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RE: Please help me understand... - 12/13/2007 10:10:20 PM   
sexyred1


Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: BondageSlaveMN

quote:

ORIGINAL: sexyred1

Sorry, but I am going to be the bitch here and say that he sounds like a selfish schmuck who could not wait the 12 hours to get off with her, and therefore provide her with the pleasure of releasing his pent-up passion with her instead of some anonymous massage therapist (yeah, happy endings, sure, real professional, yawn).

In addition, the OP says he waits 4 weeks to see her, sees other subs, so on top of what he did before seeing her, it sounds as if he is just not that into her and likes having lots of little cupcakes to take bites out of.

Which is cool, if you are the kind a gal who wants to keep giving and giving and giving and taking massage classes to keep trying to please this clod.

If it was me, and it would never be me, I would be insulted as hell and dump his sorry ass.

No one needs any happy endings if I am around, they get ecstatic endings.

Funny, how so many posters never look at the behavior of the Dom as being bullshitty and never pointing this out to the OP who perhaps needs a wake up call.


I disagree with this entirely. Whether the Dom was being an asshole or not is not of importance. A D/s relationship is different than a nilla relationship. If it is her purpose to please (which is sounds like it is), then she should not be concerned with his lack of enthusiasm.

 Either way, it is not his job or role as Dom to change who he is for his sub/slave. This is the nature of the D/s dynamic, is it not?



You are wrong. A D/s relationship is only different than a vanilla relationship because kink and power exchange are involved; what is NOT different is respect, communication and seeing the truth of things like selfishness, red flags and people acting like assholes.

How ludicrous for you to say if her purpose is to please that she should not be upset over his lack of enthusiasm. If he is so unenthusiastic with her, he should move on and let HER find someone who IS as enthusiastic with her as she is with him.

As far as whose job is it to change? Again, dumb comment. People should not have to change for each other in a relationship; you work together to serve each other's needs.

If you think that the Dom doing whatever he/she likes without regard for the sub is the basis for all D/s relationships, then I suggest you get more acquainted with real relationships.

Or perhaps, you are an emotional masochist who would enjoy being crapped on by someone who made you feel less than valued.

I believe that the OP should indeed speak to her Dom, but I stand by my opinion, he is not that into her and she is in for a heartache.

(in reply to BondageSlaveMN)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: Please help me understand... - 12/13/2007 10:12:12 PM   
BossyShoeBitch


Posts: 3931
Joined: 1/13/2007
From: South Florida
Status: offline 		double posted somehow...

< Message edited by BossyShoeBitch -- 12/13/2007 10:15:21 PM >

_____________________________

A clever man can get out of situations a wise man never gets into...
A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.

(in reply to BondageSlaveMN)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: Please help me understand... - 12/13/2007 10:14:18 PM   
BossyShoeBitch


Posts: 3931
Joined: 1/13/2007
From: South Florida
Status: offline

Seriously?  Seriously?
He wanted a massage, he got one.  He wanted to cum, he got that.  Personally, I could get a massage right now and then another at 1PM tomorrow and enjoy that one just as much..  The only thing I would have taken issue with is why he did not tell me.  Even if I get upset about it, I would  resign myself to the fact that he is going to go get a massage and a happy ending.  Why? Because he is the Dom and the decision lies with him. By not telling me, he takes away my choice to try and understand  or even accept it..

As for learning to give better massages, try to get a massage every 3 - 4 weeks.. Then do to him what felt nice to you..

Good luck..


< Message edited by BossyShoeBitch -- 12/13/2007 10:16:02 PM >

_____________________________

A clever man can get out of situations a wise man never gets into...
A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.

(in reply to BossyShoeBitch)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: Please help me understand... - 12/13/2007 10:56:58 PM   
TethersEnd


Posts: 102
Joined: 1/29/2007
Status: offline 		I think taking classes is as childish as slamming the door shut...
talk, or walk.............

(in reply to BossyShoeBitch)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: Please help me understand... - 12/14/2007 12:05:03 AM   
SailingBum


Posts: 3225
Joined: 12/10/2007
From: Sailin the stormy sea
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: sexyred1

Sorry, but I am going to be the bitch here and say that he sounds like a selfish schmuck who could not wait the 12 hours to get off with her, and therefore provide her with the pleasure of releasing his pent-up passion with her instead of some anonymous massage therapist (yeah, happy endings, sure, real professional, yawn).

In addition, the OP says he waits 4 weeks to see her, sees other subs, so on top of what he did before seeing her, it sounds as if he is just not that into her and likes having lots of little cupcakes to take bites out of.

Which is cool, if you are the kind a gal who wants to keep giving and giving and giving and taking massage classes to keep trying to please this clod.

If it was me, and it would never be me, I would be insulted as hell and dump his sorry ass.

No one needs any happy endings if I am around, they get ecstatic endings.

Funny, how so many posters never look at the behavior of the Dom as being bullshitty and never pointing this out to the OP who perhaps needs a wake up call.


I dont think he was being selfish.  It is obvious to me anyway that they don't have a relationship there more like play partners < the other subs he is seeing, she can't stop by to just say hi because the kids are around>  I agree it is not a situation that I would be in however it seems to be working for her.  To each their own.

BadOne

(in reply to sexyred1)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: Please help me understand... - 12/14/2007 1:16:04 AM   
GoddessTeaze


Posts: 1125
Joined: 10/14/2006
From: The Netherlands
Status: offline
My question in this one is,
till where are you submissive, and where do you start to be a doormat?

How should a submissive squirm herself in all kinds of ways
in order to please her Dominant.

Apparently this already was a poly relationship,
which you knew, and you had settled for, is what I read in your question.
Then you try to do your best in order to serve Him as best as you can,
and now you feel, since you found out from Him paying for a massage/cum job
elsewhere, so a visit to a prostitute in My opinion,
you feel like you're not good enough anymore.

To Me it seems He can't get enough, and will do anything
which He wants, without thinking about the other people's feelings.
Ofcourse this is what I asume, because I don't know Him, so I wouldn't
like to judge him, although this is how it feels to Me.

So where is the line in being a doormat, and taking everything
a Dominant tells you too, without really thinking if this is how you
REALLY want to be treated.

It seems to Me, that respect is far to be found
in some relationships, while it should be there to begin with.

I wish you goodluck girl,
and do what's right for you.

Warm Greetingz

GoddezzT`


_____________________________

~* The only disability in life is a bad attitude. ~Scott Hamilton*~

~*Beauty is not in the face; beauty is a light in the heart. ~Kahlil Gibran*~

(in reply to darkclouds)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: Please help me understand... - 12/14/2007 5:51:08 AM   
Sabella


Posts: 265
Joined: 7/26/2005
Status: offline 		Sounds to me like this is your pickle :) See this thread. He may be completely unaware of how much you giving him a massage means to you. To him it was probably just a massage with trimmings. Explaining this may not change his view on massages from other people, but hopefully you won't hear about them anymore.

_____________________________

“The giant Grof was hit in one eye by a stone,
and that eye turned inward so that it looked into his mind and he died of what he saw there.”
From The Forgotten Beasts of Eld, by Patricia A. McKillip

(in reply to darkclouds)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: Please help me understand... - 12/14/2007 6:46:25 AM   
desertdancer


Posts: 1095
Joined: 5/12/2006
Status: offline 		It could just be that he was stressed and needed a massage, simple as that.  Maybe he felt he should do it to let out some pent up frustrations so that he could come to you more relaxed and clear headed.

I think untill you sit down with him and really talk this out and let him  know that you feel this is your "pickle' and that it hurt your feelings, it's not really nice to judge him harshly.    It could all be innocent ( well as innocent as a happy ending can be)

Me, I'd be fine with my Master getting a massage from someone ele, the happy end though, now that's my "pickle" .


_____________________________

* Shimmy Shimmy *

(in reply to Sabella)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: Please help me understand... - 12/14/2007 1:50:31 PM   
kyraofMists


Posts: 3292
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline 		First, I want to thank you for starting this thread. 

quote:

ORIGINAL: darkclouds
I am more upset about the massage he got then the happy ending. Massages are a big part of my service to him, I love giving them and am bothered that he went somewhere else and that it affected the massage I gave him (he didnt make the same noises that he normally does when I give him one). And now it has me thinking that I never want to give him a massage again because mine obviously wasnt as good as the one given by the liscensed massuse.


This resonated with me so much.  When I first became his slave, giving him a massage was something that I loved to do.  He was the first person that I had given a full body massage too and it was just something very important and significant to me.  Which I didn't realize until later...

Over two years ago, he had someone other than Alandra give him a massage and it was incredibly painful for me.  After that giving a massage became a challenge and has been a duty that I performed since.  It was something that I did willingly and for his pleasure, but I no longer received any pleasure from the act.

I allowed that one instance to rob me of something that I enjoyed and I have failed to claim it back in the past two years.  It isn't the act of a massage that is important.  It is the connection between me and him that was demonstrated during a massage that is important.  He did not have that connection with the other person, so while the act may have been the same the motivation and connection during the act was very different.

I have not thought much about this over the last couple of years and your thread has provided me the impetus to move on from that moment and reclaim a pleasure that I once enjoyed.  I don't intend to let one painful moment keep me from enjoying giving him massages.  Do you want to let one moment ruin something you enjoy? 

Knight's Kyra

_____________________________

"Passion... it lies in all of us. Sleeping, waiting, and though unbidden, it will stir, open its jaws, and howl. It speaks to us, guides us... passion rules us all. And we obey..." ~Angelus

(in reply to darkclouds)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: Please help me understand... - 12/14/2007 2:13:58 PM   
OldBastardly1


Posts: 651
Joined: 7/22/2006
From: Atlanta, GA
Status: offline 		kyra,

All that happened was that he got a massage from somebody else, and that has hurt you? I really am not being mean, but this escapes me. 

_____________________________

Old Bastard

"You cannot make footprints in the sands of time if you're sitting on your butt. And who wants to make buttprints in the sands of time?" -- Bob Moawad



(in reply to kyraofMists)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: Please help me understand... - 12/14/2007 2:24:25 PM   
Gardenista


Posts: 146
Joined: 12/6/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: darkclouds

this is more a question about men then BDSM. Short version: Hadnt seen Domly type for 4 weeks. Finally got to see him yesterday, great fun was had but I did notice that he didnt have quite as big of a reaction as I would have thought after 4 weeks apart. Come to find out that he visited a massage therapist who offers 'happy endings' the night before I was to come and see him.

Why do men do this? Seriously, he couldnt have waited 12 more hours AND not had paid 150$ for the pleasure. Do you think it was just about the release? Could it be that he was so excited at the prospect of seeing me that he couldnt wait? (this is what I am telling myself) Any thoughts would be appreciated and I know I will get lots of suggestions to talk to him about it, and I think I will, but right now I cant tell if I am really just overreacting or not. Would like some input to see from the other side.

Thank you


This is just my perspective on it, based on what info you gave out, but I see it as... he visited a prostitute the night before you saw each other. I'd be a bit upset, too. Poly or not... he chose to pay a prostitute for services the very night before you and he spent some quality time together.


(in reply to darkclouds)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: Please help me understand... - 12/14/2007 2:43:12 PM   
kyraofMists


Posts: 3292
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: OldBastardly1

kyra,

All that happened was that he got a massage from somebody else, and that has hurt you? I really am not being mean, but this escapes me. 


The massage was only one small part of what happened.  The rest is private, but the pain of those events became linked with massages for me.  Now I wish to break that link.

Even if a massage is all that happened, it isn't all that unusual for someone to choose to be hurt by the actions of another.  Many times people tend to equate being special to a person with a particular activity...  "I am special to him because we do this together."  When the person does that thing with someone else, it makes them question whether they are special or not. 

I personally, do not think that type of thinking is always healthy or even beneficial to relationships.  I have worked to overcome that way of thinking.  I am not perfect at it, but I am better than I used to be.

Knight's Kyra

_____________________________

"Passion... it lies in all of us. Sleeping, waiting, and though unbidden, it will stir, open its jaws, and howl. It speaks to us, guides us... passion rules us all. And we obey..." ~Angelus

(in reply to OldBastardly1)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: Please help me understand... - 12/14/2007 4:55:48 PM   
chellekitty


Posts: 3923
Joined: 3/27/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: OldBastardly1

kyra,

All that happened was that he got a massage from somebody else, and that has hurt you? I really am not being mean, but this escapes me. 


OB, please read the pickle thread on the poly board.....it's not about the massage....


_____________________________

One thing I know: the only ones among you who will be really happy are those who will have sought and found how to serve. ~Albert Schweitzer

(in reply to OldBastardly1)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: Please help me understand... - 12/14/2007 5:55:00 PM   
OldBastardly1


Posts: 651
Joined: 7/22/2006
From: Atlanta, GA
Status: offline 		chellekitty,

Thank you for sharing the pickle thread with me. As I started out reading it, I was sooo like "WTF?, it is a damn pickle!". Part of the way through it, I shared it with my alpha, honestly, still thinking "WTF?". she pointed out a few of her pickles to me. I think she has wayyyyy too many freaking pickles, lol )
After reading the entire thread, shaking my head often, and after discussing it with her, I am a bit perplexed, but I *am* trying to wrap my head around it. I am starting to see a different side to the dang pickle, lol. I am not sure how long I will digest this or what side I will end up on, but I thank you and all the posters on that thread for giving me another perspective that I had been clueless about. And to the pickle OP, you are very gifted.

_____________________________

Old Bastard

"You cannot make footprints in the sands of time if you're sitting on your butt. And who wants to make buttprints in the sands of time?" -- Bob Moawad



(in reply to chellekitty)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: Please help me understand... - 12/14/2007 9:29:20 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		It could be as simple as just being greedy and taking advantage.  I know I've paid for massages when I have my partner at home who loves giving them to me any day, and my subs boy comes over regularly to provide them for me as well.  Sometimes having the no strings, get in, get out, in the middle of the day massage with no personal contacts is exactly what I want.

Or it could be as complex as him self destructing a possible good thing.

You really just need to talk it out with him.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to OldBastardly1)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: Please help me understand... - 12/14/2007 9:32:31 PM   
Lordandmaster


Posts: 10943
Joined: 6/22/2004
Status: offline 		Maybe he wanted to be satiated before he saw you so that he could make a more level-headed decision about you.  You know how a cook can never be hungry in the kitchen (because everything tastes better when you're hungry)?  Maybe he was using the same kind of reasoning.

Who knows?  Why not ask him?

quote:

ORIGINAL: darkclouds

Come to find out that he visited a massage therapist who offers 'happy endings' the night before I was to come and see him.

Why do men do this? Seriously, he couldnt have waited 12 more hours AND not had paid 150$ for the pleasure.

(in reply to darkclouds)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: Please help me understand... - 12/14/2007 9:35:57 PM   
StrongSpirit


Posts: 575
Joined: 4/10/2005
Status: offline 		He might simply have a. been following the silly advice in "There something about Mary" and trying to make it lst.

Or he might be a shmuck and simply could not wait.

(in reply to Lordandmaster)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: Please help me understand... - 12/15/2007 2:01:41 AM   
DiosDeEsclavas


Posts: 13
Joined: 12/4/2007
Status: offline 		I just read the first page of the pickle thread, and this is totally her pickle.  Pleas notice people, it's not about the sex, it's about the massage.  slaves need to be needed.  If some nameless tart can do her job, maybe she isn't need?  The problem is I don't know of any guy who would think that a massage would be a problem when sex is ok.  In this case it's a problem.  He may still be a jerk, we just don't know.

To the original poster, I hope you have gotten the idea of what people are saying (talk to him, talk to him, talk to him, talk to him, talk to him,... ).  I might suggest sharing the pickle story with him as an opener.  I also hope you don't leave us all in the dark about the outcome.

(in reply to StrongSpirit)
Profile   Post #: 38
RE: Please help me understand... - 12/15/2007 4:46:39 AM   
darkclouds


Posts: 29
Joined: 11/6/2006
Status: offline 		I want to thank everyone who replied. And for suggesting I read the pickle thread, it was a great thread to read, helped me see the real problem and I do plan on sharing it with him to help explain myself. I am going to see him on Monday and will be talking with him about this then. Thank you all again and I will come back and fill in the outcome.

(in reply to DiosDeEsclavas)
Profile   Post #: 39
RE: Please help me understand... - 12/15/2007 8:41:04 AM   
beltainefaerie


Posts: 610
Joined: 4/15/2006
Status: offline 		If he didn't have other subs he sees, I would suggest that perhaps he didn't want to pop he cock to soon, to use the phrase others are going with on this thread.  He could have done that for himself, but there are actually those that don't masturbate, for all kinds of reasons, including just "why do it myself when I can get someone else to do it for me" whether paid or no.  The only thing that makes a relationship work is communication, so I'd talk to him about it.

(in reply to BondageSlaveMN)
Profile   Post #: 40
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