RE: Need support

RE: Need support (Full Version)

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SimplyMichael -> RE: Need support (12/4/2007 5:15:44 PM)
quote: Why does being the Domly One excuse him from that, and she's the "bad guy" for being pissed about being let down yet again? People make mistakes, anyone who says they don't is blowing smoke up your ass. The trip was optional, it wasn't like the money he was sending was for her mortgage or some other emergency. Taking this as one incident, she handled it poorly in my opinion. He called an hour later and didn't mention the money and we don't know why he didn't, perhaps he hadn't realized it, perhaps he didn't mention it for some other reason. The important thing is she did not step up to the plate and talk to him and or give him a chance to talk to her about it. quote: His only reply is that he's sorry she's mad, and gee, when he screws up, he really screws up bad. Frankly, not wiring her money doesn't seem like a massive screw up. She was home safe, there was no emergency. Looking at this in isolation it isn't that huge a deal. I haven't been following the multiple threads on this person and hadn't seen her backstory. quote: Frankly, after 18 months of irresponsibility and letdowns, I'd dump his ass, too. While I think you are right that she should dump him, clearly her ability to take care of herself financially and emotionally needs improvement.

TreasureKY -> RE: Need support (12/4/2007 5:18:10 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Najakcharmer quote: ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael Are you a prostitute that you can get pissy if the money doesn't arrive? You can't pull your shit together enough to come up with it but someone he should never have the same issue? It would work the same way regardless of who the dom was and who the sub was, or what gender they were. One person made the promise that he would pay gas expenses, and asked the other person to come, knowing she did not have the money and could not make the trip unless he kept his word. The person who made the promise failed to keep the promise. I don't know what the respective financial situations are here. If he was too broke to come up with gas money, he needed to be honest with her about it before she made her plans, took time off, hired a babysitter, etc. Oh, and the next time you tell a single mom that she doesn't have her shit together because she can't afford to bear all of the expenses for travel on top of paying a babysitter, I sincerely hope that the magic wish fairy turns you into one for a year so that you can get an idea what it's like trying to raise ums, hold a job and have any time, energy or money left over for yourself with no one else's help. [sm=applause.gif]

SimplyMichael -> RE: Need support (12/4/2007 5:19:33 PM)
The most well written post of yours in ages...

MistressGayle -> RE: Need support (12/4/2007 5:26:20 PM)
The trip was SCHEDULED and agreed upon by both parties MUTUALLY! He dropped the ball, AGAIN, and lied about it. Too bad you have to make such a feeble attempt to cover for his lies and disrespect! The important thing is HE LIED! She's now doing an even more important thing which is making a decision, which is why she's here asking for help! Frankly, it's NOT about an emergency or being safe. It's about dependability and being a liar! YES she should dump him! He's a liar and a fake and deceived her! [sm=ofcourse.gif] ALL he had to do was to be upfront and say, well, honey, this isn't working for Me anymore -- for whatever reason -- and move on, instead of leading her on with HIS LIES.

kittensmailbox -> RE: Need support (12/4/2007 5:33:45 PM)
dont you dare ever feel bad about getting angry... i also feel that he should help pay for you to come see him... or maybe he can make the drive...

SimplyMichael -> RE: Need support (12/4/2007 5:34:21 PM)
Gayle, Multiple lies? Deceit? Since clearly you are more experienced than I and my skill cannot match your immense experience can you point out to me where he lied and was deceitful. I can see where he flaked, I can see where he failed but I just don't see where he lied or was deceitful.

Stephann -> RE: Need support (12/4/2007 5:35:14 PM)
ORIGINAL: MistressGayle The criticizm is not justified: He knew a week ago she didn't have the funds and SAID he'd get it to her. He lied. We don't know that he lied. We do know that he took his time sending it, for whatever reason (maybe working 80 hour weeks, maybe he doesn't care.) We do know that she certainly hasn't handled the communication part as well as she could have. She's doing what she should do -- stop and think about it. Not make a snap decision. She's smart. I believe I suggested the same; she's taking her time to think, and that's all well and good. I'll say I'd be pretty irritated if I sent her a couple hundred bucks for gas, only to have her not show up. She does have the money to go see her bf if he continued to adhere to his new agreement. HE changed the agreement and lied about it. It wasn't a new agreement; it's an adjustment for this situation. More importantly, if she needs his money to continue the relationship, it sounds a little lopsided. She's not established on her own, and I would think it unconscionable to as for more money, when she's on the verge of breaking it off with him. She seems to be in the process of "wrapping her head and her heart" around a situation that was mutually created! I would assume that's her reasoning for starting the thread?? The situation she is in is always a situation of her doing; I am in a situation of my own doing. People need to accept responsibility for themselves and their children first and foremost. It's not his fault nor his problem she's poor. If he wishes to help, that's great on him, but it's hardly something she has a right to expect. It is her situation, though. She decides if she's happy (or not happy) with where and how she is. If she doesn't like her situation, she has the power to change it (i.e. move closer to him, or move on to someone else.) So, ultimately, I'm in agreement with Michael; she should probably dump the guy, and work on herself financially and emotionally. Stephan

Najakcharmer -> RE: Need support (12/4/2007 5:36:59 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael Having an issue with a partners pattern is one thing, I was responding to her response to a specific incident. Did she work with him? Did you try and find a solution with him? Did her actions make the problem better? She was upset and needed time to think about his hurtfully broken promise. It would have been better for her to communicate that honestly instead of ignoring his calls. But frankly if I'd left someone high and dry like that, I would expect them to be angry at me and possibly not ready to talk about it yet. quote: So we can berate him for not having money but she gets not just a free ride but gets to stand on a high horse and bitch about it The problem is not that he doesn't have money, but that he broke a promise in a hurtful way. If the problem was money then he could have communicated that honestly ahead of time, before she was left stranded with plans that fell through. If she's doing all the travelling and bearing the expense of hiring a sitter, she is not getting a free ride even if his share of the expenses is gas money. You're right that they both have communication issues though.

MistressGayle -> RE: Need support (12/4/2007 5:54:26 PM)
Najak: quote: I love him, but I don't want to be taken for granted and treated like this any more. My time is valuable too and this was just a blatent disregard for that. Like I said in the other thread, it feels like he doesn't value me much at all. So now she has come to the time to decide; will this continue? do I want to be a part of this? she loves him and is trying to figure it out, and sounds like she's been trying to be patient with him and his self-proclaimed "screw-ups" for some time now.... I wouldn't take his calls either after so much time had passed on this last screwup; I'd have figured he'd just played me... again... So, now she makes her decision. And you are correct in saying that she is indeed not getting a free ride! She has to make sure her UMs are properly cared for, her car is able to make the trip, she can take the time to make the trip, and does the actual driving... SHE is making all the effort -- he is contributing a few coins to get something... It's one-sided... but, she cares for him and is willing to do this to make things work. I don't see the same pattern with him. He's being anything but a dom. They both knew a week ahead of time of the new agreement, and he agreed to do it. He could have backed out at any time, had he had the balls to do it properly. He obviously does not care about her as much as she cares for him, as she tries to do what she can to be there for him. Yes, she needs to communicate to him clearly what her decision will be, and stick with it.

MistressGayle -> RE: Need support (12/4/2007 6:00:17 PM)
She has a right to expect him to do what he said he would do. It is a mutually agreed upon situation. We know that HE, as the alleged "dom" has NOT handled the communication as he should have. It is a new agreement. And for whatever the reason she needs the funds, he supposedly understood this and agreed to make it happen, and he didn't do it. The situation she is in, is of HIS not doing what he said! She was ready to go, packed as agreed.

AquaticSub -> RE: Need support (12/4/2007 6:06:51 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MistressGayle The criticizm is not justified: He knew a week ago she didn't have the funds and SAID he'd get it to her. He lied. Wow... So if anyone forgets to do something they are a lier? Fuck, never be with someone with who has ADHD. I forget bigger shit than this.

SimplyMichael -> RE: Need support (12/4/2007 6:12:56 PM)
I take it that you are now backing away from calling his actions lies? You are right though, the guy sounds like a real putz. However, he isn't here and she is and so my advice is directed towards her. She chose him, she has stayed, and needs to take a hard look at WHY she is in this situation, what actions of hers put her here. We can all hold a pity party for her, tell her what a mean asshole and jerk he is and how wonderful she is. Tomorrow she will hook up with another one and we will more of the same sorts of posts that we see repeated over and over and over and over by women (and men) who cannot see their roles in creating the world they live in. YMMV

ShaktiSama -> RE: Need support (12/4/2007 6:14:27 PM)
[;)] Boydoms sure are defensive. I dunno, seems to me that Our Hero was enjoying a little non-consensual, non-physical sadism in this situation. He knew what he promised, what his girl wanted and needed, and he had raised her expectations. He had the money, knew she would be expecting it. And it seems to me that OP did describe a feeling of painful humiliation? A sense that she was expected to beg for what had already been promised? shrug Some people say that DS relationships require the same courtesy and loving-kindness that other relationships do--I would say that they actually require more. Situations like this one are the reason. I have no advice for the OP. I will say that I understand her refusal to answer the phone, however. When someone has subjected you to an emotionally torturous experience without your consent, it is a natural and healthy response to avoid contact with that person. This man's little "scene" backfired on him, big time. Even if he was only being subconsciously sadistic, this stunt may have lost him a relationship--and deservedly so. Abuse of power is never worth the price. You can dismiss the behavior as "flakey" if you like, but people who actually care for someone don't behave this way.

MistressGayle -> RE: Need support (12/4/2007 6:19:49 PM)
I agree with you 100% ShaktiSama [:)]

windchymes -> RE: Need support (12/4/2007 6:20:55 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael People make mistakes, anyone who says they don't is blowing smoke up your ass. The trip was optional, it wasn't like the money he was sending was for her mortgage or some other emergency. Taking this as one incident, she handled it poorly in my opinion. He called an hour later and didn't mention the money and we don't know why he didn't, perhaps he hadn't realized it, perhaps he didn't mention it for some other reason. The important thing is she did not step up to the plate and talk to him and or give him a chance to talk to her about it. Frankly, not wiring her money doesn't seem like a massive screw up. She was home safe, there was no emergency. Looking at this in isolation it isn't that huge a deal. I haven't been following the multiple threads on this person and hadn't seen her backstory. While I think you are right that she should dump him, clearly her ability to take care of herself financially and emotionally needs improvement. I agree with you that if this was a first time, or an isolated incident, it would be a different story. But since I interpreted her post as her being fed up with his long-time history of this kind of behavior and that she was at that crossroads, I just don't think his being the dominant in the relationship gives him free rein to make promises and then blow them off. If he couldn't or didn't want to send the money, especially in a timely manner, then he shouldn't say he's going to. I agree with the "passive-aggressive" diagnosis, too. It's a form of control. My ex-husband (not a D/s relationship, either) used to play games like that with me all the time.

laurell3 -> RE: Need support (12/4/2007 6:25:43 PM)
This is the same guy that said he couldn't come see her because he didn't want to put miles on his car. I'm kind of doubting money is the real issue.

MistressGayle -> RE: Need support (12/4/2007 6:36:19 PM)
Well.... sounds like she definitely needs to dump him, get her self-esteem back up where it should be, and be more choosey. It's ok for her to put the miles on the family car, but not for him to do any driving? Good grief! She should probably back out and away quickly from Mr. Scrooge, and immerse herself in taking care of herself and her UMs. They're only little once... Let's hope she's learned alot from wasting her time with this loser... It's time for support, compassion and uplifting -- not criticisms and negativity.

SimplyMichael -> RE: Need support (12/4/2007 6:55:51 PM)
quote: I agree with you that if this was a first time, or an isolated incident, it would be a different story. Are people really saying that every time someone does something wrong we get to dump our entire collection of anger over an issue on them? quote: But since I interpreted her post as her being fed up with his long-time history of this kind of behavior and that she was at that crossroads, Being at a crossroads and having an adult discussion about the relationship is a great idea. She wasn't doing that and her post wasn't about that. quote: I just don't think his being the dominant in the relationship gives him free rein to make promises and then blow them off. I don't think anyone is saying it does. We are having a discussion about the severity of what he did, I say, that in isolation, it wasn't a huge deal, others seem to think it was on a par with violating her unconsensually or something. quote: If he couldn't or didn't want to send the money, especially in a timely manner, then he shouldn't say he's going to. I just find it hypocritical that people aren't bothered that she has no money but that he should just be an ATM machine. I agree he could have done a better job of communicating it but her response was childish and immature. If she wants to leave him, she should, if she wants to be in a relationship with him then she should work with him to make it better.

ShaktiSama -> RE: Need support (12/4/2007 7:04:24 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael I just find it hypocritical that people aren't bothered that she has no money but that he should just be an ATM machine. Whew. Talk about issues! If the man didn't want to give OP the money to come and see him--he shouldn't have promised to do so. Once you give your word to your partner about something like this, male or female, you keep it. If you can't keep your word, you do not play cruel "Oops I forgot!" bullshit games. Anyone, male or female, can give someone travel funds without being an "ATM machine". You can also buy another person dinner, a drink, or a gift without feeling victimized or put upon or resentful enough to justify torturing that person emotionally for having less money than you do. Quite honestly, I'm getting a little tired of the repeated posts that you make for no other reason than to promote an ugly stereotype of single mothers as irresponsible or careless. The fact that the OP is a single mother without much money means one thing, to me: yet another man in this world has left a woman and children in poverty. What a surprise.

SimplyMichael -> RE: Need support (12/4/2007 8:32:37 PM)
quote: Whew. Talk about issues! Holds up a mirror... quote: I'm getting a little tired of the repeated posts that you make for no other reason than to promote an ugly stereotype of single mothers as irresponsible or careless. The fact that the OP is a single mother without much money means one thing, to me: yet another man in this world has left a woman and children in poverty. Seems someone has a rather massive issue herself! Can you point to any blanket statement I have ever made on CM to "promote an ugly stereotype of single mothers as irresponsible or careless."? I did say THIS woman was a bit hypocritical to not have the money but bitch when he didn't have it either (since NOBODY knows if money is easy or hard for the man) but that is a FAR cry from calling her irresponsible let alone a blanket indictment of women in general. So, any chance you can show some class and appologize for your ugly and unfounded accusation? quote: The fact that the OP is a single mother without much money means one thing, to me: yet another man in this world has left a woman and children in poverty. What a surprise. While I might agree that is a common cause, perhaps even probable, we have ZERO idea why she is single but it MUST be man's fault! Honey, if I got issues, you got ISSUES!

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