burningdesires47
Posts: 120
Joined: 2/22/2007
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I was abused as a child, when I was 6-8, and raped again at age 20, both by very trusted individuals in my life. My first Domme was trying to train me right around the time I seriously started facing my childhood abuse (at 16/17), when I was still surfacing repressed memories. We parted ways amicably, both agreeing that I was not ready to train until I had healed some.
At 23 I have conquered most of the problems... I don't have flashbacks or panic attacks in general "vanilla" life or dating or sex anymore, but BDSM scenes are still difficult. I've had a few along the way with friends and lovers, but no consistent Doms and never been involved in the community until this year.
I know my triggers, for the most part, though I expect a few surprises once I get more in depth with the play. I have a lot of practice getting thru those moments of panic, and letting myself not feel guilty about them as they happen--but that's almost 8 years of active effort to get to this point, and I've still yet to have an intended scene (versus kinky sex) where I didn't at least hesitate at least once due to my past. I'm finally to the point where I don't have flashbacks at all, but I am occasionally slammed with emotion that seems to come from nowhere.
Being comforted is helpful. NOT being pressed to respond in any way, but being made welcome to as I'm ready is important--it's very difficult to talk sometimes when I'm flooded with emotion and memories, at all, let alone about what I'm feeling. Sometimes talking about it just makes it worse, less therapeutic, not better. Also, it being assumed that the scene will stop and not restart makes it very difficult... sometimes you have to get right back up on the horse or else you just never will. But taking it at her (my) cue is always the best idea... I try to indicate my desire to continue in a way that doesn't put pressure on either of us to make a big deal out of continuing... if that makes any sense. More that it's better for me to slip right back into it rather than give me the opportunity to over-think restarting the scene.
For example... Bondage is a very nerve-wracking trigger for me, but also one of my favorite pleasures--until I have played with one person for a while and can grow more comfortable with them, I require any bondage to have a way for me to get myself out (because if I panic I may not be able to say I need out, or a safe word, or anything at all, which just ends up building the panic. But if I just let myself go, I can usually calm down and get back to it). During a scene, I was cuffed, and panicked, and simply let myself out for a minute... cried for a minute, got myself calmed down, and asked to be re-bound. I was, and the scene continued with little more than a comment about him being proud of me.
Putting too much emphasis, constantly reminding me that I have this reason to be scared, almost makes it harder to deal with. I have to be able to tell myself that this is a part of me no more and no less important than any other part of me.
Of course, there are triggers I may never be able to completely shake. These are the things that even thinking about them makes my heart skip a beat, my throat start to close, and not in a good way.
I suspect the fear of subspace is more the fear of letting her mind wander unbidden--keeping control over the thoughts you let yourself think is certainly an aspect of dealing with the abuse. However, there's a difference between DEALING with it and IGNORING it, and peace comes from the acceptance that there really is an elephant on the coffee table. You acknowledge it, maybe you try to shove it outside, or coax it to go away, but eventually you just move your chair so you can see the TV and toss it some peanuts occasionally.
Now maybe drinking tea with the memories of past abuse isn't the most likely outcome (or even goal), but trusting herself enough to get thru it is difficult--turning the fear and anger and yes even guilt into a weapon or motivation can be downright paralyzing. There is no room for hesitation, and coaxing her will make it harder on her. If you both can consider this her journey, on which you are simply moral support, I think you'll be infinitely more successful.
Be there for her to help her pick up the pieces. Have comfort foods at the ready, warm blankets, good movies, and nothing strenuous or social planned for afterward--she may decide she wants to get out, but the need to withdraw into the quiet of one's own mind to process emotions shouldn't be cut short by social plans and the pressure to be conversational and happy--or anything, if possible. Be ready to make decisions for her if needbe. I feel so stupid being asked questions that should be so simple (Do you want red jello or orange jello? Do you want a blanket? water? nap? movie?) and being overwhelmed by so much information, let alone having to decipher it AND make a decision. Drape her with a blanket--she can always shrug it off. Bring her the jello--if she truly wants the other kind, that's actually a MUCH easier decision to make. The water won't go bad if it sits for her to sip later.
That's the insight and advice I have... hope it can help someone. Also please feel free to ask me questions, I'm pretty open about my experiences, but I avoid getting explicit without prompting because it can be a trigger for others.
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