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RE: first experience - question - 12/16/2007 6:25:51 PM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: slave4master24
LA - you are right. he was being far in showing me what he was like.

It was also my own fault because i did ask for it.

Well it's more that you didn't really understand what you were asking for and you didn't do the smart thing in the moment.

What assurances can you give yourself that next week if you see him again, you won't make another thread just like this? What do you KNOW you will do differently?

quote:

and part of me is curious and would want to see him again, but there's the other part that is scared, especially because i know it will be even more painful. i think i will try talking to him and say something along the lines of what Tigrita said.

thanks guys.

Do yourself a favor and don't try to ignore the bad to get the hot good inside. You have to take ALL of him- ask yourself what you like BESIDES the hot intense wetness which has left you feeling confused upset and insecure? Do you think you deserve better?

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to slave4master24)

Post #: 21

RE: first experience - question - 12/16/2007 6:54:28 PM

MasterFireMaam

Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline

If you didn't agree that "stop" didn't mean stop, what he did is assault, both physical and sexual. If he had sex with you after you said stop, that's rape. You do not have to subject yourself to such in order to be a "good" or "real" slave.

Master Fire

_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
-----
Ms Relationship Books
-----
BDSM How-To Books

(in reply to slave4master24)

Post #: 22

RE: first experience - question - 12/16/2007 6:57:34 PM

MasterFireMaam

Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: slave4master24

It was also my own fault because i did ask for it.

This is bullshit according to what you said in your first post. You didn't asked to be abused...you asked for a BDSM scene. These things are DIFFERENT.

quote:

and part of me is curious and would want to see him again, but there's the other part that is scared, especially because i know it will be even more painful. i think i will try talking to him and say something along the lines of what Tigrita said.

If you choose to see him again, you need to set, and then stand up for, some boundaries. If he doesn't honor your physical boundaries, he's very unlikely to honor you emotional boundaries about it either.

Master Fire

< Message edited by MasterFireMaam -- 12/16/2007 6:58:05 PM >

_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
-----
Ms Relationship Books
-----
BDSM How-To Books

(in reply to slave4master24)

Post #: 23

RE: first experience - question - 12/16/2007 7:13:32 PM

BlackWolfSwitch

Posts: 40
Joined: 4/4/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Rover

Step one... find a partner with a clue. Even a modest clue will be helpful.

John

In all my wisdom and experience in the lifestyle....
... I second this motion. *Lol*

_____________________________

"Command of the collar, or submission to wear it. It's your choice. My choice is to know what I like from both."

(in reply to Rover)

Post #: 24

RE: first experience - question - 12/16/2007 7:37:14 PM

ksub4u

Posts: 124
Joined: 11/27/2007
Status: offline

Hi all. I've done a lot of lurking on the boards, not having much to add as I've just started my journey as a sub this year and am still learning. Something about your post, OP, made me need to write.

One thing stood out to me from your post - you classify yourself as a slave. Please be sure that you've done a lot of reading about M/s and D/s relationships. Be sure you understand the differences in these and what you are asking for in both roles. Do a search online and read lots of different articles (and these boards!) and in time you will come to your own conclusions about what role you desire, what feels natural to you, and what you are open to. While probably nothing beats real-time experience, increasing your knowledge through reading can only help.

There are checklists online for you to go through, listing just about every BDSM activity possible. Print out the list and study it. See how you feel about each activity - most lists let you rank them according to experience/curiousity or hard limits.

Most importantly, have that talk with this Dom if you decide to go forward. Bring the list and be extremely detailed in what it is you will and won't accept. In my very humble opinion, it's extremely important that you understand your needs and then discuss and compare them with the Dom's so that should you decide to move forward into a scene with him, he can make the proper decisions on how to train/use you. And I think any Dom worth his salt will take things slowly, bearing in mind your inexperience. Rushing into any kind of scene is going to be scary as all get-out for a new sub, and if the intensity level is high - that's a recipe for trouble.

I hope I don't come across as presumptuous, since I don't have a ton of experience myself, but I've learned quite a lot about myself this past year and a few red flags came through to me from your post. Above all, be good to yourself - like someone else said, this is supposed to be fun!

(in reply to slave4master24)

Post #: 25

RE: first experience - question - 1/2/2008 1:04:05 AM

dogobedience

Posts: 536
Joined: 3/30/2006
Status: offline

The next post from you or girls like you comes from your hospital bed.

Too bad his next post NEVER comes from jail!!!!!!!!!

_____________________________

I start and/or reply to posts to further my abilities and share my experiences in this fantastic lifestyle.

I hope I am an intellectual instigator, making people think and or laugh and nothing more.

Tiger, proud owner of kali aka Tigerproperty

(in reply to slave4master24)

Post #: 26

RE: first experience - question - 1/2/2008 1:15:57 AM

YourhandMyAss

Posts: 5516
Joined: 6/25/2006
From: Sacramento
Status: offline

Then I personally wouldn't play with him ever again. You're not a slave to any one, let alone a sub till you agree to be one, specifically and the I am master hear me roar regardless of what you wish types just care about themself and nobody else.

quote:

ORIGINAL: slave4master24

yes, safewords are important. But, with him, i don't think anything would make him stop. It seems he has the mindset that because i'm the slave and he is the master, that he can do anything, no matter what.

(in reply to slave4master24)

Post #: 27

RE: first experience - question - 1/2/2008 1:18:32 AM

antipode

Posts: 1787
Joined: 4/19/2004
Status: offline

This is not a matter of respecting limits. You are not into pain, he is. You are not a masochist, he is a sadist. It is a simple mismatch. And the mistake is yours. It is in the beginning of your post: "my friend and I had a conversation".

You don't do this with a friend. You do this with a dom, or master, or whatever word you want to use, after you negotiate with that person what you're going to do, together. You had a friendship, and then you changed that relatinoship. Doing that usually is a bad idea, it is like going into business with a friend - it can work, but more often than not it doesn't. You want new things, you find new people. You thought you played it safe - and in so doing cut corners, and paid the price.

---------------------------------------

Trixie: That's right Ralph, Carlos is teaching us the mambo.
Ralph Kramden: Ohhhhhhh, Carlos is teaching you the mambo... that puts a different light on everything... when I first came in here, I didn't know what you were doing... now I know, Carlos is teaching you the mambo... that makes a world of difference... One of these days, one of these days... POW! RIGHT IN THE KISSER!

(in reply to slave4master24)

Post #: 28

RE: first experience - question - 1/2/2008 4:20:39 AM

Vanatru

Posts: 300
Joined: 4/16/2004
Status: offline

blah blah blah! ya guys don't get it, a slave DOESN'T get safe words, DOESN'T get negotiation, DOESN'T get compromise, and DOESN'T get boundaries. If you didn't like it, DON'T see him again as he warned you he went lightly on you this time, and I'm sure he was being honest about that. If you seriously think you're a slave, be VERY careful who you choose to follow, take time to know the guy, and absolutely don't forget to use your brain! You're only choice for sure is who you pick as a master, everything else will be dependent on you having chosen well.

(in reply to antipode)

Post #: 29

RE: first experience - question - 1/2/2008 4:37:24 AM

catize

Posts: 3020
Joined: 3/7/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ya guys don't get it, a slave DOESN'T get safe words, DOESN'T get negotiation, DOESN'T get compromise, and DOESN'T get boundaries.

As LA would say:
Except when they do.

I agree that one needs to be careful about choosing the right person to submit to, but this guy should also get it slapped into his teeny brain that what he did was unethical and illegal. A dominant with a clue would have had enough self-control to figure out the scene needed to stop.

_____________________________

"Power is real. But it's a lot less real if it's not perceived as power."
Robert Parker, Stranger in Paradise

(in reply to Vanatru)

Post #: 30

RE: first experience - question - 1/2/2008 4:51:40 AM

Sadisticforslave

Posts: 26
Joined: 10/27/2007
Status: offline

Ok so you say you are a slave. and you are looking for a Master. Then you have a talk with someone who says they are a Master. Then you decide to play with him and it is not what you thought it was. He takes you past your limits. First you as a slave when you choose to play with a Master do not have the rights a submissive does. One guy here said, no rights no safe word no limits. I agree with that to a point. Another said you should have talked to him before hand. Well you did talk to him according to your post. so if you talked to him then why are you surprised at how things happen? Also even thou you are surprised and he took you past your limits you are considering playing with him again. Maybe you enjoyed it alot and have found someone as a Master who will not let you get away with having your way or as we say, "Topping from the bottom". If you are going to be a slave with no rights, no limits, no safeword, then find a Master who gives you what you want and has the same limits you have. other wise stop calling yourself a slave and call yourself a submissive with hard limits. Then find yourself a Master who wants a SUBMISSIVE not a slave.

quote:

ORIGINAL: slave4master24

So, i have had an interest in the lifestyle for a few years, but only recently acted on it. Earlier in the week, my friend and i had a conversation and i found out about his interest in the lifestyle, so we made plans to see each other. This was my real first experience as a slave and i'm not sure he went about it the correct (for lack of a better word) way. Now, he's into the pain aspect and my pain tolerance is extremely low - he knew this beforehand. That did not stop him from basically going beyond my breaking point. The more i begged him to stop, the more pain he inflicted. We did talk after and he said that this was going easy on me and it will be worse next time.

So, i guess my question is, is he being fair to me, should he have respected my limits? or does that not matter?

He also said that the next step would be to have a discussion with him, which i feel we should have had before anything happened. But, i don't regret what we did. i'm just not sure what to expect next time or if it's even healthy that my body is going through this painful, emotional rollercoaster.

i aploogize if this is all just babbling nonsense, but i just really need some advice.

(in reply to slave4master24)

Post #: 31

RE: first experience - question - 1/2/2008 4:55:24 AM

MissMagnolia

Posts: 3636
Status: offline

You're two friends with an interest in BDSM. He isn't your master, you are not his slave. You simply had a play session. You didn't like it, he did.

Unless he has you chained up somewhere, go back to being friends (if you can) or tell him to piss off and find a slave who DOES like what he likes.

_____________________________

if at first you dont succeed..then skydiving isnt for you

Resident Whip Cracker AND Resident Orbs Of Joy.

(in reply to sunshinemiss)

Post #: 32

RE: first experience - question - 1/2/2008 5:01:42 AM

windchymes

Posts: 9410
Joined: 4/18/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: slave4master24

LA - you are right. he was being far in showing me what he was like.

It was also my own fault because i did ask for it.

and part of me is curious and would want to see him again, but there's the other part that is scared, especially because i know it will be even more painful. i think i will try talking to him and say something along the lines of what Tigrita said.

thanks guys.

Listen to that part. It's the one doing the rational thinking.

_____________________________

You know it's going to be a GOOD blow job when she puts a Breathe Right strip on first.

Pick-up artists and garbage men should trade names.

(in reply to slave4master24)

Post #: 33

RE: first experience - question - 1/2/2008 5:15:22 AM

DiurnalVampire

Posts: 8125
Joined: 1/19/2006
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline

My personal 2 cents. Anyone with the mindset on a first play session that he is Master and you are slave and therefore what he says goes and you should like it needs to find a clue. If it was your first experience, then theres no way he should have gone all out and not made sure that it was working for you. There is no discusion AFTER about now going back and setting limits. Those are done first. At this point, could you honestly trust him to abide by those limits, even if you dd set them? Or would he have the conversation to put you at ease an then do as he pleases. After all, his standpoint that you are the slave and therefore should have no say is already pretty clear.
Better question is whether you can safely and comfortably keep your friendship with this guy. Is he going to respect the idea that you do not wish to play again if thats the decision you make? Is he capable of forcing a scene even after youve said you arent interested? You might want to consider that too when yo go back to being just friends.A mindset like he has can be a very dangerous thing.

DV

_____________________________

I will be your Dominate if you will be my submit - Fox

Snarko Ergo Sum
If you cannot change your mind, how are you so sure you still have one? -proverb

*Owner of Fox - collared 10/13/07*
VampiresLair

(in reply to windchymes)

Post #: 34

RE: first experience - question - 1/2/2008 5:24:42 AM

HalloweenWhite

Posts: 1028
Joined: 6/20/2005
Status: offline

If he knew you had a low pain threshhold why didn't he stop when he knew you couldn't take anymore?. He should have, you should have walked out.

He treated you unfairly and if you keep letting him off, he'll keep doing it.

(in reply to slave4master24)

Post #: 35

RE: first experience - question - 1/2/2008 5:26:23 AM

HalloweenWhite

Posts: 1028
Joined: 6/20/2005
Status: offline

yes, safewords are important. But, with him, i don't think anything would make him stop. It seems he has the mindset that because i'm the slave and he is the master, that he can do anything, no matter what.

Yes and no-the things to remember her are limits, safewords and negotiations.

< Message edited by HalloweenWhite -- 1/2/2008 5:28:39 AM >

(in reply to slave4master24)

Post #: 36

RE: first experience - question - 1/2/2008 5:36:20 AM

Zephalt

Posts: 19
Joined: 12/27/2007
Status: offline

In my experience it can take months even years to develop an intense relationship that can successfully support activities like whipping or some such behaviour - tit/clit torture - each persons limits have to be carefully explored and validated as being acceptable to both parties and hopefully as being mutually enjoyable. I have seen relationships where immediate assumption of extreme behaviour has occurred but these are people who are very similar ( same crowd so they have an expectation of what will occur ) and extremely physically and emotionally fit - not to mention lots of previous experience. Meaning they can take and handle abuse if the play gets out of hand. But this is very rare .. perhaps two or three. If we are not having fun and smiling then why are we doing this exactly ?

My rule is no matter what is said or agreed upon - always have an agreed upon exit strategy.

And no need to feel like you somehow invited or allowed the situation so its your fault. Feeling its your fault is a red flag already that indicates that you should consider other partners. Unless of course being made to feel guilty is your agreed upon kink that is.

(in reply to DiurnalVampire)

Post #: 37

RE: first experience - question - 1/2/2008 5:49:55 AM

SlavesSoul

Posts: 22
Joined: 8/20/2006
Status: offline

What you are talking about here is SM play....not slavery.

M/s is a relationship dynamic that takes care and time to build (or should). It may include SM, but it doesn't always, sometimes it is just about being in service to another.

Even if you are A slave, you are not His slave yet, are you? Did you accept / beg a collar? No? Then He has no rights over you and you need to be responsible for yourself.

You are an adult, until and unless you establish that you wish to be owned by another, you must be responsible for your own well being. Do some research, go out to the local community, or just check your gut feeling...but do NOT just go along with whatever because you are "a slave". Then take your time and choose wisely.

You may want to consider not giving yourself a label until you have gained a bit more experience and knowledge. Just consider yourself new to it all, and learning.

k

(in reply to slave4master24)

Post #: 38

RE: first experience - question - 1/2/2008 8:18:19 AM

tempest74

Posts: 26
Joined: 12/16/2007
Status: offline

The word that comes to my mind here is progressive. The Master/slave relationship should be progressive. In the OP I saw - "friend and I had a conversation earlier in the week" and then "this was my first real experience as a slave".

The progressive nature of the relationship is what allows you to build trust...and in a true M/s relationship allows the slave to have no need for safewords, limits (as another poster said) because the Master "reads" the slave's body language and sounds. The Master knows the slave and knows that he is there to protect her and keep her safe.

(in reply to slave4master24)

Post #: 39

RE: first experience - question - 1/3/2008 9:39:18 AM

CruelErethism

Posts: 2
Joined: 1/1/2008
Status: offline

Control and domination is far from just inflicting pain to someone. For some that is what they crave and thats fine. For others its just not what they want or desire. There are so many different facets to D/s relations that you need to explore what is real to you in a safe environment. Follow your feelings.

(in reply to slave4master24)

Post #: 40

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