quote:


I seem to be too selfish and ego-centric to be in a relationship.

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ORIGINAL: Owner4SexSlave

Some people think in terms of  top/bottom/switch,  others in terms of Dom/sub/slave/switch.

I notice you use the words "top" and "bottom" in your posts.  However, these labels do not define a persons personality.

I do not use "top" or "bottom" as a label to hang on myself.   Personally, these labels could not fucking define my role in BDSM land very well.    However, the DOM label best defines me.

I have my own maso streak!  Basically, I will allow somebody to top me in play, within reason and limits.  I also, will top from the bottom most of the time as well.  Meaning, I will be on the receiving end of some painful S&M play, however this does not change the relationship power dynamics one damn bit.   Plus, I don't allow anybody to do whatever they so damn well please with me.   There is no way, I humanly could be a slave to any Domme. 

Now, I might let a Domme take a flogger and beat the fuck out of my back.  Hell, I'd let her take her nails rack my skin really hard, to the point I bleed.   Yes, Dare I even admit it, If I'm in an extreme Maso Mood and I might even let her burn me with a cigerettee too.   When I'm in a Maso mode, I love pain.   However, spanking my ass, that's a limit.  Somebody wanting to collar me and walk me around on a leash, fuck all, that's not happening either.   Actually, I hate any activitity that places me mentally/physically into a submissive role.

With that said, I too enjoy top and bottom roles.  Hell, I love recieving massages too (that's very bottom thing).

You don't have to be a treated like slave to be submissive.  Basically sounds like you have encountered those who want to own a slave.  I can tell already you are not into the TPE (total power exchange) game.

By the way, there are plenty of ego-centric submissives running around, so don't worry about that either.   The issue you are having is not if you are submissive or not.  It's the level of power exchange.  TPE, not for you.

Don't worry about it too much, because there are other submissves/slaves that have wicked sadistic streaks like you do.  

Most of all, don't let the assholes telling you that you don't belong because you are not being a TRUE TPE Slave girl. 

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ORIGINAL: kirby104

Can I fight for a place in the lifestyle or am I just wasting my time and others.

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ORIGINAL: kirby104

Can I fight for a place in the lifestyle or am I just wasting my time and others.

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ORIGINAL: Owner4SexSlave

Dearest Kirby,

I have seen a number of your posts to the message board, and my heart goes out to you each and every time I read them.

Don't think for a moment you have to fight for a place in the lifestyle, you are not wasting your time or others. 

Any open minded experienced BDSMer in this lifestyle, knows damn well that Labels are just a general guideline.  That is if they are Socially experienced in interacting with other people in this lifestyle.   Some people live as islands unto themselves for years, so they remain ignorant of the world.

Some people think in terms of  top/bottom/switch,  others in terms of Dom/sub/slave/switch.

I notice you use the words "top" and "bottom" in your posts.  However, these labels do not define a persons personality.

I know two staight female submissives that are into topping other submissive females.  Basically S&M and play without the sexual aspects coming into play.  Still both these girls are submissive in terms of Real Time long term relationships.  This is the core of what they are all about.   

Now, I've encountered a number of masochistic sub/slave girls that also have a sadistic streak in them.   However, they don't want to control anybody.  They don't want to be the one in charge of a relationship.   They want to fully submit to another human being.

I do not use "top" or "bottom" as a label to hang on myself.   Personally, these labels could not fucking define my role in BDSM land very well.    However, the DOM label best defines me.

I have my own maso streak!  Basically, I will allow somebody to top me in play, within reason and limits.  I also, will top from the bottom most of the time as well.  Meaning, I will be on the recieving end of some painful S&M play, however this does not change the relationship power dynamics one damn bit.   Plus, I don't allow anybody to do whatever they so damn well please with me.   There is no way, I humanly could be a slave to any Domme. 

Now, I might let a Domme take a flogger and beat the fuck out of my back.  Hell, I'd let her take her nails rack my skin really hard, to the point I bleed.   Yes, Dare I even admit it, If I'm in an extreme Maso Mood and I might even let her burn me with a cigerettee too.   When I'm in a Maso mode, I love pain.   However, spanking my ass, that's a limit.  Somebody wanting to collar me and walk me around on a leash, fuck all, that's not happening either.   Actually, I hate any activitity that places me mentally/physically into a submissive role.

With that said, I too enjoy top and bottom roles.  Hell, I love recieving massages too (that's very bottom thing).

I wish I knew more about what being a TOP or BOTTOM actually means to your Kirby.   I wish I knew how you relate to what a sub, slave, switch, Domme, Dom, Master, Mistress and all these labels mean to you.

I get the impression that you are a D/s relationship submissive, and a bedroom kink switch.   I don't know what to actually think of you, because you keep talking in terms of "top" and "bottom".   

Ok, you could label yourself as the one of the following...

• Submissive
  With sadistic and Masochistic streaks for Switch S&M topping and bottom play.  Seeking a Dom for a D/s relationship.  Not a slave. Not seeking TPE.
  
• Switch
  With sadistic and Masochistic streaks for Switch S&M topping and bottom play.  Seeking a Dom for a D/s relationship.  Not a slave. Not Seeking TPE.

You don't have to be a treated like slave to be submissive.  Basically sounds like you have encountered those who want to own a slave.  I can tell already you are not into the TPE (total power exchange) game.

By the way, there are plenty of ego-centric submissives running around, so don't worry about that either.   The issue you are having is not if you are submissive or not.  It's the level of power exchange.  TPE, not for you.

Don't worry about it too much, because there are other submissves/slaves that have wicked sadistic streaks like you do.  

Most of all, don't let the assholes telling you that you don't belong because you are not being a TRUE TPE Slave girl. 

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ORIGINAL: Dari

quote:

Presently, I don't bottom nor do I top. I think of being sadistic as while as being masochistic.

I seem to be too selfish and ego-centric to be in a relationship. I still have dreams of being submissive even though it upsets me.

It seems better to be a slave, for then I must remain silent. But I am unable to do that either because Dom/mes want their way without any limits or they state don't waste their time. I have limits due to medical issues.

Can I fight for a place in the lifestyle or am I just wasting my time and others.

You can be a sadistic bottom, or a masochistic top.  You can be both sadist and masochist without regard to whether you are top or bottom.  Don't let labels and what is "common" or at least more common to find on these boards define you in your BDSM, any more than you would allow it in your vanilla life.

Whether you're too selfish to be in a relationship or not, that doesn't have anything to do with whether you are D or sub.  It's a personal issue, and coupled with your dysfunctional upbringing, should be worked through with a competent therapist (for example, someone who isn't the person that gave you this ridiculous advice, unless there's more that was said or meant that you're not stating here).

Being a slave doesn't mean you have to be silent - though I question your desire to be silent at all.  It sounds more like you're afraid of really telling someone what's going on in your head, or that you don't know what's actually going on beyond knowing that you're full of mental and emotional turmoil.  If that's the case, you're not going to be happy long-term with silence, because you'll just be ignoring the things that will eventually start to bother you. 

Slaves without limits is a difficult thing to find, no matter how many people say they want it.  Ignore those who bullshit about how "real slaves" don't have limits - that's such a line. 

Sounds from your post like you need to figure out some issues that aren't related to BDSM, really.  Figuring those out will help you be who you want to be - whether that's Dom(me) or sub.  And not just figure out who you want to be, but allow you to be happy with your choice (since if thinking of being submissive upsets you, that's a whole different issue there).

Spend some time getting to know yourself.  Find a competent therapist.  Work through your issues, and figure out who you are.  When you do all this, find your place in the lifestyle - if it's what you want, which it sounds like it is, then it's worth fulfilling that part of you, absolutely.

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ORIGINAL: laurell3

The only person that knows what your role is, if any, is you.  Arm chair psychology that is deprecating is merely self-important behavior and has nothing to do with you but the insecurities of the person giving that advice.  It would seem you need to look at why you are in the lifestyle, what role you seek to have in the lifestyle and what type of relationship you need/desire.  If you decide that you have a role here and desire to fulfill that role be true to what you want and need and patient in your search to find it.

good luck,
l

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ORIGINAL: DesiredMuse

I really feel for you.  When I first got started in all of this, I actually had someone try to get me put in a hospital because he didn't think this was "normal".  He screwed my life up a lot at the time, and it has took me quite awhile to get my life back.
 
Only you know your heart and why you are doing things.  Don't let anyone ever try to convince you that something is wrong with you.  As long as you can keep your head about you, and think in a rational way (not putting yourself in dangerous situations), don't worry about what this person thinks.
 
Btw..the one that told me that is now on this site acting like a dom.  He is one of those that thinks he is sooooo much smarter than anyone else.  He only knew of this site because I told him.  The stuff he has shown me in the past shows me that he is the one that has a lot of problems.  If I were one to get revenge, it would take two seconds for him to lose everything, he better thank his lucky stars my faith makes me a forgiving person.
 
Good luck.
 
~Amirah

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ORIGINAL: Sexynmentalinkc

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ORIGINAL: kirby104

Can I fight for a place in the lifestyle or am I just wasting my time and others.

I see others have mentioned this, but...

You're going to allow others to tell you what you are or are not?  Is that right?

You shouldn't have to "fight" for a place in your own life or in the lifestyle. If you have limits, lay them out on paper alone and share them early with any prospect that seems to warrant getting that list.

I have seen others mention that slaves don't have to remain silent - I can tell you that having/owning a mindless robot is (for me) no fun. A s/s with a brain is one of the hottest things in the known universe.


You mentioned that you have dreams of being sub but they are upsetting. I think I'd try to get to the core of what "upsetting" means, exactly. Is it the subconscious 'you' trying to get you to get away from D/s?  Or is it something more like 'the truth hurts, this is what you are - accept it, even if it's scary'?


*tips his hat*

- Mr. S