RE: Things I don’t understand, part 1

RE: Things I don’t understand, part 1 (Full Version)

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Padriag -> RE: Things I don’t understand, part 1 (8/14/2005 4:33:23 PM)
Whoa... slow down there. First off, this isn't a vanilla situation. Second, I offered a bit of friendly and unasked for advice while also making it clear its her choice and she can take it or leave it as she chooses. quote: On collarme if she didn't state anything the emails would keep pouring in. Like posting that is going to make a damn bit of difference. You know as well as I do that regardless of what she puts on her profile or posts here she's still going to get tons of emails from would-be doms, slave sisters and desparate subby boys hoping she'll dom them. Posting that likely won't even slow them down. The only people that will pay it any attention are the people who would be inclined to treat her with respect anyway... so if the only reason she's doing it is to block unwanted attention is a moot point either way. quote: No matter what she does, someone will take issue with it. I'm not taking issue with it, I offered some polite advice and left it at that, her choice as to what she does. Why are YOU taking issue with it? Neither is this about whether she wants to play the field or not, I frankly don't give a damn who she decides to date or how many. She can go poly and have 10 masters for all I care if thats what she wants. What I DID suggest was that if she is as brand new to the lifestyle as she indicated, she might want to stick with just making friends for awhile until she has her bearings. I'm a firm believer in informed decisions, if shes out making friends with different folks, getting different perspectives and ideas she's that much better informed when she does make a decision to consider someone, who ever that is. If she has friends to talk with and ask questions of, different points of view to keep in mind, she's a lot less likely to have some slick "dom" mess with her head. But like I said, all I gave was some friendly advice and its her choice to do what she wants, and she's a grown woman I would think she's capable of making her own mind up about that.

ehlovindom -> RE: Things I don’t understand, part 1 (8/14/2005 6:52:20 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Raphael If it's the person I'm thinking of, she made a new profile but her old one was up a lot longer, and the guy she took the collar from she's known for several years. Not saying it IS the same person, but there's an alternative theory for you. Anyhow, nothing to be gained by getting worked up over it. Can't say one way or the other but it didn't strike me that this was a new version of an old profile but you never know.

ehlovindom -> RE: Things I don’t understand, part 1 (8/14/2005 6:55:02 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: DesertRat Not sure if "sour grapes" is the best term for it but, yeah, seems like something like that. Maybe your expectations were too high, so you set yourself up for a big disappointment? I do that sometimes, but that is how I learn. Bob Only expectations I had was that she might actually read the 2nd email I sent to her? I learned long ago to keep the bar very low when being on-line. I expect nothing to happen the majority of time but I have been lucky a few times to experience some special friendships.

ehlovindom -> RE: Things I don’t understand, part 1 (8/14/2005 7:02:10 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: ivana When i first read the OP i suddenly became terrified it was about me. i think there are at least one or two male Doms who could very easily have said the exact same thing in regards to what i've done as well. I peeked at your profile and I see the similarities but it isn't you! quote: i'm choosing to do it this way (almost exactly as you described except that it was a month and would have given you an explaination not a blank wall) for a couple of reasons. Ironically to me, the main one is for safety both physical and emotional. Even as i type this, i know how ignorant that must sound, but i honestly need to focus wholeheartedly on one person at at time while i learn what they're about. Liars and cheaters write great profiles too and i'm the first to admit i'm not good at judging character. Basically this "collar" is my way of saying i'm considering someone that i think i want to consider me, not "i have found the One." I don't think what you say/how you feel is ignorant at all. You waited a month and were upfront with the others who might have contacted you. As for focusing on one person at a time, isn't that how it should be? quote: It does seem red-flaggish and i totally understand how you might feel this way by this behaviour. i see it in myself but i understand my motivations and do not profess to understand anyone elses. Thank you for listening. ~ivana Actually, I don't see what you did as that smiliar to my experience and it was insightful to read your perspective and thinking. Thank you for sharing and best of luck.

EmeraldSlave2 -> RE: Things I don’t understand, part 1 (8/14/2005 8:37:27 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: ehlovindom This person was on the site for about three or four days, very new to the lifestyle, expresses her desire to chat with others and learn and then accepts this “collar of consideration.” Am I being unreasonable? Does anyone see any red flags here? Is it sour grapes on my part? You were too slow, fresh meat is a hot commodity here. Whether it ends up becoming tomorrows "bad first experience" for her or her absolute soul mate, what's done is done. Move on and be gracious. Newbies are often in frenzy and more than willing to be snatched up, accept it and maybe you'll be speedy enough next time.

cmatrix4761 -> RE: Things I don’t understand, part 1 (8/15/2005 9:39:54 AM)
It has always been my position that the "collar of consideration" is a hugely unwise dominant move (assuming it be instigated by the dominant). The dom's first responsiblity is for the well-being of the submissive, and shutting said submissive from a community is not only unhealthy, but dangerous in some cases. Indeed, removing privilege to communicate is an excellent training and punishment technique; but, it should only be one of those: training or punishment. Any real dominant would know that a submissive can grow to be a much better submissive by sharing the collective experience of the BDSM community. Just my thoughts... -- CM

nella -> RE: Things I don’t understand, part 1 (8/15/2005 9:46:01 AM)
How is that more wrong cmatrix4761 than somone that dont want the one they are dating to see others while they discover if they want a relationship.

cmatrix4761 -> RE: Things I don’t understand, part 1 (8/15/2005 10:06:32 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: nella How is that more wrong cmatrix4761 than somone that dont want the one they are dating to see others while they discover if they want a relationship. To me, it runs closely to not letting your new girlfriend go to the bar because you're afraid she'll meet someone else. -- CM

perverseangelic -> RE: Things I don’t understand, part 1 (8/15/2005 10:52:13 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: cmatrix4761 quote: ORIGINAL: nella How is that more wrong cmatrix4761 than somone that dont want the one they are dating to see others while they discover if they want a relationship. To me, it runs closely to not letting your new girlfriend go to the bar because you're afraid she'll meet someone else. -- CM In a vanilla relationship, that might be a problem. In a power play one, I can't see that it is. She's -yours-. Regardless of newness or not, regardless as to the wiseness of the choice to belong to someone (or be considered by someoen) the individual has done so. By agreeing to that, she gives the dominant person the right to do what he/she likes, y'know? I don't see it as a problem.

Angrylibrarian -> RE: Things I don’t understand, part 1 (8/15/2005 11:18:34 AM)
actually the 'under consideration' concept is a bad one, not that I'm preaching a solution. It's an arbitrary tool that lets a dominant wannabe put a girl on hold so she wont find out what a putz he is compared to others. If a guy does that he's insecure. I can not think of a single good reason, relationship wise or other why someone would need to do that but hey, we all have that problem with insecurity now and again. If a girl is under consideration by a man and she likes him she hardly has to take herself off the market to do it. Someday I'd like to see submissives putting "being considered by so and so, so and so, so and so and so and so." That way their fellow submissives might see whose zooming who if you know what I mean.

nella -> RE: Things I don’t understand, part 1 (8/15/2005 11:24:59 AM)
Me and my Dom is having on another under consideration one might say, we are tyring out the D/s lifestyle and see if it works for us. But we have been together for seven years and it is only the D/s that is under consideration.

Veav -> RE: Things I don’t understand, part 1 (8/15/2005 11:30:33 AM)
Anyone ever see a master put "under consideration by slave so-and-so" in their profile?

ElektraUkM -> RE: Things I don’t understand, part 1 (8/15/2005 11:36:30 AM)
Asking someone not to talk to other people is always a little dodgy in my opinion. But when one is 'only' 'under consideration' (i.e. there is no 'real' relationship there yet) to ask someone not to communicate with others? Why? The only reason I can think of is that the dom who got there first is nervous someone 'better' might come along before he has a chance to make his mark. Insecurity is what leaps to my mind. Just my opinions. I know others have said it's a dom's 'right', but I wouldn't be involved with anyone like that. ~ Elektra

Padriag -> RE: Things I don’t understand, part 1 (8/15/2005 11:53:36 AM)
Ah but nobody owns anybody until a collar goes around somebody's neck. quote: Someday I'd like to see submissives putting "being considered by so and so, so and so, so and so and so and so." That way their fellow submissives might see whose zooming who if you know what I mean. Yup... if I'm seriously interested in someone, try getting me to shut up about her! I always find it very odd that in many of these "consideration" cases, the dominant wants to remain hidden, he is not named in her profile, she isn't mentioned in his, he doesn't mention he's even considering anyone, etc. Ladies, if a dom behaves this way, here's $2, buy a clue... it says a lot about where you actually rate in his world.

Faramir -> RE: Things I don’t understand, part 1 (8/15/2005 12:06:50 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: cmatrix4761 It has always been my position that the "collar of consideration" is a hugely unwise dominant move (assuming it be instigated by the dominant). The dom's first responsiblity is for the well-being of the submissive, and shutting said submissive from a community is not only unhealthy, but dangerous in some cases. Indeed, removing privilege to communicate is an excellent training and punishment technique; but, it should only be one of those: training or punishment. Any real dominant would know that a submissive can grow to be a much better submissive by sharing the collective experience of the BDSM community. Just my thoughts... -- CM Your thoughts are all wrong.

Faramir -> RE: Things I don’t understand, part 1 (8/15/2005 12:10:12 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: ehlovindom Is it sour grapes on my part? Hella sour grapes. Brother, this is going to happen to you oh, like 85 more times. You can accept that women at this and other sites will frequently do things that chap your ass, and keep wlaking your path with dignity, or you can not accept it, let it get to you, and come to the forums with bitching about how you got done wrong...with no dignity.

perverseangelic -> RE: Things I don’t understand, part 1 (8/15/2005 12:15:16 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Angrylibrarian actually the 'under consideration' concept is a bad one, not that I'm preaching a solution. It's an arbitrary tool that lets a dominant wannabe put a girl on hold so she wont find out what a putz he is compared to others. If a guy does that he's insecure. I can not think of a single good reason, relationship wise or other why someone would need to do that but hey, we all have that problem with insecurity now and again. If a girl is under consideration by a man and she likes him she hardly has to take herself off the market to do it. Someday I'd like to see submissives putting "being considered by so and so, so and so, so and so and so and so." That way their fellow submissives might see whose zooming who if you know what I mean. Perhaps, but it's a bad idea accepted by the woman. I think that it's her choice, and that even new people -can- make an informed choice. I am a big advocate of treating submissive people like they are totally functional people. This includes letting them make mistakes. I do agree that it's weird to not ask him/her to speak to anyone else and to prefer not to be named. HOWEVER, that's the submissive person's mistake to make. I know that even when I was new I would have stayed away from anyone who wanted to limit my conversational contact. I think that it's important to educate, but to also allow people to do what works for them.

Padriag -> RE: Things I don’t understand, part 1 (8/15/2005 12:30:58 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Faramir quote: ORIGINAL: cmatrix4761 It has always been my position that the "collar of consideration" is a hugely unwise dominant move (assuming it be instigated by the dominant). The dom's first responsiblity is for the well-being of the submissive, and shutting said submissive from a community is not only unhealthy, but dangerous in some cases. Indeed, removing privilege to communicate is an excellent training and punishment technique; but, it should only be one of those: training or punishment. Any real dominant would know that a submissive can grow to be a much better submissive by sharing the collective experience of the BDSM community. Just my thoughts... -- CM Your thoughts are all wrong. Then again, that's just your opinion. [;)]

cmatrix4761 -> RE: Things I don’t understand, part 1 (8/15/2005 12:51:38 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Faramir quote: ORIGINAL: cmatrix4761 It has always been my position that the "collar of consideration" is a hugely unwise dominant move (assuming it be instigated by the dominant). The dom's first responsiblity is for the well-being of the submissive, and shutting said submissive from a community is not only unhealthy, but dangerous in some cases. Indeed, removing privilege to communicate is an excellent training and punishment technique; but, it should only be one of those: training or punishment. Any real dominant would know that a submissive can grow to be a much better submissive by sharing the collective experience of the BDSM community. Just my thoughts... -- CM Your thoughts are all wrong. That's quite narrowminded. I didn't mean these were supposed to be ethics; that's why I put 'Just my thoughts'; because it's just that: my thoughts. Although I do find it humorous how defensive you seemed to have gotten; did I hit a nerve? Haha, -- CM

cmatrix4761 -> RE: Things I don’t understand, part 1 (8/15/2005 12:52:37 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Padriag quote: ORIGINAL: Faramir quote: ORIGINAL: cmatrix4761 It has always been my position that the "collar of consideration" is a hugely unwise dominant move (assuming it be instigated by the dominant). The dom's first responsiblity is for the well-being of the submissive, and shutting said submissive from a community is not only unhealthy, but dangerous in some cases. Indeed, removing privilege to communicate is an excellent training and punishment technique; but, it should only be one of those: training or punishment. Any real dominant would know that a submissive can grow to be a much better submissive by sharing the collective experience of the BDSM community. Just my thoughts... -- CM Your thoughts are all wrong. Then again, that's just your opinion. [;)] :D That's all I meant it to be. -- CM

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