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ElanSubdued -> RE: Showing Him I'm worth it(his sub) (12/22/2007 11:17:18 AM)
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Stacee,
I've read the four pages of responses so far. Many have given pros and cons about you sending or not sending a picture. A few people have mentioned that you don't know the guy at all and have built him up in your mind (which seems to me that you have).
I see nothing wrong with not sending a picture until your comfort is established. When I read a profile, I get a vibe. Sometimes that vibe feels comfortable enough that I send a picture along with my first corespondance. Other times, well... the vibe (i.e. my comfort level with what the person has written) isn't so strong and thus I'll send an email solo (sans picture). When I don't send a picture I am, in esence, checking the person out. I'm using caution and want to find out more about the person before I give out my picture. There is no reason to give your picture to a complete stranger, especially if your comfort level isn't there.
If there is one thing I've learned in BDSM courtships it is always to follow my gut instincts. Thus, for whatever reason, if your instinct is not to send a photo, then don't send one. How a dominant handles with this will tell you a lot about them as a person. For example, if you ask for more information (as you did) and offer a photo once your comfort level is established, as above, I see nothing wrong with this. In fact, I think this is a very good approach because it shows both caution and self value. If the dominant's response is not to reply, so be it. He has just told you everything you needed to know and validated that your caution was appropriate.
Case in point, one thing that causes me to immediately discard somone from further consideration is if they demand a picture. A dominant who demands a picture isn't showing consideration and grace. After we've exchanged a few emails, if they ask for a picture, this seems like a reasonable request and I'll send one if the vibe is right. Sometimes I may have sent a picture without them asking. It all depends on the vibe and feel I get from the person. The vibe is *never right* when a dominant makes demands of me that I'm not comfortable with. Now I'll agree that not all submission is comfortable. But in the case where I'm submitting in a way that is uncomfortable for me, this is the type of submission I give to a trusted partner, not to a stranger. And you can bet this too, if I'm uncomfortable with what we're doing, I've communicated this to my partner and we are working through my discomfort together (which may mean abandoning the activity momentarily, slowing the pace, allowing one or both of us to ask questioins and do research, etc.).
So back to your quandary Stacee. Keep in mind that dating is dating. People sometimes think that because we're kinksters this changes the rules. I wholeheartedly disagree with this point of view. Getting to know a kinky person is no different than courting a vanilla person. You unwrap layers, lean more about the person, and through doing so, build trust slowly. Communiction goes both ways. When someone doesn't reply to you, that is commuication. Often this means they are not interested or too busy with other things in their life. As the case is here, it may mean that the person places high value on visual stimulation. Whatever the case, do you really want to be with someone who is not interested in you, has no time for you, and/or only values you as a visual trophy?
My advice is as follows:
1.) With regard to the dominant you're attempting to woo, perhaps contact him one more time to see if he got your letter. Depending on your comfort level, you night choose to send a picture. Personally, were I in your shoes, at this point I wouldn't send a picture because there is little value in risking sending a picture to someone who has shown no interest. Yes, this might be a self fulfilling prophesy. No picture = no interest. So be it. If the dominant doesn't reply, move on. There are lots of fish in the sea and on Collar Me.
2.) In some of your replies here, you didn't use proper English. (i.e. you omited capital letters, and sometimes left out punctuation.) As best as you can, always use proper English. When you introduce yourself to someone in an email, all they have to go on is your text and picture. If you've left out the picture, the text and thoughts are the reader's entire view of you as a person. Thus, it's important to make these as correct and readable as possible.
3.) Sir Dominic wrote some excellent thoughts to ponder which I'll quote here:
quote:
SirDominic:
Why do you want him as your Dom? You've never met him, never talked to him. You know nothing about him. How can you possibly know if you want him, or would even like him? This is not a matter of whether or not you should pursue him. It is ALL about going inside and seeking answers about yourself that will help you understand why you made this decision based on practically nothing.
Try not to build people up in your mind before you get to know them. A profile tells you a bit about a person as a starting point. By all means, reply to profiles you find attractive, but remember that there are many reasons someone may not reply to you. It is sometimes easy (especially during the Christmas time of year) to allow the desire for companionship to overrule self value and common sense. Be aware of this and slow down your pace a bit. Value and enjoy yourself as a person first. Relationships come second to this.
Side note: sorry this post is extremely long and verbose. I could have cut this down, but there are other priorities I need to attend to this morning.
Good luck,
Elan.
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