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Okay Im game-my question - 11/27/2007 6:06:23 PM

Honalori

Posts: 9
Joined: 11/13/2007
Status: offline

Hello all, I am not in with the local scene... I have not had a steady "master" or Dom. So I am fairly new to these boards etc. Most of my experience is with folks who are in the lifestyle that I meet through other venues. They all live far away and have encouraged me to seek out this site specifically to see what I might find for a better fit.
So when I read the responses and threads here, I wonder if I am in the wrong place... Is the only sub/slave you all see as "right" the kind that has no say what so ever?
I like being dominated and I like being submissive. But I look at it as a two way street with lots of discussion/negotiation, especially early on. Am I just setting up some Dom or myself for severe disappointment? I am incredibly alpha most of my life. I am sooo not into the idea of someone not considering my needs and obligations elsewhere. I can't afford it (employment parenthood etc.)

Post #: 1

RE: Okay Im game-my question - 11/27/2007 6:17:04 PM

BrokenSaint

Posts: 301
Joined: 10/30/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Honalori

Hello all, I am not in with the local scene... I have not had a steady "master" or Dom. So I am fairly new to these boards etc. Most of my experience is with folks who are in the lifestyle that I meet through other venues. They all live far away and have encouraged me to seek out this site specifically to see what I might find for a better fit.
So when I read the responses and threads here, I wonder if I am in the wrong place... Is the only sub/slave you all see as "right" the kind that has no say what so ever?
I like being dominated and I like being submissive. But I look at it as a two way street with lots of discussion/negotiation, especially early on. Am I just setting up some Dom or myself for severe disappointment? I am incredibly alpha most of my life. I am sooo not into the idea of someone not considering my needs and obligations elsewhere. I can't afford it (employment parenthood etc.)

I don't think there is any such thing as "no say whatsoever". Even with a slave there are bound to be some hard limits somewhere. The thind with a d/s relationship I find first off is trust. Needs to be there, most important aspect really in any relationship. D/s moreso perhaps than a vanilla relationship.

Everyone has differing circumstances, you just need to find someone who will consider those circumstances. Someone that is right for you so to speak. That is never an easy task. One needs to devote copious amounts of effort to finding someone, and then working with them in context of the relationship. I'd say just outline your concerns beforehand, preferably right at the beginning.

(in reply to Honalori)

Post #: 2

RE: Okay Im game-my question - 11/27/2007 6:17:58 PM

texancutie2

Posts: 40
Joined: 11/23/2007
Status: offline

Am not a Master, but it is a 2 way street. Each person gets something out of the relationship...though what it is, varies. Negotiation and lots of discussion prior to engaging in anything is usually the smart thing to do.

(in reply to Honalori)

Post #: 3

RE: Okay Im game-my question - 11/27/2007 6:32:15 PM

joiduvie

Posts: 15
Joined: 4/30/2007
Status: offline

I am not a Master, far from it, and in many aspects of my life, I am considered very Alpha. Those I have served, have valued both parts of my nature. To best serve, you have to be the best you possible, to offer only half of yourself would be dishonest and a diservice. Not everyone finds simpering and submissive as hand in hand. Be true to yourself, and you will find true happiness.

(in reply to texancutie2)

Post #: 4

RE: Okay Im game-my question - 11/27/2007 6:43:27 PM

Sweet1Maybe4U

Posts: 144
Joined: 8/1/2006
Status: offline

Hi Honalori

Welcome to collarme! There's a lot to be learned and this is a good place to start. I enjoy reading the boards and once in awhile I write my little two cents worth.
Confusion sometimes fills a sub's mind when reading all the different viewpoints. I have also went online to www.castlerealm.com to read about things. There is a listing of books and info about a sub's life and what to even expect from a Dominant.
Well......let's see the "right" subbie?...Hmmm..gotta think on that one. I am totally different from alot of subs and vice versa. I dont think there is a "right" way to be. Its important to seek out what is "right" for you and your needs. Ive chatted with some that are only submissive in the bedroom and quite dominant in other parts of life. Then, there are those that completely live in a submissive situation, loving being freed from making decisions about anything. I think it's what suits YOU that's important.
When I first met my Dom He made it very clear that we would go at my pace. His greatest care was my comfort zone. I appreciated that since I was fairly new to all this. Even now, we take things slowly with lots of discussion. He is completely clear and has me repeat what I think I heard Him say and what HE was actually meaning. I like that. That way, there's no misunderstandings.
Some subs want a Dominant that doesnt care about their needs or wants, other than to please the Dominant. That's not the case with me. I like Someone Who is caring and loving along with being firm handed..(of which was stated clearly the other night..*rubs her bottom)
I met my Dom at a munch. He saw me that night and right away liked me...FROM AFAR. After a few months of getting to know each other He told me that He watched me that night to see how I interacted with others. It was important to Him to see how I conducted myself. I didnt even notice Him very much that night. He kinda stayed in the distance.
So what Im saying is that I think it takes time to really get to know each other and build a relationship. You cant be expected to just know Him enough to be a good lil subbie. Its important that He be a good Dom for You too just like in any relationship.
He's out there for you. It may take time to find One. Best of luck to you.

_____________________________

It usually takes more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech.
Mark Twain (1835 - 1910)

(in reply to Honalori)

Post #: 5

RE: Okay Im game-my question - 11/27/2007 6:45:42 PM

laurell3

Posts: 6577
Joined: 5/5/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Honalori

Hello all, I am not in with the local scene... I have not had a steady "master" or Dom. So I am fairly new to these boards etc. Most of my experience is with folks who are in the lifestyle that I meet through other venues. They all live far away and have encouraged me to seek out this site specifically to see what I might find for a better fit.
So when I read the responses and threads here, I wonder if I am in the wrong place... Is the only sub/slave you all see as "right" the kind that has no say what so ever?
I like being dominated and I like being submissive. But I look at it as a two way street with lots of discussion/negotiation, especially early on. Am I just setting up some Dom or myself for severe disappointment? I am incredibly alpha most of my life. I am sooo not into the idea of someone not considering my needs and obligations elsewhere. I can't afford it (employment parenthood etc.)

Nope, you're fine, we're all different, be what you are and find someone compatible.

_____________________________

I cannot be defined by moments in my life, but must be considered for by the entirety of my existence.

When you fail to consider that I am the best judge for what is right for me, all of your opinions become suspect to me.

(in reply to Honalori)

Post #: 6

RE: Okay Im game-my question - 11/27/2007 6:51:44 PM

batshalom

Posts: 1990
Joined: 9/17/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Honalori

So when I read the responses and threads here, I wonder if I am in the wrong place... Is the only sub/slave you all see as "right" the kind that has no say what so ever?
I like being dominated and I like being submissive. But I look at it as a two way street with lots of discussion/negotiation, especially early on. Am I just setting up some Dom or myself for severe disappointment? I am incredibly alpha most of my life. I am sooo not into the idea of someone not considering my needs and obligations elsewhere. I can't afford it (employment parenthood etc.)

First, I'm not sure how you would get the idea from the responses on these boards that subs and slaves have no say in the determination of relationships. There are lots of strong subs in here with alpha jobs and personalities to match, and there are lots of strong Doms here who wouldn't dream of not considering a sub or slave's needs (often even before his own). It's simply a matter of compatibility between you and the other person, just like in any relationship.

You've only been here a couple of weeks and admittedly don't have much other experience either, so my suggestion to you is to continue to read and to learn and to continue to ask questions.

< Message edited by batshalom -- 11/27/2007 6:52:38 PM >

(in reply to Honalori)

Post #: 7

RE: Okay Im game-my question - 11/27/2007 7:45:57 PM

SweetSarijane

Posts: 3788
Joined: 10/7/2005
From: KC area Missouri
Status: offline

First welcome to the boards! Next, as stated by others, there are a lot of strong subs/slaves here. There is no one true way. There's what works best for you and whoever you're involved with. Keep reading, ask questions and there are lots of books covering different aspects of bdsm to help you find what fits, and teach you about techniques and safety and myriad things. "The Topping Book" and "The Bottoming Book" are good ones, "Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns", "Consensual Sadomasochism", "SM101", "The Loving Dominant", and many, many others.

_____________________________

Sarah2
Deviant Mind
Wild Side Readers KCSass

(in reply to batshalom)

Post #: 8

RE: Okay Im game-my question - 11/27/2007 8:16:44 PM

grlneedstolearn

Posts: 728
Joined: 1/29/2007
Status: offline

Welcome to the boards :D. My Dom and i negotiateed both his and my limits when we first spoke online. And we still talk about about will happen next and how i would feel about it. i have say in whether or not i want to try it at least or it's something that i need to work on overcoming, etc.

(in reply to Honalori)

Post #: 9

RE: Okay Im game-my question - 11/27/2007 8:20:24 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

My personal belief is that control should grow organically within the relationship. You don't sign over title to your house the moment you meet at Starbucks!

The less experience you have, the slower it should go imo. People with no experience usually start with just bedroom submission. If that works, then you might feel okay moving up to him picking your clothing, within the guidelines of what is appropriate for your life. And so on.

But turning over control requires a huge amount of knowledge of the person you are giving control to. Would you hand over your career goals to a man who changes jobs every three months? Hand over budget responsibility to someone $50,000 in debt? You don't learn these things about people on day one. You need time to see how they react when stressed, when angry, when in trouble. They could tell you anything, but you need a sufficient history with them to judge how they will respond in the future.

And anyone who won't respect your natural fears and pushes you to go faster than you feel safe with, once you've asked them to slow down, probably isn't interested in anything but NSA.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to SweetSarijane)

Post #: 10

RE: Okay Im game-my question - 11/27/2007 8:30:37 PM

MrSpectacular

Posts: 1153
Joined: 8/27/2007
Status: offline

Hang out here a while longer - you will start to see all different points of view - some extreme and some mild. You are obvioulsy drawn to this board - so stay a while and see what happens. You will find that there are subs on this board that are assertive, and stand up for the kind of dynamic they want. You are also right on it is a two way street.

_____________________________

Yes I am Spectacular and they are real!

(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 11

RE: Okay Im game-my question - 11/27/2007 8:45:43 PM

TemptingNviceSub

Posts: 3054
Joined: 10/1/2005
Status: offline

You will find that no 2 relationships are alike..There is no one real/true way..Diversity abounds upon these boards...best/Tempting

_____________________________

I have greatly enjoyed the second blooming...suddenly you find at the age of 50, that a whole new life has opened before you.........Agatha Christie.

You must make tracks into the unknown~~Thoreau

(in reply to Honalori)

Post #: 12

RE: Okay Im game-my question - 11/27/2007 8:55:53 PM

sexyred1

Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Honalori

Hello all, I am not in with the local scene... I have not had a steady "master" or Dom. So I am fairly new to these boards etc. Most of my experience is with folks who are in the lifestyle that I meet through other venues. They all live far away and have encouraged me to seek out this site specifically to see what I might find for a better fit.
So when I read the responses and threads here, I wonder if I am in the wrong place... Is the only sub/slave you all see as "right" the kind that has no say what so ever?
I like being dominated and I like being submissive. But I look at it as a two way street with lots of discussion/negotiation, especially early on. Am I just setting up some Dom or myself for severe disappointment? I am incredibly alpha most of my life. I am sooo not into the idea of someone not considering my needs and obligations elsewhere. I can't afford it (employment parenthood etc.)

You are new to the boards and the lifestyle and you already made a huge assumption about "all slaves" based on what?

Newflash: there are many capable, Alpha type subs/slaves here, myself among them, who seek relationships that are two way streets and get their needs and obligations met.

Try reading and exploring in real life more before making assumptions.

(in reply to Honalori)

Post #: 13

RE: Okay Im game-my question - 11/27/2007 9:19:43 PM

tulitukka

Posts: 95
Joined: 10/11/2007
Status: offline

Now tell me. When I want something new from my girl, something I think may be a problem, I usually talk to her about it first. I get a feel for how she feels about it and whether I can change how she feels about it from the conversation. We may discuss a particular thing several times, sometimes during play sometimes out of play. In the end, I make the decision on whether to introduce it to our life or not.

I could introduce things without asking her, and sometimes I do. Usually though, if I consider something risky, especially psychologically, I discuss things with her. I think she has a say, and so does she.

By the way, it's a good idea to state plain when you start talking with a potential dom about your other existing commitments that cannot be discarded, at least without major changes to life. Work, kids, other spouses, family, and others like this would definitely fit.

(in reply to Honalori)

Post #: 14

RE: Okay Im game-my question - 11/27/2007 11:30:44 PM

girlygurl

Posts: 6973
Joined: 8/5/2007
From: in the palms of His hands
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Honalori

Hello all, I am not in with the local scene... I have not had a steady "master" or Dom. So I am fairly new to these boards etc. Most of my experience is with folks who are in the lifestyle that I meet through other venues. They all live far away and have encouraged me to seek out this site specifically to see what I might find for a better fit.
So when I read the responses and threads here, I wonder if I am in the wrong place... Is the only sub/slave you all see as "right" the kind that has no say what so ever?
I like being dominated and I like being submissive. But I look at it as a two way street with lots of discussion/negotiation, especially early on. Am I just setting up some Dom or myself for severe disappointment? I am incredibly alpha most of my life. I am sooo not into the idea of someone not considering my needs and obligations elsewhere. I can't afford it (employment parenthood etc.)

Welcome Honalori, Good job on starting your first thread. As I'm sure you've seen by now, there are many subs/slaves who are strong and have opinions and they are not afraid to express them.

I wish you well

girly

(in reply to Honalori)

Post #: 15

RE: Okay Im game-my question - 11/28/2007 3:59:09 AM

TwiztdErotic

Posts: 155
Joined: 10/13/2007
Status: offline

As with any place where you find a group of people, you will also find great diversity. Stick around, read some more and you'll find that most people here have a relationship dynamic that differs greatly from the rest. We're all individuals and as such, we have individual needs and desires. Once you decide what your needs are then you can go about finding someone who's compatible with them.

(in reply to girlygurl)

Post #: 16

RE: Okay Im game-my question - 11/28/2007 4:29:28 AM

Honalori

Posts: 9
Joined: 11/13/2007
Status: offline

Just to clarify, (especially to sexy red :) [I like the name]) I asked, "Is the only sub/slave you all see as "right" the kind that has no say what so ever?" I did not state that is all that is here... I made no assumptions... I was asking to learn... not judging... I am trying to find where/if I fit... I could not care less what two consenting adults do or not.... I just want to prevent misunderstandings or misrepresentations...

(in reply to TwiztdErotic)

Post #: 17

RE: Okay Im game-my question - 11/28/2007 4:58:22 AM

TwiztdErotic

Posts: 155
Joined: 10/13/2007
Status: offline

quote:

We're all individuals and as such, we have individual needs and desires.

We also have our own views as to what the right slave is. What may be right for one of us, may be totally different than what's right for someone else.

(in reply to Honalori)

Post #: 18

RE: Okay Im game-my question - 11/28/2007 5:35:59 AM

SayaNereida

Posts: 152
Joined: 7/10/2007
Status: offline

Welcome Honalori!

This 'kind of relationship' is like any other relationship; it can BE whatever you and your partner decide is right.

After all, in my case, my Dom/partner and I live together 24/7 but if I described an an average day in my home, there may not be a single person that can relate or there may be many. In truth, it is nice to find someone else who can relate and is willing to share their insight; but whether I/we do or not, we continue our relationship, our way, it works for us.

Remember, not many come to the boards to say, 'I have a great life and I love XX'. Usually folks are coming here to get feedback from others on something they don't understand/don't enjoy, and are seeking 'back up' to their feelings/thoughts or just some advice or just a place to vent.

Take all you read with a grain of salt, incorperate it if it works, discard it if it doesn't.

Much luck and happiness in your journey.
Saya

(in reply to Honalori)

Post #: 19

RE: Okay Im game-my question - 11/28/2007 8:16:28 AM

slavemaia

Posts: 395
Joined: 8/26/2006
Status: offline

Whether you are a sub or a slave, it's your choice ultimately. Negotiations, limits, likes, boundaries, all of it are up to you. Whether you want a Dom for a night or a lifetime it is always mutually enjoyable and beneficial. i serve as a slave because it fulfills me - it's that simple.

_____________________________

She reaches up, not for the apple, but for what causes it to be there.
slave to love - - Chairman's maia

(in reply to Honalori)

Post #: 20

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