Please help me understand... (Full Version)

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darkclouds -> Please help me understand... (12/13/2007 10:49:32 AM)

this is more a question about men then BDSM. Short version: Hadnt seen Domly type for 4 weeks. Finally got to see him yesterday, great fun was had but I did notice that he didnt have quite as big of a reaction as I would have thought after 4 weeks apart. Come to find out that he visited a massage therapist who offers 'happy endings' the night before I was to come and see him.

Why do men do this? Seriously, he couldnt have waited 12 more hours AND not had paid 150$ for the pleasure. Do you think it was just about the release? Could it be that he was so excited at the prospect of seeing me that he couldnt wait? (this is what I am telling myself) Any thoughts would be appreciated and I know I will get lots of suggestions to talk to him about it, and I think I will, but right now I cant tell if I am really just overreacting or not. Would like some input to see from the other side.

Thank you



Jeffff -> RE: Please help me understand... (12/13/2007 11:00:23 AM)

The problem is.you need to talk to him about it. Do you feel....cheated? like he is wasting it elsewhere? Only  you know if you are over reacting. It depends greatly on the dynamics of your relationship.By the very nature of the question you are not happy with what happened. Ask your self, if this is going to be a regular thing can you handle it?. Then act accordingly.

Jeff



ctrlaltdelete -> RE: Please help me understand... (12/13/2007 11:13:36 AM)

I do not know why he did this or why other men do this. Personally, I have never paid cash to have my cork popped and never will.

Question is this - are you upset that he did not save his cork for you? Or are you upset because he has anyone other then you pop his cork?



darkclouds -> RE: Please help me understand... (12/13/2007 11:32:22 AM)

I am more upset about the massage he got then the happy ending. Massages are a big part of my service to him, I love giving them and am bothered that he went somewhere else and that it affected the massage I gave him (he didnt make the same noises that he normally does when I give him one). And now it has me thinking that I never want to give him a massage again because mine obviously wasnt as good as the one given by the liscensed massuse.

Popping his cork after so long was something I was looking forward too, but since he has another that he plays with often, that is something I am used to.



ctrlaltdelete -> RE: Please help me understand... (12/13/2007 11:38:45 AM)

It sounds like he was trying to send a semi-covert message. Ask him if he feels you are becoming too possessive, whether he feels you are expecting more than he is ready to give to you at this point, or if it something entirely else.

Slamming the door shut ("has me thinking never to give him another massage again") is a juvenlie knee-jerk and shuts off communication - just when you should be attempting to get communication wide open and see if his actions are saying something that his words aren't.

Edited for P.S.:
 
P.S.: I love to get my cork popped and a good massage just as much as the next guy, and most certainly also him. That is just simply male nature. (Only I would rather spend the money on a case of Cabernet Sauvignon than a case of the crabs).



OldBastardly1 -> RE: Please help me understand... (12/13/2007 12:26:41 PM)

Maybe he needed a more prefessional massage to address some physical issues he was having. Maybe he loves the attention you give him, but he needed more skilled hands. Would you rather him be lacking in something that he feels that he needs, simply because you can't provide what it is that he needs?
Maybe he just did not want to do self service on himself again.

You didn't say what the specifics of your relationship was. You did say that he played with others, sexually as well, and that you hadn't seen him in 4 weeks. That makes me ask why so long?

Was the massuse an asian girl? If so, he gets a free pass. [sm=banana.gif]



batshalom -> RE: Please help me understand... (12/13/2007 12:34:42 PM)

Ask him about the differences in the massages - as OB1 said, maybe he needed more skilled hands and you could do well with a class or massage therapist's license. It could also be that he was going for some kind of shock value / mind fuck with you. Or it could be that he's just not into you as much as he'd like. Or it could be that he's an insensitive jerk-off. Impossible to say. Speak to him calmly without whining or great emotion, say that it bothers you and ask what you can do to improve the situation for both of you.



darkclouds -> RE: Please help me understand... (12/13/2007 1:18:28 PM)

I hadnt seen him in so long because he had a family emergency and his daughter had to come and stay with him, she is normally only there on weekends. I found out about his activites the night before by accident. Dont know if he would have ever told me, and a part of me thinks he wouldnt have because he knows I would take it badly.

Thank you for the replies so far, I have spent a portion of the day looking into local massage classes, but I havent had much luck other then ones that are full time and 6 months or longer. I might pick up a few books at Borders tomorrow until I can figure other things out.




mnottertail -> RE: Please help me understand... (12/13/2007 1:19:23 PM)

consider tongue baths.

HelpfulHintsfromHeloise 



darkclouds -> RE: Please help me understand... (12/13/2007 1:22:42 PM)

Thanks for the tip, but that is already included. Usually a massage for him is massaging, then rubbing all over him with my naked body followed by a tongue bath mixed with light, teasing scratches all over his body. Hell, I even suck his toes.

And I LOVE to do it, cause he normally enjoys it so much. I figured enthusiam made up for inability.



SailingBum -> RE: Please help me understand... (12/13/2007 1:59:04 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: OldBastardly1

Maybe he needed a more prefessional massage to address some physical issues he was having.
Was the massuse an asian girl? If so, he gets a free pass. [sm=banana.gif]


It must be the phsyical issue!  The need to pop the cork.  Well come to think of it he could have spanked one off himself.



OldBastardly1 -> RE: Please help me understand... (12/13/2007 2:22:19 PM)

Post an ad asking for 1 on 1 massage instruction. Express your desire to learn so that you might be more pleasing to males. I am sure that many will offer to help.



Estring -> RE: Please help me understand... (12/13/2007 6:23:48 PM)

Maybe he has a "paying" for a massage fetish.



windchymes -> RE: Please help me understand... (12/13/2007 6:33:21 PM)

I think this is just another one of those "Mars/Venus" things, men and women just looking at situations differently.

A woman would think, "I'm tired and stressed, a massage would be really nice.  Oh, but it's $150,  kinda pricey.  I could buy shoes and bags and get my nails done with that.  Plus my legs aren't shaved.  Hey, no problem, I'm seeing Joe in 12 hours, he'll give me a nice massage then, so I'll just wait until then."

A man would think, "I want a massage."  So he goes and gets a massage.



sexyred1 -> RE: Please help me understand... (12/13/2007 6:44:51 PM)

Sorry, but I am going to be the bitch here and say that he sounds like a selfish schmuck who could not wait the 12 hours to get off with her, and therefore provide her with the pleasure of releasing his pent-up passion with her instead of some anonymous massage therapist (yeah, happy endings, sure, real professional, yawn).

In addition, the OP says he waits 4 weeks to see her, sees other subs, so on top of what he did before seeing her, it sounds as if he is just not that into her and likes having lots of little cupcakes to take bites out of.

Which is cool, if you are the kind a gal who wants to keep giving and giving and giving and taking massage classes to keep trying to please this clod.

If it was me, and it would never be me, I would be insulted as hell and dump his sorry ass.

No one needs any happy endings if I am around, they get ecstatic endings.

Funny, how so many posters never look at the behavior of the Dom as being bullshitty and never pointing this out to the OP who perhaps needs a wake up call.



CalifChick -> RE: Please help me understand... (12/13/2007 7:39:57 PM)

I think it bears repeating... He's just not that into you.  Title of a great book, by the way.  I've given copies of it to many people.  If they still don't believe it after reading it, a good whack upside the head with it usually does the trick.

Cali



Rianne -> RE: Please help me understand... (12/13/2007 7:45:02 PM)

I'm thinking it was a selfish thing to do.  Consideration may not be part of your dynamic, but I'd be hurt and pissed.  I wouldn't be off to massage school, though.



chellekitty -> RE: Please help me understand... (12/13/2007 7:59:38 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: darkclouds

this is more a question about men then BDSM. Short version: Hadnt seen Domly type for 4 weeks. Finally got to see him yesterday, great fun was had but I did notice that he didnt have quite as big of a reaction as I would have thought after 4 weeks apart. Come to find out that he visited a massage therapist who offers 'happy endings' the night before I was to come and see him.

Why do men do this? Seriously, he couldnt have waited 12 more hours AND not had paid 150$ for the pleasure. Do you think it was just about the release? Could it be that he was so excited at the prospect of seeing me that he couldnt wait? (this is what I am telling myself) Any thoughts would be appreciated and I know I will get lots of suggestions to talk to him about it, and I think I will, but right now I cant tell if I am really just overreacting or not. Would like some input to see from the other side.

Thank you


ok so you're going to talk to him about it...right? not just think you will....

but from the information given....he sounds like a selfish dick who's not really into the service you give him or he doesn't know how much it means to you....tell him how much it means to you...men are that daft....

good luck, let us know...
chelle



beargonewild -> RE: Please help me understand... (12/13/2007 8:13:20 PM)

~FR~ 
The fact of the matter is what ever reason he went to a professional massuer and had his massage and his cork popped, only he knows for sure. It makes more sense to me that the OP should sit and discuss this with him, obviously it is bothering her greatly and why not clear the air now before it gets blown out of proportion? Instead of jumping to conclusions, ask the Domly one why he done what he done, express how it makes you feel and then decide how to proceed from there.





BondageSlaveMN -> RE: Please help me understand... (12/13/2007 9:57:06 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: sexyred1

Sorry, but I am going to be the bitch here and say that he sounds like a selfish schmuck who could not wait the 12 hours to get off with her, and therefore provide her with the pleasure of releasing his pent-up passion with her instead of some anonymous massage therapist (yeah, happy endings, sure, real professional, yawn).

In addition, the OP says he waits 4 weeks to see her, sees other subs, so on top of what he did before seeing her, it sounds as if he is just not that into her and likes having lots of little cupcakes to take bites out of.

Which is cool, if you are the kind a gal who wants to keep giving and giving and giving and taking massage classes to keep trying to please this clod.

If it was me, and it would never be me, I would be insulted as hell and dump his sorry ass.

No one needs any happy endings if I am around, they get ecstatic endings.

Funny, how so many posters never look at the behavior of the Dom as being bullshitty and never pointing this out to the OP who perhaps needs a wake up call.


I disagree with this entirely. Whether the Dom was being an asshole or not is not of importance. A D/s relationship is different than a nilla relationship. If it is her purpose to please (which is sounds like it is), then she should not be concerned with his lack of enthusiasm.

That said, if her needs are not being met with the relationship, then she should jump ship and move on. Just because she's submissive/slave doesn't mean she shouldn't be just as happy as the Dom. This is obviously the case here. She is not having her needs met so she has two options: 1.) talk to her Dom or 2.) jump ship. I recommend exercising option 1 then option 2 if things are not resolved. Perhaps her Dom has simply overlooked some things and genuinely feels like an asshole and does not do this again. Perhaps his attitude is that he can do whatever he wants and she needs to accept and like. Either way, it is not his job or role as Dom to change who he is for his sub/slave. This is the nature of the D/s dynamic, is it not?



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