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Not sure what to do . - 12/4/2007 4:54:57 AM

tigerlilly34

Posts: 70
Status: offline

My situation to say the least is a bit complicated. It started as strictly a D/s relationship and grew into something far more than that. It helped prode me to get a reality check of the abusive mariage I was in and get a divorce and get back on my own two feet. That was almost eight years ago. Well he says he loves me and says things will be different but then if i had a nickle for everythime i heard that i wouldn't be figuring out how to fund gas in my car this week either. He is caring and loving and does help me out when i need it. But we have been together eight years and i keep hearing well i have a commitment to the people who work for me or i cant leave my wife cause now she is diabetic and they wont insure her thru work, or i dont want to upset my kids, (2 of whom are grown and gone now.) Just seems lately well since mid summer that i am somehow being dependant on him now and missing out on my life again. I dont know what to do i love him very much and it just kills me. Our work schedules have not been great either but even with that it just seems like our time together is few and far between. We don't even play anymore cause i just dont feel like i want to be there anymore. not to say i have not tried to get there and stay in the mindset, but i can't and then it just gets frustrating. He says its ok and that he is still here and will be patient but i keep hearing about how he wants to play hard core like we used to and i dont feel like i can partially because i feel let down everywhere else in our relationship. I am so confused and emotional im at a loss of what to do or should i just go see a couselor?

Post #: 1

RE: Not sure what to do . - 12/4/2007 5:01:25 AM

mistoferin

Posts: 8284
Joined: 10/27/2004
Status: offline

I think that it's pretty obvious what you should do...actually, a couple of things you should do. Maybe you should read what you just wrote.

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Post #: 2

RE: Not sure what to do . - 12/4/2007 5:16:35 AM

tigerlilly34

Posts: 70
Status: offline

we split this summer for awhile for about 2 weeks and we ended up back with each other but i still feel the same.

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Post #: 3

RE: Not sure what to do . - 12/4/2007 5:18:54 AM

IrishMist

Posts: 7480
Joined: 11/17/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: mistoferin

I think that it's pretty obvious what you should do...actually, a couple of things you should do. Maybe you should read what you just wrote.

Only going to agree with what Erin said here.

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Post #: 4

RE: Not sure what to do . - 12/4/2007 5:22:14 AM

LATEXBABY64

Posts: 2107
Joined: 4/8/2004
Status: offline

This is a dead end relationship. Or love addiction. Reality is often not as blunt or hard as but always true to the point of what is right for you. You are not ok with what is going on and it is throwing you into a depressive cycle of questioning your own abilites. It is time for you first take a break. Second do a cleansing. Third put you first. Last find what you want again. Some people can change but when someone makes excuses. I would say Not

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Post #: 5

RE: Not sure what to do . - 12/4/2007 5:43:58 AM

Kalista07

Posts: 4240
Joined: 7/1/2007
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Prime definition of insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results

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Post #: 6

RE: Not sure what to do . - 12/4/2007 6:14:54 AM

Owner4SexSlave

Posts: 1311
Joined: 4/4/2007
Status: offline

Sounds like you have finally grown to a point where you have come to realize many things. You have learned well and have grown as far as you could with this one relationship. Ok, now that you realize you finally have your wings, what are you going to do next?

I agree, with what was said, go back and read what you yourself wrote. Step back and look at yourself from an outside perspective, as if you were a complete stranger reading it.

(in reply to tigerlilly34)

Post #: 7

RE: Not sure what to do . - 12/4/2007 6:44:44 AM

KatyLied

Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline

The answer is in front of you. Find the strength to build a better life.

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Post #: 8

RE: Not sure what to do . - 12/4/2007 6:58:37 AM

toservez

Posts: 1733
Joined: 9/7/2006
From: All over now in Minnesota
Status: offline

I think you know what you actually need to do but are either looking for support to do so or for people to tell you things can change with him and stick it out.

I am a big believer in not settling for something that is not working because I am too afraid the unknown could be worse. Everyone in a relationship deserves to be equally important to each other and that is something you will never have from this man.

It never hurts to go see a counselor and would be a solid first step.

_____________________________

I am sorry I do not fit Webster's defintion of a slave but thankfully my Master is not Webster.

"Anything that contradicts experience and logic should be abandoned." - H.H. The 14th Dalai Lama

(in reply to tigerlilly34)

Post #: 9

RE: Not sure what to do . - 12/4/2007 7:23:59 AM

Dnomyar

Posts: 7933
Joined: 6/27/2005
Status: offline

Why waste your money on a conselor or a shrink. You are getting good free advice on here.

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Post #: 10

RE: Not sure what to do . - 12/4/2007 8:45:21 AM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

You went from one bad relationship to another without taking the time to deal with your problems. Why do you feel that you don't deserve to be in a relationship with someone who means what he says?

Of course, he wants to play again. He isn't ever going to be with you, he doesn't want to be. He's married and plans to stay married with a convenient bit on the side.

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Post #: 11

RE: Not sure what to do . - 12/4/2007 11:54:18 AM

breatheasone

Posts: 4004
Joined: 7/14/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: tigerlilly34

My situation to say the least is a bit complicated. It started as strictly a D/s relationship and grew into something far more than that. It helped prode me to get a reality check of the abusive mariage I was in and get a divorce and get back on my own two feet. That was almost eight years ago. Well he says he loves me and says things will be different but then if i had a nickle for everythime i heard that i wouldn't be figuring out how to fund gas in my car this week either. He is caring and loving and does help me out when i need it. But we have been together eight years and i keep hearing well i have a commitment to the people who work for me or i cant leave my wife cause now she is diabetic and they wont insure her thru work, or i dont want to upset my kids, (2 of whom are grown and gone now.) Just seems lately well since mid summer that i am somehow being dependant on him now and missing out on my life again. I dont know what to do i love him very much and it just kills me. Our work schedules have not been great either but even with that it just seems like our time together is few and far between. We don't even play anymore cause i just dont feel like i want to be there anymore. not to say i have not tried to get there and stay in the mindset, but i can't and then it just gets frustrating. He says its ok and that he is still here and will be patient but i keep hearing about how he wants to play hard core like we used to and i dont feel like i can partially because i feel let down everywhere else in our relationship. I am so confused and emotional im at a loss of what to do or should i just go see a counselor?

I'm so sorry it has turned out for you this way....Thats a very scary scenario.

_____________________________

Romans 10:13,For whosoever shall call upon the name of the Lord shall be saved.
Mike posts in black font
candy posts in pink font

(in reply to tigerlilly34)

Post #: 12

RE: Not sure what to do . - 12/4/2007 12:03:59 PM

CreativeDominant

Posts: 11032
Joined: 3/11/2006
Status: offline

No need to see a counselor...just look at what you yourself wrote and what these other good posters have written.

You say that he helped you see that you were stuck in a deadend, abusive marriage...take what he taught you then and look at the relationship you are in now. A dominant who will not leave his wife but still wants you on the side. Is that not abuse of a sort? Certainly, something about it is striking you ...no pun intended...the wrong way or you would not have written it.

If you do not want to leave just yet, then time to confront and ask when the situation will change. A definitive time at least gives you time to prepare for the next step, whether it is with him or elsewhere. I am betting it is going to be elsewhere.

(in reply to tigerlilly34)

Post #: 13

RE: Not sure what to do . - 12/4/2007 12:26:17 PM

CelticPrince

Posts: 3613
Joined: 4/15/2005
Status: offline

lilly,

ditto to everything above / we all cannot be wrong. I have no doubt that he cares about you very much, but times awasting girl.

CP

(in reply to tigerlilly34)

Post #: 14

RE: Not sure what to do . - 12/4/2007 12:55:41 PM

agirl

Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
Status: offline

You might not be sure "WHAT to do" but it looks like you're sure about what you DON'T want to do. Lots of things become clear that way round. It's as good a way as any.

agirl

(in reply to tigerlilly34)

Post #: 15

RE: Not sure what to do . - 12/4/2007 12:59:23 PM

petpete

Posts: 677
Joined: 7/6/2007
Status: offline

Hey tiger... If you ask me whats going on between Y/you 2 its nothing more then a typical married situation like any other long term couple.. Y/you both know each other to well to the point where Y/you both have got a little bored with each other.. Try and find ways to surprise your partner or spark again the excitement that Y/you guys had.. i have been through it myself and mine didn't go to well cause when i started trying to do that it was just to late.. When a couple start taking each other for granted it may lead to boredom.. Goodluck..

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Post #: 16

RE: Not sure what to do . - 12/4/2007 1:41:13 PM

Stephann

Posts: 4214
Joined: 12/27/2006
From: Portland, OR
Status: offline

ORIGINAL: tigerlilly34

My situation to say the least is a bit complicated. It started as strictly a D/s relationship and grew into something far more than that. It helped prode me to get a reality check of the abusive mariage I was in and get a divorce and get back on my own two feet. That was almost eight years ago. Well he says he loves me and says things will be different but then if i had a nickle for everythime i heard that i wouldn't be figuring out how to fund gas in my car this week either. He is caring and loving and does help me out when i need it. But we have been together eight years and i keep hearing well i have a commitment to the people who work for me or i cant leave my wife cause now she is diabetic and they wont insure her thru work, or i dont want to upset my kids, (2 of whom are grown and gone now.) Just seems lately well since mid summer that i am somehow being dependant on him now and missing out on my life again. I dont know what to do i love him very much and it just kills me. Our work schedules have not been great either but even with that it just seems like our time together is few and far between. We don't even play anymore cause i just dont feel like i want to be there anymore. not to say i have not tried to get there and stay in the mindset, but i can't and then it just gets frustrating. He says its ok and that he is still here and will be patient but i keep hearing about how he wants to play hard core like we used to and i dont feel like i can partially because i feel let down everywhere else in our relationship. I am so confused and emotional im at a loss of what to do or should i just go see a couselor?

Sounds to me like you've done half the work already. Comments in red tell me where you're going wrong. Comments in blue are where you're going right.

Pull your life together, and move on. A counselor can help you do that more effectively; but the best help you can get, is the help you give yourself. Your Dom has done his part in your life to help you; now it's your turn.

Stephan

_____________________________

Nosce Te Ipsum

"The blade itself incites to violence" - Homer

Men: Find a Woman here

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Post #: 17

RE: Not sure what to do . - 12/4/2007 2:54:37 PM

boundlove40

Posts: 2
Joined: 12/4/2007
Status: offline

Although all the comments here make some sense only you can determine what it is that you want and what is important. Reading your entry sounds as though there might be some underlying things as well; work for example. You say you love him very much and it just kills you. Am not trying to be the bad guy, but you two seem to have a lot of history. Do you talk to each other? In a lot of long term relationships as mentioned before (petpete), time and boredom can set in. The taking one another for granted, not being spontaneous, not wanting to experiment maybe, just things that happen to a couple over time especially when you know one another so well, so personal. With that happening, (in his mind) would he be moving from one dull relationship into another? Work related issues too can cause all sorts of problems, carreers and responsibilities can create upheaval as well. I am sure you have as much or even more responsibilities as he does, single females even though independent, even in todays world have their work cut out for them. I have actually been through a similar relationship, it took several years before leaving a bad relationship. Now, it is the best thing I have done for myself in many years, and my better half of today, is great. We experienced much of the same feelings you are having and it is not to say it was not tough, because it was, but it did work out finally and we are with each other as we were meant to be. I would have to say at least in our case, there were other issues we had to deal with first, carreers was one, housing was another, distance was a huge factor, (clear across the state) we did a laundry list if you will, kind of the who, what, when, and where questions that we had to answer as well. Each of you will have to look at their respective situation, is your relationship the cause of all problems, or are all problems leading to more stress on an already stressful situation. only you two can decide. I wish you the best, counselor; no, maybe, friends / CM advice; maybe, be careful, honest evaluation and open discussion with your partner; absolutely. maybe an inventory of issues, and a check list to address them. It would seem to me with 8 years of history, some really good communication could go a long way. Something brought the two of you together, something even with out playing as you say is keeping you together, there must be somthing very special between you. you need to recapture that. but these are just my thoughts and opinion. I wish you the best.

(in reply to tigerlilly34)

Post #: 18

RE: Not sure what to do . - 12/4/2007 5:05:19 PM

slavegirljoy

Posts: 1207
Joined: 11/6/2006
From: North Carolina, USA
Status: offline

tigerlilly34,

The answer is right in front of you. You just need to be brave enough to see it. You need to believe in yourself enough to follow-through on what you already know you need to do. For goodness sake, you don't need anonymous strangers on the Internet telling you what you should do. Would you go stand in front of Wal-Mart with a sign asking, "What should I do?"

Be the strong and capable woman that you know you are, the one who can leave an abusive husband and raise 2 kids to adulthood.

slave joy
Owned property of Master David

(in reply to tigerlilly34)

Post #: 19

RE: Not sure what to do . - 12/4/2007 6:20:32 PM

laurell3

Posts: 6577
Joined: 5/5/2005
Status: offline

Actually I'm going to disagree with what most said. Yes, you need to change this situation, however, a counselor can help you find out why you keep repeating the same patterns or whether you are not enjoying the things you used to because of something such as depression, which is not as easy on your own. Therapy with a good therapist is rarely a bad idea for anyone, especially someone who relates being quite miserable.

< Message edited by laurell3 -- 12/4/2007 6:21:14 PM >

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When you fail to consider that I am the best judge for what is right for me, all of your opinions become suspect to me.

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Post #: 20

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