Just a little slice of my day . . .

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Just a little slice of my day . . . - 12/16/2007 6:06:56 PM

insidioustoy

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Joined: 11/2/2007
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Alright, this is for those of us who have ever forgotten to go potty at the office then had to drive home at Mach 10 after squirming in your seat through 1.5 hours in rush hour (rush my ass) traffic. You know the scenario, you pull up to your house, fumble with your bag/briefcase, jump out of the car. You realize you forget to lock it so you turn around, lock the damn thing, and do the pee-pee dance up the walk/stairs/whatever. You reach the front door only to realize you have tossed your keys into the black-hole otherwise known as your purse and naturally they have migrated past 2 years of neglected receipts, coins, gum wrappers, and 500 pens that have dried up. The keys keep slipping out of your fingers like mercury while you stand there with your legs crossed together so tightly that if you stuck a lump of coal between your thighs it would turn into a diamond. Finally you grab them and unlock the door. You toss everything on the floor and run (well, you do the knee-knocking-waddle) as fast as you can while pulling your skirt/trousers/panties/nylons down, not giving a damn that your next door neighbor is watering his feet as well as his lawn laughing his considerable ass off cause you just did the nudie-bootie boot-scootin-boogie bare-assed across your front picture window. Finally, there she is, the bathroom!!! Fucking yes!!! We made it!! Only a few more feet to go . . . thank God for Pilates cause we are doing some serious core clenching now. You pray your gear is down because you know your butt wont even hit the seat before you explode . . . ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh relief. While you are there, you are feeling so good, you decide you might as well do a number 2 too. There. Perfect. You turn and reach for the toilet paper only to see . . . .

wtf???? ONE LOUSY STINKING SQUARE OF TOILET PAPER?!?!?! There it hangs, superglued to the cardboard roll, mocking you. Smiling at you cause it knows it is no way gonna be enough. It knows if you try to pull it off, you'll only get tissue confetti. Silently laughing at you cause it knows you are gonna have to do the butt-walk across the bathroom to grab another roll, humiliated, praying you wont drip, or worse, praying the phone wont ring. Alright, you think, who did this? What kind of sick, evil, sadistic, twisted (no offence Sir!!!!), brainless bastard would do something like this? To use the toilet paper within a literal inch of its life and not replace the damn thing?

If I find the culprit, I think I am going to make them a nice 5 course meal consisting of prunes, extra hot curry, 3 alarm chili, cabbage and cranberry juice. Then I am going to remove all of the toilet paper from the bathroom, cupboard too . . . except for one roll . . . one used up roll . . . a roll consisting only of . . . .

that last square.

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RE: Just a little slice of my day . . . - 12/16/2007 8:39:14 PM

intro2submissive

Posts: 35
Joined: 12/9/2007
From: DC
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worst feeling EVER! lol but i am the only one to blame because surely the family that rents the upstairs of the house isn't sneaking into the basement and using my toilet paper.
haha

or maybe they are!?

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“A man is either free or he is not. There cannot be any apprenticeship for freedom.”- Imamu Amiri Baraka

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RE: Just a little slice of my day . . . - 12/17/2007 7:06:28 AM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
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I've started keeping a six pack of tp in the bathroom for just this reason with the extra roll hidden under the sink for emergencies.

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Cynical and proud of it!

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RE: Just a little slice of my day . . . - 12/17/2007 7:15:07 AM

Termyn8or

Posts: 18681
Joined: 11/12/2005
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Yes they are. A couple of years ago, using a search engine I can't seem to find anymore I discovered that there is a huge toilet paper conspiracy.

These conspirators are among the most sick and greedy in society. I can't find their website anymore but I remember the words "it is actually more important than money, because most people won't wipe their ass with money". Something to that effect.

It was very informative. First of all buy the cheapo toilet paper. The good stuff has embedded electronics that makes it disintegrate sheet by sheet. This is all controlled by satellite. Yes NASA is in on it. Since the government cut their budget they have to do something to make ends meet.

The toilet paper companies came to the rescue, do you realize just how much toilet paper they sell ? But these rich, greedy bastards are the reason why if say, you go on a trip and leave a full roll on the holder, and you are sure nobody was in the house, it is down to the last sheet when you get back.

I read their research, people higher on the socio-economic scale tend to buy the more expensive brands, which are the same paper, but included are the recievers for the signal to disintegrate. The cheap stuff doesn't have this, and this is why your neighbors steal your TP. They are agents.

This conspiracy is so pervading, and so secretive that it makes Bohemian Grove look like a local playground with no fence. In the CIA training manual it says that these people are "to be left alone". Their operatives are so well trained that they make Gordon Liddy look like a gym teacher.

They also have alot of self control, they can get in and out and do the deed, and pass by any valuables you might leave out. This is stressed in their training. They are conditioned electronically to take nothing but toilet paper. You can leave a $100,000 piece of jewelry right next to the roll and it will not be touched. And they never leave any fingerprints.

A group in Fresno, California discovered this conspiracy and set a trap. They almost caught one of the operatives, but he defeated eighteen people and fled on foot. Later that day, a natural disaster struck the group's headquarters during a meeting, killing all but two of them. The live in seclusion now, and are heavily armed. They fear for their life every day.

Hold on, it sounds as if someone just drove a truck into the front of my hous

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