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Why do relationship end? - 12/13/2007 12:33:22 PM

aquestionforyou

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Guess this is a question that we've all asked ourselves many times isn't it?

If there is one answer to this question then the answer would be "Not enough communication"

It's natural to think about your last relationship and wonder what you could have done differently.

Well it's my belief that many times we go out of communication with our partner,we all have communication problems to some extent or other, we are only human after all.

It could be even something simple like bad breath or body odour or a partners inability to express what they really want be it something very intimate like a fetish/fantasy or anything as mundane as bad manners.

Many of these things are embarrassing to talk about,which is sad as a little more communication could save so many thousands of otherwise great relationships.

What's worse,risking embarrassment or losing the whole relationship?

People in the BDSM community are of course generally much better at communication than the vanilla world,however there is still room for improvement.

So I would love to hear your thoughts on this.

Post #: 1

RE: Why do relationship end? - 12/13/2007 12:35:11 PM

KatyLied

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quote:

People in the BDSM community are of course generally much better at communication than the vanilla world,

I'm not feeling that. Nope.

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RE: Why do relationship end? - 12/13/2007 12:36:07 PM

carlie310

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One changes. The other doesn't, or changes differently.

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RE: Why do relationship end? - 12/13/2007 12:41:00 PM

juliaoceania

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From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
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quote:

ORIGINAL: KatyLied

quote:

People in the BDSM community are of course generally much better at communication than the vanilla world,

I'm not feeling that. Nope.

From what I have read... Im not feeling it either

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RE: Why do relationship end? - 12/13/2007 12:48:48 PM

lauren0221

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Relationships end, and begin for all kinds of reasons.

I wouldn't give up a good one over little things, but when the essentials are missing, or trust gets broken, or someone's needs are not being met, and it is not fixable - then time to end it.

(in reply to aquestionforyou)

Post #: 5

RE: Why do relationship end? - 12/13/2007 12:50:15 PM

DiurnalVampire

Posts: 8125
Joined: 1/19/2006
From: Nashville, TN
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quote:

ORIGINAL: aquestionforyou

It could be even something simple like bad breath or body odour or a partners inability to express what they really want be it something very intimate like a fetish/fantasy or anything as mundane as bad manners.

Many of these things are embarrassing to talk about,which is sad as a little more communication could save so many thousands of otherwise great relationships.

What's worse,risking embarrassment or losing the whole relationship?

People in the BDSM community are of course generally much better at communication than the vanilla world,however there is still room for improvement.

My thoughts: You generalize and you really shouldnt.
People in the BDSM community are no better or worse at communication than anyone else. We are not endowed with super communication powers when we decide to put a D or an s with our name. Assuming that being part of the community means communication will be easier is already asking for disaster.
In my personal history, relationships have ended more becasue open communication has revealed that the partner I was with and I were not nearly as suited to one another's interests as we had thought at the time we met. Had we had less communication, it would have ben easier to sweep little things under the proverbial rug and leave them be. However we talked and becasue we did talk we realized that there were things that we both needed and wanted that we were not getting. As such, we parted ways.
I have had a relationship or two fail becasue of lack of communication, yes. We all have. That, and fighting over money, power struggles within the dynamic, loss of interest in important activities (sexual and social), and a whole host of other things.
Risking embarassment is less important that losing a relationship, however if you are at a point where you are mbarassed to bring a problem up to your partner, then open communication about that topic might not solve the isues. It might be just one step towards many deeper problems, since in a good relationship a minor thing like teling your partner he needs a tictac should not be anywhere near calling it quits over. If you have to worry about being afraid or embarassed to tak t someone, you are already in the wrong relationship. Communication might get better, or worse, but chances are thats a pretty big flag already that you feel you cant talk openly.

My humble opinion, of course. Take it as you will

DV

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RE: Why do relationship end? - 12/13/2007 12:55:48 PM

OldBastardly1

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ditto to the ladies above....I ain't buying that either.

My thoughts are that all things have a beginning & an ending, such is the nature of life. Why view the end of a relationship is a bad thing? Why not be glad for all the good that you reaped from the relationship? When you are in your next relationship, you will be so happy. You would miss out on the next person and the personal growth aspect if you had still been in the prior relationship.

My glass is half full....of what, I ain't saying.

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RE: Why do relationship end? - 12/13/2007 12:56:59 PM

SmokingGun82

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Ignoring the generalization (which I disagree with), there is such a thing as too much communication. Sometimes relationships end because you communicate and get to know each other, and don't like what you find. That's not a bad thing, really- finding out sooner is always better than later.

And sometimes things just don't work. My most recent ex and I were that way- I love her, she loves me, but as a couple? It doesn't work. Sometimes people just can't be together, and nothing either one does would change that.

Nothing gold can stay, after all.

_____________________________

It frightens me, the awful truth of how sweet life can be.
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Proper capitalization is the difference between "I had to help my Uncle Jack off a horse" and "I had to help my uncle jack off a horse."

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Post #: 8

RE: Why do relationship end? - 12/13/2007 1:02:53 PM

Mercnbeth

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here's a few ideas:

*because it is time for them to be over?
not every relationship is destined to be for life...some are just for a particular frame of time in one's life.

*because they were a mismatch from the beginning?
some folks get into relationships either thinking that they will effect a particular desired change in the other person, or not knowing themselves well enough...communication or not, sometimes folks get involved when they shouldn't, and relationships end because they never should have made the kind of commitment they made to begin with.

*because some trauma/drama that could not be overcome damaged it beyond repair?
sometimes, all the communication in the world won't help or heal a wounded, toxic relationship.

(in reply to aquestionforyou)

Post #: 9

RE: Why do relationship end? - 12/13/2007 1:19:51 PM

Mercnbeth

Posts: 11766
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quote:

"Not enough communication"

A?4u,
Not possible, unless its pointed to the listening part of communicating.

Mostly relationships end because there is too much versus not enough; too much compromise, too much hypocrisy, too much fraud. Desperation to be in a relationship is the fundamental cause. Being afraid, not knowing, or not liking yourself enough to be comfortable alone and the feeling of "missing out on all the fun"; makes some people 'act' to fit in with a partner. It is very difficult to 'act' long term.

On the "not enough" side of issues; there is the expectation of changing the other person. Not enough time is taken to observe the behavior of the other beyond the initial frenzy of first meeting. Not enough consideration is given to the consequence and meaning of words. Not enough time is invested upon creating a dictionary and agreeing upon definitions for terms and words commonly used within the relationship.

Another consideration must be made for references and resources. "Lifestyle" is no different than any other relationship but there are some unique activities. There is some overlap on fundamental aspects such as who works, who cooks, or who picks up the ums. It is socially acceptable in vanilla relationships and there are plenty of opportunities to ask others in a similar situations that you run across in daily life if its okay to ask your husband to help with dishes if you also work and cooked the meal. Sexual issues, up to a point, are also okay to discuss openly. Hell - you can always just turn into Dr. Phil. Who is the correspondent lifestyle counselor? (Anyone answer CM forums?

) Where do you go similarly for insight to understand your emotions and feelings when your Master, who disclosed he enjoyed being with others from first contact, now wants you to watch him do so for the first time?

Then of course there is the obvious answer. Some relationships end because they should. The morning arrives when you turn coyote and chew off your arm rather than disturb the person who a short time earlier was your 'one'. Sometimes that 'one' was just a stopping point in a countdown to zero instead of the launching point to infinity.

Edited to add: Sorry - didn't realize beth had already posted her own perspective on this issue.

quote:

As for more communication causing the end of a relationship?
That would sometimes be true but what kind of relationship do you have if you can't speak about much?

A?4u,
I don't know where, or if, that additional quote references my post. The only reference to communication I made was regarding the listening aspect. My "not possible" was a reference that there can never be enough communication. I don't think that people lie when they say "I hear 'ya." But stopping there is no assurance. You have to hear and see in action; "I understand you".

"Communication" is meaningless in any quantity if the person listening doesn't understanding or have a common definition.

< Message edited by Mercnbeth -- 12/13/2007 1:40:12 PM >

(in reply to aquestionforyou)

Post #: 10

RE: Why do relationship end? - 12/13/2007 1:24:31 PM

aquestionforyou

Posts: 2
Joined: 12/9/2007
Status: offline

Thanks for all those very frank answers.

I realise that it was a generalisation about Lifestylers having better communication skills but it is true that overall we do communicate far more about what we can give and take than the Vanillarites,we are far more sexually open and adventurous.as for the non-sexual side of the relationship,maybe less so here but i'd still say better in this area too in my experience.

As for more communication causing the end of a relationship?
That would sometimes be true but what kind of relationship do you have if you can't speak about much?

(in reply to Mercnbeth)

Post #: 11

RE: Why do relationship end? - 12/13/2007 1:30:25 PM

chellekitty

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Joined: 3/27/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: aquestionforyou

Guess this is a question that we've all asked ourselves many times isn't it?

If there is one answer to this question then the answer would be "Not enough communication"

nope....sometimes it is communication that causes the relationship to end...but we ended on good terms...

_____________________________

One thing I know: the only ones among you who will be really happy are those who will have sought and found how to serve. ~Albert Schweitzer

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Post #: 12

RE: Why do relationship end? - 12/13/2007 2:02:20 PM

BondageSlaveMN

Posts: 80
Joined: 12/11/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: lauren0221

Relationships end, and begin for all kinds of reasons.

I wouldn't give up a good one over little things, but when the essentials are missing, or trust gets broken, or someone's needs are not being met, and it is not fixable - then time to end it.

You hit that nail mostly on the head. Relationships end because the desires of one or both persons are not being met. The lack of fullfillment of these desires leads to a disinterest in continuing the relationship for a multitude of reasons.

I hate the term "needs" because people rarely use it properly. Maslow's hierarchy of needs describes needs (and I would even debate that Maslow didn't get it entirely correct). Romantic relationships, I don't feel, fall under the category of needs but rather under the caregory of desires.

(in reply to lauren0221)

Post #: 13

RE: Why do relationship end? - 12/13/2007 2:04:21 PM

SmokingGun82

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Joined: 6/19/2004
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quote:

ORIGINAL: aquestionforyou
it is true that overall we do communicate far more about what we can give and take than the Vanillarites

Sometimes true. Sometimes not.

quote:

ORIGINAL: aquestionforyou
we are far more sexually open and adventurous.

Just because someone's not into BDSM doesn't mean they aren't sexually open and adventurous. It just means that there's something they're not interested in. And again, that might be true for you, but it's not necessarily true for everyone.

quote:

ORIGINAL: aquestionforyou
As for more communication causing the end of a relationship?
That would sometimes be true but what kind of relationship do you have if you can't speak about much?

Who said you can't talk about much? Let's give a for instance... let's say you hate tacos. Your significant other is all about tacos. If you say "I hate them" and she says "I love them" then it's all good, you've communicated, and it's not a huge deal.

But if all she ever wants to talk about is tacos, and how they're great, and why you should like them, and all you ever want to talk about is how bad they are, and how they're horrible, and how she should hate them... that's not a lack of communication. But it gets really fucking old.

_____________________________

It frightens me, the awful truth of how sweet life can be.
- Bob Dylan

Proper capitalization is the difference between "I had to help my Uncle Jack off a horse" and "I had to help my uncle jack off a horse."

(in reply to aquestionforyou)

Post #: 14

RE: Why do relationship end? - 12/13/2007 2:10:56 PM

lauren0221

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Joined: 8/29/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: BondageSlaveMN

quote:

ORIGINAL: lauren0221

Relationships end, and begin for all kinds of reasons.

I wouldn't give up a good one over little things, but when the essentials are missing, or trust gets broken, or someone's needs are not being met, and it is not fixable - then time to end it.

You hit that nail mostly on the head. Relationships end because the desires of one or both persons are not being met. The lack of fullfillment of these desires leads to a disinterest in continuing the relationship for a multitude of reasons.

I hate the term "needs" because people rarely use it properly. Maslow's hierarchy of needs describes needs (and I would even debate that Maslow didn't get it entirely correct). Romantic relationships, I don't feel, fall under the category of needs but rather under the caregory of desires.

I hear what you are saying. And I think we are just talking terminology here - for me being able to express who I am is certainly more than a desire. You are correct that, as much as I think it should be, "being able to express my submissiveness" is not listed in the hierarachy of needs;)

< Message edited by lauren0221 -- 12/13/2007 2:12:00 PM >

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RE: Why do relationship end? - 12/13/2007 2:15:49 PM

akisha

Posts: 2071
Joined: 6/25/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: aquestionforyou

Guess this is a question that we've all asked ourselves many times isn't it?

If there is one answer to this question then the answer would be "Not enough communication"

It's natural to think about your last relationship and wonder what you could have done differently.

Well it's my belief that many times we go out of communication with our partner,we all have communication problems to some extent or other, we are only human after all.

It could be even something simple like bad breath or body odour or a partners inability to express what they really want be it something very intimate like a fetish/fantasy or anything as mundane as bad manners.

Many of these things are embarrassing to talk about,which is sad as a little more communication could save so many thousands of otherwise great relationships.

What's worse,risking embarrassment or losing the whole relationship?

People in the BDSM community are of course generally much better at communication than the vanilla world,however there is still room for improvement.

So I would love to hear your thoughts on this.

Lack of communication might be the cause of a small percentage of break up's but certainly not the majority. Hell some people comminicate very well and that is why they have an animicable break up.

As for BDSM people communicated better.... BS!! People are people are people, no sub classification is any better or any worse then any other.

for every million relationships that end, I'd bet there are atleast 500,000 different reasons they fell apart.

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RE: Why do relationship end? - 12/13/2007 2:19:54 PM

subsnow

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I haven't read the other responses yet but I'm going to give a quick response anyway. I think that a lack of communication is the root to most of the reasons why relationships end. Communication, in my opinion, is the key. If you talk about how you're going to spend money, you argue about it. If you don't talk about what you want out of the relationship, you get frustrated and upset when things aren't moving the way you want them to.

< Message edited by subsnow -- 12/13/2007 2:24:07 PM >

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Post #: 17

RE: Why do relationship end? - 12/13/2007 2:21:09 PM

RumpusParable

Posts: 1923
Joined: 7/7/2005
From: NYC now!
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quote:

ORIGINAL: aquestionforyou
People in the BDSM community are of course generally much better at communication than the vanilla world,however there is still room for improvement.

First, what planet are you on? -Because it's clearly not the same one as I, from this statement.

Semi-joking aside, most of my relationships have ended not through a problem in communication but through basic incompatibility. The majority of the time it's come down to the fact that we wanted different things and were going different places in life so we ended or changed our relationship. We realized we weren't suited as lovers or romantic partners, so we changed back to just being friends in a way that we did suit and went on happily so.

There have been exceptions, most of them D/s partners and not romantic ones, but I can count all of them together on one hand. It's not the norm, at all, for my relationships to end due to communication problems.

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Relationships come and go, but plastination is forever.

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RE: Why do relationship end? - 12/13/2007 2:26:35 PM

sweetNsmartBBW

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Joined: 5/16/2007
Status: offline

Relationships end for all sorts of reasons. Some of those reasons are based around lack of communication; some are not. Lack of compatibility, dishonesty, growing apart, having different goals, money problems, sheesh....the list goes on and on. And, I agree with the people here that have said D/s folks don't communicate any better than the population at large. While it's a great goal to aspire to, the people in D/s relationships are no better (and no worse) than anyone else. Some of them are effective communicators; others, not so much.

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RE: Why do relationship end? - 12/13/2007 2:27:20 PM

RumpusParable

Posts: 1923
Joined: 7/7/2005
From: NYC now!
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quote:

ORIGINAL: OldBastardly1

My thoughts are that all things have a beginning & an ending, such is the nature of life. Why view the end of a relationship is a bad thing? Why not be glad for all the good that you reaped from the relationship? When you are in your next relationship, you will be so happy. You would miss out on the next person and the personal growth aspect if you had still been in the prior relationship.

And I have to express my agreement with this. I've never seen the end of a relationship as a bad thing or as a "failure" (as it's often called when it is a marriage or similar relationship that ends).

I've gained from every close relationship I've been in and the only bad thing about any of them has been when I didn't end or change it when I should have. -But even that was a learning experience and something that enriched me... and they still ended with that partner and I on good terms.

None of them ending was a failure or a negative thing. It just meant that my life and relationships were changing, as both always and continually do.

With each I learned, grew, shared happinesses, got through hard times, and just lived and became more... and each new relationship after the previous gave me new opportunities for all of that with the bonus of another unique individual in my life.

_____________________________

Relationships come and go, but plastination is forever.

I generally use fast-reply. If directing my post at someone specific I will indicate so.

Minimal summary: Artist, Disabled Veteran, Vegan, Pornographer, and Agender dominant female.

(in reply to OldBastardly1)

Post #: 20

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