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first experience - question - 12/16/2007 11:25:19 AM

slave4master24

Posts: 4
Joined: 7/14/2006
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So, i have had an interest in the lifestyle for a few years, but only recently acted on it. Earlier in the week, my friend and i had a conversation and i found out about his interest in the lifestyle, so we made plans to see each other. This was my real first experience as a slave and i'm not sure he went about it the correct (for lack of a better word) way. Now, he's into the pain aspect and my pain tolerance is extremely low - he knew this beforehand. That did not stop him from basically going beyond my breaking point. The more i begged him to stop, the more pain he inflicted. We did talk after and he said that this was going easy on me and it will be worse next time.

So, i guess my question is, is he being fair to me, should he have respected my limits? or does that not matter?

He also said that the next step would be to have a discussion with him, which i feel we should have had before anything happened. But, i don't regret what we did. i'm just not sure what to expect next time or if it's even healthy that my body is going through this painful, emotional rollercoaster.

i aploogize if this is all just babbling nonsense, but i just really need some advice.

Post #: 1

RE: first experience - question - 12/16/2007 11:26:41 AM

Rover

Posts: 2634
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Step one... find a partner with a clue. Even a modest clue will be helpful.

John

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"Man's mind stretched to a new idea never goes back to its original dimensions."

Sri da Avabhas

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Post #: 2

RE: first experience - question - 12/16/2007 11:29:36 AM

Ryugen

Posts: 69
Status: offline

I think one thing missing here would be a safeword. I know the experience has already happened, but I think you and him need to get together and decide on a safeword that you can use in order to stop the play. Also, he needs to understand that that safeword is a very important thing that he must respect.

Admittedly, I don't know much about the lifestyle yet myself, but from what I've gathered safewords are definitely an important thing when physical pain comes into play.

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I live, and am learning.

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Post #: 3

RE: first experience - question - 12/16/2007 11:36:27 AM

slave4master24

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Joined: 7/14/2006
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yes, safewords are important. But, with him, i don't think anything would make him stop. It seems he has the mindset that because i'm the slave and he is the master, that he can do anything, no matter what.

(in reply to Ryugen)

Post #: 4

RE: first experience - question - 12/16/2007 11:40:45 AM

girlygurl

Posts: 6973
Joined: 8/5/2007
From: in the palms of His hands
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OP~ not everyone is a painslut... if it's not your thing it's not your thing... it shouldn't be forced, but that's just my opinion.

girly

(in reply to Ryugen)

Post #: 5

RE: first experience - question - 12/16/2007 11:42:49 AM

Lureaetagg

Posts: 24
Joined: 11/28/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: slave4master24

yes, safewords are important. But, with him, i don't think anything would make him stop. It seems he has the mindset that because i'm the slave and he is the master, that he can do anything, no matter what.

Then I would suggest finding a different Dom. That is not appropiate behavior for a Dom to have in any situtation. You have to keep it SSC -and if you don't know it look it up becasue you should-

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I am swift darkness taking over your world.

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Post #: 6

RE: first experience - question - 12/16/2007 12:01:29 PM

LuckyAlbatross

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Joined: 10/25/2005
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Were you physically bound down? If you weren't, then you should have physically stood up and left.

He's being fair in that he's showing you exactly who he is and how he expects things to go.

It's now your choice to say "Yes I want that" or "Fuck you."

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

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Post #: 7

RE: first experience - question - 12/16/2007 12:21:07 PM

ownedgirlie

Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

Were you physically bound down? If you weren't, then you should have physically stood up and left.

He's being fair in that he's showing you exactly who he is and how he expects things to go.

It's now your choice to say "Yes I want that" or "Fuck you."

What she said.

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 8

RE: first experience - question - 12/16/2007 12:35:11 PM

Tigrita

Posts: 484
Joined: 8/16/2007
From: California
Status: offline

From what I can tell he sounds completely selfish and disrespectful. Like LA said, it is up to you to accept that or not, and realize that he will probably continue to trample your limits and cause you physical and emotional harm.

If, and this is a big if from the sound of it, but if you think he will be able to go beyond his egocentric view of things, maybe you can try explaining that your pain threshold is just much lower than others he's played with, or what he envisions. Much less impact/whatever causes a more intense physical and mental reaction for you, so he can get the sadistic results he wants for less effort (hey, that works for his selfish side too), and you'll actually keep coming back if he doesn't harm you (vs. consensually hurting you), so it is in everyone's best interests for him to tone it down.

_____________________________

~ Tigrita

There is no right path, only the path you take.

Success is making life happen, versus just letting life happen to you.

"Many of the things I enjoy, I enjoy because I don't enjoy them." - Charlotte

(in reply to ownedgirlie)

Post #: 9

RE: first experience - question - 12/16/2007 12:38:54 PM

Kalista07

Posts: 4240
Joined: 7/1/2007
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Perhaps i'm a bit off, but before i trust anyone to cause any harm to me or do anything else with me....well....i need to trust them....And perhaps it's just me, but before i can trust anyone i need to have talked to them about a lot of stuff....Especially their intentions/preferences/desire in play, as well as if they'll respect my limits...So, it could just be me and i may be extremely warped but it sounds to me as if You really need to back this relationship up to the communication level.....Although, i may be wrong...

Call me crazy,
Kali

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Post #: 10

RE: first experience - question - 12/16/2007 12:46:01 PM

TMaster2

Posts: 194
Joined: 2/25/2006
Status: offline

yes, you SHOULD have had that talk with him beforehand, by all means! Limits can be targeted, pushed to a modest degree, hoping to raise, modify, or even erase them eventually, but they should NEVER be disregarded. They should be known by all, and held as such. Sounds to me like this guy is one of those ruffian asses using BDSM as an excuse. I am a sadist, but know when to say when. I like to use someone, but I will not "use them up" or otherwise cause trauma. That does no one any good.

Bottom line-- find another to scene with, and TALK to him first.

(in reply to slave4master24)

Post #: 11

RE: first experience - question - 12/16/2007 1:38:46 PM

littlebitxxx

Posts: 732
Status: offline

Myself, I would see a HUGE red flag there! Didn't stop? "This is easy on you"?
Personally, I wouldn't see him again.

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It is the meaningless little acts that become meaningful in the doing.

The people that mind don't matter and the people that matter don't mind.

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Post #: 12

RE: first experience - question - 12/16/2007 2:12:16 PM

Jeffff

Posts: 12600
Joined: 7/7/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: slave4master24

So, i have had an interest in the lifestyle for a few years, but only recently acted on it. Earlier in the week, my friend and i had a conversation and i found out about his interest in the lifestyle, so we made plans to see each other. This was my real first experience as a slave and i'm not sure he went about it the correct (for lack of a better word) way. Now, he's into the pain aspect and my pain tolerance is extremely low - he knew this beforehand. That did not stop him from basically going beyond my breaking point. The more i begged him to stop, the more pain he inflicted. We did talk after and he said that this was going easy on me and it will be worse next time.

So, i guess my question is, is he being fair to me, should he have respected my limits? or does that not matter?

He also said that the next step would be to have a discussion with him, which i feel we should have had before anything happened. But, i don't regret what we did. i'm just not sure what to expect next time or if it's even healthy that my body is going through this painful, emotional rollercoaster.

i aploogize if this is all just babbling nonsense, but i just really need some advice.

THats what you can expect....it is now your move,,,,,,,,if you don't WANT it.......make sure that there isn't a next time. If he try's the" your not a real sub/slave" nonesense........laugh aand walk away

Jeff

(in reply to slave4master24)

Post #: 13

RE: first experience - question - 12/16/2007 2:21:15 PM

laurell3

Posts: 6577
Joined: 5/5/2005
Status: offline

OP if this guy is so clueless to what you have already said doesn't work for you and your responses during this scene, there would not be a next time for me personally. The dogmatic approach of you have to do this because you're submissive is poppycock. You have a right to limits, expectations, communication and a healthy relationship. From what you post, I'm doubting he has the ability to give that.

< Message edited by laurell3 -- 12/16/2007 2:22:19 PM >

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Post #: 14

RE: first experience - question - 12/16/2007 2:23:04 PM

slave4master24

Posts: 4
Joined: 7/14/2006
Status: offline

LA - you are right. he was being far in showing me what he was like.

It was also my own fault because i did ask for it.

and part of me is curious and would want to see him again, but there's the other part that is scared, especially because i know it will be even more painful. i think i will try talking to him and say something along the lines of what Tigrita said.

thanks guys.

(in reply to Jeffff)

Post #: 15

RE: first experience - question - 12/16/2007 2:46:04 PM

SirJohnMandevill

Posts: 546
Joined: 11/10/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: slave4master24
and part of me is curious and would want to see him again, but there's the other part that is scared, especially because i know it will be even more painful. i think i will try talking to him and say something along the lines of what Tigrita said.

My experience with my former sub was that more pain did not make it more tolerable. So yes, by all means talk with him.

Question: Since you didn't give details of what he was doing, is it possible you might enjoy pain if applied in a different way? My former sub evenually asked me not to whip her, but was quite energetic when I tortured her clit and pussy. Just something for you to consider satisfying his urge in a different way.

Les (Purveyor of Fine, Handcrafted Kink)

_____________________________

Iam an eroticist
I am a fully eroticized being
No more neuroses
I found my strip naked soul soup
With the deviant ingredient
---The B-52s

(in reply to slave4master24)

Post #: 16

RE: first experience - question - 12/16/2007 3:41:43 PM

proudsub

Posts: 6142
Joined: 1/31/2004
From: Washington
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: slave4master24

yes, safewords are important. But, with him, i don't think anything would make him stop. It seems he has the mindset that because i'm the slave and he is the master, that he can do anything, no matter what.

If it's not consentual it's abuse. You need to make that clear to him or don't play with him.

_____________________________

proudsub

"Without goals you become what you were. With goals you become what you wish." .

"You are entitled to your own opinions but not your own facts"--Alan Greenspan

(in reply to slave4master24)

Post #: 17

RE: first experience - question - 12/16/2007 5:10:45 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

You already know he doesn't care if you enjoy it or not. So why are you going back when you know ahead of time you'll be even less motivated to try it again. If what he wants is to turn you off of this forever, he's going at it the right way.

Me? I'd have screamed bloody murder and told him to stop or I'd call the cops when he did. But my right to consent is sacred to me and no two bit wanker is going to decide I'm his slave on the first play date.

And change that screen name because somebody who has had one unpleasant play date doesn't know enough yet to know if they want a 24/7 M/s with s & m. Simply because you haven't tried enough to know what you really like and what just sounds good when you're masturbating. You would be surprised how big the disconnect frequently is.

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Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

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Post #: 18

RE: first experience - question - 12/16/2007 5:30:08 PM

celticlord2112

Posts: 5732
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: slave4master24

yes, safewords are important. But, with him, i don't think anything would make him stop. It seems he has the mindset that because i'm the slave and he is the master, that he can do anything, no matter what.

If this is the case...don't play with him, period. A mindset like that leads to handcuffs and orange jumpsuits.

_____________________________

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Post #: 19

RE: first experience - question - 12/16/2007 5:30:28 PM

sunshinemiss

Posts: 17673
Joined: 11/26/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: slave4master24

So, i have had an interest in the lifestyle for a few years, but only recently acted on it. Earlier in the week, my friend and i had a conversation and i found out about his interest in the lifestyle, so we made plans to see each other.

What kind of conversation - the setting limits kind? I want to try x, y, and z out and I'm concerned about a, b, and c? If not, you need to have that before play when it's with someone new or you aren't exactly certain of what will happen. It takes some of the "spontaneous thrill" out of it, but it's safer.

This was my real first experience as a slave and i'm not sure he went about it the correct (for lack of a better word) way. Now, he's into the pain aspect and my pain tolerance is extremely low - he knew this beforehand. That did not stop him from basically going beyond my breaking point. The more i begged him to stop, the more pain he inflicted.

Some folks get off on begging - this is where a safe word comes in. If you say something like "red" or "mercy", it means the play stops RIGHT NOW. There is no further play. It's important if you are playing with someone knew in particular and then everybody understands what is happening.

We did talk after and he said that this was going easy on me and it will be worse next time.

Well, it sounds like he wants something you can't give... and that's ok. there are lots of Doms that will want you can give without harming you. If you two renegotiate and you actually use your safe word if you need to, then it can work out.

So, i guess my question is, is he being fair to me, should he have respected my limits? or does that not matter?
Your limits should ALWAYS BE respected. Until you have a relationship in which you have decided that he can do anything he wants to you, yes. Even then...

He also said that the next step would be to have a discussion with him, which i feel we should have had before anything happened.

You are 100% right - it is essential to talk first until you know someone and their style of play and you are both in "a rhythm" or something where you understand each other's body language.

But, i don't regret what we did. i'm just not sure what to expect next time or if it's even healthy that my body is going through this painful, emotional rollercoaster.

Just a little reminder - this is supposed to be fun!

i aploogize if this is all just babbling nonsense, but i just really need some advice.

it's not babbling... I hope you take your own advice.... *talk first*

I for one would be very skeptical of seeing this guy again..... in that way and would NOT do bondage - I'd want to be able to get up and walk away if he wasn't respecting my limits. You are allowed to end a scene if it is not safe (emotionally, physically, whatever). You may be a sub or slave, but you are still the one in charge of your body and your life.

good luck.
peace

< Message edited by sunshinemiss -- 12/16/2007 5:33:07 PM >

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Post #: 20

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