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MisTabsDratt -> RE: Need Advice (12/6/2007 1:23:23 PM)
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quote:
ORIGINAL: HottLicks
Wow, I actually am saddened by the turn of events here. They are understandable from my view, but very sad. I am really tired, but I have to post again. Please take a few moments... stop... it sounds like emotions are running high and you're going someplace it might be hard to return from.
The deeper you go, the deeper the pain. Sometimes when we get so caught up in the emotions, pain, past and present, it all gets muddled and this is sounding rather muddled.
There have been a lot of GREAT postings on this thread and I have agreed with most everything posted, but this isn't just a situation. Nor a simple one. You didn't get to this place over night and it won't be fixed over night. It will take work and hard work at that to get to where you both are comfortable and then happy. Please don't shut down now. You are actually closer to what you want and need than it might seem.
I am only assuming here, but isn't it when it seems we can go no further, that we start to shut down and give up... when we finally find 'it'? I really think you both are close... just a bit more information, self exploration and understanding found in the wisdom of many on this thread and in yourselves, that will bring the things you need out of this situation and into the place you both can comfortably be.
Don't stop now. Step back maybe... but don't give up. I for one would love to see you evolve. I see a great deal in much of what you say and the situation that tells me there is hope here, if you can only have the patience and love to see it all as worthy of a bit more time.
I very much appreciate your insight and your taking time to reply. My Wife/Mistress and I had a LONG discussion last night. There were a few significant conclusions that I think we came to. When we started down this path some 7 years ago, I was the knowledgable one (not experienced, just well read) and I also had a lot of well developed fetishes and interests. So for a significant chunk of our D/s relationship, while she has been the Domme, I'd been doing a lot of topping from the bottom etc. Now at some point, probably a good couple of years ago, She has come into her own. She mentored with some of the top Male/Female Dommes in our area and has now far surpassed anything I could teach/show her about being a Domme. But as with many relationships, it's hard to change that perception of her being a novice Domme. Just like having a hard time accepting that your kid is now an adult who is knowledgeable and skilled in areas you aren't, you still may see them as a kid. It's hard to let go.
Admittedly, I have not treated her the same way that I would treat an experienced Domme had we just met. And I think inversely, to a certain extent, she does not treat me the same as she treats other perspective sub's that she meets. There is a certain respect, in both directions that people have with someone they meet, as opposed to family etc. You can be grumpy with family, rude with family, and they are still family and in "most" families, they will still always be there. But you do that with friends/acquintances, and that may not always be the case. So there is a certian amount of politeness and consideration/courtesy that has to be there to maintain the relationship. I think that is where we have faltered to a certain extent.
My Wife/Mistress was telling me last night, that when She talks to perspective subs, She informs them up front that they will not be alpha. She is married, and Her husband/sub will always be alpha. So they operate in that mode. They know that they (for lack of a better term) are expendable. So they are on their best behaviour, and She does not take any crap.
I think this is where a lot of our issues come from. She does not see me as expendable and therefore grants me more leniency than she might to a sub coming in the front door. However, that causes me to not see her in the same light as if She were a Domme that I had just met.
So, all that said, the conclusion that we came to in order to not just toss the last 7 years of D/s down the tubes, is to take a step back. Approach each other as if we had never met from a D/s perspective. I would afford Her all the respect and attitude that I would have with a newly introduced experience Domme, and subsequently, She will NOT afford me the "alpha" leniency, but treat me as if She would any new sub that she were considering.
When we met, I was only 21 and She was 29. I had had very few if any serious relationships. She was a divorced single Mom. She mentions frequently, that She got me early and "trained" me into being a pretty darn good husband. And I agree wholeheartedly. What I now hope is that she will take the same approach from the D/s side.
I don't want to be a perfect sub.
I want to be HER perfect sub.
I want Her to train me once more to be HER perfect sub.
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