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Sex and BDSM, Related? - 12/7/2007 12:39:58 PM   
Aslanemperor


Posts: 108
Joined: 4/17/2005
Status: offline 		So, after all the time I've spent as a dom, I've begun to wonder how other people view BDSM and it's relationship to sex.  I find that most women think that BDSM and sex do not go hand in hand while most guys will tell you that you can't have one without the other. 
And for that matter, does LOVE factor in?  Please, share your oppinion!

Here's mine:

Firstly, I believe that a BDSM relationship recquires sex.  Why?  The main reason is this, Any romantic relationship requires sex!  Let's face it ladies(And some of you men too), pleasing your partner sexually does incredible good for a relationship, and not doing so does a lot of damage.  And for those who say it's not a romantic relationship, I don't know where you've been.  Either your play is a single session, or you have an ongoing relationship.  If there is a relationship involved, it would be catagorized as romantic.
Anyway, I'm going to let other people talk now because I'm about to fall asleep at my keyboard right now and can't think to type.  I've probably already typed something stupid which will be misinterpreted later.  Whatever.  Talk to me!
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RE: Sex and BDSM, Related? - 12/7/2007 12:46:24 PM   
ctrlaltdelete


Posts: 284
Joined: 11/6/2007
Status: offline 		I don't think there is a one-size-fits-all answer, since there are not standardized relationships in BDSM. There are so many different dynamics and individual needs that get accommodated by relationships.

If you are the cuck in a BDSM relationship, then actual absence of sex (at least for you) defines the dynamic. If you are into extreme humiliation or isolation, then the last thing on your mind could be the formation of a deep and loving bond.

With that said, for me personally, a BDSM relationship (heck, any relationship for that matter, because I led a vanilla life before embracing my dominant side) very much involves and requires physical intimacy, primal sex, loving trust and, eventually, a loving emotional connection as well.

Edited for yet more shits and giggles and typos.

< Message edited by ctrlaltdelete -- 12/7/2007 12:47:50 PM >

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The opinions expressed in my posts are strictly mine and do not seek to imply that my personal beliefs are representative of those of ANY other individual(s). Should these opinions hurt your little feelers, you are free and welcome to stop reading them.

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RE: Sex and BDSM, Related? - 12/7/2007 12:49:17 PM   
LadyHibiscus


Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline 		Where does it say that a BDSM relationshi is or must be romantic?  I agree that for me a romantic relationship requires physical intimacy of some kind, but I have D/s relationships that have no romantic or sexual component.

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RE: Sex and BDSM, Related? - 12/7/2007 1:01:56 PM   
Littlepita


Posts: 1430
Joined: 10/6/2005
Status: offline 		Don't know about other people, and don't really care. For me BDSM, sex, and love all go together like hot fudge, vanilla ice cream, and salted peanuts. I want it all!

_____________________________

“I, with a deeper instinct, choose a man who compels my strength, who makes enormous demands on me, who does not doubt my courage or my toughness, who does not believe me naive or innocent, who has the courage to treat me like a woman.” – Anais Nin

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RE: Sex and BDSM, Related? - 12/7/2007 1:38:10 PM   
RumpusParable


Posts: 1923
Joined: 7/7/2005
From: NYC now!
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: AslanemperorFirstly, I believe that a BDSM relationship recquires sex.  Why?  The main reason is this, Any romantic relationship requires sex!  Let's face it ladies(And some of you men too), pleasing your partner sexually does incredible good for a relationship, and not doing so does a lot of damage.  And for those who say it's not a romantic relationship, I don't know where you've been.  Either your play is a single session, or you have an ongoing relationship.  If there is a relationship involved, it would be catagorized as romantic.


Really?  Having an ongoing relationship automatically makes it romantic?  I'll be sure to tell both my best female and best male friends that we're romantically involved.  For that matter, I'll also tell my mother and sister we are.  Oh, and my teacher at school, too.

And since these, by being ongoing relationships, are automatically romantic that we all need to start having sex with one another because all romantic relationships require it.


I swear, all the posts like the OP here make me wonder about the author and whether they've ever had any variety in healthy human interactions.

< Message edited by RumpusParable -- 12/7/2007 1:41:47 PM >

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I generally use fast-reply. If directing my post at someone specific I will indicate so.

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RE: Sex and BDSM, Related? - 12/7/2007 1:41:42 PM   
toservez


Posts: 1733
Joined: 9/7/2006
From: All over now in Minnesota
Status: offline 		The sex drive is close to a need or simply a desire that most will not go without. If you are in a complete relationship then both parties regardless of the roles better make sure the other’s sex drive is satisfied or problems will ensue.

For me personally I do not separate my power exchange relationship and my sex life. My Master has all of me or he is not my Master. BDSM plays an important role in my sex life because both of these things are very high on mental impact and intimacy that they just could not be always treated as separate. They are too big and playing in the same space in my mind.

I know if many who can and do separate these aspects within themselves or play causal in one area but not the other. It is just not how my brain works personally.



_____________________________

I am sorry I do not fit Webster's defintion of a slave but thankfully my Master is not Webster.

"Anything that contradicts experience and logic should be abandoned." - H.H. The 14th Dalai Lama

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RE: Sex and BDSM, Related? - 12/7/2007 1:44:56 PM   
tivadar


Posts: 3
Joined: 12/16/2005
Status: offline
quote:


ORIGINAL: RumpusParable
Really?  Having an ongoing relationship automatically makes it romantic?  I'll be sure to tell both my best female and best male friends that we're romantically involved.  For that matter, I'll also tell my mother and sister we are.  Oh, and my teacher at school, too.

And since these, by being ongoing relationships, are automatically romantic that we all need to start having sex with one another because all romantic relationships require it.


Does this imply I'm having sex with my cat as well?  Because I'm not into that type of play...

That being said, I agree with Rumpus, and as I posted on the other thread (with nearly the same name, can't we decide?).  No, I don't think that a BDSM relationship requires sex.  If it's healthy, however, it should be sexUAL (I draw a distinction between what turns one on/gets one excited and the actual act of sex).  If it's unhealthy, then sure, it can be about revenge, or power, or the like.  Personally, I think any good BDSM relationship is about what passes between dom and sub, no matter if sex is involved or not.

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RE: Sex and BDSM, Related? - 12/7/2007 1:47:24 PM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline 		I think that there are many ways to experience a BDSM relationship... not all of them involve romance even though they involve sex. Not all involve sex even though they involve romance. Not all of them involve bdsm, even though they have a power exchange... in essense there are many many ways have experiencing WIITWD... all of those ways are just as valid as my own.

For us D/s is a lovestyle, BDSM is for fun and it is sexual, and romance is a part of the overall mix

< Message edited by juliaoceania -- 12/7/2007 1:48:14 PM >

_____________________________

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Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

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RE: Sex and BDSM, Related? - 12/7/2007 1:59:26 PM   
CliarSiofra


Posts: 34
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: ask
Status: offline 		As state before its to vast at this point its really up to the two or more involved.

For a lot there is sex involved, and just as many sex isn't a factor.

So yes there is some relation but its not BDSM=Sex


(in reply to juliaoceania)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Sex and BDSM, Related? - 12/7/2007 2:00:45 PM   
LadyHugs


Posts: 2299
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		Dear Aslanemperor, Ladies and Gentlemen,
 
For me, BDSM and sex have a place in the over all relationship however, sex is way over used in my opinion.  People will be sexually driven--that is nature.  That said, for me--sex is not 'just' sexual intercourse.  Sex and or sensuality is just as much mental, senses and or emotional with physical interaction leading up to the sex act of physical intercourse.
 
In a long term relationship, which many cases be it vanilla or otherwise, you can love someone without sexual intercourse, e.g. elderly married individuals, disabled and or paralized individuals, those who have lost genitals to disease and or injuries; and you can have intercourse without love involved and or any relationship--we see this with rape, date violence, prostitution and the like.
 
Speaking for myself, I do not require sexual intercourse to be pleased.  I find myself more sexually awakened by the slave who sensually awakes 'all' of me--not just my genital regions.  I achieve a sensual/sexual rapture and orgasm without sexual intercourse; as my mind and spirit are joining beyond the physical limitations of genital to genital sex and or stimulation externally, e.g. fake phallus, vibrators, etc.  Every time my slave is serving me (in many forms) I am having a sensual exchange.
 
Just some thoughts.
 
Respectfully submitted for consideration,
Lady Hugs

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RE: Sex and BDSM, Related? - 12/7/2007 2:10:08 PM   
MasterFireMaam


Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Aslanemperor
Any romantic relationship requires sex!


This is where you logic fails for me. My Ms relationships (that contain BDSM) are NOT romantic relationships. They're not even BDSM focused; my girl isn't much of a masochist. They're not even sex focused; my girl and I don't have sex.

Sweeping declarations are often untrue because it only takes one example to prove something false.

Master Fire


_____________________________

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BDSM How-To Books

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RE: Sex and BDSM, Related? - 12/7/2007 4:22:24 PM   
Slavetrainer2007


Posts: 231
Joined: 12/2/2006
Status: offline 		All my BDSM  and D/s relationships have had a sexual component, though not all have had a romantic one.  While it may not be the "norm" you see many have BDSM and D/s relationships without the sexual or romatic parts. Its not a relationship I would wish to have personally, as  removing the sexual component makes it "limited" to me.

I have even met a few that have an ongoing ( for a year or better)  online D/s relationship to satsify their  D/s  "need" but are married in real life and love their vanilla spouse very much and dont want to give that up for D/s. Its really about what works for you, which is pretty much the default answer about everything in this lifestyle.

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Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Sex and BDSM, Related? - 12/7/2007 4:42:33 PM   
Shawn1066


Posts: 987
Joined: 10/7/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Aslanemperor

So, after all the time I've spent as a dom, I've begun to wonder how other people view BDSM and it's relationship to sex.  I find that most women think that BDSM and sex do not go hand in hand while most guys will tell you that you can't have one without the other. 
And for that matter, does LOVE factor in?  Please, share your oppinion!

Here's mine:

Firstly, I believe that a BDSM relationship recquires sex.  Why?  The main reason is this, Any romantic relationship requires sex!  Let's face it ladies(And some of you men too), pleasing your partner sexually does incredible good for a relationship, and not doing so does a lot of damage.  And for those who say it's not a romantic relationship, I don't know where you've been.  Either your play is a single session, or you have an ongoing relationship.  If there is a relationship involved, it would be catagorized as romantic.
Anyway, I'm going to let other people talk now because I'm about to fall asleep at my keyboard right now and can't think to type.  I've probably already typed something stupid which will be misinterpreted later.  Whatever.  Talk to me!



One doesn't have to have a romantic relationship with his/her owner/pet to be in the lifestyle.  My Owner and her other pet do not have a romantic relationship, and they've been in their relationship for well over a year.  I didn't get into the lifestyle myself looking for sex.

(in reply to Aslanemperor)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Sex and BDSM, Related? - 12/7/2007 5:20:22 PM   
LPslittleclip


Posts: 1163
Joined: 9/29/2007
Status: offline 		im a submissive and my wife as well as my M'Ladys husband both say no vaginal sex. O/our bdsm relationship started and is still based on service and trust. now since W/westarted W/we have been allowed to have oral and anal pleasures, these are very welcomed but are not needed for happines in O/our relationship. each relationship ive seen has been diffrent unlike the sex industrys model, so let the relationship speak for itself as it defines itself in life.

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RE: Sex and BDSM, Related? - 12/7/2007 5:23:59 PM   
IrishMist


Posts: 7480
Joined: 11/17/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Aslanemperor

So, after all the time I've spent as a dom, I've begun to wonder how other people view BDSM and it's relationship to sex.  I find that most women think that BDSM and sex do not go hand in hand while most guys will tell you that you can't have one without the other. 
And for that matter, does LOVE factor in?  Please, share your oppinion!

Here's mine:

Firstly, I believe that a BDSM relationship recquires sex.  Why?  The main reason is this, Any romantic relationship requires sex!  Let's face it ladies(And some of you men too), pleasing your partner sexually does incredible good for a relationship, and not doing so does a lot of damage.  And for those who say it's not a romantic relationship, I don't know where you've been.  Either your play is a single session, or you have an ongoing relationship.  If there is a relationship involved, it would be catagorized as romantic.
Anyway, I'm going to let other people talk now because I'm about to fall asleep at my keyboard right now and can't think to type.  I've probably already typed something stupid which will be misinterpreted later.  Whatever.  Talk to me!


There is nothing romantic, to me, about BDSM...it's only about pain. Soooooooo, in my eyes....and since you said it first....For me, BDSM is NOT ABOUT SEX...nor is it romantic.

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If I said something to offend you, please tell me what it was so that I can say it again later.


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RE: Sex and BDSM, Related? - 12/7/2007 5:33:35 PM   
AngelLove77777


Posts: 1
Joined: 11/14/2007
Status: offline 		hello!!!!!!!

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Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Sex and BDSM, Related? - 12/7/2007 5:34:13 PM   
SirJohnMandevill


Posts: 546
Joined: 11/10/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Aslanemperor

So, after all the time I've spent as a dom, I've begun to wonder how other people view BDSM and it's relationship to sex.  I find that most women think that BDSM and sex do not go hand in hand while most guys will tell you that you can't have one without the other. 
And for that matter, does LOVE factor in?  Please, share your oppinion!

Here's mine:

Firstly, I believe that a BDSM relationship recquires sex.  Why?  The main reason is this, Any romantic relationship requires sex!  Let's face it ladies(And some of you men too), pleasing your partner sexually does incredible good for a relationship, and not doing so does a lot of damage.  And for those who say it's not a romantic relationship, I don't know where you've been.  Either your play is a single session, or you have an ongoing relationship.  If there is a relationship involved, it would be catagorized as romantic.
Anyway, I'm going to let other people talk now because I'm about to fall asleep at my keyboard right now and can't think to type.  I've probably already typed something stupid which will be misinterpreted later.  Whatever.  Talk to me!



I'm recyling my post from a prior thread:

Sex is an integral part of play for me, but not a big factor in the D/s dynamic. I need to control a sub's mind and heart. Her body will follow.

Les (Purveyor of Fine, Handcrafted Kink)


_____________________________

Iam an eroticist
I am a fully eroticized being
No more neuroses
I found my strip naked soul soup
With the deviant ingredient
---The B-52s

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Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Sex and BDSM, Related? - 12/7/2007 5:49:18 PM   
lateralist1


Posts: 886
Joined: 11/22/2006
Status: offline 		As has been stated D/s and BDSM is about whatever it is about for the people involved.
I tend to dominate all my relationships.
Lots of dominant people do.
BDSM is my sexuality.
Love and sex are not necessarily linked but for me it is a whole lot better if they are.
I don't do BDSM with anyone who I don't want as a sexual partner because even if no actual sex takes place that's the dynamic.
As we keep saying everyone is different.

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Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Sex and BDSM, Related? - 12/7/2007 6:26:28 PM   
LadyChef


Posts: 105
Joined: 11/11/2007
Status: offline 		To Me, any intimate act which involves two consensual adults, should be more than just "casual sex",or "play time."  I have  chatted, had phone conversations and have met  "submissive men" who insist that they want more as well. Once W/we meet- the sex drive accelerates to "when can W/we play the games." When I insist on getting to know them better- I'm noticing the cut and run incident more frequently. I know some people can have casual sex, casual play and BDSM sessions with no strings attached; I am not one of those people.
With the intensity of a real D/s relationship, I  know that passion on both sides will heat up to erotic escapades eventually. I plan to be satiated, and there will be feelings involved. Will My slave be satisfied sexually as well? That is up to O/our agreement on his chastity and/or orgasm denial. If he begs to be pleased and submits to his Queen's every whim, what loving, caring Domme would not want Her slave to be satiated sexually (within reason, limts, etc.) as well?

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You reap what you sow

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RE: Sex and BDSM, Related? - 12/7/2007 6:29:45 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		I'm monogamous, sex, play and love all happen only with one.

However there are play only relationships, there are fuck buddies who have play and sex but no romance or love.

There are even service only relationships with no chance of sex and play rarely as a reward and no romance.

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Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


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Profile   Post #: 20
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