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I'd like to ask this again..... - 12/4/2007 5:05:18 AM

Cissykay1999

Posts: 61
Joined: 10/9/2007
Status: offline

I know this has been addressed before, but I would like to ask a question of the Dommes. This to me, is a serious problem that some subs face. And yes, I do speak from experience.
I see on most profiles from dominant women seeking a submissive male the same sentence. IE: No photo, no reply. I am one sub that has had serious problems after posting a photo on collarme.
I met a domme on here, and sent her the requested photos of myself. I won't bore anyone with the details, but after the relationship ended, the photos, and many of our conversations on collarme would up in the CEO's inbox at the company I worked for. I lost a six figure income, and couldn't even use the company for a reference after I was uncerimoniously fired on the spot. There is no reason in the world, upto and including losing a domme, that could ever get me to post another picture on here.
I have answered literally hundreds of profiles from women who just delete my request because it doesn't include a head shot. I am perfectly willing to send pictures to anyone who asks on their private email, just not on here.
Now I understand that many dommes deal with phonies, but is it too much to ask that I send photos to a private e-mail address? If I can't get a reply from a domme, it's impossible to even begin a relationship, much less send photos. OK, I've said my piece, and if any dommes would like to post their views, I'd love to see this from the other side.

Post #: 1

RE: I'd like to ask this again..... - 12/4/2007 5:08:06 AM

MzMia

Posts: 5333
Joined: 7/30/2004
Status: offline

I have not and will never post a face shot of myself on the internet.
If I want to send a photo, I send it through email only.
I tell all the young people in my family to not do it either.
Not on MySpace, YourSpace or any other Space.
I have been online for almost 13 years, and never felt the need to do so.

If your story is true, I am sorry this happened to you.

< Message edited by MzMia -- 12/4/2007 5:10:11 AM >

_____________________________

Namaste'
To Each His/Her Own
"DENIAL ain't just a river in Egypt." Mark Twain

What's your favorite fetish?
"My partner's whisper"--bloomswell

(in reply to Cissykay1999)

Post #: 2

RE: I'd like to ask this again..... - 12/4/2007 5:49:20 AM

Cissykay1999

Posts: 61
Joined: 10/9/2007
Status: offline

MzMia,
Thank you for the response, and I assure you, it's true. I just can't figure out how a man and a woman can start a dialogue on here when I can't even get them to reply. Then again, it could be my profile or interests just turn all the women off. I hope that isn't the case.

(in reply to MzMia)

Post #: 3

RE: I'd like to ask this again..... - 12/4/2007 6:04:11 AM

RumpusParable

Posts: 1923
Joined: 7/7/2005
From: NYC now!
Status: offline

It's certainly your decision to show what you want and when, but the first thing that struck me in reading your story is that sending pictures of yourself only through email would not have stopped what happened to you and will not actually help avoid it in the future. Unless in these talks with a domme you never discuss anything regarding kink, domination, etc and keep it strictly "so how is the weather?" the messages and photos sent through outside email can be used against you again.

The only thing not posting a picture in your profile will do is avoid having someone run across it when on this site and/or screenshotting it to use elsewhere. Understandable to want to avoid that, yes.

But as to the "no pic, no reply"... why don't you have a picture up? It doesn't have to be a clear face shot to be a picture and any nice shot of you is better than none. None tends to put you in the "most likely a wanker" group due to the tendency for those sorts to message without a picture, whereas a nice looking non-face (or slightly blurred face or other) shot puts you up into the area of "willing to show themselves, but are concerned about privacy". A much better group to be in.

_____________________________

Relationships come and go, but plastination is forever.

I generally use fast-reply. If directing my post at someone specific I will indicate so.

Minimal summary: Artist, Disabled Veteran, Vegan, Pornographer, and Agender dominant female.

(in reply to Cissykay1999)

Post #: 4

RE: I'd like to ask this again..... - 12/4/2007 6:25:56 AM

WyckedIndulgence

Posts: 153
Joined: 8/17/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Cissykay1999

I see on most profiles from dominant women seeking a submissive male the same sentence. IE: No photo, no reply. I am one sub that has had serious problems after posting a photo on collarme.
I met a domme on here, and sent her the requested photos of myself. I won't bore anyone with the details, but after the relationship ended, the photos, and many of our conversations on collarme would up in the CEO's inbox at the company I worked for. I lost a six figure income, and couldn't even use the company for a reference after I was uncerimoniously fired on the spot. There is no reason in the world, upto and including losing a domme, that could ever get me to post another picture on here.
I have answered literally hundreds of profiles from women who just delete my request because it doesn't include a head shot. I am perfectly willing to send pictures to anyone who asks on their private email, just not on here.

Unfortunately there are folks out there who feel the need to be vindictive when life doesn't go their way and in their fury they choose to expose the private lives of others. However, whether posting a photo on a website or sending it via email, your photo is still out there and runs the risk of being used and exploited for whatever purpose the recipient chooses. On the other hand, not everyone is so callous and hateful they would resort to such immature tactics as you've experienced.

Being exposed when a relationship ends, especially under negative circumstances, is a common fear among many and speaks volumes of the integrity or lack thereof of those who choose to play such childish games. Relatively "out" to most who know me, I still require and expect a certain amount of discretion regarding my proclivities and extend the same courtesy to those I involve myself with regardless of the outcome of our interactions/relationship.

It's unfortunate this happened to you and I hope it hasn't tainted your view of dommes as a whole. There are many wonderful women out there who understand and live by a code of ethics where trust, respect and integrity are at the forefront of what they seek in a relationship.

~ Mz P

_____________________________

Give it up boy... some days it's just not worth chewing through the restraints!

(in reply to Cissykay1999)

Post #: 5

RE: I'd like to ask this again..... - 12/4/2007 6:50:06 AM

Cissykay1999

Posts: 61
Joined: 10/9/2007
Status: offline

Rumpus,
Thanks for the advice. What actually happened was that the photo was forwarded in the collarme setting. If it were forwarded as a Yahoo photo, the comparison could not have been made. Since my Yahoo handle is quite vanilla, it would have been impossible, (and probably illegal) for them to act on it. The problem I had was explaining why I was on collarme in the first place, and an email with my photo attached cooked me. I hope I'm explaining this properly, and not confusing anyone, and the thought i have now, is that I have a photo that is quite blurred now, and if i do send it, at least a domme won't be able to say I didn't try. Thanks again.

(in reply to RumpusParable)

Post #: 6

RE: I'd like to ask this again..... - 12/4/2007 6:51:42 AM

Ecossaise

Posts: 34
Joined: 11/13/2007
Status: offline

I will not post a photo on the internet either, for various reasons. In the short time I have been here on collarme I have come to the conclusion that there are three types of people registered - and I don't mean Mistresses/Masters, subs, and switches.

1. People who are here to meet others, parlaying an encounter on line into one face to face,

2. People who are here because they are in the lifestyle, want to take part in discussions, but are not looking for a lifestyle partner here, and

3. People (I'm sorry) who are wasting everyone else's time.

Please be careful at all times. Incidentally, I do not think much of any CEO who fires someone because of his or her sexuality, lifestyle choices, philosophy, etc. Now that is one time I would name and shame!

_____________________________

M

(in reply to WyckedIndulgence)

Post #: 7

RE: I'd like to ask this again..... - 12/4/2007 6:57:52 AM

Cissykay1999

Posts: 61
Joined: 10/9/2007
Status: offline

Wyked,
Thanks for understanding. It may be a moot point anyway, since I'm getting married next Saturday. Would any domme out there like to be the bride? I'll never give up on any woman that's smart enough to know she's in charge, and men need direction. I've found many fakes (as we all have), but I've also found some very nice people on here. Too bad I haven't found one that thinks I'm worthy of serving her, but who knows. Maybe someday.

(in reply to WyckedIndulgence)

Post #: 8

RE: I'd like to ask this again..... - 12/4/2007 7:08:02 AM

Cissykay1999

Posts: 61
Joined: 10/9/2007
Status: offline

Ecossaise,
You're very close to being exactly right about the types of people. I've never looked at it quite like that.

P.S. I just love your accent.

(in reply to Ecossaise)

Post #: 9

RE: I'd like to ask this again..... - 12/4/2007 7:08:56 AM

ShaktiSama

Posts: 1674
Joined: 8/13/2007
Status: offline

I agree with RumpusParable. The thing that bit you on the ass in the past was a betrayal of real intimacy, not a casual misuse of a picture by a stranger. It wasn't the picture that did you in, it was explicit letters and a person who knew everything about you--including where you worked and who to send damning evidence to, to get you fired.

Nothing can protect you from a relationship with a psychobitch other than refusing to get involved with psychobitches. (Believe me, anyone who feels the need to involve your boss or other family members in the break-up of a failed DS relationship is a Psychobitch of Biblical Proportion. Or Psychobastard, if dealing with the male of the species.)

If you cannot be "out" about your sexual interests--and many people cannot--post a picture of yourself to your profile which shows your body, but not your face. Unless you have scars or tattoos as identifying marks, this should be sufficient to protect your identity--not too many people with a six-figure income go to work nude or in a tshirt anyway.

When you are trying to establish a relationship with a new woman, if she asks for a picture you're going to have to provide one. She is just as entitled to be safe and informed in her choices as you are, and having a picture to identify you is part of her own personal safety when she meets you in person. Just as you have no way of knowing she is not a Psychobitch Out to Ruin Your Life, she has no way of knowing that you are not a Serial Killer Looking For His Latest Victim.

Sorry, but these things work both ways. It's not a perfect world. You need to avoid Psychobitches, and dommes need to avoid wankers--they also need to avoid abusers, predators, and men who are lying about being married and other things. I seriously doubt that any domme is going to put your insecurities and doubts over her own policies, needs and preferences just because you have trust issues. I know I wouldn't. Although I don't demand a picture before I reply to a single email, I do ask for one if I am interested in meeting with or working with someone. If a man can't trust me with a picture, he probably shouldn't trust me with a pair of handcuffs or a riding crop either!

(in reply to WyckedIndulgence)

Post #: 10

RE: I'd like to ask this again..... - 12/4/2007 8:17:10 AM

youngpupforBCms

Posts: 49
Joined: 11/17/2007
Status: offline

Ive got a few curiosities about how this went down...the pictures that linked you...where the vanilla in nature? or where they of a pornographic nature. Two where those emails that where used, or actually hand written letters? If they where emails,and the picture where vanilla in nature, your boss really had no grounds to fire you on...because basically you can just deny deny deny deny....till the cows come home. It would have been very plausible that someone below you seeking to move up the corporate ladder, used trickery and more to get ahead, but if it was done that way well it was done poorly and you should have had more of a fighting chance. Also, even if it was pornographic type photos, and hand written letters, your boss really has no grounds to fire you over your personal life as long as your not allowing it to affect your job or how you do it. What he did, is basically grounds for a lawsuit and you could have sued to receive compensation for the rest of the years salary, or possible earnings, while finding another job far far away from the area. So basically I'm just having a hard time understanding why you didnt deny like mad that, that was you, and not someone else's doing for the creation and use of that profile, and even with the end result if you couldnt deny it was you, how you didnt lay a lawsuit down on them for using your personal life as grounds for termination of employement.

(in reply to ShaktiSama)

Post #: 11

RE: I'd like to ask this again..... - 12/4/2007 8:20:33 AM

LadyHibiscus

Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline

I don't ask for a picture up front, but I go to realtime meeting pretty quickly. And I will not go to a realtime meeting unless I have seen a picture. A nice, vanilla face shot. Pictures of a headless body are not good enough.

_____________________________

[page 23 girl]

(in reply to youngpupforBCms)

Post #: 12

RE: I'd like to ask this again..... - 12/4/2007 8:25:46 AM

MystressDream

Posts: 345
Joined: 7/11/2004
From: Colorado
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: ShaktiSama

I agree with RumpusParable. The thing that bit you on the ass in the past was a betrayal of real intimacy, not a casual misuse of a picture by a stranger. It wasn't the picture that did you in, it was explicit letters and a person who knew everything about you--including where you worked and who to send damning evidence to, to get you fired.

Nothing can protect you from a relationship with a psychobitch other than refusing to get involved with psychobitches. (Believe me, anyone who feels the need to involve your boss or other family members in the break-up of a failed DS relationship is a Psychobitch of Biblical Proportion. Or Psychobastard, if dealing with the male of the species.)

If you cannot be "out" about your sexual interests--and many people cannot--post a picture of yourself to your profile which shows your body, but not your face. Unless you have scars or tattoos as identifying marks, this should be sufficient to protect your identity--not too many people with a six-figure income go to work nude or in a tshirt anyway.

When you are trying to establish a relationship with a new woman, if she asks for a picture you're going to have to provide one. She is just as entitled to be safe and informed in her choices as you are, and having a picture to identify you is part of her own personal safety when she meets you in person. Just as you have no way of knowing she is not a Psychobitch Out to Ruin Your Life, she has no way of knowing that you are not a Serial Killer Looking For His Latest Victim.

Sorry, but these things work both ways. It's not a perfect world. You need to avoid Psychobitches, and dommes need to avoid wankers--they also need to avoid abusers, predators, and men who are lying about being married and other things. I seriously doubt that any domme is going to put your insecurities and doubts over her own policies, needs and preferences just because you have trust issues. I know I wouldn't. Although I don't demand a picture before I reply to a single email, I do ask for one if I am interested in meeting with or working with someone. If a man can't trust me with a picture, he probably shouldn't trust me with a pair of handcuffs or a riding crop either!

Very well said. My profile is extensive. Anyone reading it learns a great deal about me. However, they don't learn about my place of employment. I also provide more than one picture.

I am not impressed with a sub who contacts me and not only is their profile blank, but, they won't provide a picture.

The usually start out with, "I am so impressed with what you have to say. You have a wonderful profile and you are a beautiful woman." Then they proceed to tell me that they will NOT send a picture.

If I choose to respond, I will say something like, "It is nice that you liked my profile and pictures. However, with your blank profile, and no pictures provided, there is no reason whatsoever that I should or would be interested in chatting or emailing with you. Good luck with your search."

I especially shake my head when I read the "Don't ask me anything more about myself than I have chosen to share here. I will not tell you more, and I will not provide pictures. But, I will respond to your emails and am willing to relocate." LOLOL

_____________________________

Knowledge and experience are wonderful things to share. When we stop asking questions, we might as well "hang it up".

check out: www.enclaveproductions.com
www.enclavewest.com

(in reply to ShaktiSama)

Post #: 13

RE: I'd like to ask this again..... - 12/4/2007 8:43:26 AM

Argentopal

Posts: 379
Joined: 12/12/2005
From: Central Texas / Hill Country
Status: offline

I admit that I have gone back and forth about this in the past. Argent and I used to have a "vanilla couples" photo on our joint profile. My "Top" profile had no pic, but did say to go to the ao profile to see one. But I took it down and began only to send it to someone after a few initial emials. I will respond to any POLITE message here. Looks are just not that important to me. Neither are age, race, build, hair color, whatever. I have met both males and females after having seen a picture and without having seen a picture. If I (or we) are interested in someone close by a face to face meeting happens soon, and that weeds out the wankers and wanna bes. If long distance a phone call happens soon. I care about the reality of the person and not so much their physical appearance. On the reverse side, I will ask aboutn physical preferrences and turn offs and I am willing to send my picture to someone if they seem genuine. I am BBW and that's not everyone's cuppa tea, so I am happy to let a potential play partner see what I look like up front and get that out of the way. But I do expect two or three emails or a chat or something first so that I am not sending a picture out to every tom, dick and jane on CM. Both Sir and I are fortunately in positions that being "publically or professionally outted" would not make any difference in our lives. Our jobs would not be at risk(mine might be enhanced actually) and our family knows all about us.
MsOpal

_____________________________

He held out His hand and said "Step into the abyss with me."

... and i did.

~Surrender without Fear~
~Power without Guilt~
~Love without Doubt~

(in reply to LadyHibiscus)

Post #: 14

RE: I'd like to ask this again..... - 12/4/2007 8:50:13 AM

thetammyjo

Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline

Part of the problem with being in the closet is that it fuels the negative potentials of what might happen if you are outed.

Not putting a picture on Collarme but sending pictures else does not solve the problem at all -- the person you send them too will still have a copy and if they are an a-hole will still cause problems.

_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to Cissykay1999)

Post #: 15

RE: I'd like to ask this again..... - 12/4/2007 9:05:11 AM

Cissykay1999

Posts: 61
Joined: 10/9/2007
Status: offline

Maybe, no definately, I explained it wrong. What was sent to the CEO of the company was a copy of my profile and picture from collarme. I did contemplate a suit, but since I chose to retire, there is no loss of income. I now do some consulting work from home, and make more money than I did when I was driving, commuting, road raging, cursing, stressing, and all that good stuff. Personally, I wasn't all that upset. There were others at work that knew a little of what my social life consisted of, but my reason for posting this was to let people know that there are legitimate reasons why some people won't use a photo here.

(in reply to youngpupforBCms)

Post #: 16

RE: I'd like to ask this again..... - 12/4/2007 9:16:39 AM

Cissykay1999

Posts: 61
Joined: 10/9/2007
Status: offline

Mystress Dream,
I did contact you a few weeks ago, and I'll confess I used most of those lines. My bad. But, if memory serves, and at my age, it often doesn't, I offered to send you photos if you were interested. Hopefully at some point you'll have a complete nervous breakdown and want to talk to me. (just kidding). As I said, my picture is part of my Yahoo profile, so every time I contact someone they see who I am. If I was confronted with a Yahoo picture, and any conversation attached, I would have told my boss a few things I know he wouldn't want to hear. Everything turned out the best for me. I thank you for your response, and I'll say it on here. You are a beautiful woman, and any sub would be lucky to serve you.

(in reply to MystressDream)

Post #: 17

RE: I'd like to ask this again..... - 12/4/2007 9:34:17 AM

MystressDream

Posts: 345
Joined: 7/11/2004
From: Colorado
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Cissykay1999

Mystress Dream,
I did contact you a few weeks ago, and I'll confess I used most of those lines. My bad. But, if memory serves, and at my age, it often doesn't, I offered to send you photos if you were interested. Hopefully at some point you'll have a complete nervous breakdown and want to talk to me. (just kidding). As I said, my picture is part of my Yahoo profile, so every time I contact someone they see who I am. If I was confronted with a Yahoo picture, and any conversation attached, I would have told my boss a few things I know he wouldn't want to hear. Everything turned out the best for me. I thank you for your response, and I'll say it on here. You are a beautiful woman, and any sub would be lucky to serve you.

Thank you for the compliment. I just reviewed our emails, and no, you didn't offer a picture. You also said that our interests were incompatible, and we could never be more than just friends. <smile> You didn't actually use the lines I posted here, however.

_____________________________

Knowledge and experience are wonderful things to share. When we stop asking questions, we might as well "hang it up".

check out: www.enclaveproductions.com
www.enclavewest.com

(in reply to Cissykay1999)

Post #: 18

RE: I'd like to ask this again..... - 12/4/2007 9:53:48 AM

ownedgirlie

Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: thetammyjo
Not putting a picture on Collarme but sending pictures else does not solve the problem at all -- the person you send them too will still have a copy and if they are an a-hole will still cause problems.

Indeed. I was blackmailed before with a photo I entrusted to someone (via private email). I never much cared to relate to someone who chose not to speak with me because they could not see my face. Perhaps the OP can use this as his own filter...?

(in reply to thetammyjo)

Post #: 19

RE: I'd like to ask this again..... - 12/4/2007 10:33:12 AM

AAkasha

Posts: 4429
Joined: 11/27/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Cissykay1999

Wyked,
Thanks for understanding. It may be a moot point anyway, since I'm getting married next Saturday. Would any domme out there like to be the bride? I'll never give up on any woman that's smart enough to know she's in charge, and men need direction. I've found many fakes (as we all have), but I've also found some very nice people on here. Too bad I haven't found one that thinks I'm worthy of serving her, but who knows. Maybe someday.

You are getting married on Saturday, but still offering up a possible relationship and hoping someday you will find someone to serve? Why on earth are you getting married if you already are looking for something better? Are you saying that you would leave your bride at the altar if a femdom who is your ideal stepped in right now and pursued you?

Akasha

_____________________________

Akasha's Web - All original Femdom content since 1995
Don't email me here, email me at [email protected]

(in reply to Cissykay1999)

Post #: 20

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