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RE: Safe Word Use - 8/14/2005 12:17:27 AM

PAVANE

Posts: 118
Joined: 1/3/2005
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thankyou for your reply and very sensible comments. mick (pavane)

(in reply to kisshou)

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Post #: 21

RE: Safe Word Use - 8/14/2005 1:22:55 AM

junecleaver

Posts: 1145
Joined: 4/6/2005
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You're the Dominant. They play by your rules or they don't play with you. I think your reasons are sound, good common sense especially for relationships that have just started.

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"No one will ever win the battle of the sexes; there's too much fraternizing with the enemy. "
--Henry A. Kissinger

(in reply to PAVANE)

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Post #: 22

RE: Safe Word Use - 8/14/2005 5:20:23 AM

masie

Posts: 27
Joined: 7/26/2005
Status: offline

hello Sir *smiles*

i dont have a safeword, i gave up this when i chose to become a 24/7 slave to my Master, although i have been with Him for 7 years first 2 years as a sub where i had a safeword, so trust is established He knows how much i can take and i trust Him no matter what

yes there have been occasions where if i still had a safeword i would have used it, however at these times Master has had full control over the situation and it has never got out of hand, but i think this comes with experience and plenty of trust to put yourself in someones hands willingly knowing that it ends when they say it ends with no safeword in place

masie

(in reply to junecleaver)

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RE: Safe Word Use - 8/14/2005 6:00:21 AM

Manawyddan

Posts: 701
Joined: 1/2/2005
From: Petaluma (Northern California)
Status: offline

I once heard a comparison of a safeword to a seatbelt in a car.

I never drive without my seatbelt, but it's an error to feel one has to drive continuously faster and faster until the seatbelt is needed ...

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"She always had a terrific sense of humor"
(Valerie Solonas, as described by her mother)
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RE: Safe Word Use - 8/14/2005 10:35:46 PM

nenakajira

Posts: 221
Joined: 7/14/2005
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On the topic of safe words.... my best friend asked me to pass along a story and so.. here we go.

I've "technically" never safeworded. The one time that I freaked out enough to do damage I couldn't remember the damn thing. (rape play, lost my mind, enough said). He could tell that I flipped and that was the end of that. Much snuggling and talking and calming the heck down insued and I haven't played in that way since. Bad mojo. He knew me well enough to know that something was wrong. Now, if he'd been just a casual partner, gods knows what would have happened.. but he was and is one of the closest friends and most wonderful men I have ever met or been with.

Now, to the reason I said "technically" safeworded. I did, once, sorta. I found the universal safeword, the one word that you can scream out during any scene that will stop everything in a scramble to ease the problem....... *drum roll here* "FOOT CRAMP!!!!!" Nothing stops a scene, or a sexual encounter, or anything else.. quite like that word called out in pure agony. I went from having sex to getting a foot rub while I hopped around and cried in 2 seconds flat.

Sometimes, direct communication works best :)

(in reply to PAVANE)

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RE: Safe Word Use - 8/15/2005 4:49:02 PM

littleone35

Posts: 2828
Joined: 2/17/2005
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I have always have a safeword it was for both of us. My late Master had a color system green for i am fine keep doing what you are doing. Orange for i am im some pain but i can mantain and red for if you don't ease up i am going to use my safe word. Wehnr we were doimg something new he would ask me color and i never saud red usuallu orange or gerrn. it was good to know i had a safeword just incase he sis not ask me color.

littleone

(in reply to nenakajira)

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Post #: 26

RE: Safe Word Use - 8/15/2005 7:38:21 PM

synrgy33

Posts: 61
Joined: 4/4/2005
Status: offline

I find it admirable that Pavane wants to use "safewords" during a scene with potential submissives. I have met many Doms who do not believe in safe words.

I personally don't use them.... I use as Emerald Slave said "Direct communication." To me using the word "red" means stop, when really all I need to do is shift. I have a very bad wrist, I can end up being very hurt if we dont take percations in ensuring the safety of how I am hung up/cuffed up whatever. When it begins to hurt, I don't want the scene stopped, I need my arm lowered. Sir and I have agree'd that this is something He NEEDS to know. This is not me topping from the bottom. Mostly I wait until He is checking on me, touching me with His sweet caresses and His words whispered in my ear "How are you doing...' that is my chance to answer "Well Sir my wrist is sore, may we lower it?" The decision is left to Him, but why would He deny His toy, when it could potentially do me more damage in the future?

I agree with what some of the posters have said that these submissives heard the word "Safeword" and bailed out on negotations. That is what people should do before any session.. NEGOTIATE. It leaves the door open for possibilities. I'm not talking neogitating it down to the nitty gritty, but getting an overall feel for how the scene is going.

If simple safewords like 'red, yellow and green" don't work, perhaps they'd use hand gestures or #'s. I know when playing with new Dominants or my Sir or friends of ours are using new toys for the first time. We us a # system. For example... They swing out... meet flesh... and it's a 3.. I call out 3 (meaning come on you can do better) we use the range from 1-10.. So if I go over 10 they know they hit sensitive spots,LOL... That could also work between new Dominants and submissives.

Dominants are made as mind readers as much as we submissives would like to think , it is OUR responsibility to let them know how WE are doing. It not only benefits them, but it beneifts US. How many times have you been in a scene, and the Dominant read you wrong and the scene ended, OR the reverse of that.. You used a safeword and the scene ended. Good for the DOminant but disappointing to you. Be very careful in my thoughts on the use of safewords.. AGAIN... To me direct communication is better. Or even... "Mild red, soft red, hard red.. Use degree's of simple safe words.

Okay my apologies, I rambled off the OP's topic, lol but well that's just me! LOL

Good luck Sir, and really obviously if they could not respect Your wishes with something so important and so simple... then You're better off.

stephanie~SD~

_____________________________

"You have to get past the pleasure stage, until you reach the stage of tears.Some people are always grumbling because roses have thorns. I am thankful that thorns have roses." -:Allophones Karr:-

(in reply to EmeraldSlave2)

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RE: Safe Word Use - 8/15/2005 8:25:49 PM

Rayne58

Posts: 746
Joined: 2/22/2005
From: Sydney Australia
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Master will not play without a safeword. We use the traffic light system which is really easy to remember - I would hate to try to remember a word like "watermelon" or "Massachussetts" when I'm in the middle of a scene

I had no BDSM experience when we got together, and no idea of what or where my limits were. Master encouraged me to use yellow for "ok this is getting a bit intense can we please ease up a little" and red for "STOP NOW". In the beginning I was reluctant to use them thinking that I would be letting Him down in some way but He insisted that He wanted me to enjoy the things we were doing and He would be very disappointed if I was just keeping on for Him without thought for me.......so yes I do use them now and then

The limits are slowly being pushed now and I'm finding I can take more but both He and I still have the words as a safety net.

(in reply to synrgy33)

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RE: Safe Word Use - 8/16/2005 10:43:41 AM

plantlady64

Posts: 755
Joined: 5/19/2005
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Hello There,
My safe word is Santa Clause. While my Master wants me to feel free to use it if I need to, I would never use my safe word with Him no matter what. I belong to Him so He can do anything He chooses and I will not stop Him.
Open communication between us permits me to let Him know how I feel about what's happening, and by my body language he knows if I'm at my threshold or not. It's His choice as my Master as to what he wants to have me experience, not mine to manipulate His attentions in my opinion.

I think a lot of subs prefer not to use their safe word, as there's a mixed reaction to the use of it by Dom's. Over half the Dom's I've spoken to say if a sub they play with calls their safe word they will end the session and also the friendship. Sub's are insecure in the usage of safe words as often it's not received well by the Dom and will not only end the scene but make them look bad.
I've only been in the life for about 6 months now. I play with lots of friends in my public dungeon. I'd say in my 6 months I've played with around 35 people so far (Yes I'm quite the play slut). The detailed communication I have with someone before we play has been enough to ensure the play I'm given is well within my limits and desires usually. Even when things are at my threshold, or over as long as my hard limits are observed I bear with the scene at all costs without the usage of my safe word. I have never used my safe word as all the Doms I've played with have respected my hard limits so far. I think I'd only be inclined to use this with my friends if my hard limits are not respected. To me to use my safe word would be embarrassing, make me feel like I was disrespectful, and I'd feel like I failed the Dom or He failed me.
Sincerely,
sub suzanne

(in reply to PAVANE)

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RE: Safe Word Use - 8/16/2005 10:26:31 PM

synrgy33

Posts: 61
Joined: 4/4/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: synrgy33

Dominants are made as mind readers as much as we submissives would like to think , it is OUR responsibility to let them know how WE are doing. stephanie~SD~

This should read:

Dominants are NOT made as mind readers etch.. *(laughs)* see what i get for not re-reading my post?

_____________________________

"You have to get past the pleasure stage, until you reach the stage of tears.Some people are always grumbling because roses have thorns. I am thankful that thorns have roses." -:Allophones Karr:-

(in reply to synrgy33)

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RE: Safe Word Use - 8/17/2005 2:22:17 AM

NakedOnMyChain

Posts: 2431
Joined: 11/29/2004
From: Indiana
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I, personally, feel that safewords are for dire emergencies only. If a slave feels sick, they should be able to tell their dom/me. Same with going to the bathroom. I can't forsee any situation arising where the safeword would need to be used, outside of emergencies, and taking for granted that both parties are informed and respect each other.

_____________________________

"Oh, it's torture, but I'm almost there."
~The Cure

"I ask for so little. Just fear me, love me, do as I say, and I will be your slave."
~The Labyrinth

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Post #: 31