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RE: would you go vanilla? - 11/28/2007 7:37:23 PM

Machts

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quote:

ORIGINAL: kirby104

I have concluded that I am a sadist top who sometimes likes to bottom. Due to an abusive relationship, I have anger, which makes me hestitant to top, and I fear bottoming due to the abusive relationship.

I have decided to heal myself before continuing topping or bottoming. I won't be part of the cycle.

Smiles, and applauds loudly!!!!

Were that more had the wisdom to see things as they are-and not give thier power away to the abyss..........

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RE: would you go vanilla? - 11/28/2007 7:43:02 PM

kirby104

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The vanilla people I told about my lifestyle acted superficially interested in it. One vanilla person asked that I give up BDSM in order to "save" the relationship. Yet this same person wasn't willing to give up anything himself. He stated that he knew it all. I do not trust vanilla people.

quote:

ORIGINAL: juliaoceania

quote:

ORIGINAL: IrishMist

quote:

ORIGINAL: goodgirl08

I don't understand the argument that there is no significant difference between a vanilla vs. kink lifestyle, other than it is using too many labels...can anyone explain their viewpoint further?

Quite simply put

I live LIFE the way I want to live it. I do NOT put a label on it other than LIFE. I do not seperate it into nice, neat little boxes....this is vanilla, this is lifestyle, this is kinky, blah blah blah

It simply is....LIFE....

it does not need anything else to define it.

Amen!

I often wonder about some of the people that are having trouble hooking up "lifestyle" people, why not try to find some people that are not advertising how kinky they are in your neighborhood. I bet there are a lot of kinky "vanilla" people out there that one could meet and be very compatible with them...

That was why I stated that I would find a "vanilla" person if I found myself alone once more... because "vanilla" doesn't really mean anything to me.

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RE: would you go vanilla? - 11/28/2007 7:50:14 PM

AquaticSub

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quote:

ORIGINAL: kirby104

The vanilla people I told about my lifestyle acted superficially interested in it. One vanilla person asked that I give up BDSM in order to "save" the relationship. Yet this same person wasn't willing to give up anything himself. He stated that he knew it all. I do not trust vanilla people.

Replace the word vanilla with any ethnic group and someone would tell you how awful you are.

Have you considered making friends with non-judgemental vanilla folk? They do exist, I know quite a few.

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

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RE: would you go vanilla? - 11/28/2007 7:56:49 PM

secretagentgirl

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I think going vanilla because you have found some amazing person with a ton of qualities that you long for in a partner could work out for some people.
But doing it only because you feel like giving up isn't the right reason.
Jeez, I felt like that a million times while vanilla dating. It's just part of the process, unfortunately.

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RE: would you go vanilla? - 11/28/2007 8:43:49 PM

slavegirljoy

Posts: 1207
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Give up being kinky? No. That's a part of who i am. Give up being submissive? No. That's a part of who i am. Give up being masochistic? No. That's a part of who i am. i'm not going to go through life pretending that i'm not who i am or denying any part of who i am. That would be miserable, to me. i have been on one journey for the past 51 years. And, that journey has included a lot of different experiences that have helped me to define who i am and how i choose to live my life. Some of those experiences included kinky sex, with Bondage & Discipline and S&M. Those experiences have been positive ones and have helped me to become the person i am and to know that my life is most satisfying when i include those elements into my life. Of course, that is only part of who i am and only part of how i choose to live my life.

i believe that once you experience something, you're forever changed, sometimes in a small way and sometimes in a profound way but, you are changed. How can you unchange yourself? You can't undo the experience. You can decide that you never want to repeat the experience but, you can't unexperience something. If something doesn't give you what you're looking for, you move on and try something else. But, that experience and how it affected you stays with you.

Being kinky doesn't cause heartbreak. Life does. i don't know of any life that hasn't, at some point and to some degree, been touched by heartbreak and disappointment. That's just part of the journey, too. It's not the end of the journey.

BTW, art is an incredible outlet and, if being disappointed or heartbroken caused you to turn to art, i would say that is a very positive outcome of whatever you have had to deal with. That doesn't seem like something to feel bad about.

There is some really beautiful BDSM-themed artwork out there.

slave joy
Owned property of Master David

quote:

ORIGINAL: kirby104

Presently, I definitely would as I have much much disappointment. I have had to turn to other outlets, such as art.

Why? Being kinky brings heartbreak. I found that I am a top who enjoys bottoming, but there isn't an outlet for either.

I am just adrift.

I know better than to ask for help here. This is just another outlet.

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RE: would you go vanilla? - 11/28/2007 8:50:54 PM

juliaoceania

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quote:

ORIGINAL: AquaticSub

quote:

ORIGINAL: kirby104

The vanilla people I told about my lifestyle acted superficially interested in it. One vanilla person asked that I give up BDSM in order to "save" the relationship. Yet this same person wasn't willing to give up anything himself. He stated that he knew it all. I do not trust vanilla people.

Replace the word vanilla with any ethnic group and someone would tell you how awful you are.

Have you considered making friends with non-judgemental vanilla folk? They do exist, I know quite a few.

I am of the opinion that most people are kinky, they just haven't had permission to explore that side of themselves....

But I could be wrong about that.

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

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RE: would you go vanilla? - 11/28/2007 9:02:55 PM

sublizzie

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~FR~

I am currently in a "vanilla" relationship - whatever that means. IMO it's a D/s relationship simply because I choose to relate to him in a submissive manner. Not the overly dramatic kneeling in public stuff but the simple choice to give my opinion and let him make the decisions. To remember what foods he prefers and make sure my place is stocked with them. And all the other little service things I do for other people that are part of how I show my submission. He doesn't have to "be dominant" for me to give him dominance in our relationship. It helps that I'm not a masochist with a huge need for sensation play and am merely a service oriented submissive who's found a guy who appreciates my willingness to serve.

Just my thoughts.......

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RE: would you go vanilla? - 11/28/2007 10:28:55 PM

EmergingMistress

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Never, I have tried. But in the end, it comes out in the little things I say and do. It is me, I can't separate it out and put it in a box.

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RE: would you go vanilla? - 11/29/2007 10:42:28 AM

AquaticSub

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quote:

ORIGINAL: juliaoceania

I am of the opinion that most people are kinky, they just haven't had permission to explore that side of themselves....

But I could be wrong about that.

I really don't know. I belong to a pretty liberal social circle so even people who ID as "vanilla" have been to play parties and dabbled a bit. Having given it a try, most still attend but stay in the social areas because the play just doesn't interest them.

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

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RE: would you go vanilla? - 11/29/2007 11:21:29 AM

goodgirl08

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quote:

ORIGINAL: IrishMist

quote:

ORIGINAL: goodgirl08

I don't understand the argument that there is no significant difference between a vanilla vs. kink lifestyle, other than it is using too many labels...can anyone explain their viewpoint further?

Quite simply put

I live LIFE the way I want to live it. I do NOT put a label on it other than LIFE. I do not seperate it into nice, neat little boxes....this is vanilla, this is lifestyle, this is kinky, blah blah blah

It simply is....LIFE....

it does not need anything else to define it.

Ok. Sometimes I find it helpful to separate different elements of life a little bit to understand what they mean and the many different aspects of relating to people. But is true that everything merges together and the labels can be tiresome. I do appreciate knowing people who have an understanding of kink, possibly because that is a new experience for me.

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RE: would you go vanilla? - 11/29/2007 1:38:46 PM

KindLadyGrey

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Joined: 11/6/2007
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I've dated vanilla before, but I always end up tying them to the bed anyway ;)

But it's the other part of your post I want to address.

I too am a switch and I know how confusing that can be for my partners. Generally I try to compartmentalize it, so that if I am a Domme for Bob I am always a Domme for Bob, and likewise on the sub side. There are, however, other switches out there who like to play with other switches and trade off frequently. That can be really dynamic and fun. I've been talking to another switch on here and we've decided that if we ever start seeing each other we'll decide who's on top for the date with some kind of contest of skill. Could be fun. Don't sell yourself short; switches are fun!

People in real life figure out how my dynamic works pretty quick, so in real life being a switch doesn't cause me too many problems. Online though it does make things difficult. People want a "REAL" sub or a "REAL" Domme, so they see that switch label and it's all over. Or maybe you are mostly a Dom or a top, but occasionally you like to bottom and that flips out the average submissive who has fantasies of his/her Dom being strong and Domly all the time.

The solution to this issue is to get out there in real life and woo people with your personality. Once you do that, your labels don't tend to matter as much because people already know YOU.

Unfortunately, this sounds more like a case of not being able to actualize any kind of real life relationships rather than a case of your kink keeping you from it. Are you so certain you'd have better luck in vanilla relationships?

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RE: would you go vanilla? - 11/29/2007 1:44:48 PM

Muttling

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A vanilla relationship, certainly. A vanilla sex life...HELL NO. Been there done that, burned the tee shirt.

It has been said many times before, but it's worth repeating. I am who I am...for me that is a masochist,a submissive leaning switch, and a very erotic individual. It's not something I can give up and attempting to do so is attempting to deny who I am.

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RE: would you go vanilla? - 11/29/2007 4:32:51 PM

ELUSIVE1

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no more vanilla for me--I gave up a lot to follow my kink--had an almost vanilla doc that I was in a relationship with, we had our circle of friends we went out and played with...he treated me like his princess--but when my kink left bruises, when I couldn't devote the same time to him and my dominant--we decided to be friends--and we still are friends--he is my 'safe call' I will always love him, but never regret the choices I made

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RE: would you go vanilla? - 11/29/2007 4:34:16 PM

laurell3

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Muttling

A vanilla relationship, certainly. A vanilla sex life...HELL NO. Been there done that, burned the tee shirt.

It has been said many times before, but it's worth repeating. I am who I am...for me that is a masochist,a submissive leaning switch, and a very erotic individual. It's not something I can give up and attempting to do so is attempting to deny who I am.

ditto except no Tshirt.

Kirby, I'm glad you are finding your way and learning about yourself. My sincerest good luck in your journey.

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I cannot be defined by moments in my life, but must be considered for by the entirety of my existence.

When you fail to consider that I am the best judge for what is right for me, all of your opinions become suspect to me.

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RE: would you go vanilla? - 11/29/2007 6:09:36 PM

LuckyAlbatross

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I'm not sure I'd say more people are "kinky." I think most people are curious and desire to try new things. I think it would be safe to say that if we grew up in a world of constant nudity, wearing clothes would be the attractive "alternative" life and old people would bitch about how the young people wear shoes these days just to be cool and different. :)

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RE: would you go vanilla? - 11/29/2007 6:31:09 PM

CelticPrince

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kirby,

vanilla???? shhhhhhhh

CP

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RE: would you go vanilla? - 11/29/2007 6:41:03 PM

Machts

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Vanilla with kink is better.

Toss out the D/s stuff, and the odd "lifestyle" and it's perfect. I wonder how many of us here realize that 90% of the kinky people out there never heard of that stuff? Kink in sex came in pretty strong during the sexual revolution-it's pretty mainstream now. But they just do it.

Rather than worry about power.

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RE: would you go vanilla? - 11/29/2007 6:43:54 PM

Bethnai

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I wish I could remember who said this, but there is a woman somewhere on this site that said something to the effect of....if it killed her she was going to beat it into the heads of others that this is not really a difference between vanilla and kink. It is vanilla. (my words: vanilla with cheese.) I already went through the "is there something wrong with me" stage.

Now, am I willing to take someone else on who still has hang ups? Nope. Am I willing to accept someone else that does have them as a permanent fixture...nope, unless its in a non sexual way.

I read this and talked to my Master, and after listening to his thoughts which coincide with where I was at........we wouldn't have a difference if society didn't make us have one. Perhaps its bad enough that everything linked to BDSM comes up in the media makes us out to be bad, maybe we should rethink how we view ourselves against others. I don't think we are truly against others. Are we willing to enter into relationships where they don't meet OUR criteria? Maybe we just get the whole trust aspect correct and thats what makes it different. Maybe we are aiding in creating this nilla vs. kink split.
Its probably me, but when I read about this, I always feel as if we should feel bad about lowering our standards.
Sure, it hurts like hell, sure you have to find what your looking for, but its no different. Its an extension not an opposite.

I see the opposite of vanilla as one hour sessions in a hotel room. Thats all good, if thats what your in for. There is a good group that just happens to want it all, why settle in any arena. Good=number, not as in good/bad.

< Message edited by Bethnai -- 11/29/2007 6:54:44 PM >

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