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I feel so conflicted - 12/3/2007 12:46:09 AM   
angelslave77


Posts: 478
Joined: 5/14/2007
Status: offline 		Well I just got some news, the type that you should be happy for the person, but instead you feel torn apart.

Sir finally heard after about two weeks, that he got a job he really wanted, we had thought he had missed out and he was making serious plans to move here to be with me. Now however that has all potentially changed and I am scared because it is a job he was raving about, and even when he first applied for it I had misgivings about what it would mean to our relationship. If it were just an ordinary job that he was taking to pay the bills I wouldnt be half as concerned, but this is one that pays a lot and is something he really wants.

It just has me so torn because I know I should be  happy for him but instead I feel  hurt and  scared, I just feel like if he really loves this job I might very well lose him to it but even before that happens, it will mean less time together (and we have enough trouble seeing each other now) and I cant see how I will be able to put the hurt and resentment aside if he does take this job.

And then on the flip side if he doesnt take it , is he going to resent me, because I know right now I feel like a selfish bitch for not just being able to be glad for him.

ugh I hate these types of situations
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: I feel so conflicted - 12/3/2007 12:59:42 AM   
Cage


Posts: 202
Joined: 7/6/2004
Status: offline 		As this is posted in the  "Ask a slave " section, and I am a Dom, I may be posting this out of line..... I am sure someone will put me straight on that.
 
Might it be possible for you to move with him. Or is that not the issue? Perhaps you are more worried about the fact that he may not have time for you..
 
Cage.

(in reply to angelslave77)
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RE: I feel so conflicted - 12/3/2007 1:11:00 AM   
angelslave77


Posts: 478
Joined: 5/14/2007
Status: offline 		thank you Cage, and I should perhaps clarify, I cant move to him as I have UM's and their dad wont allow me to leave town otherwise that would be my choice without question, to go to him.

Part of me knows that I am completely stupid for allowing myself to get so worked up over this, he has promised me he will move here and I know he loves me and that he will, I am just finding the distance hard to deal with especially at the moment, when he had promised he would be visiting this week (which was going to happen after already being postponed) but now that may not happen either. So just feeling really really sad right now



(in reply to Cage)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: I feel so conflicted - 12/3/2007 2:02:54 AM   
liminalRapture


Posts: 181
Joined: 9/6/2007
Status: offline 		It is a really, really, really difficult situation.  I feel for you.

IMO, balancing partner, profession and place is the biggest balancing act of our lives!!!  Until recently, I always put my profession above the other two. I could never have made the shift because someone else pushed me to quit a job--I had to come to that conclusion on my own.

There is a GB Shaw quote: "If you begin by sacrificing yourself to those you love, you will end by hating those for whom you sacrificed yourself." 

If you want my advice, you have to be really, really happy for him right now and you have to find a way to proactively find ways to get your needs met as well.  You aren't the least bit stupid for feeling your feelings.  Good for your for recognizing that.  Are there other solutions?  Maybe he can telecommute 1 day a week so you have 3 day weekends?  Maybe your Ums' dad can take the kids on weekends so you can see him? 

_____________________________

"Ring the bells that can still ring. Forget your perfect offering. There's a crack in everything. That's how the light gets in." Leonard Cohen.

(in reply to angelslave77)
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RE: I feel so conflicted - 12/3/2007 2:10:39 AM   
angelslave77


Posts: 478
Joined: 5/14/2007
Status: offline 		thankyou
Um's dad has them quite regularly the trouble is he lives 1400km away (sorry dont know the translation but about 15 or so hour drive.)
So we have to fly to make it worthwhile and that is to pricey for me to visit him regularly ie the whole single mum thing, and up till now he has been able to visit me but BIG fear is that this job will change that, finanacially he will be able to afford it, time wise not so much.

I am wracking my brain for an answer and all I can come up with is like you said liminal, I just need to be happy for him.

I cant control the situation and I just have to trust that whatever happens will be for the best.


(in reply to liminalRapture)
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RE: I feel so conflicted - 12/3/2007 3:17:18 AM   
Cage


Posts: 202
Joined: 7/6/2004
Status: offline 		Air fares are not really that expensive in Australia. While not the complete answer, perhaps an option to consider may be the use of some of his newfound income to visit you on self designated long weekends.
 
I hope so for you. But. I guess these problems are more a sign of the times than anything else.
 
Cage

(in reply to angelslave77)
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RE: I feel so conflicted - 12/3/2007 4:15:13 AM   
MaamJay


Posts: 2101
Joined: 9/2/2005
Status: offline 		Oh hon, I can imagine how you are feeling on this one. Give Me a phone call and let's chat hey? Or even better, let's make a time to catch up so I can give you the big hug in person.
Huggles
Maam Jay aka violet[A]

_____________________________

Life is a song ... and I love singing it! (By me!)

(in reply to Cage)
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RE: I feel so conflicted - 12/3/2007 4:25:45 AM   
Sky42


Posts: 31
Joined: 3/19/2007
Status: offline 		Okay, not up to custody laws in other countries, but at least in most of the states the only time a father could prevetn the mother with kids from moving was if it would make his visitation a hardship.  seeing as he already doesn't live close, that shouldn't be an issue.  I'd check with a lawyer and see if there was some way to legally get around his prohibition on your moving, and get a court order allowing you to do so.

That being said, I can understand, seperated from my owner at the moment and searching frantically for a job that will bring me to her, I don't want to be a burden.

(in reply to MaamJay)
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RE: I feel so conflicted - 12/3/2007 4:35:48 AM   
angelslave77


Posts: 478
Joined: 5/14/2007
Status: offline 		Maamjay i sure could use that hug.

I just had a big chat with Sir and he is all torn up about this too

sky the custody laws in Australia are all about what the dad wants, i have sought legal council and for the imediate future at least i am stuck

Cage I must say i am glad airfares have gotten so much cheaper

(in reply to Sky42)
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RE: I feel so conflicted - 12/3/2007 4:46:25 AM   
MaamJay


Posts: 2101
Joined: 9/2/2005
Status: offline 		I'll help angel out here and clarify ... the UM's father and she live in the same town ... her Sir is the one who lives a long way away in a different state. If she was to move to Sir and take the UMs, that would be taking them out of the state and that is pretty much a no-no here. Especially as at the moment she and the father pretty much share the time with the UMs. And so that's why she's conflicted that her Sir has just scored this great job in His home city ...

Air fares aren't that cheap here either. Minimum of about $300 each way, that's the super-special can't change a thing fare. More usual is closer to $400, could be up to $750 each way and that's pretty prohibitive! It doesn't help that only one airline currently services our town, no competition! Even at the super-special, $600 is a lot to pay for a weekend. The other problem is the travel time ... the flight time might be 3 hours, but it could take up to 6 hours to make the journey one way with stops and connections. That kinda chews up the weekend too.

This isn't going to be easily fixed ...

Maam Jay aka violet[A]

_____________________________

Life is a song ... and I love singing it! (By me!)

(in reply to Sky42)
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RE: I feel so conflicted - 12/3/2007 5:18:02 AM   
Dari


Posts: 192
Joined: 10/8/2007
Status: offline 		Just a thought, but - if your Sir can afford to fly to you, but doesn't have the time to be physically away from work, couldn't he fly you to him when you aren't working and don't have the kids?  It's not an ideal solution, but if he can afford it, and you have the time (hard as a single mom with UMs) - it may be a compromise that lets you see each other more?

(in reply to MaamJay)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: I feel so conflicted - 12/3/2007 5:24:50 AM   
MissSCD


Posts: 1185
Joined: 3/10/2007
Status: offline 		I started as a sub.  
 
I tend to be suspicious of a lot of things because I was taken advantage of when I was a novice. 
If this doesn't feel right now, it surely won' feel right later.  You need to be honest with him on your feelings.
I am in sort of the same situation.  I am a caregiver to  my mother and cannot leave her to move in with my slave.  It causes resentment, and in the end will destroy one of the relationships.
Do what you can honestly do and listen to your heart.  The answer is there.
 
Regards, MissSCD

(in reply to Dari)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: I feel so conflicted - 12/3/2007 5:39:45 AM   
batshalom


Posts: 1990
Joined: 9/17/2007
Status: offline 		My best advice is to try to put yourself in his place. Act with the same enthusiasm and decorum with which you would want to be met. Love him well.

(in reply to MissSCD)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: I feel so conflicted - 12/3/2007 6:23:24 AM   
sweetnurseBBW


Posts: 2464
Joined: 1/26/2006
From: North Carolina
Status: offline 		It is a difficult situation and I feel for you. You two need to sit and talk about what the future may hold and if you two can make it work. It might not be as impossible as it looks now. You both are emotional now and cannot see other options. When the shock has worn off both of you need to find ways to make it work if you can. Good luck to you.

_____________________________

Sir Pain's pain slut

(in reply to angelslave77)
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RE: I feel so conflicted - 12/3/2007 6:26:58 AM   
IrishMist


Posts: 7480
Joined: 11/17/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: angelslave77

Well I just got some news, the type that you should be happy for the person, but instead you feel torn apart.

Sir finally heard after about two weeks, that he got a job he really wanted, we had thought he had missed out and he was making serious plans to move here to be with me. Now however that has all potentially changed and I am scared because it is a job he was raving about, and even when he first applied for it I had misgivings about what it would mean to our relationship. If it were just an ordinary job that he was taking to pay the bills I wouldnt be half as concerned, but this is one that pays a lot and is something he really wants.

It just has me so torn because I know I should be  happy for him but instead I feel  hurt and  scared, I just feel like if he really loves this job I might very well lose him to it but even before that happens, it will mean less time together (and we have enough trouble seeing each other now) and I cant see how I will be able to put the hurt and resentment aside if he does take this job.

And then on the flip side if he doesnt take it , is he going to resent me, because I know right now I feel like a selfish bitch for not just being able to be glad for him.

ugh I hate these types of situations


Oh my. I wish , I really wish, I had some advice for you. This is one of those situations that calls for ALOT of thinking, and ALOT of self-reflection on both parts.

I wish you both the best in your decision.

_____________________________

If I said something to offend you, please tell me what it was so that I can say it again later.


(in reply to angelslave77)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: I feel so conflicted - 12/3/2007 9:33:41 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		You're thinking of this as an either or situation. What about seeing that if he takes this job, then in six months he can look for a similar status/pay job in your area. It will be a lot easier for him to get a job like this when he's already got one, and has proved he can handle it, than it is to get this kind of promotion in the first place. Yes it's six more months, but with the increased pay he can afford to fly more frequently.  Plus if he only uses a credit card that gives frequent flyer miles, that would help.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to IrishMist)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: I feel so conflicted - 12/3/2007 7:46:54 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		I know it sucks, but even the best of promises can't be kept due to life situations.  If it really is best for him in the long term to take this job, then I'd say suck it up and do what's best for the team.

However, you also have to decide whether a LDR is what's best for YOU in the long term also.  You don't have to decide today, although if you're sure now, then don't delay letting him know.

It's ok to feel conflicted, but for me love means enouraging someone to be who they are- even if that means not being with me.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to DesFIP)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: I feel so conflicted - 12/3/2007 9:40:01 PM   
daddysliloneds


Posts: 1351
Joined: 6/28/2006
Status: offline 		you know the old saying, 'if you love someone, set them free'?  this is one of those times when that comes to mind, and a reminder of a path i was on just like yours six or seven years ago...

i knew how happy he'd be with the job; he knew how un-happy i'd be if he took it , but...

i loved him sooooo much, that i put his happiness before mine and supported his decision to take the job; hell, i just about pushed him out the door to go and take it...

i prayed for the best, which i suppose is what happened, because he's happier then he's ever been.  i'd like to say that i regret that things turned out the way that they did,  because our relationship did come to an end, but how could i?  i loved him enough to set him free, though it sure didn't make me feel very good at the time!

your fears and feelings of conflict don't go unjustified, and i don't know what else to tell you except,  i sooooooooo feel for you!

(in reply to angelslave77)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: I feel so conflicted - 12/4/2007 12:47:11 AM   
angelslave77


Posts: 478
Joined: 5/14/2007
Status: offline 		Thankyou all for your wisdom and you are all so right, when we spoke I told him that although it hurts like hell and I know it will be hard, I will support his descion 100% either way. He took the job, and in the light of a new day (and after a a wonderful chat with the fabulous maamjay) I realise I am perfectly ok with it and in the long run it will benefit us . He has told his new employer about our long distance situation so they know he will be taking time off fairly regularly (including two days next week and nearly 2 weeks over xmas ) and all is still ok.

So anyway, I am feeling much more ok today, I still miss him like mad but he has to do this and I know he does.



(in reply to daddysliloneds)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: I feel so conflicted - 12/4/2007 1:11:40 AM   
girlygurl


Posts: 6973
Joined: 8/5/2007
From: in the palms of His hands
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: batshalom

My best advice is to try to put yourself in his place. Act with the same enthusiasm and decorum with which you would want to be met. Love him well.


Very well said. 

~OP my heart goes out to you.  have faith in your Sir that he will take care of the situation and of course take care of you. big (((((((hug)))))))) for you.


girly

(in reply to batshalom)
Profile   Post #: 20
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