CapnSpankins
Posts: 20
Joined: 12/29/2007
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quote:
ORIGINAL: laurell3
This thread is confusing, but I think you're both being manipulative. You're not any less a Dom because you post on a board or have had relationship/trust issues. It's ridiculous to say Doms can't post to ask questions here. They can and they do.
Whether you both want to play with others or not is something you each need to individually figure out and then sit down and share those expectations honestly. Stop playing I do this to get that game and actually TALK like human beings do in a nonrole type of open conversation. In my opinion, you cannot dictate her limits/relationship goals and hope to maintain a healthy relationship, neither can she yours. Then determine a) if you trust her, if you do let the past go b) if her expectations are the same as yours, if they aren't you can't change that by playing games. I have a high sex drive and libido, I also love chocolate chip cookies. I don't expect that I can eat chocolate chip cookies all day every day and have a healthy life. If the only reason she has interest in or you support others is because of her sex drive, you both need to grow up. If she really seeks an open relationship and/or poly that's a totally different thing.
Finally, if she is a submissive, Lead so she can follow.
So very well said. laurell3 is talking about some real fundamentals here for being a successful Dom/Master. I think what I have seen with a lot of younger or less experienced tops is that there is all this focus on the technical capabilities (flogging, caning, shibari, needle play, etc) which is all fine and good for safety's sake and even enjoyment. But there is very little focus on the understanding of how to create a realistic relationship goal that is mutually satisfying (i.e. meeting one another's needs).
You're here looking for advice and I think you got some mixed results. My $.02 to add to what laurell3 has to say is for you to know yourself as well as possible and what you want and get past any embarassment you might have over talking about that with your sub(s). You will never get what you want if you don't. I get a sense that you are concerned that you'll lose this sub if you don't appeal to what she is after - and that may well be true. But you'll also lose her if she can't give you what you need because she'll sense that failure to please you and she'll know (at least subconsciously) that its due to your unwillingness to communicate your deepest needs (in a "Domly" way of course) so that she has a prayer of fulfilling them. As a Dom, you should be prepared to lead this conversation and be very good at asking questions of her and then LISTENING so that you can identify what you are willing to give her. Then you can discuss what you would be willing to do or willing to do instead of what she is asking for. Then, you're setting both of you up to get the needs you have met. And if you aren't both able to reach an agreement on what needs will be me and how - stop wasting your time. Decide to find someone who is a better match for you so you can be truly happy.
S/M in its mechanics are very simple. Swatting a butt with a hairbrush doesn't take much brain power, even to do safely. S/M in its relationship energy/exchange dynamics can be difficult to setup well for a person who needs better understanding of psychology and good communication skills. (everyone thinks they're a "good communicator" just like we all have great taste and a great sense of humor, right?) I think that for the long term, after you've planned the conversation with your sub and prepared the questions you will ask her, get a copy of The New Topping Book. It covers this stuff that is so vital to being a successful top very well by people who have been in the scene for decades.
In case I haven't convinced you its worth a read yet, read my review of the book here: http://www.kinkycrafts.info/bdsmbookreviews/generalbdsmbooks/toppingbookreview/topping.html
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"A spank in time saves nine" ~ Benjamin Spanklin
Read my ongoing series, "Lessons on Domination from Jim Mogul" at my blog: http://www.kinkycrafts.info/master-blog/mblog.php
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RE: controlling a nympho sub! - 
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