Collarspace Discussion Forums


Home  Login  Search 

Do Some Doms like to learn the lifestyle on there own?


View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest
 
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Master >> Do Some Doms like to learn the lifestyle on there own? Page: [1] 2   next >   >>
Login
Message << Older Topic   Newer Topic >>
Do Some Doms like to learn the lifestyle on there own? - 8/18/2005 6:37:28 PM   
Hallittlelolita


Posts: 253
Joined: 8/11/2005
Status: offline 		Hi I have a question my Master is very hard headed and he wants to learn the lifestyle on his own with out books or articles. He did say he would read the ones of of Castlerealm when he is ready but not until then, he said he want's to learn it on his own right now. Is this usual for some Masters?

Sincerely Hal's official Slave
Ps: I got formally collared today
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Do Some Doms like to learn the lifestyle on there own? - 8/18/2005 6:43:16 PM   
EmeraldSlave2


Posts: 3645
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		It's common enough. If that's the path that works for him, great. While I enjoyed what I got out of munches and parties and books and classes and such when I first started out, the core issues of relationships were far more about self-awareness and growing with the other person together.

(in reply to Hallittlelolita)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: Do Some Doms like to learn the lifestyle on there own? - 8/18/2005 6:46:08 PM   
mnottertail


Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
Status: offline 		LOL.......Masters having hard noggins......nahhhhhhhhh!!!! First I heard of it.

Some guys can grab a transmission and tear it apart and put it back together intuitively. Some of us grab a Chilton's manual and scan it a little and try to figure out where the problems may lie. Some read em word for word, all of them mostly don't wanna skin thers or their buddies knuckles; knowwhaddamean, Vern? I guess I would say if you are just gonna tear into it (everybodies gotta start somewhere) make sure you do so at deliberate and considerate pace, so you don't fix it so nobody else can fix it.

Sincerely,
Ron

_____________________________

Have they not divided the prey; to every man a damsel or two? Judges 5:30


(in reply to Hallittlelolita)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: Do Some Doms like to learn the lifestyle on there own? - 8/18/2005 7:18:02 PM   
IronBear


Posts: 9008
Joined: 6/19/2005
From: Beenleigh, Qld, Australia
Status: offline
quote:

so you don't fix it so nobody else can fix it.


mate was that quote as you meant it? Or should it have read "So you don't fuck it so nobody else can fix it?"

Whilst I did have some good mentors in on line Gor, they were training me to reach my potential as a Gorean Master both on and off line. Other than some general discussions with one of them who is a Pro Domme in Canada, I figured I may have to learn the ropes on my lonesome as I knew no one in the lifestyle here. After a time I met and am very good friends with a Domme and her boy (Both experienced) as well as a Pro Domme here who is my mentor. However I'm sort of solo for much of the time untill i locate a play partner. I am planning on attending some more munches which usually happen in an off pay week but we'll get there as I enjoyed the one I have been to. Play parties? forget it, I have too much crap aimed at be by a select few and as far as I am aware I'm Persona non Gratis at most of the local scene events but why not, I dont bow to cliques who want to dictate who I should see and have as friends. Look I know several good Doms in other states who went it alone and it wasnt untill years later when the old cliques weekened with nmew blood and these Doms became known and well respected. My way is to learn as much as I can and integrate it into my own ways. I know I can always back off from the physical scene here and remain a simple Gorean Master and work/play with what I do know.

_____________________________

Iron Bear

Master of Bruin Cottage

http://www.bruincottage.org

Your attitude, words & actions are yours. Take responsibility for them and the consequences they incur.

D.I.L.L.I.G.A.F.

(in reply to mnottertail)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Do Some Doms like to learn the lifestyle on there own? - 8/18/2005 8:29:17 PM   
sub4hire


Posts: 6775
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		Why not? The biggest problem I see with learning on your own is you may get hurt in the process.
Different sorts of techniques. There is a proper way to spank or flog. There is a proper way to do most anything if you don't want to harm your partner.
Everybody thinks they know how to properly spank a person. Yet what happens if they hit the wrong spot and send their sub to the hospital?

Mental wise, I think there should not be an issue..aside from the obvious lack of imagination. When you talk to other's you get imagination and become a bit more wicked.
You hear things you've never even dreamed of and can put them to use.

Kind of like kindergarten anymore. If you go to nursery school you're ahead of the bunch. If you don't you're a slow starter.

(in reply to Hallittlelolita)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: Do Some Doms like to learn the lifestyle on there own? - 8/18/2005 9:18:34 PM   
Archer


Posts: 3207
Joined: 3/11/2005
Status: offline 		Well lets see do many want to go it alone and just learn by doing?
Sure as with anything some people don;t want to do the homework they just want to dig right in.

Reading everything has it's drawbacks as does not reading anything.

I woryy about both extreams though since there is an awfull lot of safety considerations that you'll have to figure out the hard way if you don't read up on things.

And as with anything failure to read the safety literature can result in real problems.

And that doesn't only apply to physical play either lots of mental safety aspects to consider.

Reading everything poses the problem of conflicting opinions and the paralasis that comes with too many options things to thik about, but to me that's easier to deal with than reinventing the wheel

Just my opinion and worth what you paid me for it

In Leather

Archer

(in reply to Hallittlelolita)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: Do Some Doms like to learn the lifestyle on there own? - 8/18/2005 10:52:38 PM   
Focus50


Posts: 3962
Joined: 12/28/2004
From: Newcastle, Australia
Status: offline 		I like to do things my way, too, so it's not unusual to me....

"The lifestyle" covers a lot of territory re learning it. So if it's about learning to be a Dom, for eg, I'd hafta say I learnt almost nothing about a dominant persona or presence that I didn't already know from within me. Hence I don't believe you can learn to be a Dom/me - or sub! But you can learn physical techniques such as topping or new play ideas etc and I have found reading, the Net and interacting with others such as at munches etc to be quite helpful in that regard.

But the one thing you do need outside input as regards being a Dom can only come from a sub. I still can't fathom why anyone would place themselves at the whim and control of another but it's something I've always needed in a partner. Almost all the resources I've accessed about the lifestyle have been about fem/subs because that's the one thing I can never get from within me. And no matter how many subs I've known, I still learn something from one who's new to me, even if she's also new to the lifestyle.

So you probably don't realise it and maybe he doesn't either, but your Master isn't learning on his own at all - he has the best form of input a Dom can ever have re the lifestyle; his own sub (and slave, too!). Problem solved!

Focus50.

(in reply to Hallittlelolita)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Do Some Doms like to learn the lifestyle on there own? - 8/18/2005 11:39:01 PM   
FangsNfeet


Posts: 3758
Joined: 12/3/2004
Status: offline 		Most ppl know if they are sadistic or not as well has having a like to be in charge.

There is nothing wrong with him learning things on his own having you has is sub. Just rember safty and to make sure he knows when he may go to far with what you can handle. Taking a simple first aid course and having a first aid kit in the house is never a bad idea.

Wanting to try and do new things normally come about natrualy. It's not about what he reads or dosen't read but that he still has concern for your well being. If reading or having a mentor isn't something that he is interested in, you can always say "Baby, I ran accross an idea that goes along these guid lines, is there anyway we could try this oh pretty please?"

On the last note, you can see about attending BDSM events together and see if he'll watch a few things other doms do.

_____________________________

I'm Godzilla and you're Japan

(in reply to Hallittlelolita)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Do Some Doms like to learn the lifestyle on there own? - 8/19/2005 3:13:08 AM   
lovingmaster45


Posts: 261
Joined: 9/16/2004
Status: offline 		I have had Mentors since I began and would NEVER be without them. I like the idea of having another person who has "been there done that". Now if I have been in the lifestyle 40 years and still seek advice, imagine what a fuck up your "dom" will be as he blindly tries to find his way. Sure he may do it; but I would not want to be in the vicinity.
I like the mechanical comparison. I have been turning wrenches since I worked in my Uncle Don's Gulf station to help pay college tuition. I know how to rebuild just about anything on a car; but I once rebuilt an engine in a Volvo PV544 and spent 3 days trying to get oil pressure before a more experienced Volvo nut showed me how to use a power drill and a cable to prime the oil pump while is was attached to the engine.

What is this DIY dom going to do when he gets in over his head? And how many times is he going to fuck it up beyond repair?

i would not touch him with a ten foot pole.

_____________________________

Master Jerry


(in reply to FangsNfeet)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Do Some Doms like to learn the lifestyle on there own? - 8/19/2005 3:47:59 AM   
IronBear


Posts: 9008
Joined: 6/19/2005
From: Beenleigh, Qld, Australia
Status: offline 		I can see your point MJ, however you haven't taken into account those Doms who due to distance, lack a means of transport or for what ever reason are isolated and can not with any form of reasoning, get to meetings or associate with people. They have but two logical choices: First is to void the lifestyle and be forced to quit their hopes and asperations, or secondly, they must battle alone. They may or may not have access to the internet so for the sake of brevity I'm leaving that out of the equasion. I simply have problems if the expectation is that they should leave what they have a compelling force to do. I know the feeling at a number of levels and I would not give up but I would move slowley.

_____________________________

Iron Bear

Master of Bruin Cottage

http://www.bruincottage.org

Your attitude, words & actions are yours. Take responsibility for them and the consequences they incur.

D.I.L.L.I.G.A.F.

(in reply to lovingmaster45)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Do Some Doms like to learn the lifestyle on there own? - 8/19/2005 4:33:07 AM   
JohnWarren


Posts: 3807
Joined: 3/18/2005
From: Delray Beach, FL
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Hallittlelolita

Hi I have a question my Master is very hard headed and he wants to learn the lifestyle on his own with out books or articles. He did say he would read the ones of of Castlerealm when he is ready but not until then, he said he want's to learn it on his own right now. Is this usual for some Masters?

Sincerely Hal's official Slave
Ps: I got formally collared today


If that's his choice so be it. However, as someone who was in this before there were books, groups and the internet, I can guarantee that he's 1/ going to repeat a lot of mistakes others have made and 2/ miss out on a lot of safety advice, much of which is NOT obvious (who knows about the nerve cluster under the armpits that makes underarm suspension risky, for example?)



_____________________________

www.lovingdominant.org

(in reply to Hallittlelolita)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Do Some Doms like to learn the lifestyle on there own? - 8/19/2005 4:41:10 AM   
Focus50


Posts: 3962
Joined: 12/28/2004
From: Newcastle, Australia
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: lovingmaster45

I have had Mentors since I began and would NEVER be without them. I like the idea of having another person who has "been there done that". Now if I have been in the lifestyle 40 years and still seek advice, imagine what a fuck up your "dom" will be as he blindly tries to find his way. Sure he may do it; but I would not want to be in the vicinity.
I like the mechanical comparison. I have been turning wrenches since I worked in my Uncle Don's Gulf station to help pay college tuition. I know how to rebuild just about anything on a car; but I once rebuilt an engine in a Volvo PV544 and spent 3 days trying to get oil pressure before a more experienced Volvo nut showed me how to use a power drill and a cable to prime the oil pump while is was attached to the engine.

What is this DIY dom going to do when he gets in over his head? And how many times is he going to fuck it up beyond repair?

i would not touch him with a ten foot pole.

As a "DIY Dom" myself, I can't say as I've ever fucked anything up beyond repair or got in over my head, either! That may be just a few decades of plain dumb luck in your eyes but I like to think of it as a combination of commonsense, intelligence, safety FIRST and an initial learning philosophy of "wading in from the shallow end" - ONE STEP ATTA TIME!

BDSM is how I express intimacy and I'd never do anything to truly risk my girl's safety or well-being. I never needed mentors when I was learning vanilla intimacy and I don't need them now because I don't see BDSM like it's a career choice, as many here seem to. I'm not interested in impressing other lifestylers or strutting a public stage etc and it doesn't sound like the OP's partner is, either! What next; graduating dom schools or the equally laughable Dom/mes subbing first? The thing about intimacy for many of us is that it's no-one else's business what happens behind closed doors and you don't need formal teachings, mentors, protocols or dubious "qualifications" to look after your girl - the girl you love....

Frankly, I think your own philosophy here does nothing more than display insecurities and self doubt and I'd regard your "ten foot pole" comment as a compliment.

Focus50.

(in reply to lovingmaster45)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Do Some Doms like to learn the lifestyle on there own? - 8/19/2005 6:45:05 AM   
happypervert


Posts: 2203
Joined: 5/11/2004
From: Scranton, PA
Status: offline 		He isn't learning it on his own. You are giving him feedback, aren't you?

_____________________________

"Get a bicycle. You will not regret it if you live." . . . Mark Twain

(in reply to Hallittlelolita)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Do Some Doms like to learn the lifestyle on there own? - 8/19/2005 7:46:39 AM   
Kiaban


Posts: 124
Joined: 7/11/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Focus50


As a "DIY Dom" myself, I can't say as I've ever fucked anything up beyond repair or got in over my head, either! That may be just a few decades of plain dumb luck in your eyes but I like to think of it as a combination of commonsense, intelligence, safety FIRST and an initial learning philosophy of "wading in from the shallow end" - ONE STEP ATTA TIME!

BDSM is how I express intimacy and I'd never do anything to truly risk my girl's safety or well-being. I never needed mentors when I was learning vanilla intimacy and I don't need them now because I don't see BDSM like it's a career choice, as many here seem to. I'm not interested in impressing other lifestylers or strutting a public stage etc and it doesn't sound like the OP's partner is, either! What next; graduating dom schools or the equally laughable Dom/mes subbing first? The thing about intimacy for many of us is that it's no-one else's business what happens behind closed doors and you don't need formal teachings, mentors, protocols or dubious "qualifications" to look after your girl - the girl you love....

Frankly, I think your own philosophy here does nothing more than display insecurities and self doubt and I'd regard your "ten foot pole" comment as a compliment.

Focus50.



If we are talking about D/s: I agree 100% everyone eventually finds thier own dynamic anyways.
If we are talking about rough sex : I agree again
If we are talking about using techniques and intruments that in other context would be concidered weapons there should be a word to the wise here.
I grew up in a "hunting and fishing' family. I learned early on about guns and the proper use of something that can be dangerous or simply a tool depending on how you use it. I took classes and learned from family all the important do's and don't...does that mean that someone who has never taken a class would mess up with a fire arm and shoot someone? or themselves?...not at all, but the potential for risk is much higher with that class of individual.
So you can grab canes, paddles, knives and whip and chains and start whopping away and perhaps if you are careful there would never be a problem. Then again there might.
The question then becomes is it wise to use things [that otherwise could be concidered weapons] if you are not very damn sure of what the outcome will be?
You can rebuild an engine and fuck it as often as you like and simply rebuild it again..can we say the same about nerve damage? internal bleeding?
So some say ok but she is there for feedback, cool , but in some cases that might be " um I need to go to the hospital" .

I guess I will finish this by saying again I am not talking about rough sex, or light play, or d/s .but if we are speaking of the "lifestyle" in general whips and floggers and rope and canes and such...why the hell would someone not want to learn about what effect things have and potential dangers before they start wielding them?



(in reply to Focus50)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Do Some Doms like to learn the lifestyle on there own? - 8/19/2005 8:38:16 AM   
Wolfspet


Posts: 143
Joined: 1/11/2004
Status: offline 		Wolf and I met way before the internet. back in the days when we all were really underground. We occasionally went to the raw & gritty Leather S&M clubs in a few areas.

He learned the very basics there, lol.

Enter life, school, offspring & moving to a rural area, and you have DIY M/s structure.

no website, no articles, no mentors.

A organic growth based on some of the leather traditions of the 70's.

S&M techniques were learned through trial & error, there was no one to teach, we relied on our honesty & respect for each other to find the balence between his sadism & my masochism.

So yeah, there are some out there.

(in reply to Hallittlelolita)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Do Some Doms like to learn the lifestyle on there own? - 8/19/2005 8:58:35 AM   
Kiaban


Posts: 124
Joined: 7/11/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Wolfspet

Wolf and I met way before the internet. back in the days when we all were really underground. We occasionally went to the raw & gritty Leather S&M clubs in a few areas.

He learned the very basics there, lol.

Enter life, school, offspring & moving to a rural area, and you have DIY M/s structure.

no website, no articles, no mentors.

A organic growth based on some of the leather traditions of the 70's.

S&M techniques were learned through trial & error, there was no one to teach, we relied on our honesty & respect for each other to find the balence between his sadism & my masochism.

So yeah, there are some out there.


Believe it or not I concider myself for the most part a DIY type Dom. I still don't under why now, when there are tons of articles out there on the proper and safe use of things that other-wise can be dangerous,
why someone would not make use of the information available.Again I am not talking about rough sex, d/s, or light play.
When "motor vehicles' first came out I highly doubt there was alot of instruction on how to drive them..it was all trial and error . Does that mean that today, as a general practice, its a good idea to just put someone in a car and " let er rip"?

(in reply to Wolfspet)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Do Some Doms like to learn the lifestyle on there own? - 8/19/2005 9:14:07 AM   
FangsNfeet


Posts: 3758
Joined: 12/3/2004
Status: offline 		no matter how much you read or how many mentors you go through there are some things you still end up learning on your own. Mostly being likes and dislikes on both sides.

Exactly what all is he trying to do on is own without the advice or teaching of others?
1. fire play
2. rope tieing
3. feather tickleing
4. chaining
5. needle play

This life style is different for every couple and the experiences are what you learn together. Don't let anyone call you a pair of phoney's just because what works for you dosen't work for them.

It's not that you need someone to teach you "This is how it's done" but rather a little guidence from time to time to point out "This is how you make is as safe and sterile as possilbe and this is what you do if injury and infection happen"

So may you be a happy ever learning couple who wouldn't mind doing a little research from time to time

_____________________________

I'm Godzilla and you're Japan

(in reply to Hallittlelolita)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Do Some Doms like to learn the lifestyle on there own? - 8/19/2005 9:17:14 AM   
Wolfspet


Posts: 143
Joined: 1/11/2004
Status: offline 		You have a point about the utilization of tools to facillitate technique, one should be informed of at least the hazards of what they are doing.

But just because you may know a technique or read about it does not mean that that technique will have the same effect on the person you utilize it on.

Learning the risks is not bad, but no amount online reading is going to show him how a scalpel is going to cut into her, that is where they have to have open dialogue.

I know I put too much faith in that both sides of the equation Dom/Master & Submissive/Slave are not idiots, and have at least the mentality to talk through edgier play rather than jump into it.

(in reply to Kiaban)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Do Some Doms like to learn the lifestyle on there own? - 8/19/2005 9:28:02 AM   
Lordandmaster


Posts: 10943
Joined: 6/22/2004
Status: offline 		I learned the lifestyle on my own. (I learned it before it was called a "lifestyle.")

No fatalities yet.

(in reply to Hallittlelolita)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Do Some Doms like to learn the lifestyle on there own? - 8/19/2005 9:32:20 AM   
Angrylibrarian


Posts: 214
Joined: 8/10/2005
Status: offline 		He's partially learning it from you anyway. He might want a couple friends who do it or to bring in a sub with a lot of experience to see whats what (commonalities and differences between women really highlight whats right and whats wrong).

(in reply to Lordandmaster)
Profile   Post #: 20
Page:   [1] 2   next >   >>
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Master >> Do Some Doms like to learn the lifestyle on there own? Page: [1] 2   next >   >>
Jump to:





New Messages No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages Locked w/o New Messages
 Post New Thread
 Reply to Message
 Post New Poll
 Submit Vote
 Delete My Own Post
 Delete My Own Thread
 Rate Posts




Collarchat.com © 2025
Terms of Service Privacy Policy Spam Policy

0.094