How do you suggest I go about using CM best? (Full Version)

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CantWaitAnymore -> How do you suggest I go about using CM best? (12/13/2007 1:38:15 AM)

So, I've been on online BDSM personal sites before, bondage.com, collarme, etc.  I just made a new profile because I'm out for a relationship of 3 years 9 months ago, and I feel incomplete.  Common story, right?   Except, here's the twist.  I'm a straight male looking for a submissive woman.. and there are LOTS of us.  Tons.  I suspect many are just looking for an easy lay, or what not.  But regardless, you girls get lots of spam, right?

Anyway, I've read the posts that say "no penis pics," "good spelling," "read the profile.".   I do all that, and in fact did not need that advice to start with.  And yet, replies are few and far between.  With my previous sub, we met completely through happenstance, not at all through one of these sites.  But I don't want to wait for that.  At the same time, I don't want to go to S&M clubs, munches, etc.  I don't like that sort of public scene.

So, am I screwed?  Or is there some advice you can give me that will help me demonstrate that I'm genuine and sincere in what I'm looking for, and worth the time of someone who's profile I seem to match well with?  If you want, read my profile and offer suggestions (Note : I know I should add a pic, but I really don't want to add a face pic, and body pics of guys are well.. silly :P  Still, I'm considering it. )



spanklette -> RE: How do you suggest I go about using CM best? (12/13/2007 2:52:22 AM)

Personally, I would take out the reference to the former relationship...to me, it immediately feels like some sort of competition. Ex's can be hot buttons and if she is the first thing you write about in a profile, that makes me feel like you're not over the relationship yet. As for the rest, I don't know...but I always tell people to get out and meet real people. You don't seem to feel comfortable doing that, but there is a reason that people advise getting out in the community.



takenbyjohnr07 -> RE: How do you suggest I go about using CM best? (12/13/2007 3:57:09 AM)

i think that most of Your profile is sweet and inviting. The F word would turn me off right away, because it's used so casually and in my opinion wreaks of no class. One thing a Dominant should have is class and respect for a lady, not to use such vulgar terms in their profile. i skimmed over Your likes and i don't remember seeing what type of kink You are into (maybve i readit too fast). Some women want to know what You are into before they respond so that they don't end up wasting their time. Good luck and have a happy holiday. It took me ten Years to find my Owner. i found him on here after looking EVERYWHERE. The first thing that attracted me to him was that he was a gentleman and he treated me with respect. Have fun!



RWG215 -> RE: How do you suggest I go about using CM best? (12/13/2007 5:16:52 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: CantWaitAnymore
So, am I screwed?  Or is there some advice you can give me that will help me demonstrate that I'm genuine and sincere in what I'm looking for, and worth the time of someone who's profile I seem to match well with?  If you want, read my profile and offer suggestions

Yes, you are totally screwed and you generally hit the main reason at the end of the first paragraph (not quoted here). If you read any threads on any BDSM forum you'll see this same topic and theory - avail fem subs are buried under spam, idiots and posers so the true, honest, sincere and real male doms are operating at a handicap. No argument with that but will point out that it's more universal - fem doms get the same spam from male subs and fill in any other combo that comes to mind. The truth here is that it's an internet thing, not a bdsm connection site thing.

As for the often asked question (quoted here) about how to stand out to demonstrate that you're not one of "them" - the tone of your posting demonstrates that you already understand the answer. The thing that you need to embrace now is that your intro will either click or it won't and there's not a whole lot you can do about it. Keep writing honest, sincere, polite, readable intros and enventually there will be a reader that responds. I would also put forth the theory that there is no such thing as a "silver bullet" for your profile and add that 99% of the time, the reader doesn't even look at your profile - they react largely to your intro email. This site has a feature that shows who's viewed your profile (which is a big buggy) but find it and notice how few of those reading your emails have looked at your profile.

My only constructive suggestion here is to go the major job hunting sites and read the advice about resume cover letters. The theory here is that the employment recruiter using the internet is much like the available fem sub using the internet in that thier in-box runeth over and that the intial communication from the applicant gets a full 15 seconds of consideration before being routed to the recycle bin or not.



RWG215 -> RE: How do you suggest I go about using CM best? (12/13/2007 5:22:19 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: takenbyjohnr07
i skimmed over Your likes and i don't remember seeing what type of kink You are into (maybve i readit too fast).

Perfect example of my main point. Granted, this reader is not actively seeking to fill an open position and therefor less motivated to spend more than 15 seconds reading your resume (profile).



Dari -> RE: How do you suggest I go about using CM best? (12/13/2007 5:25:48 AM)

There are two things I would suggest, since you're new to this profile name:

1)  "CantWaitAnymore" makes you sound absolutely desperate.  No woman wants to be the "first available." 

2)  Post on the forums, get to be well known.  Let your posts here speak for themselves for a bit, and keep talking.  You never know when something you say here may strike a chord with someone.  Check those people viewing your profile; if they sound like someone in which you'd be interested - send a PM.  The more you show yourself to be articulate, the more people will be drawn to talk to you in the first place.



TreasureKY -> RE: How do you suggest I go about using CM best? (12/13/2007 9:49:31 AM)

I will second Dari's suggestion that you actively participate in the forums.  While there might not seem to be that many available submissives posting, there are a great deal who just lurk and read.  Every post you make will reveal a little bit more about yourself, and you'll have the opportunity to learn and grow as you do. 

You never know whose interest you might peak.  [;)]

Best wishes,

Treasure
(who found her love right here in these forums and contacted him)



MystressDream -> RE: How do you suggest I go about using CM best? (12/13/2007 10:09:52 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Dari

There are two things I would suggest, since you're new to this profile name:

1)  "CantWaitAnymore" makes you sound absolutely desperate.  No woman wants to be the "first available." 

2)  Post on the forums, get to be well known.  Let your posts here speak for themselves for a bit, and keep talking.  You never know when something you say here may strike a chord with someone.  Check those people viewing your profile; if they sound like someone in which you'd be interested - send a PM.  The more you show yourself to be articulate, the more people will be drawn to talk to you in the first place.


Pay close attention to this post.  It makes a great deal of sense.  Also, your comment about not liking the clubs and munches for meeting people...
 
There are many who attend our clubs who do NOT play in public.  They are a social gathering place to meet others interested in the scene and lifestyle.  I go regularly, but rarely play there.   I still think it is the best way to meet people.



CantWaitAnymore -> RE: How do you suggest I go about using CM best? (12/13/2007 1:12:41 PM)

Hmm, seems like reasonable advice.

I take your point about the screen name.  I dunno, I think it's important to give some context to your life and where you're at.  Oh well, guess I will be doing some restructuring.

Also, do you think kinks are that important to list?  Honestly, I'm just looking for a D/s relationship - I'm pretty open to all sorts of kinks, within certain limits, and don't have any 'required' ones.  So, if they don't like being flogged.. I don't really care, we discuss it up front and make it a limit.



batshalom -> RE: How do you suggest I go about using CM best? (12/13/2007 1:14:54 PM)

Well geez, CW, if you were twenty years older I'd be crazy about you already. ~chuckle~ I think your profile is fine. Not all subs care about going out to scene in public so no big deal there, and I agree with the thought that it's a good idea for you to post here to become known. Good luck.



greipr -> RE: How do you suggest I go about using CM best? (12/13/2007 1:40:03 PM)

chuckle

after years of avoidig munches and the like (only when I am in the U.S) until "after i have the right person to take".. I think I may have to actually.. gulp.. go to a munch and "cruise for a slave/sub" ..not a morally nice thought for me



MystressDream -> RE: How do you suggest I go about using CM best? (12/13/2007 1:45:22 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: CantWaitAnymore

Hmm, seems like reasonable advice.

I take your point about the screen name.  I dunno, I think it's important to give some context to your life and where you're at.  Oh well, guess I will be doing some restructuring.

Also, do you think kinks are that important to list?  Honestly, I'm just looking for a D/s relationship - I'm pretty open to all sorts of kinks, within certain limits, and don't have any 'required' ones.  So, if they don't like being flogged.. I don't really care, we discuss it up front and make it a limit.



I list kinks on my profile, however, I have considered eliminating them altogether.  I have approached people who have immediately said, "We are not a match" based on my interests listed.  My first reaction is... I'm glad I didn't waste time talking to someone who is only interested in the BDSM activities.  But then, I hold to the opinion that M/s and D/s are who and what we are.  BDSM is activities some of us enjoy.  The M/s and/or D/s connection is what is important to me.  The rest is negotiable.  I find it difficult to imagine how many times some of us have passed up the opportunity to meet and get to know a person who could be the "life partner we seek" based on one interest they list that we don't like.  It is a shame, really.  However.... example... If a sub/slave states they "live for" watersports, and it is a limit for me, my first question relating to the BDSM side is.... Can you live without that activity?  If they say "no" then so be it.  But.... the thought of dismissing a possibility based on something like that is rather sad.



Typcynic -> RE: How do you suggest I go about using CM best? (12/13/2007 8:35:39 PM)

I agree with several posters that a lack of reply is just life on the internet.  And that some people so tightly define their wants and desires that they reject all who fall just outside those limits.  Yes, it can be frustrating but think how much money you're saving :)  And do post on the forums since people are more likely to check out your profile when you post much more when you send a quick email.



DiurnalVampire -> RE: How do you suggest I go about using CM best? (12/13/2007 8:50:33 PM)

I'll toss in my 2 cents, as a Domme who has managed to have a lot of success.
The comments about your former relationship arent bad. I dont know if you rewrote that since this thread started or not, but it wouldnt really put me off.
I might consider rewording the NOTE to something a little friendlier, but thats just me.  The one thing that ou dont mention is what you do want to offer your submissive. Are you looking for 24/7 power exchange? Is there a type of play that you prefer to train in? Do you have activity preferences and limits? Things like that would definately make you stand out more from the sea of competition. If you sound like a better match from the get go you will tend to get more attention than if they have no idea about what you want or if you might match.

Just my 2 cents.
DV



CantWaitAnymore -> RE: How do you suggest I go about using CM best? (12/13/2007 9:06:30 PM)

Well, I certainly don't expect everyone who I write something to to send me a reply!  That'd be silly.  I'd be happy if it was a 10% hit rate, honestly.

Many sub profiles have something in them along the lines of "don't want cut and paste, read my profile first, etc".  It's a little hard to keep writing honest emails to someone, mentioning what caught your eyes, when the reply rate dips too low.  But it's understandable considering how much mail the girls have to filter.   So I'm looking for things that I can use to 'get my foot ' in the door, so to speak.  But not gimmicks - just things to stand out, or ways not to put someone off needlessly.

I've just found that that first step, at least with online things, is by far the most difficult one.  It's odd especially for a Dom, because in some ways it's a role reversal - you're in a vulnerable position, seeking, sending your thoughts out, and the submissives are at their leisure to reply or not, very very much in control of the situation.  It's the nature of the imbalanced male/female ratio online, of course.

Usually once I start chatting with someone, after the first few mails back and forth, or when it moves to IM, things go much more normally - I'm not that bad a conversationalist, and if we're the sort of personalities that would work out well, we work out, if not, c'est la vie, we weren't what the other was looking for.

Btw, thank you all for the feedback, taking time out to give me a hand. :)  I agree about changing the screen name, once I settle on one and post up a reworded profile, I'll show you and try and collect some more responses.



liminalRapture -> RE: How do you suggest I go about using CM best? (12/13/2007 9:31:22 PM)

Couple of things:  I would echo the other posters about being more upbeat and positive in what you are rather than what you aren't.  Even "I'm good looking, if you like the geeky type. If you only like the badboy or the jock, I'm not for you."  I don't see any need to put that in, and frankly, I would cut the first 2 paragraphs and add some vanilla interests.  I would also add something about the tone of domination you do offer--not explicit.  The part about a pet is perfect, but I would add a little touch of something darker as well.

Second of all, I would write women who don't have pictures up.  I think we get a TON less mail.  Personally, I always respond to everything that is more than one line, even if it is a 'thanks but no thanks' and I can do that because I usually only get 1 or 2 new guys a day.  Not having a picture doesn't necessarily correlate with a person's overall attractiveness.  I think I'm actually pretty cute (and I have pictures that make me look gorgeous), but there's NO way I'll post a pic because of work. 

Third of all--and I may be more vanilla than most gals here, so take this with a grain of salt, but a gentleman who starts a conversation about something vanilla in my profile will get a real response.   Anyone can have sex--I want someone who I could have the possiblity of building a life with.  Now, I don't expect an exchange of our deepest hopes and values on the first e-mail.  But I mention a lot of nilla stuff in my profile and when someone finds something and says what they like about it, that for me is a far better foundation than 98% of the stuff out there.  I want to know that we will have amazing erotic energy, when we get there.  But for me, I pretty much assume that I'll have a good chance of making that work with most men here.  It is the chemistry on a far more basic/relationship level that I find much harder to match than a list of preferred activities.  I want to know about someone's hobbies, aspirations, dreams, friends, what kinds of art (or specific artists) move them (in the broadest sense of the word--music, movies, theatre, literature, all of it).  Of course, it has to feel non-forced, and the way for that to feel non-forced is to start with her profile and respond to something that touches you.

Finally, and it may be a total cliche, but when a man tells me that my profile moved him or touched him or he loved my writing, I tend to believe him.  Now that may be my ego getting the better of me.  But it is a line that works, at least for me.  (I do check to see if he's actually read it (on the "who is viewing me button).  If he hasn't opened up my profile, I assume he's lying. But my ego always appreciates that line.)



liminalRapture -> RE: How do you suggest I go about using CM best? (12/13/2007 9:41:18 PM)

One more thing--if I like someone's profile (and I've read quite a few of the profiles on here), I'll read the full profile.  That is the closest thing to a 'wink' that I'll do. 

If you are posting on the boards, that is also the way people read your profile from the message boards, so it isn't fool-proof.  But if you notice a light-pink name shows up on your "Who is viewing me"--that probably means either that she read your posting on the boards or she liked your profile enough in browse mechanism to read the entire thing. I'd give her a look-see and, if you are intereted, drop her a note.



mistermaster111 -> RE: How do you suggest I go about using CM best? (12/14/2007 5:44:50 AM)

quote:

Second of all, I would write women who don't have pictures up.  I think we get a TON less mail.  Personally, I always respond to everything that is more than one line, even if it is a 'thanks but no thanks' and I can do that because I usually only get 1 or 2 new guys a day.  Not having a picture doesn't necessarily correlate with a person's overall attractiveness.  I think I'm actually pretty cute (and I have pictures that make me look gorgeous), but there's NO way I'll post a pic because of work.
That's one of the things I do, and not only because I don't have a pic up (same reasons as you; I'm a professional). There are a lot more important things than looks out there.

I think my profile may be a little generic, but I really don't know how to spruce it up, so I'm in the same boat as you are, OP.



takenbyjohnr07 -> RE: How do you suggest I go about using CM best? (12/14/2007 6:41:49 AM)

Did You ever think that it's not Your profile, but the intial E-mail You send out? Could You give us an example of a first contact E-mail You send. i bet that there are clues in there.



secretagentgirl -> RE: How do you suggest I go about using CM best? (12/14/2007 8:27:21 AM)

I would seriously add a picture.  There are really not that many guys who have a picture and when someone is browsing, having a picture gets a lot more attention (in my opinion.)  I think you move to the top of the list when you are in that small set with a pic.  Otherwise, it's hard for people to find you.
Also, as you'll see, posting in the message boards helps let people get to know you and may encourage them to click on your profile - again having a pic there would help convey who you are.
I think you need to be able to sense who is really a good match for you and be a little persistent unless you get a real clue of non interest.  Many women get tons of messages and it is easy to lose track of people who don't follow up (of course walking that fine line of not stalking them either.)
I suspect from the tone of your profile that if you persist, you will find the right person.  Just keep at it!




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