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RE: Asking Why - 12/5/2007 11:55:34 AM

tmo2

Posts: 18
Joined: 3/23/2006
Status: offline

not the way it was meant. We were joking and teasing about the rule one night that I was attempting to ask what was on my mind even though it was that day of the week. Then he was pondering others reactions if it was a rule in their lives not because he set it in ours. I do realize that because I am the type of person I am that a day break of having a bunch of questions thrown at him is a good thing. And we have found a way to make a joke of it when I forget the day of the week or I hope he has. For us it has become something fun.

(in reply to breatheasone)

Post #: 41

RE: Asking Why - 12/5/2007 12:01:42 PM

Tigrita

Posts: 484
Joined: 8/16/2007
From: California
Status: offline

Kudos to Merc

I think that is a wonderfully secure and insightful position and structure.

_____________________________

~ Tigrita

There is no right path, only the path you take.

Success is making life happen, versus just letting life happen to you.

"Many of the things I enjoy, I enjoy because I don't enjoy them." - Charlotte

(in reply to Mercnbeth)

Post #: 42

RE: Asking Why - 12/5/2007 1:19:54 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

Re small people asking why: I kept a list of stuff to research at the library so when we went they learned why the sky is blue. I encouraged that curiosity about the world around them and interest in motivations and reasonings. I rarely said "Because I said so".

As far as the poster who would give an order to be called at a certain time and not allow why? In a case like that I would want to know if this was important enough for me to reschedule an appointment I had in order to do this. Without knowing how important it was, I would politely tell him that I was already booked and couldn't do it. I have a full life, overfull it seems sometimes, so if it doesn't take priority over something else, it just has to wait.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to Mercnbeth)

Post #: 43

RE: Asking Why - 12/5/2007 2:35:08 PM

YourhandMyAss

Posts: 5516
Joined: 6/25/2006
From: Sacramento
Status: offline

Yes, I am allowed to ask why. No. I wouldn't be, because asking why is something I do a lot, and I need to understand things a lot. If he wants me to know he'll tell me doesn't cut it for me.

quote:

ORIGINAL: kyraofMists

As a submissive, are you allowed to ask why; would you be in a relationship where you couldn't ask why?

Why or why not?

(in reply to kyraofMists)

Post #: 44

RE: Asking Why - 12/5/2007 2:45:17 PM

slavegirljoy

Posts: 1207
Joined: 11/6/2006
From: North Carolina, USA
Status: offline

Hi Stephan,

Thank you for asking me this question. The only time that i ever really wanted to know "why" was when my Master would tell me to be ready to leave at such and such a time and not tell me where Wwe were going. i would be dying of curiosity as to know where He might be taking me. He would tell me how to dress, whether warmly or for being outdoors, or casual dressy, etc. but, not give me any other idea as to where Wwe would be going. i have never given in to my desire to know because i trust Him to tell me all that i need to know.

It's sort of like when i was in the Army and i worked in a TS program with the Navy in DC. i had access to a lot of information but, not all. Of course, there were many times that i wanted to know more. i wanted to know everything but, that's not how secure programs operate. i didn't need to know everything, in order to do my job. It would have been nice to know why i was having to monitor a particular frequency on my intercept equipment but, i didn't have a need to know. i trusted my superiors to know the reason and i took my instructions and carried them out, without asking "why."

By the way, the very first night i was with my Master was 2 years ago today, December 5, 2005. i had driven up from GA to meet Him and spend 2 days with Him. Wwe met in a public place and then i followed Him to His apartment. He had a list of chores for me to complete in His apartment, while He went out to run some errands. When He returned, everything was finished to His delight and satisfaction and i had the dinner He had wanted cooked all ready for Him. After Wwe finished eating and i cleaned up the dishes, He told me to get dressed, that He was taking me somewhere. i didn't ask where Wwe were going, although i wanted to know. When Wwe got into His car, He put a blindfold on me. i was nervous and wanted so badly to ask Him where He was taking me and why i needed to be blindfolded.

All sorts of thoughts went through my mind, including, "Is He taking me to some sort of BDSM club or dungeon or something? Is He taking me to some sleazy part of Charlotte and leaving me there, while He watches from the safety of His car." Well, when He told me to take my blindfold off, i was so surprised to be looking at a scene of pure Christmas magic. It was a long, winding road that was beautifully decorated with every tree lit up and it was just spectacular. i was shocked and amazed and i felt pretty foolish about the crazy thoughts that had been running through my mind, just minutes before, about where this new Man in my life was taking me, in His car, at night, in a strange place, with me blindfolded.

That one experience told me, right there, that this Man had nothing but good intentions in His heart and that i would be an idiot to ever doubt His motives. There have been many times since then that He has surprised me, like this. Last year, just about a week before Christmas, He told me to pack for 2 nights, without telling me where He was taking me. Wwe got in the car and drove to Asheville, where He surprised me by taking me to the Biltmore House, all decked out for Christmas and Wwe toured the mansion and the winery. It was so fantastic. Why should i ever need to ask this Man "Why"? He does nothing but wonderful things for me.

Thank you, so much Stephan, for prompting me to recall these special memories at this very special time of year. Answering your question has just reaffirmed for me why i am so devoted to being the best slave i can possibly be for this Man, who i consider to be the most wonderful person on the planet.

slave joy
Owned property of Master David

quote:

ORIGINAL: Stephann

Hi joy,

we're chatting a little about what you said, and I thought I'd ask for a little insight from you.

While you don't need to know what his motivations are, are there times when you'd like to know? If so, do you ask?

Regards,

Stephan

(in reply to Stephann)

Post #: 45

RE: Asking Why - 12/5/2007 3:40:22 PM

Tigrita

Posts: 484
Joined: 8/16/2007
From: California
Status: offline

Congratulations on your 2 year anniversary. It sounds like you two have something very special. I would not be satisfied not being comfortable asking 'why' (though fine with not getting an answer if he doesn't care to indulge me, especially in the case of the beautiful surprises you described), but obviously it works well for you two and I'm very happy for you.

_____________________________

~ Tigrita

There is no right path, only the path you take.

Success is making life happen, versus just letting life happen to you.

"Many of the things I enjoy, I enjoy because I don't enjoy them." - Charlotte

(in reply to slavegirljoy)

Post #: 46

RE: Asking Why - 12/5/2007 3:52:53 PM

Grlwithboy

Posts: 655
Joined: 2/8/2005
Status: offline

I like a person unafraid to ask why or hold forth on their opinion --- and satisfied with my periodic need to say "because I fucking said so".

(in reply to Tigrita)

Post #: 47

RE: Asking Why - 12/5/2007 3:55:05 PM

kyraofMists

Posts: 3292
Joined: 7/29/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: SunNMoon
By the way I’m assuming you’re not talking about, asking for a drink, right?

Not in general, no. But it could be something as simple as being told, "Wait here for me". I would not think to question why. If I thought I might be in the way of people, I may ask permission to get out of the way, but I wouldn't ask him why he wanted me to do it.

When we are talking about his opinions and preferences, I will ask why or why type questions to understand him better.

Knight's Kyra

_____________________________

"Passion... it lies in all of us. Sleeping, waiting, and though unbidden, it will stir, open its jaws, and howl. It speaks to us, guides us... passion rules us all. And we obey..." ~Angelus

(in reply to SunNMoon)

Post #: 48

RE: Asking Why - 12/5/2007 3:57:22 PM

slavegirljoy

Posts: 1207
Joined: 11/6/2006
From: North Carolina, USA
Status: offline

Thank you, Tigrita. It has been an amazing 2 years for me and my Master. i am so very fortunate to belong to such a thoughtful and caring Master, who also loves BDSM, as much as i do. It's very true that different people have different ways of doing things and different comfort levels of communication, within their personal relationships. Whatever works. Right?

Edited to add: BTW, it's not that i don't feel "comfortable" asking Him why. i simply don't feel the need to ask. And, it's not for a lack of curiosity, on my part. It's not even because He doesn't allow me to ask Him why. That's not a rule of His. It's simply because i have the utmost trust in Him and His decisions. When He tells me to do something, i just do it, without hesitation and without asking Him why. i know that the reason will be revealed to me, soon enough, and that it will be a very sound and positive reason. He really doesn't do things that aren't reasonable and positive. There's no doubt in my mind that, if i did ask Him why, He wouldn't be upset with me. He would probably just laugh at me for asking. He sees in my eyes how badly i want to know and He also sees how much i force myself to resist the temptation of asking. He likes that.

slave joy
Owned property of Master David

< Message edited by slavegirljoy -- 12/5/2007 4:12:49 PM >

(in reply to Tigrita)

Post #: 49

RE: Asking Why - 12/5/2007 4:00:42 PM

laurell3

Posts: 6577
Joined: 5/5/2005
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I think part of the differences stem from the relationship style and amount of authority given. I'm not a slave. I have no desire to have another control my entire life. Without getting into that whole slave vs. sub debate, it can make a big difference in approach.

I do and will analyze things and am a literal thinker. At times too literal. I ask why as well as many other questions. For me it is part of understanding him better. If it frustrates him he is also certainly welcome to tell me so and sometimes (although rarely) does.

However, context is also important. There are certainly times when asking why would be inappropriate for our relationship structure and obeying the command is expected. However, with regard to relationship issues I believe for me personally asking why is important and open communication is important. I've never been in a situation where I wasn't encouraged to ask questions at the appropriate time. I would be disappointed and concerned if I was.

_____________________________

I cannot be defined by moments in my life, but must be considered for by the entirety of my existence.

When you fail to consider that I am the best judge for what is right for me, all of your opinions become suspect to me.

(in reply to kyraofMists)

Post #: 50

RE: Asking Why - 12/5/2007 4:01:23 PM

kyraofMists

Posts: 3292
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Missokyst

I would wonder why he had the need. Or why that question might be a threat to his authority.

For us, it isn't about his authority being threatened by the question. It is simply to promote the mindset that the only reason or pupose for me to do something is because he told me to do it. Obtaining clarification in order to do a better job is highly encouraged though.

Thank you for the response.

Knight's Kyra

_____________________________

"Passion... it lies in all of us. Sleeping, waiting, and though unbidden, it will stir, open its jaws, and howl. It speaks to us, guides us... passion rules us all. And we obey..." ~Angelus

(in reply to Missokyst)

Post #: 51

RE: Asking Why - 12/5/2007 4:11:33 PM

kyraofMists

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Joined: 7/29/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: breatheasone

I'm agreeing with alot of Y'all on this...I just don't get how asking a question(respectfully) is a bad or sinister thing...or how asking a question somehow transforms one into an untrusting "s" type...... imho anyone..."D" type or "s" type that isnt secure enough to answer OR allow a question has WAY more issues then just not liking questions.

I didn't say that it was a bad, sinister thing. For some people it may be, but for others it isn't.

It is just something that I am not allowed to do when given a direct order. It is a means of control. Similar to I am not allowed to wear panties or I am not allowed to stick out my tongue. Nothing more, nothing less. It has nothing to do with security or issues. He has authority over everything, including what I allowed to ask and when I am allowed to ask it.

Knight's Kyra

_____________________________

"Passion... it lies in all of us. Sleeping, waiting, and though unbidden, it will stir, open its jaws, and howl. It speaks to us, guides us... passion rules us all. And we obey..." ~Angelus

(in reply to breatheasone)

Post #: 52

RE: Asking Why - 12/5/2007 4:19:13 PM

kyraofMists

Posts: 3292
Joined: 7/29/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Mercnbeth
My selfish reason for always wanting beth to ask why is that, as much as I'd like to deny it, getting older I sometimes find myself mentally distracted. beth asking; why are you going down this street when our destination is in the opposite direction; results in getting us both where we really want to go faster. I guess that holds true whether speaking metaphorically or practically.

I could seek clarification to make sure he knew where the place is that we had originally intended to go without asking him why he was going in a particular direction. It is a well practiced skill since he seems to enjoy making wrong turns *g*

Thank you for the response; it is enjoyable to see how different people interact.

Knight's Kyra

_____________________________

"Passion... it lies in all of us. Sleeping, waiting, and though unbidden, it will stir, open its jaws, and howl. It speaks to us, guides us... passion rules us all. And we obey..." ~Angelus

(in reply to Mercnbeth)

Post #: 53

RE: Asking Why - 12/5/2007 4:23:00 PM

kyraofMists

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Joined: 7/29/2005
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Thank you to everyone for your responses. It has been enjoyable reading the comments. I wish I had more time, but there is only three days before I start driving north and still much to be done.

Enjoy the thread.

Knight's Kyra

_____________________________

"Passion... it lies in all of us. Sleeping, waiting, and though unbidden, it will stir, open its jaws, and howl. It speaks to us, guides us... passion rules us all. And we obey..." ~Angelus

(in reply to kyraofMists)

Post #: 54

RE: Asking Why - 12/5/2007 4:25:03 PM

laurell3

Posts: 6577
Joined: 5/5/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: kyraofMists

Thank you to everyone for your responses. It has been enjoyable reading the comments. I wish I had more time, but there is only three days before I start driving north and still much to be done.

Enjoy the thread.

Knight's Kyra

How exciting for you! Grats again and have a safe trip!

_____________________________

I cannot be defined by moments in my life, but must be considered for by the entirety of my existence.

When you fail to consider that I am the best judge for what is right for me, all of your opinions become suspect to me.

(in reply to kyraofMists)

Post #: 55

RE: Asking Why - 12/5/2007 4:49:43 PM

slavegirljoy

Posts: 1207
Joined: 11/6/2006
From: North Carolina, USA
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: kyraofMists

quote:

ORIGINAL: Mercnbeth
My selfish reason for always wanting beth to ask why is that, as much as I'd like to deny it, getting older I sometimes find myself mentally distracted. beth asking; why are you going down this street when our destination is in the opposite direction; results in getting us both where we really want to go faster. I guess that holds true whether speaking metaphorically or practically.

I could seek clarification to make sure he knew where the place is that we had originally intended to go without asking him why he was going in a particular direction.

Knight's Kyra

If my Master is taking Uus someplace (and, He has told me where) and He takes a road or goes in a direction that doesn't make sense to me, i don't ask Him why He is going that way. If i ask Him about it at all, which i really don't do very often, i just ask Him if this is another way of getting to 'the theater', for example. He doesn't always tell me that He is planning on making a stop or two, along the way to where Wwe are going. Sometimes, He decides to stop at His bank first and then the gas station before heading out to Oour destination. Sometimes, He decides to stop and get some flowers for me, on the way. i never know what He might be planning but, i always know that He knows and that He has a good reason for what He's doing and that it will all turn out good, in the end. So, i don't bother Him with asking, "Why are you going this way?"

slave joy
Owned property of Master

(in reply to kyraofMists)

Post #: 56

RE: Asking Why - 12/5/2007 8:37:39 PM

slaveluci

Posts: 4294
Joined: 3/2/2007
From: Little Rock, AR
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: wisteriaV
Master likes it when I ask why questions. It shows him that I am interested in his train of thought and reasoning. However, most of the time, Master offers enough information on what is being said to the point of me not needing to ask why. He likes to explains things if nothing else for for the intellectual discussions that may follow later

I'll second this. This is exactly how it is for us as well along with what Camille43 said about the student/teacher dynamic. Master is not one to really give "orders," let alone ones I shouldn't question. We live our day to day lives with me serving Him, anticipating His needs, and keeping Him happy. Not a lot of "out of the blue" orders that I need to wonder about or question. Not that I would if He gave them

. I concur with slavegirljoy. Why would I question someone who so obviously has my best interest at heart always?.............luci

_____________________________

To choose a good book, look in an inquisitor’s prohibited list. ~John Aikin

(in reply to wisteriaV)

Post #: 57

RE: Asking Why - 12/5/2007 8:46:47 PM

Sinergy

Posts: 9383
Joined: 4/26/2004
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Grlwithboy

I like a person unafraid to ask why or hold forth on their opinion --- and satisfied with my periodic need to say "because I fucking said so".

Asking "why" does not obligate me to respond with anything. In other words, I might not say "because I fucking said so." That qualifies as a response.

Sinergy

p.s. It might engender the submissive asking why being assigned the task of writing a 15-20 page, footnoted, bibliographically correct report explaining why both the subject and the hypothetical outcome should the opposite hold true.

_____________________________

"There is a fine line between clever and stupid"
David St. Hubbins "This Is Spinal Tap"

"Every so often you let a word or phrase out and you want to catch it and bring it back. You cant do that, it is gone, gone forever." J. Danforth Quayle

(in reply to Grlwithboy)

Post #: 58

RE: Asking Why - 12/5/2007 11:05:04 PM

MasterFireMaam

Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: kyraofMists
As a dominant, do you like or dislike when your submissve asks you why you have given a particular instruction?

My slaves can always ask why. I, however, have the option of not answering.

Master Fire

_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
-----
Ms Relationship Books
-----
BDSM How-To Books

(in reply to kyraofMists)

Post #: 59

RE: Asking Why - 12/6/2007 1:31:12 AM

MaamJay

Posts: 2101
Joined: 9/2/2005
Status: offline

I'm midline on this. When new and developing a relationship, I think why? is as permissible as what? how? when? where? etc. Although, being a teacher like Tammyjo, My subs tend to get the answer to why whether they asked it or not LOL! I don't mind explaining things like why I might want a fem sub to wear skirts, or why I want a sub to ask permission to go to the toilet or whatever it may be ... ONCE. Or maybe twice. I explain it fully, give examples from my own sub experience or that of others, and I rarely, if ever, come back with "because I say so" (cos I never found that very fulfilling as a child!). However, once explained, and any negotiations about the rule completed, I don't want to have to keep re-explaining it or adding to the explanations! And neither do I expect to keep having to reinforce it ... I'm a bit like the Nike slogan, "Just do it!" Otherwise it becomes less a matter of understanding My motivations and more about questioning My authority and that gets to piss Me off. Over time, as the sub gets to know Me and know My wishes, then I expect a lot less questions, especially why questions. There are always going to be things that need explicit details every time, so "what" questions are needed ... for example, exactly what I want in My sandwich ... whereas once I have shown a sub how I like My laundry hung on the line, that's not likely to change, so please remember! And there are things I freely admit are foibles when I explain them the first time ... don't keep asking Me why I like matching coloured pegs on each item of clothing, I just do!

Along with the verbal question, there is also the tone of the voice and the body language aspect of the question. If the sub is showing by their calm tone and open body and facial language a genuine curiosity and desire to understand, the "why" question is likely to be well tolerated. If they are voicing it with a tone and look of total incredulousness, or disgust, or a sneer, or some other negative affect such as raised eyebrows or crossed arms, then I am not so likely to tolerate the "why" question so kindly. Remember, scientists and sociobiologists say the verbal part of communication accounts for less than 10% of what we actually receive, the body language is very important!

One final thing, in a bdsm play situation, I sometimes order subs to suspend questioning. I explain that they will be allowed to question things later, when W/we debrief, but that they will destroy some aspects of the experience for themselves (as well as for Me!), if they are being too intellectual about it at the time and questioning what I am going to do or why I am doing it. Play time is a good time to "just do it" so the scene flows and I can build some of the excitement and suspense and vulnerability that makes it so special.

Good thread kyra!
Maam Jay aka violet[A]

_____________________________

Life is a song ... and I love singing it! (By me!)

(in reply to MasterFireMaam)

Post #: 60

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