RE: Identity crisis... am I submissive, or what?

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RE: Identity crisis... am I submissive, or what? - 12/14/2007 8:35:05 AM

liminalRapture

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(This is off topic and I hope I'm not hijacking the thread)

quote:

ORIGINAL: octavia
I know im opening myself up for flames here, and honestly dreaded posting this. I'm afraid I'm coming off as a pretender or something, but I guess at this point, I don't even give a crap anymore what lable I am, or if I'm a "real" submissve at all...

Isn't it amazing how so many of us (Me included big time) have this ideas of what the rest of the world thinks we should do? A French friend of mine said "Americans are defined for the rest of their life by high school" and I said "huh" and he said "the cliques.--You get this idea of what other people think and it controls so much of your behavior." (And fwiw, I went to high school an hour from where you live ;)

And isn't it amazing when we say "this is how I am. Period" and we don't get flamed. It is OK? I think that is really what growing mature is all about. Saying "Here I am. This is me. This is too important to who I am." Or as Sondheim said: "Letting go your illusions and don't confuse them with dreams."

I tried to be with someone that said "you have no needs. Your needs are only met by fulfilling mine" and it just completely started to numb me out. Originally I said "well, I did lousy vanilla sex for decades--why not try some lousy kinky sex because at least it isn't denying who I am" (maybe not those exact words, but close) but as time went on, I started to dread any sexual energy, started to be less and less joyous. Hopefully I'll find the one guy out there I can surrender to. And 'submissive' is a useful label in that it signals the ballpark I'm hoping to catch a ball in. But it isn't useful when it denies who I am or starts to feel like a burden.
Good luck!

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RE: Identity crisis... am I submissive, or what? - 12/14/2007 10:41:19 AM

littlebitxxx

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rapture, I don't think that was a hijack so much as a supporting shunt line. Part of the OPs post led me to think that she felt she didn't deserve the label 'submissive' because she wants sex with/after SM or play. Labels are things we put on cans and boxes, shouldn't be on people. D/s, M/s, whatever/s, is whatever two people decide it should be. If it involves SM, play, submission only, sex with or without the fries...it doesn't matter as long as both are happy.

octavia, communication is the key. If you like sex with or after a play session, ya gotta tell your Dom that. Heightening your enjoyment of a session is part of the reason he does what he does to you. If it doesn't feel good to either, why bother? I've done SM without sex, fine. I've done sensation play without sex, fine. I've done both with sexual touching during, or a full blown down and dirty rut after...uber fine :) Some sort of sexual play whilst bound or being tormented or suspended or flogged just seems to heighten both the play aspect and the sexual aspect. Sometimes it can feel like a letdown to have play without anything else so I understand where you're coming from. But it needs to be talked about and opened up for experiment.

Do hope you can figure this out...a whole world of enjoyment out there. And don't worry what others say or think; it is whatever makes you and your Dom happy to be together. Then you can label it "bliss".

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RE: Identity crisis... am I submissive, or what? - 12/14/2007 12:04:52 PM

girlygurl

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quote:

ORIGINAL: octavia
I'm having a major crisis. I'm not sure if I had unrealistic expectations, an unreal idea of what submission is, or what, but I'm questioning my current relationship dynamic. Basically, he can and seems to prefer to "play" without ending up having sex. This just makes me frusterated, and angry. I want to be submissive during sex and I enjoy ( or used to anyway) play that leads to sex, but play by itself, not so much it turns out. If it doesnt end up in sexual orgasm, or at least an attempt at that, I just get upset. It feels confusing to me to spend hours being sexual ( wearing a corset, breast play, spank, etc) and not follow it up with sex. Am I confused here? My partner doesnt see anything wrong with episode after episode of just play. Does this mean I'm not submissive? He wants to play intently tonight, and frankly the idea of another evening completely consumed by play without sex just depresses me. I'm really confused here. These things turn me on to no end, but without sex, I'm starting to dread them.
I have no real desire to be a sex slave who's sexual needs are never met, but the idea is hot and I love to "play" that game
So....
I know im opening myself up for flames here, and honestly dreaded posting this. I'm afraid I'm coming off as a pretender or something, but I guess at this point, I don't even give a crap anymore what lable I am, or if I'm a "real" submissve at all... I just want to identify what I need and find ways to meet those needs.
Am I misplaced here too? Vanilla sex doesn't seem to work for me, but neither do I seem to be fitting with the play play play....

Hello octavia. IMO just because you're in touch with what you want and what your needs are doesn't make you any less a submissive by golly! Again, this is just my opinion... but, I would talk to your Sir/Master. hmmmm maybe there's another issue he hasn't shared with you yet.

I learned something recently.... no one, and I mean no one can tell me if I'm a "real" submissive. What makes one a submissive doesn't mean that applies to all! Just a thought.

good luck to you,
girly

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RE: Identity crisis... am I submissive, or what? - 12/14/2007 3:08:32 PM

petpete

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Dear octavia... i sympathize with you on that respect... One of the aspects of BDSM is that to be denied and i would assume that many love to indulge in the most sadistic pleasure of them all.. The ultimate is to be denied.. Thats the satisfaction that Your Dom seems to be getting here from you... However the strength within a sub/slave is to withstand any circumstances that are bestowed to him by his or her D. Having said all that...
This is strictly off the record.. (check for a replacement on the mug... Find a lover to have sex and use the maggot for the play alone.)

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RE: Identity crisis... am I submissive, or what? - 12/14/2007 4:26:10 PM

CalifChick

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Owner4SexSlave

Oh hell with all this communication bullshit, just slip him a micky the next time you serve him up drinks. See what a few Viagra pills in his coffee, lemonaid, Budwiser or whatever he drinks does. If he does not respond chances are he's clinically sex dead. If it works, keep on doing this, Hell think you're the hottest babe that ever turned him on. So what this might sound deceitful and cunning... but that's the reality of how a true submissive responds, by helping her master anyway she can at all costs.

Let's just hope this piece of advice was tongue in cheek... else I'd have to call it drivel, and not even good, entertaining drivel at that. "Deceitful and cunning" are generally not qualities found in satisfying relationships.

OP, to some people, play is play and sex is sex and never the twain shall meet. To others, play leads to sex and dammit if we're not frustrated if we get the first and not the last. Fairly recently I have had a discussion with two different Doms about play and sex. Both of them have told me that the more intense the play, the less they are able to have sex during/at the end/after.

Cali

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RE: Identity crisis... am I submissive, or what? - 12/14/2007 6:36:25 PM

octavia

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Thanks everyone for your comments... I have brought it up, and we have discussed it. I think we are still working on fine tuning and exploring our compatibility. He clearly can and does seperate the two, but I just can't. I don't want to either. I like the fact that play and sex are integrated for me and have no desire to seperate them.

Oh and for the record, it's not a sex drive issue, or an erection issue....
Trust me! ( I call it the monster

)
It is a morals and relationship definition issue.
Again, thanks so much for the imput, it's always nice to know I'm not alone, and I got some great suggestions to boot!

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RE: Identity crisis... am I submissive, or what? - 12/15/2007 10:38:24 AM

dawntreader

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Greetings octavia ,

i am glad to hear you guys are discussing this.

i relate to you in alot of ways...

my submissive streak is strong and with a strong Dominant, i serve and submit without thought. However, when i "play", it is always sexual...always. i have never been able to seperate the two. One contributing factor may be that all those i have played with always connected the subsequent sensations with my sex. i like that. Now that my mind is kinda programed that way, "public play" or "play with out sex" could be quite disasterous for me. And like you, i am not too interested in reprogramming...i enjoy sex way too much for that to be a goal for me. It doesn't make me less submissive but it does narrow my options which seem pretty narrow and slim to begin with based on other criteria i have...but that is ok - it works for me. When i just want to play i go outside...there are alot of fun things to do outside (kayaking, hiking, swimming...you get the picture)

When i want to "play", i want to be fucked - pure and simple~

peace of submission,
j

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RE: Identity crisis... am I submissive, or what? - 12/16/2007 5:06:52 AM

MzMia

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I am glad you are going to want to make your "needs" known, and I
hope you don't back down.
Good luck with your relationship, I hope it works out.

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RE: Identity crisis... am I submissive, or what? - 12/16/2007 6:55:55 AM

MadameMarque

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This may sound too simplistic to be the answer, but - you want what you want, and you involve yourself in D/s, BDSM activities and relationships, to fulfill your desires. If they aren't fulfilling your desires, why do them? Never mind what works for other people. Your desires are as real as anyone else's. If you aren't satisfied, it's okay to recognize that. It's very good to find this out and to discover what does work, for you.

You feel guilty or conflicted, because you suspect that your feelings aren't what they "should" be. Your feelings don't care what they "should" be. How you really feel is the 'real' and 'true,' your real and true life. It's where the juice is, for you, and conveniently, for your compatible partner(s).

Our psycho-sexual makeup is that animal in us. A mentor of mine once said that it doesn't want to be explained. But you can know it, as you feel it and experience it.

You can fight the animal, neglect it, starve it - or you can come into concert with it, and ride the beast. To unite with it and ride it,
you must start by becoming aware of its nature, without criticism. Will criticizing the nature of a lion change its nature? But you can work with its nature, and its power becomes your power.

Of course, part of taming and riding the beast is impulse control. That's only for when acting on the impulse would cause a problem.

So often, though, we're unnecessarily depriving ourselves. Don't you do that to yourself.

"Love is the Law; Love under Will."

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RE: Identity crisis... am I submissive, or what? - 12/16/2007 7:26:23 AM

hardbodysub

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I sympathize very much with the OP, and appreciate all the intelligent responses.

One thing that I found interesting is that the responses were civil, non-judgmental, and largely supportive. I suspect that if a male had made a similar post, he would have been barraged by responses calling him a "do-me sub", and suggesting that he go see a pro domme or prostitute. Just a little food for thought.

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RE: Identity crisis... am I submissive, or what? - 12/16/2007 7:36:23 AM

hmmmmnbird

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quote:

ORIGINAL: sexyred1

OP, there is not a chance in hell that I would play without sex; this whole damn thing is about sex to me. Who cares if you get flamed?? It is your life, not the posters here. To me, playing like that without it ending in sex would be like eating a delicious meal and not being able to taste or swallow.

Or being taken to a beautiful art gallery and putting on a blindfold.

Or listening to a symphony while wearing earplugs....

Shall I go on?

Hear hear!!! Couldn't have said it better.

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RE: Identity crisis... am I submissive, or what? - 12/16/2007 9:03:16 PM

cacodylic

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quote:

Submissive doesn't mean you can't negotiate what works for you.

Unless you're going to be accused of the dreaded "topping from the bottom"

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RE: Identity crisis... am I submissive, or what? - 12/17/2007 10:42:05 AM

eevin

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Personaly, in the past i have enjoyed foreplay, and not sex. i can get all worked up. But then sex is physcially painful for me. Maybe that's a problem he has? i would not suggest coming out and asking that, but tell him (like othes have said already) how you feel.
-----
Okay, i'm editing my comment, but leaving the original up there.
What i meant is that not all errection problems mean you have a lack of one, for anyone beliving that ED just means you can't get ti up. Sometimes sexual problems can be the opposite way. Or they can be like in my case, where i have no problem with the errection. i just can't finish.
And no, that's not bragging. i'm going to a doctor about the problem because it leaves me on the verge of tears from the pain and the inability to find release.

< Message edited by eevin -- 12/17/2007 11:08:52 AM >

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RE: Identity crisis... am I submissive, or what? - 12/17/2007 4:55:29 PM

pleasureforck

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I know how frustrating it can be to play and not have it lead to sex. My Sir and I have different sex drives. He is happy if we play most of the time without sex but I'm not. I spoke to him but not right away. I find it difficult to tell him my needs aren't being met even though he wants me to. I don't feel like its very submissive for me to do it but am learning that I'm wrong to feel that way. We're trying to work through everything. We were long distance and he just moved in with me 2 months ago. I think I expected too much even though everyone told me it would not be easy in the beginning. Every relationship takes adjustments and I'm learning communication is the most important thing.

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