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RE: I need some advice.... - 12/7/2007 8:09:10 AM

Stephann

Posts: 4214
Joined: 12/27/2006
From: Portland, OR
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: GoddessMine

Hmmm...it's a tricky area, but I'd personally consider it cheating if My boy just dabbled into non-sexual sessioning because it's intimate anyway. Being told what to do or getting spanked - either involve personal contact, verbal, physical, or both.

Love,
GM

Yep, I'd consider it cheating; while not necessarily directly sexual, it's intimate enough to cross the boundaries that are normally in place with vanilla relationships.

Also, certainly there are going to be 'other halfs' that would want to know about infidelity. I have a pretty bizzare double standard; I advise that someone, when either truly repentant or both feet out the door, shouldn't discuss their infidelity to their partner because it makes reconciliation near impossible, and it makes the breakup twice as deadly. Yet, if anyone I was involved with cheated, I'd certainly expect to know about it. I say that, because I've been cheated on, and I know it honestly doesn't hurt me the way most people are hurt by it. On the other hand, my relationships are open; I've learned a while ago that strict monogamy is very difficult for me. I think most infidelity (and this case seems to be a good example) is the result of a 'grass is greener' mentality. It's easier to fantasize about a different person or situation when you don't have permission to explore it. Once you do, you realize grass is grass wherever you go. I've had sexual encounters outside of a relationship, and found that not only was it disappointing, but that it reminded me of just how good of a lover my primary was.

Regards,

Stephan

_____________________________

Nosce Te Ipsum

"The blade itself incites to violence" - Homer

Men: Find a Woman here

(in reply to GoddessMine)

Post #: 41

RE: I need some advice.... - 12/7/2007 1:36:52 PM

SirJohnMandevill

Posts: 546
Joined: 11/10/2005
Status: offline

While some other posters have focused on the "confess or don't confess" aspect, I'll ask: "What's really going to make you happy?"

Speaking from a couple more decades experience than you have, I'd suggest that your first in-person D/s encounter may not yet be your defining moment. Take your time and figure out if this man is really the one you want to love trulymadlydeeply in a long-term D/s relationship. Remember, it's not just an adventure -- it's a job. (Apologies to the U.S. Navy)

Les (Purveyor of Fine, Handcrafted Kink)

_____________________________

Iam an eroticist
I am a fully eroticized being
No more neuroses
I found my strip naked soul soup
With the deviant ingredient
---The B-52s

(in reply to Moghedien)

Post #: 42

RE: I need some advice.... - 12/7/2007 2:13:13 PM

MasterFireMaam

Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline

1) Have you even talked to your husband about it? Sometimes, people find that their mates are willing to explore.

2) If you love your husband, think of how much it would hurt him if he found that you were potentially cheating on him.

3) If you are unfulfilled in a relationship, it's my opinion that you owe it to yourself and your partner to simply get out. Staying in hell because you know all the street names isn't a healthy way to live.

Master Fire

_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
-----
Ms Relationship Books
-----
BDSM How-To Books

(in reply to Moghedien)

Post #: 43

RE: I need some advice.... - 12/7/2007 2:14:35 PM

Stephann

Posts: 4214
Joined: 12/27/2006
From: Portland, OR
Status: offline

quote:

Staying in hell because you know all the street names isn't a healthy way to live.

Master Fire

That's great

Mind if I quote you?

Stephan

< Message edited by Stephann -- 12/7/2007 2:29:02 PM >

_____________________________

Nosce Te Ipsum

"The blade itself incites to violence" - Homer

Men: Find a Woman here

(in reply to MasterFireMaam)

Post #: 44

RE: I need some advice.... - 12/7/2007 10:17:41 PM

MasterFireMaam

Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Stephann
That's great

Mind if I quote you?

Stephan

Feel free, although it's not original to me. I heard it from my very first submissive. he shared it as an explanation of why he was staying in a miserable place in his life. he has since moved on and, last time we chatted, is very happy. he likes not knowing all the street names now. I've shared it in a lot of places...even group therapy way back when. The therapists loved it so much, they put it on the wall. LOL

Master Fire

< Message edited by MasterFireMaam -- 12/7/2007 10:19:11 PM >

_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
-----
Ms Relationship Books
-----
BDSM How-To Books

(in reply to Stephann)

Post #: 45

RE: I need some advice.... - 12/8/2007 12:41:05 PM

robertolapiedra

Posts: 520
Joined: 5/3/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Moghedien

So my question is this....is there a chance that I should give that up, and stay, and try to make my life work with a husband who I love, but knowing he'll never be what I need? Because I think that if he can't be what I need, he deserves someone who gets that from him. And that would mean giving up this new man who does give me that. Either way is going to hurt like hell.

Hello Moghedien. I will try to be helpful and not throw morality at you. You have discovered yourself to be "submissive" and stuck in a vanilla relationship that will not satisfy those "needs"?

In my opinion a submissive wife is obedient, faithful, loyal, honest and forthcoming. I will never be dominant to a submissive person who has been unfaithful, disloyal, dishonest and not forthcoming with the truth with her last partner if I know about it. As this behaviour in your case is in the present , I would not even consider meeting you as a dominant in a submissive light. That's me. I like "submissives" who have discipline and can control themselves in serious situations, like in longterm commitment.

Your present longterm relationship does not have a chance. Your affair is based on what? Submissive desires? or are they based on obtaining submissive sexual gratification ("kink")?

If this thing is not "all about you" and there is some importance attached to what kind of people you are involved with, I think you should consider this: What kind of "dominant" accepts this kind of behaviour from his submissive? Is your present sex partner dominating his submissive or is he blissfully fucking around in "dominant" style with someone's non submissive wife?

Vanillas have affairs. BDSM aficionados have affairs also. You are having an affair. Don't use the "submissive need not fulfilled thinghie" to justify having your cake and eating it. Just accept that your present behaviour is what you are (or what you are becoming?) , or change it. You cannot "be" a faithful wife of seven years and some other's so called dominant's "obedient, faithful, loyal, honest and forthcoming submissive" at the same time (although some dominants really like "dominating" a submissive's orifices and would not care much for the rest of the submissive's "needs").

My guess is that you know this already. Sorry if I do not validate that type of behaviour. My kink is straight in the eye submissive honesty, "mind, heart, body and soul". To get it, I use straight in the eye dominant honesty.

If you are submissive, submit. You can choose the one you submit to, but you cannot submit parts of you to "compatible" parts of others. That's a recipe for hurting people, including yourself. RL.

RL

(in reply to Moghedien)

Post #: 46

RE: I need some advice.... - 12/8/2007 1:52:03 PM

ThinkingKitten

Posts: 447
Joined: 6/15/2006
From: Ontari-ari-o
Status: offline

Fools rush in where angels fear to tread. Think long and hard about this. There's been a lot of good advice in this thread - you need to go through it all piece by piece, and remember it was only one encounter with this guy. The grass always looks greener on the other side.

Until you sit down and put all this on the table for your husband to see you're stuck. Or you don't put it on the table, but walk away, tough as it may be. So your husband isn't the Dom type. What if he's actually a sub type, but afraid to admit it (even moreso if he thinks you're sub too)? If you don't talk, you'll never know. You say you tried an open relationship with another couple - friends, but it went sour. What about a swinging club - and keep friends out of it? I see a lot of Dom's on here who have swinging as an interest in their profile. You simply present yourselves as a sub couple (if your hubby has that bent). Find the swinging Dom couple.

Few people know themselves at 20 years of age. They're still in college wondering if they're taking the right courses. Don't beat yourself up too much if you make these discoveries - its all part of maturation. Its just a matter of what you do with the new-found knowledge.

_____________________________

Thinking Kitten

If you can't stand the heat... tell the chef to get out of the kitchen.

(in reply to Moghedien)

Post #: 47

RE: I need some advice.... - 12/8/2007 2:34:31 PM

NightWindWhisper

Posts: 143
Joined: 5/28/2006
Status: offline

Good comments about sub frenzy--of course there is dom frenzy, but that is so on-going that nobody writes about it...

You've a problem--you have identifed, and have now experienced certain deep-felt needs.

But it is, in my opinion, verboten to jump from one significant relationship to another. It's what I call the second-branch, or monkey theory, and may or may not really apply--and if it doesn't that's good. But it's a fact that monkeys (the tree swinging variety) despise being on the ground. They will do anything to keep off the ground--and will never let go (so they say--ya, I know--monkeys leap but still....) of one branch unless they have their second hand firmly on another branch (or in the case of leaping--see a solid target).

If something is missing, and I'm going to ignore the "I love him." Yes, love--but no longer lust...an important part of a long term relationship, deal with it. Like: "...ya know--I've got a problem--you just don't meet my needs, can we talk about it--and be open and honest?" If you do love him, you owe him honesty and communication (again--in my estimation, others do not need to agree). We don't know a lot about you but lovingdd[d*t]blogspot or takenInHand, both with the normal internet suffix [d*t c*m] will give him a "gentle" and somewhat culturally "soft" introduction. He may get horny reading it....but, a lot hinges on the question--if he did become dominant--would that be enough?

If not--you're marriage is doomed, at least on the lust level. But consider that you are in "need." And this new guy--what do you know of him? As someone said: If he is married--he will not likely leave her for you--statistically true. Is he married? Or does he "say he is single?" If so--do you have his home phone, listed in the phone book, with a real address, with permission to "call anytime?" If not--and do not fall for the "I only have a cell phone," or "I'm always at work..." then in a word--he's married. And have you gotten some "references" preferably females--and talked, and I mean talked--for it is easy for him to be SuzyQxxx impersonating a female in writing--but much harder on the telly, and almost impossible in person. If the guy is worth something--he will share friends, d/s or not, and be open about it. There are many, many "doms" who play the hook and dump routine and then run back to their (sometimes dominant wife, or if not dominant--the real breadwinner for the family.

Consider also--in my state: NH. Having kids and being kinky is not useful in child custody. In the neighboring state of MA--it is quite useful. If you have children, and want to keep them--be careful. In MA prove that your hubbie or wife is into really nastily perceived stuff-and you may well lose custody.

If hubby no longer makes the grade (and this happens often--I belive that latently submissive women often pick passive mates early in life, but don't know why--and later it catches up with them and *poof*). Especially if there are children involved--do a trial separation. It will be difficult and painful at any rate--but dishonesty usually pays back the same or worse level of pain--along with anger--and anger is a poison for all around, especially for kids.

Keep in mind too, the new guy--he has no baggage--no complaints, is always on good behavior and seems wonderful. While you know too much about hubbie...but, and it's a big but....Will this guy's behavior be sustained--is there baggage that you don't know about? I had a partner once, years ago who seemed to have it all--nice house, good job--huge 401k (talking only economically here) when in fact--many months later I threatened to leave the relationship because something fishy was going on. What I found out is that there was no 401k, and this person by todays dollars had squandered about $450,000 in living way beyond her needs. I really didn't care--but it illustrtates that truth is not always forthcoming. I often hear--and look at places like match.com, or craiglist where one sees: "Must have car, good job, and not live with parents." And we're talking about 30-45 year old guys...it is eerily common. You may be thinking and acting with your heart--but it is best to act in concert with your mind. (a skeptical mind is good too--trust needs to be earned over time.)

You will figure it out... we always do what we feel is best for ourselves... follow your heart, but act with your head. (I think that the Yiddish word for "fool" translates to "heart before head," or so I was once told--I always thought that was neat. Good luck....

(in reply to mnottertail)

Post #: 48

RE: I need some advice.... - 12/8/2007 2:43:08 PM

domiguy

Posts: 12952
Joined: 5/2/2006
Status: offline

Because I am a humanitarian, I will give you the advice the will benefit the greater good.

Don't listen to these idiots!!!

You keep on pursuing where your interests lie...You are not betraying your husband as much as you would be betraying your own needs and desires.

In the meantime I think there will be plenty of guys who will benefit from the rump ride and your blowjob; You will be sating the needs of so many others...You are a selfless angel, doing the work of God if he were a guiltless whore.

I wish you well.

_____________________________

(in reply to NightWindWhisper)

Post #: 49

RE: I need some advice.... - 12/18/2007 6:41:09 AM

cindybee

Posts: 12
Joined: 12/17/2007
Status: offline

I agree that she wants to tell her hsuband to satisfy her needs not out repect for his.

However is she had unprotected sex with the other guy she needs to tell her husband so he can get tested.

cindy

(in reply to Stephann)

Post #: 50

RE: I need some advice.... - 12/18/2007 10:06:12 AM

SailingBum

Posts: 3225
Joined: 12/10/2007
From: Sailin the stormy sea
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Moghedien

I haven't actually sat down and talked to him, no. I've brought it up in ways that let me know where he stands without coming right out and asking, and while he may be open to the idea, it isn't actually who he is, and I think he would always be trying. That isn't fair to him, nor is it what I need.
I would LOVE to have my cake and eat it too. lol But I don't think I can, in this situation. The idea of an open relationship is appealing, and I understand that it works for a lot of people. I don't think it does, for me. For one thing, we kind of tried that once. We had a couple who were our really good friends, and we set limits, and rules...he broke them, along with her. And in general, it isn't something I'm happy with, I want a monogamous relationship. I can see how that would be a great solution, and I'm sure it's amazing for some, but for me, I think it's one or the other.

Your a confused moron who claims to be in love with someone you have met once. nuff said

(in reply to Moghedien)

Post #: 51

RE: I need some advice.... - 12/18/2007 10:18:28 AM

SailingBum

Posts: 3225
Joined: 12/10/2007
From: Sailin the stormy sea
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: GoddessMine

quote:

ORIGINAL: LittleWench

quote:

UNFUCKINGBELIEVABLE! So this is what you call love??? Glad i'm not married to you.

Wow I can only say I am grateful I have friends are a lot more compassionate and understanding of my humanity, my frailty and my mistakes than this, and some of the other posts in response to the OP, friends who can look at my life and perhaps not agree with my choices, but certainly not condemn me and roast me for my mistakes.

My M and I spoke a lot about this post today, about fidelity, about love, loyalty. .

He believes, even if he was on the receiving end of such hurtful news, he has the right to know. He has the right to make a choice about the relationship as a fully informed participant in the relationship. He told me that if I make the choice to be unfaithful and then make the decisioin to take the knowledge of that infidelity to the grave I am robbing him of the information he needs to make the decision whether or not he wishes to remain in the relationship. He believes he is entitled to know the truth about who he is in a relationship with, and make his own decisions. If that meant walking out, then that was a consequence I had to live with.

He brought me to tears when he said to me one day that when he stood in front of the pearly gates, if God himself looked down upon him and said "you know man, she screwed around on you", he wanted to be able to look God in the eyes and say "Yeah I know, she told me, and I loved her anyway".

I completely agree. I'd want to know if My boy cheated on Me, despite if it beneficially relieved him of his guilt.

Love,
GM

lol the other side....yea I know and i divorced the no good slut. No good can come from telling your partner. none nada zip zero. There is no profit in the situation ONLY a downside.

BadOne

(in reply to GoddessMine)

Post #: 52

RE: I need some advice.... - 12/18/2007 10:19:31 AM

AMaster

Posts: 814
Joined: 8/4/2005
Status: offline

It's a sad thing when one can not have all needs satisfied by the spouse. If you are playing with someone who understands that will never be free to take the relationship further, and if your marriage is better because you are more fulfilled- I see no problem with seeking what you need where ever you can find it.

(in reply to mnottertail)

Post #: 53

RE: I need some advice.... - 12/18/2007 10:28:14 AM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

Quite the situation. Certainly not the easiest thing in the world.

I won't get into what you probably should have done, because it's too late for that. However, in the event that you should find yourself in this situation again, next time, don't be so foolhearty. I hope you realize that this could have had a much different ending. I'm glad you're safe.

As to the rest, what's done is done. You got some really good advice on how to handle this situation. It's not a complete agreement, but Stephann offered some wonderful advice. Especially the part about getting the man dinner first. (I learned that one a lot of years ago when there was something to tell My father.) Then, clear the dishes and sit down and talk. While I agree that this talk should focus on your interest in the lifestyle, and that's enough for the man to handle at the moment, I'm not going with the 'take it to your grave' theory for the rest. Be prepared to answer some tough questions. For now, just concentrate on the fact that there is some interest on your part and it is something you might want to explore together. Telling him you already did is a sure fire way to kill the openmindedness he might have on his part. Let Me throw out a paralelle for you. When the two of you decided to start swinging, even though it ended badly for you, didn't you kind of have that conversation together, before certain activities? It's the same thing. He's not going to be that open about it if your first introduction to him is that you've already done it.

After you have 'the talk', give him some time to process. He has to have some time to decide what he wants. He didn't sign up for this when you got married. You're just going to have to deal with the fact that you might not get all of the answers or the actions that you want right away. Do not see the man you met, or any other lifestyle folks for your own needs until your husband has made his decision. You already screwed up (or down, or sideways) once and you owe it to your "best friend" not to do that again. That guilt that you're not going to confess just now (later, yes, not now) should be enough for you to keep your legs together if you really do care about this man. He has a vested interest in this marriage, too.

On that note, you no longer have the right to that chip on your shoulder for your husband's indiscretions. Yes, he hurt you with them. Now, you've hurt him, too. He just doesn't know it yet. In fact, it's more so, because this wasn't something the two of you even hinted at agreeing to before you did it. If you're able to keep your marriage together, he does have the right to know at some point. By the way, no matter how wonderful Mr Online was, do both of you a favor and make yourself a doctor's appointment to get tested for STD's.

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to cindybee)

Post #: 54

RE: I need some advice.... - 12/19/2007 7:14:25 AM

Stephann

Posts: 4214
Joined: 12/27/2006
From: Portland, OR
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: AMaster

It's a sad thing when one can not have all needs satisfied by the spouse. If you are playing with someone who understands that will never be free to take the relationship further, and if your marriage is better because you are more fulfilled- I see no problem with seeking what you need where ever you can find it.

To be honest, I think it's sad to pretend that a spouse will fulfill our every every need.

A marriage represents a partnership; it doesn't represent seclusion. Married couples still have friends, family, acquaintances, associates, business partners, teammates, antagonists, the list goes on. I think very few couples would have any measure of happiness living on a desert island together. I think this misconception is an incredible obstacle towards marriages that are truly emotionally fulfilling.

Stephan

< Message edited by Stephann -- 12/19/2007 7:15:38 AM >

_____________________________

Nosce Te Ipsum

"The blade itself incites to violence" - Homer

Men: Find a Woman here

(in reply to AMaster)

Post #: 55

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