your cell phone with you and make sure you get signal there. Also, know the number of the landline available and give it to your safecall person.

It's important to discuss your boundries. For that matter, it's important for YOU to know your boundries. If you're not sure, this can be where the research comes in. Do some reading. Talk with some people in the lifestyle. Ask questions about specifics.

This last part is just My opinion, but back when My current submissive and I first met, it was Me telling him all of these things. I didn't direct him to gather the information from the forum boards. I verified who I was and gave him references to people in the community who knew Me. I insisted that he set up safe calls and completed them on time. There was a full negotiation portion of the evening, which included talk about limits and boundries. THAT'S what a 'responsible' Domme does. She doesn't rely on strangers to ensure the best outcome. Good luck.

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to LadyLynx)

Post #: 15

RE: Advice for a novice - 11/29/2007 8:29:40 AM

sammiebabygirl

Posts: 465
Joined: 10/23/2004
From: Upstate, NY
Status: offline

The ladies here have all given you very good advice and you should take it all seriously. But, this is something I always tell all new subs and it is very important.

Make sure you learn how your Mistress likes her toy bag packed and after playing ALWAYS offer to repack it. She has worked very hard and should not have to do any menial chores.

Plus, it gives you the opportunity to hide the toys you don't like.

jen

< Message edited by sammiebabygirl -- 11/29/2007 8:31:29 AM >

_____________________________

"Men are like pianos. When they get upright, i feel GRAND!!!"

http://charldine.com/jen2820

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 16

RE: Advice for a novice - 11/29/2007 8:44:25 AM

kc692

Posts: 3701
Joined: 3/24/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MistressOrifice

MistressFireMaam, Certainly there are very basic safety issues sweetezzra should be made aware, and can be made aware of without a flip "oh, too much to undertake and so, I give you next to nothing", oh, and good luck. Are we not about a little more than that here in the community of collarme? I really have to say that I am a bit disappointed....

If he were a woman I am sure he would have quickly been met with advice about making sure someone other that you is aware of where you are going when you meet this new person, in case, heaven forbid, you don't return. Or to review a list of things he is both willing or not to engage in when playing for the very first time. These are basics that keep us all safe. Maybe we have some more experience, but is it so hard to give a jewel or two of real take home information to this man?

Surely someone can take a moment of their time and offer some tidbits of personal experience to guide him?

Slave to the community at large,

Mistress Orifice

Unless my guess is wrong and you are the supposed domme that told him to ask for advice, why are you not taking a moment of your time to help him instead of whine and bitch at us for the same behavior you are exhibiting?

_____________________________

Anyone can overpower; not many can INSPIRE.....

This is only MY opinion. If it's not yours, let's agree in advance to agree to disagree, OR, you can just get the fuck over what I had to say:)

(in reply to MistressOrifice)

Post #: 17

RE: Advice for a novice - 11/29/2007 8:50:22 AM

LadyHibiscus

Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline

I hope things went/are going well for the OP. I know that I would never send any potential playmate or sub of mine off to strangers for advice that I should be giving myself. But perhaps my notions of training are skewed.

_____________________________

[page 23 girl]

(in reply to kc692)

Post #: 18

RE: Advice for a novice - 11/29/2007 9:24:41 AM

sweetezzra

Posts: 5
Joined: 9/6/2004
Status: offline

Really now, is that appropriate? Please don't post any more here.

(in reply to kc692)

Post #: 19

RE: Advice for a novice - 11/29/2007 9:27:08 AM

mnottertail

Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: sweetezzra

Really now, is that appropriate? Please don't post any more here.

LOL Just Fuckin' LOL GAWD!!!!!!! I love this town

Ron(ne)

_____________________________

Have they not divided the prey; to every man a damsel or two? Judges 5:30

(in reply to sweetezzra)

Post #: 20

Page: [1] 2 next > >>

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Mistress >> Advice for a novice

Page: [1] 2 next > >>

Jump to:

New Messages	No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages	Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages	Locked w/o New Messages

Post New Thread

Reply to Message

Post New Poll

Submit Vote

Delete My Own Post

Delete My Own Thread

Rate Posts

Collarchat.com © 2025

Terms of Service

0.094