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stella41b -> RE: Dominant and conditional sub/slaves? (12/7/2007 4:05:53 AM)
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quote:
ORIGINAL: ShaktiWithLingam
The fact that many want to be owned, controlled and/or lead fits my personality.
My quandary is: Why are many submissives so dominant and demanding?
Do you see the conflicting statements here? This might be the problem. A skilled submissive would pick up on something like this immediately and start qualifying you. Nobody wants to submit to a Dominant who's not sure of who they are, what they want and expect and who they are looking for.
quote:
ORIGINAL: ShaktiWithLingam
I have a very different view of subs/slaves than most Dom/mes and Owners I know.
I see nothing wrong with this, but quite frankly any Dominant can say this about themselves. It's important to make sure that your 'difference' isn't a lack of awareness of how both dominant and submissive roles develop.
quote:
ORIGINAL: ShaktiWithLingam
Most seem to enjoy "topping from the bottom" yet calling themselves submissive and/or slaves. Many also place a laundry list of conditions that don't give much room for creativity or personal growth.
I'm assuming here that you're talking about the very start of the relationship. This isn't them 'topping from the bottom' as you claim, in fact I'd be more inclined to suggest it's you not being aware of the actual process of submission.
If you're a Dominant who's expecting total and unquestionable control of a submissive slave then maybe it's time to wake up and smell the coffee because this isn't ever going to happen, and if it does, then the submissive or slave who's offering you such obedience and submission isn't worth having. BOTH of you have control of the relationship.. the submissive has global control, you as the Dominant are about to take the immediate control.
You see, BDSM is like a dance, it's just like a game of chess, and nobody here wants to be with a woodpusher.
If you've ever learned something about chess you know something about moves, strategies, and openings - the Ruy Lopez opening, the Sicilian Defense, the Scottish Defense, and so on. A D/s or BDSM relationship is no different. The basic principle is the same - you're the Dominant, therefore you play with black pieces, the submissive or slave is always the one with the white pieces. Who moves first in the game of chess? White. Who makes the first moves in a D/s or BDSM relationship? Why it's the submissive or slave.
The principle is exactly the same. You can't go for check or checkmate until some of the pieces have been moved by either side. So too you cannot assume the dominant role or take over control until both of you have made moves in that direction.
The submissive or slave at the start of a relationship is active and dominant just as the skilled Dominant is submissive and passive. I'm very active and dominant at the start of a relationship because I want to know who I'm submitting to, and I want to know EVERYTHING there is to know about that person. I need to know IF I am able to submit to that Dominant on their terms and to give them what they want from the relationship. I'm doing my 'needs analysis' and gathering information through dialogue and communication in order to be able to put together an offer of submission. This is my strategy, personal to me. You're the Dominant, you just sit back and enjoy the prospect of what's coming to you.
Only don't start dictating to me, or try taking over control, because I'll just lose interest and walk away. I'm not 'topping from the bottom', because as yet there's not D/s, no BDSM, you're not my Dominant, I'm still not your submissive, so how can I be 'topping from the bottom'? I'm just gathering information about you and what you expect from our relationship, therefore I'd suggest I'm more 'bottoming from the top'. I'm well aware that you're the Dominant one, I have a brain, I'm not stupid, and I'm assuming that you're going to be open with me and give me the time to get through this process.
It's just like the chess game. I'm making the moves, you're responding. Only unlike in the real game of chess I'm not playing to win, and so I'm keeping my pawn formation and taking care not to take your rooks or knights. I just want to have you move all your pieces all over the board for me, and each time you make a move I'm watching you like a hawk. As the chess player sizes up an opponent, I'm sizing you up as a Dominant. The skilled Dominant here would also be careful to keep their pawn formation and not take any of my pieces.
Be patient. Your time is coming. Only whilst you're waiting, I hope you're also listening to my 'laundry list of conditions'. These aren't actually conditions, well they are.. they're instructions for you, guidance notes, as you see, being the submissive I am I come with my own manual, instructions and these conditions are there to help you and guide you through my process of submission. At this stage I'm not interested in 'creativity' or 'personal growth'. There's no point. The relationship might fall flat on its face in a month or two, which doesn't leave much opportunity anyway for creativity or personal growth.
Are you ready? Sitting comfortably? Now comes my offer of submission within the range of submission you require. Here we're equal, it's negotiation, but not quite, because you're expected to win here. Unlike the game of chess I'm placing my Queen in a vulnerable position. Are you smart enough to take my Queen? I'm not going to place it in a diagonal position to either your Queen or bishops.
You see, I don't see my submission as a gift, it's a prize, a reward, and you being the Dominant have to show that you are able to win it. It's not there for the taking.. you've got to work it out and think it through for yourself. You don't have to do anything spectacular. I've never asked a Dominant to eat fire, swallow swords, time lions or even juggle their balls. Very few Dominants can juggle balls anyway, and this includes male Dominants who have their own balls. Can you fulfill your own needs, requirements and wishes from our relationship and fulfill mine too at the same time? Can you see your own pieces and know how to take the Queen?
If you can, take the Queen. If you can, accept the offer of submission. This is where you become your own dominant self and start to assume control as I, the submissive or slave, hand over control gradually through my process of submission, and therefore you gain control gradually. Meanwhile back at the chessboard, you make the moves and take it all the way to checkmate.
Only I'm useless at chess, so please don't ask me for advice or chess lessons. But hopefully something here might help you with your own strategies as a Dominant in this other game people call BDSM.
I wish you well.
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