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seeking a mentor - 11/30/2007 6:20:20 PM   
blngsmaster


Posts: 10
Joined: 7/1/2005
Status: offline 		despite My name, I am not a Master....I have alot of book knowledge and some D/s experience, but recently was told by a woman that asked Me to enter into a D/s realtionship that she was not comfortable with My lack of experience and that she was seeking training from other Doms. We had never even gotten past a few rules and had not even begun ritual. I care a great deal about her, and the idea of someone else Domming her bothers me greatly. I want to be the one that she looks up to. I need some definite initial training in how to treat a sub, and rituals that make her need and want to serve me. She gave me an example... one of her Doms has her wear a hair tie on her wrist and snap it during the day so she thinks of him. These are the little things that would help me. Any help that would be offered would be appreciated. Thanks.
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: seeking a mentor - 11/30/2007 6:57:16 PM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline 		It depends on the female as to what rituals will turn them on...

I can give you advice as a submissive sort, no two dominants are alike, and there is no guarantee that even if you do change yourself to meet her needs that she will want to belong to you. I can tell you that as a submissive experience means very little, chemistry meant everything. And if you have not even met this lady yet, perhaps she is not what she seems to be anyways, so she is putting you off because she does not actually even want to meet you..

Here is a list of ritual threads for you to read through anyways

http://www.collarchat.com/m_1117497/mpage_1/tm.htm

http://www.collarchat.com/m_48910/mpage_1/key_ritual/tm.htm#50454

http://www.collarchat.com/m_229409/mpage_1/key_ritual/tm.htm#229539

http://www.collarchat.com/m_9175/mpage_1/key_ritual/tm.htm#9175

http://www.collarchat.com/m_512995/mpage_1/key_ritual/tm.htm#514673

Type the word "ritual" into the search parameters on collarme to find more


_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to blngsmaster)
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RE: seeking a mentor - 11/30/2007 7:12:32 PM   
takenbyjohnr07


Posts: 787
Joined: 11/26/2007
Status: offline 		i would go to my local Munch. They have nice people there who are always willing to help and answer questions. At least mine are. Good luck

_____________________________

i am the sole property of Johnr. He is the love of my life and the greatest Owner and i will live to serve and, please him only every day of my life.

(in reply to juliaoceania)
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RE: seeking a mentor - 11/30/2007 7:21:59 PM   
Maya2001


Posts: 1656
Joined: 8/22/2007
From: Woodstock ONT,CANADA
Status: offline 		I do agree with juliaoceania

the differences between doms with the way they do things and their rituals can vary a great deal, the first dom I served has been in the lifestyle for 30 years and expected far less in the way of protocol and rituals from me than the the dom I currently am involved with who has less than 10 years, the first found the protocols and rituals tediuous, and time consumimg and preferred doing things in a much more creative way there is no one true way, find the methods that are comfortable and enjoyable for you.  And as a sub my experiences gained from one Dom did nothing to help me with starting with the other, it is a totally new learning curve where I am starting my learning from scratch again.

< Message edited by Maya2001 -- 11/30/2007 7:23:40 PM >

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Lead me not into temptation - I can find the way myself

(in reply to juliaoceania)
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RE: seeking a mentor - 11/30/2007 7:33:05 PM   
blngsmaster


Posts: 10
Joined: 7/1/2005
Status: offline 		no, we had been going out for a few months, and she claims to still have feelings for Me, and is actively helping Me to gain insight.

(in reply to takenbyjohnr07)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: seeking a mentor - 11/30/2007 7:42:19 PM   
hmmmmnbird


Posts: 51
Joined: 1/30/2005
Status: offline 		"and is actively helping Me to gain insight."


Sounds like the old "I'm doing this for your own good" ploy. Usually the Dom uses that one, in my experience.

I obviously only know what you've told us, but it sounds like she's just not ready to settle down yet, and wants to play around, but not lose you.

(in reply to blngsmaster)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: seeking a mentor - 11/30/2007 7:50:45 PM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: hmmmmnbird

"and is actively helping Me to gain insight."


Sounds like the old "I'm doing this for your own good" ploy. Usually the Dom uses that one, in my experience.

I obviously only know what you've told us, but it sounds like she's just not ready to settle down yet, and wants to play around, but not lose you.



I have to agree with this..

Here is the thing, even if she is being genuine and actively trying to give you insight, it seems more like training to me. Is she training you to be her dom?Is she using the fact that there are other doms that know how "she" wants to be dominated to control you and how you evolve in your dominance?

I suppose I would have a different opinion if she referred you to other dominants to have them mentor you, but that does not seem to be her agenda. You have to ask yourself, do you want to evolve into the dom that you want to be? Or are you going to be trained to be her dom the way she wants you to be?


_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to hmmmmnbird)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: seeking a mentor - 11/30/2007 7:55:29 PM   
blngsmaster


Posts: 10
Joined: 7/1/2005
Status: offline 		whats confusing to me is I had started out doing those things....one of My requests of her was to leave Me a message or comment every day on My web page to let Me know I was in her thots even when I wasnt around....perhaps the physical aspect...snapping the band on the wrist....doubly reinforces the thought.

(in reply to juliaoceania)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: seeking a mentor - 11/30/2007 7:58:36 PM   
MrSpectacular


Posts: 1153
Joined: 8/27/2007
Status: offline 		Well - you have come to the right place - hang out and read the messages - attend some events or munches etc. It is like most of life a learning experience.
good luck


_____________________________

Yes I am Spectacular and they are real!

(in reply to blngsmaster)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: seeking a mentor - 11/30/2007 10:32:48 PM   
Noah


Posts: 1660
Joined: 7/5/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: juliaoceania
... You have to ask yourself, do you want to evolve into the dom that you want to be? Or are you going to be trained to be her dom the way she wants you to be?



Oh for heaven's sake. Is it all that black and white?

Either, or?

Can't a person, submissive or dominant, undertake a gradually evolving process of self-knowledge that arches across any number of partners? And couldn't she be one of those for him? Or must his desire and effort to learn in this particular context doom him to "being trained"?

The only differences I can see between "being trained" and "learning from another" are those each of us arbitrarily chooses to cluster under each heading. What you've learned, you've learned. At that point you can evaluate it all and incorporate what rings true and/or works, and let go of the rest.

To the original poster my compliments for your candor and apparent sincerity. To a large number of potential partners those chracteristics are more important than time in the saddle.

[Note to the ten thousand single subbies with profiles and posts which moan about pretenders and fakes: Here's a guy who doesn't seem to be pretending, or faking anything. And did you notice that while freely admitting his personal limitations he's not intimidated by someone more experienced? Now the ball's in your court.]

As for specific techniques and so forth, a guy can learn a lot here. There are some very impressive people around. I wouldn't be surprised if you could strike up some productive correspondence with one or two members/posters whose thoughts and views seems as though they might resonate with your own. Read some threads and profiles and take a shot.

A service oriented submissive who is between gigs could get her service thing off by sharing with you (witness some of the helpful comments above) and there are at least a few doms around who enjoy cameraderie with someone else who speaks the language, even if not so fluently yet.

I think juliao's comments helpfully highlight the fact that some aspects of WIITWD seem paradoxical, and that those apparent paradoxes resolve differently for different people.

The people I end up doing horrible things to tend to be the ones who, over time, show themselves to relate to the paradoxes in something like the way I do. Maybe it will be the same for you. I dunno. But consider that it may take some months or even years to get to where you'd like to be next week. That is to say: to be able so recognize the people with whom this stuff is going to be most rewarding and meaningful.

And please believe me when I tell you that crap technique with a wonderful partner trumps wonderful technique with a crap partner, every single time.

I'd suggest letting things happen, to a considerable degree, rather than trying too hard to make them happen. But yeah, keep taking some initiative too, learn by doing (if you'll pardon teh expression) at least enough to open the door for some magic to happen.

I'd say you're doing great already and with what you seem to be bringing you might beat the odds.







(in reply to juliaoceania)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: seeking a mentor - 11/30/2007 11:44:31 PM   
blngsmaster


Posts: 10
Joined: 7/1/2005
Status: offline 		thank u for the kind words. I am sincere in My desire to grow....I think My best bet may be to become what I will, and if the interest is still there from her at some point perhaps she will come begging Me to collar her....lol. I already told her that My goal was to one day collar her. If I didnt truly care it would be so much easier to move on.

(in reply to Noah)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: seeking a mentor - 12/1/2007 12:25:16 AM   
OnyxDelphi


Posts: 138
Joined: 5/30/2007
Status: offline 		I asked for a mentor once...but I never got one. Tsk, tsk, tsk.

(in reply to blngsmaster)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: seeking a mentor - 12/1/2007 6:20:51 AM   
Vanatru


Posts: 300
Joined: 4/16/2004
Status: offline 		If you  mean here that her name is blng, that's a place to start. YOU have to be the one leading, to have confidence in yourself and what you're doing. Definitely a great idea is to find a dominant (or 2 or 3) to mentor you, and the local BDSM group will be your best bet. That way the mentor can see you two interact and you can observe them in their interactions with others as well. Archer replied to a thread much like this one, and I hunted down the thread:

http://www.collarchat.com/m_1381542/mpage_1/key_/tm.htm#1381892

He's be a good one to search his thread responses for.

quote:

ORIGINAL: blngsmaster

despite My name, I am not a Master.......


< Message edited by Vanatru -- 12/1/2007 6:22:53 AM >

(in reply to blngsmaster)
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RE: seeking a mentor - 12/1/2007 9:02:13 AM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline
quote:

The only differences I can see between "being trained" and "learning from another" are those each of us arbitrarily chooses to cluster under each heading. What you've learned, you've learned. At that point you can evaluate it all and incorporate what rings true and/or works, and let go of the rest.


I think there is truth to that, but from my limited perspective I have to say that  from that limited perspective that I would not treat a dominant like this, but that is just me. If I said to a dominant that he had to do "x,y and z" to please me, and I was going off with those who already did those things for me, it would mean to me that I was not really interested in that person anyways.. actually I would not go there in the first place, but that is just me and I could be wrong.






_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to Noah)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: seeking a mentor - 12/1/2007 10:23:18 AM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline 		I thought some on what bothers me about this situation, and I came up with the answer..

We are all too used to reading posts from submissives that read something like "He wants a no limits slave, and he is seeing other subs until I agree to do it:" Or, "He says that he wants a bisexual sub, so until I agree to be bisexual he will not stop seeing these other submissives". Or the ever popular "He will not collar me unless I agree to poly"

There is an implied threat in the above statements... changing one into what you want them to be on threat of losing the relationship... stringing someone along until either they do what is wanted, or even if they live up to what is wanted, finding some other excuse to play the field.

Now do I know that this is the agenda of the submissive in question?.... hell no. But there is often a power imbalance in a relationship. This relationship seems much more important to the dominant in this case than the submissive...I do not know that for sure, but it has that impression to me. I suppose that is why there were so many question marks in my original reply... not enough information. I envisioned this dominant doing all that this submissive wants, and it still not being enough,

Now I am not everyone, like I said, it is from my own narrow view, but personally if I loved someone, cared deeply, was smitten and wanted to be with someone.. i would work the "kinks" out of that relationship and no others would be dominating me... but like I said... that is just me, and other people are different from myself.


_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to juliaoceania)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: seeking a mentor - 12/1/2007 12:03:22 PM   
Aceton


Posts: 97
Joined: 9/2/2007
Status: offline 		Master Uberdome is available for mentoring. However your sub may not enjoy his style.

(in reply to blngsmaster)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: seeking a mentor - 12/1/2007 6:13:59 PM   
LittleWench


Posts: 265
Joined: 11/27/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: hmmmmnbird

Sounds like the old "I'm doing this for your own good" ploy. Usually the Dom uses that one, in my experience.

I obviously only know what you've told us, but it sounds like she's just not ready to settle down yet, and wants to play around, but not lose you.


My Master and I had a vanilla relationship for some 6 months before I wrote him a long letter explaining my desire to be submissive.  I believe he has what it takes to be an excellent Master.  Because this is new for both of us, and we are both learning, what is wrong with saying "I prefer this", or "Have you thought about doing it this way"?  I don't see this as topping from the bottom, because we have no established style, or boundaries in place yet, that's what we are doing by openly discussing our preferences, figuring out what both of us do and don't like.  He is always free to take my suggestions under consideration, or dismiss them entirely, its his choice.

A perfect example of this is kneeling.  He initially thought kneeling was a bit too "formal" and maybe even a little kooky.  When I explained the significance and symbolism that kneeling can have for both Master and Slave he saw it in a different light.  "If we are fighting and you bark at me to stop, if I kneel before you, what does that tell you?"  I asked of him.  "That you recognize my authority, that you are showing my physically that you are not just biding your tongue and stewing on the matter, that you submit".  Through many conversations like this we have both learnt a lot about our relationship.

My advice, from someone in a relationship that sounds very similar to yours, is not to give too much credence to those voices that will tell you that she is trying to dominate you.  I assume you have your own ego, self esteem, confidence and a desire to master.  If she suggests something that she wants and you don't, just say no.  She can only top from the bottom if you allow her to, and there is nothing wrong with your partner telling you their desires, fantasies, preferences... what you do with them is your choice.

Now in answer to your specific question in the OP my Master has ordered me to take a photo of myself every day before I go to bed and email it to him (by necessity it will be another 9-12 months before we are reunited).  I have a quota of text messages on his cell phone that I have to fill per month.  Fall below and I get a punishment, exceed it and I get a reward.  I had to write a mantra describing how I felt to be owned.

(in reply to hmmmmnbird)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: seeking a mentor - 12/1/2007 6:21:53 PM   
Lordandmaster


Posts: 10943
Joined: 6/22/2004
Status: offline 		Stay away from the "mentor" business, and if she rejects you because of your lack of experience, tell her to take a hike and find someone else.  Really, the "mentor" is only going to get in her pants, enjoy himself for a while, and wander off after he's wrecked whatever relationship you have with her.  A sub should want you for YOU.

(in reply to blngsmaster)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: seeking a mentor - 12/1/2007 7:48:54 PM   
TysGalilah


Posts: 589
Joined: 11/21/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: blngsmaster

despite My name, I am not a Master....I have alot of book knowledge and some D/s experience, but recently was told by a woman that asked Me to enter into a D/s realtionship that she was not comfortable with My lack of experience and that she was seeking training from other Doms. We had never even gotten past a few rules and had not even begun ritual. I care a great deal about her, and the idea of someone else Domming her bothers me greatly. I want to be the one that she looks up to. I need some definite initial training in how to treat a sub, and rituals that make her need and want to serve me. She gave me an example... one of her Doms has her wear a hair tie on her wrist and snap it during the day so she thinks of him. These are the little things that would help me. Any help that would be offered would be appreciated. Thanks.


not comfortable with My lack of experience
     meaning you don't do things the way she wants them done to her...for her ??
 
she was seeking training from other Doms.
  still seeing others...not wanting to commit to one >????
 
one of her Doms
   hmmm wondering how many she has....
 
perhaps the "problem"  isn't with you or your level of experience ...
 
I read your profile...and bio.
 You speak to a previous long-term relationship in which you knew how to express your ds desires as well as yourself   : )
Your bio sounds like you know how to inspire rather than demand submission.  You sound like you know what YOU want and desire in a relationship and in a submissive..
 
    I have to wonder if SHE can even say the above..
perhaps it is her with the lack of experience.
 
LAM said :
   Stay away from the "mentor" business, and if she rejects you because of your lack of experience, tell her to take a hike and find someone else.  Really, the "mentor" is only going to get in her pants, enjoy himself for a while, and wander off after he's wrecked whatever relationship you have with her.  A sub should want you for YOU.

     wise words : )
 
and You said :
  I am sincere in My desire to grow....I think My best bet may be to become what I will, and if the interest is still there from her at some point perhaps she will come begging Me to collar her

  yes : )
 

If the tables were turned here..and it was a submissive writing this situation out...saying that " her potential master doesn't think she is submissive enough or have enough experience and he wants to continue to play with others until she is good enough for him to consider ....etc "  " but I genuinely care for him and what can I do to make him want me and desire my submission???"
    many on this forum would be telling her he is a player  perhaps a fake...and encouraging her to find someone who is more compatible and willing to accept her commitment and reciprocate.
 
I hope you take your own advice
   smiles..
and enjoy the journey.
 

_____________________________

galilah

.."There are two ways of spreading light: to be the candle or the mirror that reflects it. " Edith Wharton

(in reply to blngsmaster)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: seeking a mentor - 12/1/2007 8:31:37 PM   
LittleWench


Posts: 265
Joined: 11/27/2007
Status: offline 		I wanted to add, the first thing you could do as her Dom is demand that she stop seeing other Doms!  She came to you and asked you to dominate her yes? And you aren't comfortable with her seeing other Doms, right?  Tell her it's not allowed.

(in reply to blngsmaster)
Profile   Post #: 20
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