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sexyred1 -> RE: "Why Men Don't Talk" - from Men's Health (12/21/2007 10:18:50 AM)
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quote:
ORIGINAL: DMFParadox
quote:
Well I sometimes wonder if anyone thinks like I do. I really like to know someone deeply. That is my ultimate hope. I want the intimacy that comes along with that sort of revelation.
If you value that kind of intimacy, then watch what we men do. And then do your homework. He's watching football games? Learn his team, even if you don't give a shit. Learn who got traded in the off season. He goes out back and works on a cabinet? Learn about pine vs. hardwood, and get a chisel catalog and ask questions. Start building your own, or decorate his. Best example: He works 10 hours a day and comes home exhausted? Learn about his job, his company, etc., through press releases and career guides or whatever resources you can find. And then find ways to show that you value his effort at work.
But that's not what you're about--you want to know why he feels like he wants to 'run and hide' and swing a hammer or watch TV instead of talking to you. The problem is, you don't care about 'communication', you care about validation. You want to see how the deeper meanings of his actions correspond to your own, and validate your choices in life. But guess what? That doesn't validate him. That same, "Aha!" moment you have... he doesn't.
What if he already knows that you eat, sleep, and breath for the same reasons he does? That you (and he) are worth caring about, and prefers it spoken through deed? Sometimes, it seems, people (not women or subs--but people in general) seem to substitute profound revelations for profound actions. Such as figuring out whether birch is better than cherry for a certain look and feel of a cabinet, and surprising your hammer-swinging taciturn man with it. That shows you care, not tooth-pulling.
Often, there's no better feeling than working together or playing together and enjoying small talk. And by together, I include simply sitting silently by the car and handing him tools, or shoving food under the door while he's writing and then proofing the pages while he's asleep.
Me, I can talk a blue streak. But you find a good man who does have a problem talking, or even one who does ok normally, and you may very well lose him--or have a much less rewarding relationship than you could have, by focusing on your need to pull his teeth.
Wow. You have managed to toss so much Dr. Phil bullshit into one post, I don't even know where to start.
You assume wrongly that women should not have preferences in communication style. That in order to know someone, instead of communicating verbally, we should all get out and swing hammers or hit golf clubs. (as if that might ever happen with my nails, yawn).
Your analogies are so simplistic and actually, sexist. Hand him tools while sitting quietly near by? Dude, have you been watching Father Knows Best reruns on TV Land?
Your assumption that women are seeking any type of validation vs. equal amounts of communication is laughable and insulting.
Neither I or any other strong, intelligent woman that I know need validation from anyone. What we do need, is a partner that can communicate verbally, non-verbally, emotionally, spiritually, intellectually, physically, and in every way that is important to the success of a relationship for those two individuals.
This has nothing to do with being taciturn or a chatterbox, the quiet man who is deep may have much more to communicate than the chatty shallow guy. Do you honestly think we don't know the difference?
Those who cry foul at those who ask for communication are usually those who are unable or unwilling to share of themselves, that I have found to be very true.
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