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RE: I need some advice.... - 12/5/2007 8:29:37 AM   
SimplyMichael


Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline 		Couple of thoughts.

First, you "know" your husband isn't a closet dom but you "know" you are a closet submissive.  Think about that for a second...

Second, take some time to read the boards about all the failed relationships, all the people searching forever for a compatible partner, all the people who can't find love.  You have it all in a partner you love except for this one piece.

Now, think about this, coming out as a submissive woman is not socially all that hard (which is how any vanilla guy sees this).  Coming out as a sadist and an abuser of women IS hard.  Are you sure when you talked to him about this that you made it clear you wanted and needed that?  Did you make it clear it was safe to admit those things? 

I have been doing this for over ten years, I have had a fair amount of casual partners and a few very serious ones.  I get to play in SF and around hard core gay men and lesbians.  It wasn't until I met BSB this year that I have finally felt safe to explore my sadistic side. 

Anyway, just some food for thought.

(in reply to mnottertail)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: I need some advice.... - 12/5/2007 9:18:33 AM   
Stephann


Posts: 4214
Joined: 12/27/2006
From: Portland, OR
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MissSCD

You screwed up if you want to keep your husband.  Since you have already admitted to an affair on a internet site that hosts nearly 60,000 people, you need to really sit down and decide what you want to do next.
If you stay in that marriage, you need to come forward and be a woman instead of lying to him and admit what you did.  Go to counseling if he agrees, and stay the heck out of the lifestyle.
Cheating in a marriage destorys people's identy, morale, heart, family, and everything else. 
I agree.  You cannot have your cake and eat it too.  What you are doing is lying to youself.
 
Regards, MissSCD


For the most part (and I'm likely to be in the minority) I vehemently disagree with most of what SCD's said excepting only the fact that you are, indeed, not admitting everything to yourself (or rather, maybe you are but you refuse to accept what that entails.)

Americans have a hard-on for full confession, believing that it's good for the soul or something.  It's not.  If there's going to be a relationship left with your husband, it likely won't come by handing him the stone around your neck; it's yours, it's your guilt, so you're going to have to learn how to live with yourself (and it.)  Handing it to your husband to wear, will mean every time he touches you, every time he kisses you, every time you both lay there sweaty and cuddling, he'll think about that one (or several) times you did it with someone he's never met.  Every time he touches you, he'll think "someone else did this, and probably better than I do."  If you love this man, then take your guilt to your grave; it's not his job to make you feel better about your transgression.

With that out of the way, you have to make some choices for yourself.  My guess is that you think your marriage is still worth saving, or you'd already have your bags packed (though it does sound like you've got one foot out the door because you're afraid of the mess you're going to leave behind.)  If you take the other foot out, it's likely you're going to be disappointed with yourself for not having tried harder, and you'd be right because you obviously haven't tried hard enough.

You do need to sit and talk to him.  Ron's right; clear your weekend, THIS weekend, and make the man dinner.  Have dinner, and try to have a nice dinner at that, and then pull out the scotch.  Pour both of you a stiff, and then launch into it.  Write a damned essay and hand it to him if you're not sure you can just explain.  Make it good.  Give him half an hour to read it and read it three times.  Tell him how you feel, what you want, and why.  Leave the 'other man' out, but explain the rest; that you've read about it, you've imagined it, that you fantasize about it, that it excites you like nobodies business.  Explain in no uncertain terms that this is something you crave and without it, you're probably not going to find enough satisfaction in your relationship.

Now the ball's in his court.  You give him six months to ramp up to you and at least try.  Sure, he might be trying, but if you think your marriage is worth saving, then you're giving him the opportunity to demonstrate the same.  It probably won't be the D/s relationship you envisioned, but it could very well be the D/s relationship you really enjoy.  If not, then at least you gave it the the hardest push you could and can walk away with your head high, knowing you gave him the best effort you can.  It also will mean the relationship can end peacefully, with both of you feeling like you did your best, rather than having him sobbing in his whiskey for two years wondering what went wrong.

Again, I cannot stress leaving your transgression out enough.  If you explain that you've experimented with someone else already, it will taint everything you two might try again.  You're not going to get that 'fresh start' you need with him; if you really feel that you need to tell him what's happened, you might as well have your bags packed and simply tell him you met someone else, and you're not happy.  Save yourself the frustration and him the pain; don't bother with the D/s talk, if you're not willing to do it in a way that will transform your marriage.  His absolution won't transform your marriage, it'll simply flush it down the toilet.

Good luck.

Stephan


_____________________________

Nosce Te Ipsum

"The blade itself incites to violence" - Homer

Men: Find a Woman here

(in reply to MissSCD)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: I need some advice.... - 12/5/2007 9:53:10 AM   
breatheasone


Posts: 4004
Joined: 7/14/2007
Status: offline
quote:

If you love this man, then take your guilt to your grave; it's not his job to make you feel better about your transgression.




_____________________________

Romans 10:13,For whosoever shall call upon the name of the Lord shall be saved.
Mike posts in black font
candy posts in pink font

(in reply to Stephann)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: I need some advice.... - 12/5/2007 9:55:21 AM   
breatheasone


Posts: 4004
Joined: 7/14/2007
Status: offline
quote:

Again, I cannot stress leaving your transgression out enough. If you explain that you've experimented with someone else already, it will taint everything you two might try again. You're not going to get that 'fresh start' you need with him; if you really feel that you need to tell him what's happened, you might as well have your bags packed and simply tell him you met someone else, and you're not happy. Save yourself the frustration and him the pain; don't bother with the D/s talk, if you're not willing to do it in a way that will transform your marriage. His absolution won't transform your marriage, it'll simply flush it down the toilet.

I REALLY hope the woman who started this thread thinks about this(what I quoted) VERY hard.....


_____________________________

Romans 10:13,For whosoever shall call upon the name of the Lord shall be saved.
Mike posts in black font
candy posts in pink font

(in reply to Stephann)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: I need some advice.... - 12/5/2007 12:13:54 PM   
SayaNereida


Posts: 152
Joined: 7/10/2007
Status: offline
quote:


Americans have a hard-on for full confession, believing that it's good for the soul or something. It's not. If there's going to be a relationship left with your husband, it likely won't come by handing him the stone around your neck; it's yours, it's your guilt, so you're going to have to learn how to live with yourself (and it.) Handing it to your husband to wear, will mean every time he touches you, every time he kisses you, every time you both lay there sweaty and cuddling, he'll think about that one (or several) times you did it with someone he's never met. Every time he touches you, he'll think "someone else did this, and probably better than I do." If you love this man, then take your guilt to your grave; it's not his job to make you feel better about your transgression.

You do need to sit and talk to him. Ron's right; clear your weekend, THIS weekend, and make the man dinner. Have dinner, and try to have a nice dinner at that, and then pull out the scotch. Pour both of you a stiff, and then launch into it. Write a damned essay and hand it to him if you're not sure you can just explain. Make it good. Give him half an hour to read it and read it three times. Tell him how you feel, what you want, and why. Leave the 'other man' out, but explain the rest; that you've read about it, you've imagined it, that you fantasize about it, that it excites you like nobodies business. Explain in no uncertain terms that this is something you crave and without it, you're probably not going to find enough satisfaction in your relationship.

Again, I cannot stress leaving your transgression out enough. If you explain that you've experimented with someone else already, it will taint everything you two might try again. You're not going to get that 'fresh start' you need with him; if you really feel that you need to tell him what's happened, you might as well have your bags packed and simply tell him you met someone else, and you're not happy. Save yourself the frustration and him the pain; don't bother with the D/s talk, if you're not willing to do it in a way that will transform your marriage. His absolution won't transform your marriage, it'll simply flush it down the toilet.

Good luck.

Stephan


I absolutely agree with Stephan!

IF you love your husband, whether you choose to stay with him or not, you owe him the truth about YOU not what you have done.  Do NOT tell him about the other man. 

Talk to him, tell him about your desires, wants and needs and then LISTEN and hear what he tells you are his.

People change through their entire lives, as partners, be willing to admit and discuss those changes and how they effect/affect your relationship.  IF you are and have been a 'closet submissive' that he doesn't know, it is POSSIBLE he is a 'closet Dom' and unwilling to share that with you as well.  How would you want him to tell you?

My added 10 cents is, when you do speak to your husband about your desires, do not phrase it in terms of what HE isn't giving or fulfilling in you.

Good Luck,
Saya

(in reply to Stephann)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: I need some advice.... - 12/5/2007 12:59:12 PM   
Tigrita


Posts: 484
Joined: 8/16/2007
From: California
Status: offline
quote:

make the man dinner.  Have dinner, and try to have a nice dinner at that, and then pull out the scotch.  Pour both of you a stiff, and then launch into it.  Write a damned essay and hand it to him if you're not sure you can just explain.  Make it good.  Give him half an hour to read it and read it three times. 


Yeah, Charlotte and I learned the 'cook dinner first' for sure =)

I think this really excellent advice, especially to not drag the adultery into the equation, and to put your feelings down in writing so they are as clear, complete, and concrete as possible.  To me, spoken words are so weak and ephemeral and never do the job for me.

Another point to think about:  would you be considering leaving your husband if it weren't for the affair with this specific man?  Leaving because you aren't satisfied and know you never can be with him is one thing, but leaving for the promise of a new adventure romance with a person you don't really know, and honestly probably will not last long... that is another matter.  I'd suggest that if you do leave your husband, don't take up with this new man, give yourself time to get yourself together and sort out your needs.  Does that sound as appealing?  If not, then I think you may be pulling away for the wrong reasons. 

Best of luck to you.

~ J




_____________________________

~ Tigrita

There is no right path, only the path you take.

Success is making life happen, versus just letting life happen to you.

"Many of the things I enjoy, I enjoy because I don't enjoy them." - Charlotte

(in reply to SayaNereida)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: I need some advice.... - 12/5/2007 1:15:35 PM   
LittleWench


Posts: 265
Joined: 11/27/2007
Status: offline
quote:

If you love this man, then take your guilt to your grave; it's not his job to make you feel better about your transgression.




In the two years I have been browsing CM forums that post is the most profound, most insightful I have ever read.  Thank you Stephann.

Every single time a man has cheated on me and come crawling to me on his belly admitting his crime begging my forgiveness I have wanted to spit on him.  It doesnt take courage to confess, it takes courage to live with your own guilt, to look in the mirror and see someone who can and did make a mistake but can live with the consequences of that.  Recognize that by asking their absolution you could be scarring them for a very long time, and Stephann is right, you are tainting the canvas and making it impossible for anything new and wonderful to be drawn upon it.  A marriage isn't church, you don't get to go and do whatever you want only to come back to confessional and receive absolution.

SimplyMichael is also correct when he comments on how hard it can be for a man to acknowledge and admit that he has sadistic tendencies.  He deserves a chance.  He may just suprise you... I had that talk with my partner and he continues to surpise me every day, with his inventiveness, with his immersion and willingness to incorporate this lifestyle into our every day.

(in reply to Stephann)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: I need some advice.... - 12/5/2007 1:22:00 PM   
Maya2001


Posts: 1656
Joined: 8/22/2007
From: Woodstock ONT,CANADA
Status: offline 		Four essentials vital to any D/s interaction, from a casual scene to an ongoing 24/7 relationship; are honesty, communication, respect, and trust. These elements are not one-sided; all must go both ways for safe, sane, and consensual play.

All 4 of the essentials were broken in regards to your husband when you stepped outside you marriage to play, by both yourself and the person you choose to play with(assuming he knows you are married)  not really a good way to start a new relationship either, when built upon by lies,disrepect and deceit,  in the end  you may be left with some memories of an  ex-husband and  an  ex -dom and hopefully the memories of the  sex in the end  was worth the losses



_____________________________

Lead me not into temptation - I can find the way myself

(in reply to mnottertail)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: I need some advice.... - 12/5/2007 2:03:31 PM   
ViceVersa


Posts: 137
Joined: 11/29/2005
Status: offline 		Hi Moghedien,

1) I wouldn't tell your husband about the one night stand. It's easy to be "honorable" and come clean, but doing so just relieves your guilt at his expense, making him miserable and killing whatever trust and chance you may have. I can also imagine that it might be tempting to tell him just so he'll leave you and give you an easy way out.

2) Figure out whether kink is your sexual orientation or just something you want to dabble in or spice up your sex life with. To me, that depends on your answers to:
--Would I give up love for kink? (If Yes, Sexual Orientation)
--Would I give up kink for love? (If Yes, Dabble and Spice)
Of course, figuring that out in a vacuum is well nigh impossible, so your husband needs to be involved (if he's willing) in helping you figure this out. Knowing the answer will tell you what you need out of your husband and help your husband be clearer about what he has to give. It's hard to speak frankly about sexual matters and needs, but if you're going to do it with anyone, it might as well be your husband.

3) If you want to work on your marriage, no more affairs, one stands, online relationships, etc. If it happens again, you owe it to him to divorce him and move on.

4) You may still have to move on because your orientations are incompatible.

5) Of course, if there was a chance of std, get tested and inform your partner, if necessary.

Vice

(in reply to mnottertail)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: I need some advice.... - 12/5/2007 3:03:41 PM   
Sabella


Posts: 265
Joined: 7/26/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Moghedien

This is my first post, and I thank you all for the education I've gotten from reading all of yours while lurking silently in your forum. ;) I am 27, I've been married for 7 years.  I've always felt something was missing, while I love my husband, and consider him my best friend, the passion and satisfaction I needed hasn't been there.
I think on some level, I've always known about my submissive nature, mostly because of the things that have always turned me on, and the things I've thought about. I recently met someone on an online game, of all places, and something he said led me to question him about the BDSM lifestyle. We talked, about that, about other things, about life in general. I finally admitted that I had feelings for him, in every way possible. We made arrangments to meet, and did, the weekend after Thanksgiving, which gave me my first submissive experience. I don't think I really knew until then how much I needed it. It left me confused, and wanting more, and totally in love, in every way possible.
So my question is this....is there a chance that I should give that up, and stay, and try to make my life work with a husband who I love, but knowing he'll never be what I need? Because I think that if he can't be what I need, he deserves someone who gets that from him. And that would mean giving up this new man who does give me that.  Either way is going to hurt like hell.
Stephann absolutely nailed it the only thing I could possibly add is a question to to: Your husband is your best friend? If you can't talk this thru with your husband what makes you think any relationship will be successful if you are unable to express your desires? By sneaking around you've not even given him a CHANCE to help or join you in this new area. Even if the results aren't optimally what you want right this minute, the beauty of a long relationship is that things DO change, if you give it time and you both work on your #1 goal - being true to yourself and each other.

Don't forget the old saying of "7 year itch" Get used to it. You both married young, made some mistakes that didn't work out but you stuck it out. Stick it out again and give him the chance grow with you.


_____________________________

“The giant Grof was hit in one eye by a stone,
and that eye turned inward so that it looked into his mind and he died of what he saw there.”
From The Forgotten Beasts of Eld, by Patricia A. McKillip

(in reply to Moghedien)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: I need some advice.... - 12/5/2007 3:26:24 PM   
ctrlaltdelete


Posts: 284
Joined: 11/6/2007
Status: offline 		Ideally, the part where you talk to your husband comes before you ride on another man's plow  - but seeing that you guys already had an open dynamic with your befriended couple and that your hubby decided to make it an extra-marital one-on-one with the other woman, his sense of fidelity and appreciation of sanctity of marriage don't seem to be sitting on a high pedistal in the first place.

So, since Humpty Dumpty seems to have fallen off a few walls already (and now is bathing with Clorox feeling more like cumpty dumpty) - don't worry about spilled milk.

The most liberating thing in the long run, and traumatizing in the immediacy of the moment, that my ex-wife (in a vanilla life in a Galaxy far far away) ever did to me was to gangbang the three personal trainers after hours at our local gym. My then vanilla existence and world came crashing down around me - me, the recovering Roman Catholic who believed in total sanctity of marriage and monogamy.

Once that shell shock was gone (as was her cellulitic white ass), it became the single most liberating event of my life that allowed me to quit denying who and what I really was and to finally pursue a happiness that I had previously denied myself.

Bottome line - let the man know what happened. If nothing, he as your best and closest friend is owed that honesty by you as his friend. Maybe it can shake things awake, peel away the pretenses of a life in which you are both unhappy, and show you two if you have a foundation that is worth building on and keeping. And if not, at least you opened the door for both of you to move on with your lives into different directions and towards people that can give both of you ultimate happiness.

_____________________________

The opinions expressed in my posts are strictly mine and do not seek to imply that my personal beliefs are representative of those of ANY other individual(s). Should these opinions hurt your little feelers, you are free and welcome to stop reading them.

(in reply to Moghedien)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: I need some advice.... - 12/5/2007 3:28:30 PM   
slavemaia


Posts: 395
Joined: 8/26/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Moghedien

This is my first post, and I thank you all for the education I've gotten from reading all of yours while lurking silently in your forum. ;) I am 27, I've been married for 7 years.  I've always felt something was missing, while I love my husband, and consider him my best friend, the passion and satisfaction I needed hasn't been there.
I think on some level, I've always known about my submissive nature, mostly because of the things that have always turned me on, and the things I've thought about. I recently met someone on an online game, of all places, and something he said led me to question him about the BDSM lifestyle. We talked, about that, about other things, about life in general. I finally admitted that I had feelings for him, in every way possible. We made arrangments to meet, and did, the weekend after Thanksgiving, which gave me my first submissive experience. I don't think I really knew until then how much I needed it. It left me confused, and wanting more, and totally in love, in every way possible.
So my question is this....is there a chance that I should give that up, and stay, and try to make my life work with a husband who I love, but knowing he'll never be what I need? Because I think that if he can't be what I need, he deserves someone who gets that from him. And that would mean giving up this new man who does give me that.  Either way is going to hurt like hell.


UNFUCKINGBELIEVABLE! So this is what you call love??? Glad i'm not married to you. The passion and satisfaction isn't there? After 7 years? Give me a break. You love your husband? No you don't. You have no clue what love is if you think it's all about YOUR passion and satisfaction. What you're feeling is a form of lust, not love. Geesh. Sorry, i have no empathy for your situation - except for your husband.

_____________________________


She reaches up, not for the apple, but for what causes it to be there.
slave to love - - Chairman's maia

(in reply to Moghedien)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: I need some advice.... - 12/5/2007 4:46:45 PM   
CelticPrince


Posts: 3613
Joined: 4/15/2005
Status: offline 		Mog,

I can tell you this, your in a lifeboat with hundreds of others. I tend to do alot of mentoring and the situation that you describe is almost identical to many.

Stumbling upon the D/s in various ways as a outlet to a boring marriage to a person that you love and who loves you back.

So often it is an outlet that after time passes when the "newly awoken" fem finds herself breathless with desire for more. Many do not take that first step with a real time encounter as fast as you did and prefer to live with on line interactions. Often those that do find that the path is really not for them and refocus on their marriage.

For your situation, I would suggest that you stay way from real time until your certain this is not just a passing thang.

CP

(in reply to Moghedien)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: I need some advice.... - 12/6/2007 12:04:27 AM   
LittleWench


Posts: 265
Joined: 11/27/2007
Status: offline
quote:

UNFUCKINGBELIEVABLE! So this is what you call love??? Glad i'm not married to you.


Wow I can only say I am grateful I have friends are a lot more compassionate and understanding of my humanity, my frailty and my mistakes than this, and some of the other posts in response to the OP, friends who can look at my life and perhaps not agree with my choices, but certainly not condemn me and roast me for my mistakes. 

My M and I spoke a lot about this post today, about fidelity, about love, loyalty.  .

He believes, even if he was on the receiving end of such hurtful news, he has the right to know.  He has the right to make a choice about the relationship as a fully informed participant in the relationship.  He told me that if I make the choice to be unfaithful and then make the decisioin to take the knowledge of that infidelity to the grave I am robbing him of the information he needs to make the decision whether or not he wishes to remain in the relationship.  He believes he is entitled to know the truth about who he is in a relationship with, and make his own decisions.  If that meant walking out, then that was a consequence I had to live with.

He brought me to tears when he said to me one day that when he stood in front of the pearly gates, if God himself looked down upon him and said "you know man, she screwed around on you", he wanted to be able to look God in the eyes and say "Yeah I know, she told me, and I loved her anyway".

(in reply to slavemaia)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: I need some advice.... - 12/6/2007 12:34:03 AM   
GoddessMine


Posts: 250
Joined: 9/27/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LittleWench

quote:

UNFUCKINGBELIEVABLE! So this is what you call love??? Glad i'm not married to you.


Wow I can only say I am grateful I have friends are a lot more compassionate and understanding of my humanity, my frailty and my mistakes than this, and some of the other posts in response to the OP, friends who can look at my life and perhaps not agree with my choices, but certainly not condemn me and roast me for my mistakes. 

My M and I spoke a lot about this post today, about fidelity, about love, loyalty.  .

He believes, even if he was on the receiving end of such hurtful news, he has the right to know.  He has the right to make a choice about the relationship as a fully informed participant in the relationship.  He told me that if I make the choice to be unfaithful and then make the decisioin to take the knowledge of that infidelity to the grave I am robbing him of the information he needs to make the decision whether or not he wishes to remain in the relationship.  He believes he is entitled to know the truth about who he is in a relationship with, and make his own decisions.  If that meant walking out, then that was a consequence I had to live with.

He brought me to tears when he said to me one day that when he stood in front of the pearly gates, if God himself looked down upon him and said "you know man, she screwed around on you", he wanted to be able to look God in the eyes and say "Yeah I know, she told me, and I loved her anyway".



I completely agree. I'd want to know if My boy cheated on Me, despite if it beneficially relieved him of his guilt.

Love,
GM 

_____________________________

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(in reply to LittleWench)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: I need some advice.... - 12/6/2007 12:35:04 AM   
MaamJay


Posts: 2101
Joined: 9/2/2005
Status: offline 		OK, she hasn't denied it when it was bluntly mentioned in subsequent posts, but I just love how all of you assumed she had SEX with the Dom. It simply says she had her first submissive experience ... that doesn't have to be sex! For all we know she could have just had her first spanking, or bondage or just being told to do chores!!

While I am usually for honesty, I can also see a lot of sense in what Stephan wrote. I think there is a time and a place for honesty and I'm not sure NOW is the right time for this particular bit of honesty IF you are going to try to interest hubby in bdsm. It's not as if sexual fidelity was already present in the marriage ... and keeping score in a tit-for-tat manner (he mucked up with the woman in the couple, she mucked up with the Dom) isn't really going to be productive. So in this case, I would shelve that part of the story for now, though by omission rather than telling a direct lie. So, let's say you sit hubby down for the big clear talk, you say that yes, you subbed a bit to someone (and describe some of the other activities) ... as long as hubby doesn't directly ask "did you fuck him?" then it's probably best avoided at this time. The emphasis should be on educating hubby as to what this is all about, and then give him some reading material or websites to check out that he can look through at his leisure. You said you thought he was a sub too and if you could only be his Domme? Well, some people do both you know, they switch. Perhaps it would be possible for you both to switch so both get a chance to top and bottom. Would at least be worth trying out. As Michael says, it's hard to come out of the closet as a sadist, so even if he's had such thoughts they've probably been well repressed. Give him a chance to see that real people do this sort of stuff. And I would recommend finding a munch in your area and both of you attending so you get to meet some real folks. It could be, that if you both agree to step out and try this out, that it will work in which case, there may come a time when revealing your indiscretion is appropriate and less damaging to both of you than it's likely to be now. If you and hubby don't work out in a D/s sense, then at least you've both given it a try ... and you'll have had a bit more time to wear off from the subbie fever and gain a clearer perspective on what you want. Don't pin all your hopes on the Dom unless you KNOW His situation and that He is 100% keen!

Maam Jay aka violet[A]


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Life is a song ... and I love singing it! (By me!)

(in reply to LittleWench)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: I need some advice.... - 12/6/2007 12:41:15 AM   
GoddessMine


Posts: 250
Joined: 9/27/2007
Status: offline 		Hmmm...it's a tricky area, but I'd personally consider it cheating if My boy just dabbled into non-sexual sessioning because it's intimate anyway. Being told what to do or getting spanked - either involve personal contact, verbal, physical, or both.

Love,
GM

_____________________________

Pleasure of the Text? Pleasure of the Goddess, more like it.

(in reply to MaamJay)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: I need some advice.... - 12/6/2007 3:10:35 AM   
Moghedien


Posts: 8
Joined: 12/1/2007
Status: offline 		 Well, so I posted this last night, and this is the first chance I've had to check the responses. Thank you all for replying. :) Now it seems I need to clarify a few things.
First, someone asked if I had considered leaving before this happened. The answer is yes; I've thought about it for quite some time. And not because, as someone said, "I'm only thinking of  my needs". In a way, I am...but in my opinion, something everyone needs from a relationship is to satisfy their partner in every way possible. So by being unhappy, I'm not being fair to him. I think everyone deserves a chance to be with someone who's crazy about them. Another reason I had thought of it so much before is a total lack of trust on both our parts...and yes, I know that's hypocrytical of me at this point. But the couple I mentioned before was not the first time we had cheating issues. We talked them out, we got through it, but I think a relationship can only take so many hits. 
Another thing I'd like to point out...I did not "meet someone else for sex". I met someone who I'd been talking to, not just about sex, but about everything, for quite a long time. We talked, we went to a movie, we watched football, we enjoyed each other's company. Though probably not the best decision, anything sexual that happened later was not planned (I won't deny, however, that I had considered the possibility of it happening), and I don't consider it a sordid one night stand. But I do know that the fact that I went, knowing that possibility existed....and was probably likely, shows that I may have given up already. I hadn't thought of that, and those of you who said I'm not being honest with myself are probably right.
So what I've gotten that I really think is the best idea is a real conversation, with complete honesty about myself, but probably not my actions. I think the reason I haven't yet is just pure cowardice; it's going to be hard to do, and even harder to see him hurt. Because I DO know what love is. I just also know that love isn't always black and white.

< Message edited by Moghedien -- 12/6/2007 3:12:25 AM >

(in reply to SimplyMichael)
Profile   Post #: 38
RE: I need some advice.... - 12/6/2007 4:22:33 AM   
Dari


Posts: 192
Joined: 10/8/2007
Status: offline
quote:

I just also know that love isn't always black and white.


"Love is not love that alters when it alteration finds."

Love is incredibly black and white.  You love someone, or you don't.  The only time shades of gray come into the picture are when you're talking about the manner in which you express such love.  You sound like you may love your husband (though it also sounds like you're not in love with him now), but you're too weak-willed to make the correct decision about what should be done.  You're wallowing in wishy-washy because you're too cowardly to do the right thing.

And understand - I'm not telling you here what "the right thing" is - but whatever it is for you two, taking into consideration all that has gone between you, and both of your feelings - you're not acting in accordance with what that is, or you wouldn't be here talking to us, you'd be talking to your husband and figuring out what should come next for both of you.




(in reply to Moghedien)
Profile   Post #: 39
RE: I need some advice.... - 12/7/2007 4:05:09 AM   
Moghedien


Posts: 8
Joined: 12/1/2007
Status: offline 		 Also...I just wanted to say that at first, on reading my responses to this, I actually got pretty upset....I think partly because some of you really made me face some things I don't like about myself, and partly because of the way some of it was phrased. Then  I started reading around a bit more...and I realized that a lot of it is just brutal honesty, I saw the same kind of responses to a lot of different threads. So I just want to mention that I really do appreciate all of the replies I've gotten....I don't think I've ever had an outlet that was so unforgivingly honest and knowledgable. 

(in reply to Dari)
Profile   Post #: 40
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