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Identity crisis... am I submissive, or what? - 12/13/2007 3:41:44 PM

octavia

Posts: 377
Joined: 5/20/2007
Status: offline

Ugg.

I'm having a major crisis. I'm not sure if I had unrealistic expectations, an unreal idea of what submission is, or what, but I'm questioning my current relationship dynamic. Basically, he can and seems to prefer to "play" without ending up having sex. This just makes me frusterated, and angry. I want to be submissive during sex and I enjoy ( or used to anyway) play that leads to sex, but play by itself, not so much it turns out. If it doesnt end up in sexual orgasm, or at least an attempt at that, I just get upset. It feels confusing to me to spend hours being sexual ( wearing a corset, breast play, spank, etc) and not follow it up with sex. Am I confused here? My partner doesnt see anything wrong with episode after episode of just play. Does this mean I'm not submissive? He wants to play intently tonight, and frankly the idea of another evening completely consumed by play without sex just depresses me. I'm really confused here. These things turn me on to no end, but without sex, I'm starting to dread them.

I have no real desire to be a sex slave who's sexual needs are never met, but the idea is hot and I love to "play" that game

So....
I know im opening myself up for flames here, and honestly dreaded posting this. I'm afraid I'm coming off as a pretender or something, but I guess at this point, I don't even give a crap anymore what lable I am, or if I'm a "real" submissve at all... I just want to identify what I need and find ways to meet those needs.
Am I misplaced here too? Vanilla sex doesn't seem to work for me, but neither do I seem to be fitting with the play play play....

Post #: 1

RE: Identity crisis... am I submissive, or what? - 12/13/2007 3:50:44 PM

FRSguy

Posts: 653
Joined: 9/4/2007
Status: offline

Have you mentioned this?

(in reply to octavia)

Post #: 2

RE: Identity crisis... am I submissive, or what? - 12/13/2007 3:57:22 PM

MasterFireMaam

Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline

Just because you are submissive doesn't mean you don't have needs. Something about denial is hurtful to you, which is why you're getting angry. Talk to him about it.

Master Fire

_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
-----
Ms Relationship Books
-----
BDSM How-To Books

(in reply to octavia)

Post #: 3

RE: Identity crisis... am I submissive, or what? - 12/13/2007 4:00:14 PM

Kyrna

Posts: 1
Joined: 9/19/2006
Status: offline

Your desire to involve sex in your BDSM play doesn't make you less submissive. For some people, sex with their sub or dominant just doesn't work for them at all, and that's OK. For some others of us, there's no point in playing if it isn't followed by sex. For me, as it appears to be for you, the play itself turns me on so much that not ending it with sex is far too frustrating. I didn't join this lifestyle to be frustrated. :)

If your current Dom prefers to not combine the two, it just means you'll need to find a Dom whose interests are more closely aligned to yours in this area. There's nothing wrong with him for not wanting to end things with sex - and nothing wrong with you for wanting them to end that way. It's really no different from a sub who truly enjoys being whipped trying to make things work with a Dom/me who only enjoys service play.

I do hope things work out for you, and I hope you don't get flamed by too many people who can't accept that the lifestyle can, in fact, include sex.

(in reply to octavia)

Post #: 4

RE: Identity crisis... am I submissive, or what? - 12/13/2007 4:01:14 PM

Mercnbeth

Posts: 11766
Status: offline

if your submissive label hinges on your ultimate enjoyment of the activities and not in the submitting to the activities He enjoys, so what?
submissive doesn't necessarily mean that is how you react to the world around you and all of your relationship partners, regardless of relationship. it might be for some, but definitely not for all.
identifying as submissive, at least around here, does not preclude one from having certain demands of a relationship or of "play" that must be met...or else consent is withdrawn.
good luck!!!

(in reply to octavia)

Post #: 5

RE: Identity crisis... am I submissive, or what? - 12/13/2007 4:05:12 PM

laurell3

Posts: 6577
Joined: 5/5/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Mercnbeth

if your submissive label hinges on your ultimate enjoyment of the activities and not in the submitting to the activities He enjoys, so what?
submissive doesn't necessarily mean that is how you react to the world around you and all of your relationship partners, regardless of relationship. it might be for some, but definitely not for all.
identifying as submissive, at least around here, does not preclude one from having certain demands of a relationship or of "play" that must be met...or else consent is withdrawn.
good luck!!!

Yep exactly. Submissive doesn't mean you can't negotiate what works for you. Like any relationship regardless of role being unhappy is a problem. Talk about it. Communication isn't limited to one side of the d/s dynamic.

_____________________________

I cannot be defined by moments in my life, but must be considered for by the entirety of my existence.

When you fail to consider that I am the best judge for what is right for me, all of your opinions become suspect to me.

(in reply to Mercnbeth)

Post #: 6

RE: Identity crisis... am I submissive, or what? - 12/13/2007 4:11:44 PM

batshalom

Posts: 1990
Joined: 9/17/2007
Status: offline

I had a Dom who loved that kind of play, and I find myself rather fond of it too, even though it can be horrifyingly physically frustrating. However, if you don't get at least some of what you want some of the time, what's the point? I don't get all my pleasure from denying my own pleasure all the time either - there has to be a mutual fulfillment or it's simply no longer a relationship and turns into a gigantic ass pain.

Now if this were half the time, I'd give you a stern "suck it up" lecture; but since it seems to be most or all the time, and since it bothers you to the point of wondering if you're a submissive, then something is definitely amiss.

(in reply to laurell3)

Post #: 7

RE: Identity crisis... am I submissive, or what? - 12/13/2007 4:53:20 PM

IrishMist

Posts: 7480
Joined: 11/17/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: octavia

Ugg.

I'm having a major crisis. I'm not sure if I had unrealistic expectations, an unreal idea of what submission is, or what, but I'm questioning my current relationship dynamic. Basically, he can and seems to prefer to "play" without ending up having sex. This just makes me frusterated, and angry. I want to be submissive during sex and I enjoy ( or used to anyway) play that leads to sex, but play by itself, not so much it turns out. If it doesnt end up in sexual orgasm, or at least an attempt at that, I just get upset. It feels confusing to me to spend hours being sexual ( wearing a corset, breast play, spank, etc) and not follow it up with sex. Am I confused here? My partner doesnt see anything wrong with episode after episode of just play. Does this mean I'm not submissive? He wants to play intently tonight, and frankly the idea of another evening completely consumed by play without sex just depresses me. I'm really confused here. These things turn me on to no end, but without sex, I'm starting to dread them.

I have no real desire to be a sex slave who's sexual needs are never met, but the idea is hot and I love to "play" that game

So....
I know im opening myself up for flames here, and honestly dreaded posting this. I'm afraid I'm coming off as a pretender or something, but I guess at this point, I don't even give a crap anymore what lable I am, or if I'm a "real" submissve at all... I just want to identify what I need and find ways to meet those needs.
Am I misplaced here too? Vanilla sex doesn't seem to work for me, but neither do I seem to be fitting with the play play play....

Time to sit down with your partner and have a very, very serious discussion

_____________________________

If I said something to offend you, please tell me what it was so that I can say it again later.

(in reply to octavia)

Post #: 8

RE: Identity crisis... am I submissive, or what? - 12/13/2007 6:12:48 PM

MisTabsDratt

Posts: 32
Joined: 8/15/2007
Status: offline

I have to agree with the posts so far. What most of it will boil down to is communication. You have needs as a submissive.

That said, I'll toss out something that I didn't see mentioned in other posts. Firstly, I identify with you totally. BDSM is sexual for me. Without sex, or something sexual, it's hard for me to really get into a good scene. Have you thought out what your REALLY need? Does it have to end in orgasm? Does it have to be YOUR orgasm? or just AN orgasm? Does it have to be via penetrative sex? Could it be kneeling before your master with a vibrator? Not knowing the details it's hard to speculate very well, but perhaps your master would be comfortable with alternative "sexual" acts other than straight intercourse or whatever that's not working now. Explore some other angles. Maybe a lesser sexual act of some kind could suffice?

Personally, if my Wife/Mistress is fondling and stroking me during play and I'm staying aroused, it's much less of a big deal if it ends in orgasm. Or at least my orgasm. But if I can provide Her an orgasm, I find it almost as satisfying as if I had had the orgasm myself.

Everyone is different and each relationship is going to be individual.

My advice would be to communicate of course, but I would preface that by thinking through some other potential options. Maybe you'll come up with a few alternatives that your partner will be more confortable with.

_____________________________

Slave Dratt
Mistress Taboo's Slave/Husband

(in reply to IrishMist)

Post #: 9

RE: Identity crisis... am I submissive, or what? - 12/13/2007 6:29:37 PM

sexyred1

Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
Status: offline

OP, there is not a chance in hell that I would play without sex; this whole damn thing is about sex to me. Who cares if you get flamed?? It is your life, not the posters here. To me, playing like that without it ending in sex would be like eating a delicious meal and not being able to taste or swallow.

Or being taken to a beautiful art gallery and putting on a blindfold.

Or listening to a symphony while wearing earplugs....

Shall I go on?

(in reply to MisTabsDratt)

Post #: 10

RE: Identity crisis... am I submissive, or what? - 12/13/2007 6:55:10 PM

TMaster2

Posts: 194
Joined: 2/25/2006
Status: offline

I have recently been talking with a very eager (potential) slave, so from the begining I have been intent on explaining what I do, why I enjoy it, etc. and going on and on in all kinds of scenarios. My intent was to show her the possible situations I might "subject" her to no matter whether private or public, play scene or daily life. After quite awhile of this, she said one day, "All the things you talk about are power play, which sounds fun, but there's no sex at the end! I wouldn't enjoy that."

I gulped. How could I have left that out? EVERY one of my activities, in MY mind, leads to sex, somewhere, somehow, sometime. So I backtracked and added the endings to many of the things I'd told her... now she is much more involved ;) So I suppose she is much like you. This is all well and good and non-vanilla, but without the sex, it just doesn't add up to much.

(in reply to sexyred1)

Post #: 11

RE: Identity crisis... am I submissive, or what? - 12/13/2007 7:11:41 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

You operate differently than he does. You need to talk about it and not just stew quietly. Maybe his libido is not as strong as yours. Would you be okay if he didn't have sex with you but did stroke you to orgasm? But you need to tell him because it will negatively impact your relationship.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to TMaster2)

Post #: 12

RE: Identity crisis... am I submissive, or what? - 12/13/2007 7:40:15 PM

spanklette

Posts: 882
Joined: 2/22/2005
Status: offline

I think I would stop focusing on the label, itself and try to figure out my needs and desires as far as my relationship my concerned. The only wrong answer is when you end up unhappy and unfulfilled. So, you've pinpointed what has been disappointing you and now you need to figure out how to address it with him...then you can worry about labels.

_____________________________

~spanklette~

"The important thing is this: to be able at any moment to sacrifice what we are for what we could become. " Charles du Bois

"Please don't shout, can't you see I'm not listening." Billie Myers

(in reply to octavia)

Post #: 13

RE: Identity crisis... am I submissive, or what? - 12/13/2007 7:43:16 PM

MzMia

Posts: 5333
Joined: 7/30/2004
Status: offline

There is no ONE way or any REAL way.
Usually, it boils down to finding someone who is compatible with YOU.

I see nothing wrong with your expectations.
What I hear, is that you became involved with a Dominant who is not on the same page.
How long did you get to know him before you became involved?

I don't "play" with anyone that I don't know well and consider a friend.
Also, since I am seeking a long term relationship, I am very particular about who I even get involved with.

My question to you, is why are you in a relationship in which you are not getting your needs met AFTER you have expressed this to the Dominant?
I have been single a few years, and being single ain't that bad.

p.s.- Also you are a lovely person, and you have no reason to settle.

< Message edited by MzMia -- 12/13/2007 7:45:33 PM >

_____________________________

Namaste'
To Each His/Her Own
"DENIAL ain't just a river in Egypt." Mark Twain

What's your favorite fetish?
"My partner's whisper"--bloomswell

(in reply to octavia)

Post #: 14

RE: Identity crisis... am I submissive, or what? - 12/13/2007 11:17:18 PM

TethersEnd

Posts: 102
Joined: 1/29/2007
Status: offline

sucks when your kink doesnt match doesnt it.
seems some difficult conversation is in order.
just remember, your needs are important too..........

(in reply to MzMia)

Post #: 15

RE: Identity crisis... am I submissive, or what? - 12/14/2007 4:34:53 AM

wisteriaV

Posts: 438
Joined: 3/17/2005
Status: offline

For us sometimes BDSM play includes sex and at other times its nothing more than the adrenalyn rush of the play that makes it good. It depends on Masters mood and if I have requested to have sex play within the BDSM play..and his final answer of course.

_____________________________

Every story has two sides , much like a coin and neither one is totally perfect.
If it doesn't float your boat, then don't get in the water~!

(in reply to TethersEnd)

Post #: 16

RE: Identity crisis... am I submissive, or what? - 12/14/2007 4:48:03 AM

Owner4SexSlave

Posts: 1311
Joined: 4/4/2007
Status: offline

Sounds like you are anything but a Sex slave dear... more like a everything else but it.

This is by no means an indicator if you are submissive or not.   It just means there is a sexual compatiblity issue. Perhaps, he does not have a high sex drive.   Not all people into BDSM are sexually motivated or driven.

If you want to be used a sex slave, then find somebody that's into the more sexual aspects of BDSM.   I keep telling people to find partners with the same mindset and interests... if only people would listen!!   OCTAVIA... your kink interests probally don't match up!

Oh wait, in all fairness you should communicate with him first and talk about this.   If it's still a problem that can not be resolved... Well, it's just a matter of time before the sand runs out of that hourglass.

This has nothing to do with how submissive you are!!

< Message edited by Owner4SexSlave -- 12/14/2007 4:51:49 AM >

(in reply to octavia)

Post #: 17

RE: Identity crisis... am I submissive, or what? - 12/14/2007 5:29:39 AM

Lordandmaster

Posts: 10943
Joined: 6/22/2004
Status: offline

Tell the boss. See how he responds.

I'm sure you're submissive, but just because you're submissive doesn't mean that any kind of relationship with any dom will necessarily fulfill you.

(in reply to octavia)

Post #: 18

RE: Identity crisis... am I submissive, or what? - 12/14/2007 5:53:26 AM

Owner4SexSlave

Posts: 1311
Joined: 4/4/2007
Status: offline

Oh hell with all this communication bullshit, just slip him a micky the next time you serve him up drinks. See what a few Viagra pills in his coffee, lemonaid, Budwiser or whatever he drinks does. If he does not respond chances are he's clinically sex dead. If it works, keep on doing this, Hell think you're the hottest babe that ever turned him on. So what this might sound deceitful and cunning... but that's the reality of how a true submissive responds, by helping her master anyway she can at all costs. Some people might call this topping from the bottom, but if he's not aware of it what's going on, how can it truely be topping? Just embrace your womenhood for being the cunning, calculating, and sex depraved slut that you are. Who's knows he might end up with an erection lasting for longer than 4 hours, just make certain all the clocks are hide. First thing any right minded TV watching Dom would be able to do is put together 2 plus 2 and know you've been slipping him something.

< Message edited by Owner4SexSlave -- 12/14/2007 5:55:57 AM >

(in reply to octavia)

Post #: 19

RE: Identity crisis... am I submissive, or what? - 12/14/2007 6:51:53 AM

RCdc

Posts: 8674
Status: offline

No it's doesn't mean you aren't submissive, it simply sounds as though your relationship isn't fulfilling your needs and if you haven't set out your boundries to your dominant, then he cannot deal with the issue. If you have told him and he still will not assist you, then it just isn't the relationship for you. You have to decide whether you can submit to his idea of what a relationship is, or find one compatable for you.

Be safe
the.dark.

_____________________________

RC&dc

love isnt gazing into each others eyes - it's looking forward in the same direction

(in reply to octavia)

Post #: 20

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