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When do you tell a potential D about the boards? - 12/19/2007 7:24:12 PM

liminalRapture

Posts: 181
Joined: 9/6/2007
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In my experience, most of the men on the other side aren't really aware of the boards. My ex didn't know about them until I finally told him when things were getting more serious. I don't know about you, but I've posted vulnerabilities and fears on the boards (and on my blog) that I would rather reveal over time than just have him read them all in one fell swoop.

I would never lie, but I haven't volunteered info with anyone I haven't known particularly well. But, then, I suppose it would be incredibly boring to go back and read all my posts, one by one. I was absolutely shocked when I found out someone actually read all my blog! But how quickly do you reveal that sort of info?

_____________________________

"Ring the bells that can still ring. Forget your perfect offering. There's a crack in everything. That's how the light gets in." Leonard Cohen.

Post #: 1

RE: When do you tell a potential D about the boards? - 12/19/2007 7:40:03 PM

juliaoceania

Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline

Daddy gave me the link to this site when we first started emailing and talking on the phone. He wanted me to have a better place to look for dominants than the one I was using (alt). He mentioned that he posted on the forums and gave me his screen name. I read a lot of posts from him. It gave me a good idea of the kind of dominant he was, what i could expect from him, and I found myself reading his every post. It created a sense of intimacy for me in how I felt about him before we even had an opportunity to meet, and my first posts here were made before we had met yet.

I am glad he let me in to read him here.

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to liminalRapture)

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RE: When do you tell a potential D about the boards? - 12/19/2007 8:49:10 PM

secretagentgirl

Posts: 70
Joined: 9/16/2007
Status: offline

I think it depends how important it is to you to be able to post without worrying about what your own Dom will think about what you write.
Compare that to how much they might gain by reading about the topic that could enhance your relationship.
Then weigh the two.

There is certianly no OBLIGATION to reveal it.

I used to post on a parenting website and I like being able to speak freely and with people I didn't know in real life. I never mentioned it to other parent friends even though I thought some might like it. I prefered to keep it as my little secret.

(in reply to juliaoceania)

Post #: 3

RE: When do you tell a potential D about the boards? - 12/19/2007 8:59:08 PM

liminalRapture

Posts: 181
Joined: 9/6/2007
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Secret Agent Girl--I feel like there is an obligation at some point. I guess, I wouldn't want to ever feel like I was hiding information, but I'd rather not tell. I'd rather have that space as my own.

Someone who is sort of a very complicated friend that at one point might have been more, at one point, I gave him the link to my blog and I found out he actually reads it, and not I can't post if I'm trying to figure out stuff regarding him.

My ex agreed to let me keep posting here, without reading, although he had me change my handle to reflect his stature in my life. But he said that as long as I kept communicating as fully with him, I could have this space. That was ideal.

_____________________________

"Ring the bells that can still ring. Forget your perfect offering. There's a crack in everything. That's how the light gets in." Leonard Cohen.

(in reply to secretagentgirl)

Post #: 4

RE: When do you tell a potential D about the boards? - 12/19/2007 9:04:31 PM

sub4hire

Posts: 6775
Joined: 1/1/2004
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Simply put when you start seriously negotiating. The whole process is to get to know each other before any committments are made.

Remember anything you say on the internet can be tracked back to you with minimal internet knowledge. Blogs can be dangerous if you put too much of who you are inside of one. Just as message boards and so many other mediums on the net.

(in reply to liminalRapture)

Post #: 5

RE: When do you tell a potential D about the boards? - 12/19/2007 9:11:44 PM

domiguy

Posts: 12952
Joined: 5/2/2006
Status: offline

When my mom caught me on this site she was really, really pissed off....Then she read my journal and saw some of my posts....Jeeezus!!! Looks like it's gonna be another suck-ass Christmas! Aside from probably being grounded until I turn eighteen, I have to tolerate my Mom's new boyfriend Darryl....He grabs my mom's tits and ass and then raises his eyebrows and winks like he has really got ahold of some fresh and special prize...What a complete TOOL!!!

It is so alarming to think that somone might actually be reading what you have written....Who would of thunk that this could have ever been a possibility?.....It reminds me of last year when I signed Jenny Culver's yearbook and I wrote something like, "Hey Jenny, we should go out sometime." Well she showed it to a bunch of people...And you know that Jenny is kinda of a meaty gal...Well fuck!!! I was just being nice and shit!...Now I think there a probably a bunch of kids at school who think that I dig fat chicks or something like that....That sucks ass. Oh well, I wrote it...I just never thought anyone besides Jenny would ever see it...But then again, I'm only 16 and a half...What in the fuck is your excuse?...Old people are so lame.

< Message edited by domiguy -- 12/19/2007 9:13:02 PM >

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RE: When do you tell a potential D about the boards? - 12/19/2007 9:23:28 PM

TemptingNviceSub

Posts: 3054
Joined: 10/1/2005
Status: offline

I dont know..maybe I am just lazy, but I tell any potential Dominant that I post on the message boards..it gives them a better insight into who I am and what I feel about certain issues..it shows the good and the bad..and certainly saves me a whole lot of typing..and frankly, it helps open up a lot of discussion opportunities....Tempting

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I have greatly enjoyed the second blooming...suddenly you find at the age of 50, that a whole new life has opened before you.........Agatha Christie.

You must make tracks into the unknown~~Thoreau

(in reply to liminalRapture)

Post #: 7

RE: When do you tell a potential D about the boards? - 12/19/2007 9:25:54 PM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

I'd be surprised if it didn't come up in the second phone call or date- since it's something I do every day, really enjoy, and is related to a kink/authority type of life we both enjoy.

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Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

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(in reply to TemptingNviceSub)

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RE: When do you tell a potential D about the boards? - 12/19/2007 9:26:31 PM

Lordandmaster

Posts: 10943
Joined: 6/22/2004
Status: offline

Ummm...I don't think you should post anything that you wouldn't want someone to read.

Some people avoid this problem by creating a second screen name that they use just for the boards. Not that I'm recommending that subterfuge...

quote:

ORIGINAL: liminalRapture

I don't know about you, but I've posted vulnerabilities and fears on the boards (and on my blog) that I would rather reveal over time than just have him read them all in one fell swoop.

(in reply to liminalRapture)

Post #: 9

RE: When do you tell a potential D about the boards? - 12/19/2007 9:29:01 PM

IrishMist

Posts: 7480
Joined: 11/17/2005
Status: offline

LOL heck, my profile states that unless I recognize your name from the message boards, chances are I will just delete your emails. Of course, I am not looking for anyone either...so those that I do talk to on the other side know this.

< Message edited by IrishMist -- 12/19/2007 9:30:04 PM >

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If I said something to offend you, please tell me what it was so that I can say it again later.

(in reply to liminalRapture)

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RE: When do you tell a potential D about the boards? - 12/19/2007 9:53:38 PM

Tigrita

Posts: 484
Joined: 8/16/2007
From: California
Status: offline

I think it depends on what you want to talk about and how, and what kind of relationship you're looking for and what kind of person the dominant is. In my relationship, I feel like almost everything I feel is an open book to him, so anything I might post here I've either already talked to him about, or maybe am actually hoping he reads. Though he doesn't have a problem with me having privacy, there is nothing I share here that I couldn't talk to him about. And I couldn't keep him from reading and participating in the boards if my life depended on it. I actually enjoy using them as a sounding board sometimes to start a real time conversation from eachother's posts, or drop little tidbits (often rope to hang myself with, little insights into my mind or kinks that I'm too shy or proud to admit easily face to face...).

I do write a lot in my bound journal that I would not post here. Conflicted, irrational feelings that are transient, that would not be productive for anyone else, including him, to read, but once I sort my feelings out I go to him with them. Maybe try keeping your personal thoughts in a truly private place instead of online. And if struggling with issues with a man, talk to him about them directly, don't be afraid to feel what you feel and be who you are. Anyone who couldn't handle that and would reject you for it isn't right for you. It is scary, I know, but works out better that way IMO.

And I don't think it is necessarily subterfuge to have an account he doesn't know about for you to use for private things you're not ready to share with a partner yet. It just depends, like I said, on both of your expectations. But some things you might post here can be none of a potential dom's beeswax until you reach a certain point with him.

_____________________________

~ Tigrita

There is no right path, only the path you take.

Success is making life happen, versus just letting life happen to you.

"Many of the things I enjoy, I enjoy because I don't enjoy them." - Charlotte

(in reply to IrishMist)

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RE: When do you tell a potential D about the boards? - 12/19/2007 9:58:22 PM

onlyfreelycaged

Posts: 254
Joined: 4/3/2007
Status: offline

It depends on the relationship, as well as how serious it is. But, I do think that It should be talked about at some point *before* the relationship gets to the collaring stage.
I've told my One that i chat online, and have friends on here, and a blog. He's fine with it. That's all the details that He's had so far, becouse that's all the details that He cares to have. He tends to shy away from computers, and isn't a big fan of the internet..

(in reply to IrishMist)

Post #: 12

RE: When do you tell a potential D about the boards? - 12/19/2007 10:33:20 PM

daddyncherry

Posts: 656
Joined: 10/9/2007
Status: offline

i would tell him almost immediately, because, for me, even thought i tend to keep certain things very very private (or did when i was getting to know my Daddy) like my real name, where i live etc....i actually do WANT, NEED to be known by who i am with....When i was getting to know my Daddy, it was on MySpace, but i filled out every single survey thing that came across my eye balls, and put all kinds of things on my profile in an attempt to let him into me...so that he could sort of get to know me (not that he read any of those surveys or anything LOL, but at the time i hoped he would )

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Hugs,
cherry

Walking through life, and fear with a smile on my face.
Walking directly through the eye of the hurricane...and through to the other side..without fear....realizing everything will be okay. :)

being obedient 1day at a time

(in reply to liminalRapture)

Post #: 13

RE: When do you tell a potential D about the boards? - 12/20/2007 12:32:18 AM

MasterFireMaam

Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline

I do it right away. Part of my calling as a Master is to have a degree of transparency with my partners. When I post something about the relationship in my LJ, it's AFTER I've talked to them about it or at least let them know something is going on and that I'm going to blog about it.

If you're willing to trust a bunch of strangers, be willing to trust a potential Dom. He's a stranger, too.

Master Fire

_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
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Ms Relationship Books
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(in reply to liminalRapture)

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RE: When do you tell a potential D about the boards? - 12/20/2007 1:36:44 AM

sunshinemiss

Posts: 17673
Joined: 11/26/2007
Status: offline

Well, it's a good way to get into your head and understand you better as a person. I think the answer is different for each person and each situation. When do you want to share that? If there is something you don't want people to know, then maybe don't post it? That's where instant messaging, telephone calls to friends, and emailing comes in. I mean, the Dom might just stumble on it anyway, and what would you say if he said, "hey why didn't you tell me about this?"

I for one don't care what Doms see that I write. I write what I think - sometimes it is contradictory with something I wrote before... Well, that's how people are, we hold multiple different ideas at the same time. It's something vulnerable? Well, gosh, I'm a vulnerable gal. The one thing that might make me pause are the little flirtations that I might post... but *scratches my head* I am a flirtatious gal.

So, they get to know you a little better. That's kind of nice and easy on the fingers and voice.
peace

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Yes, I am a wonton hussy... and still sweet as 3.14

(in reply to MasterFireMaam)

Post #: 15

RE: When do you tell a potential D about the boards? - 12/20/2007 2:19:40 AM

beeble

Posts: 799
Joined: 5/25/2005
From: UK
Status: offline

quote:

liminalRapture wrote: I've posted vulnerabilities and fears on the boards (and on my blog) that I would rather reveal over time than just have him read them all in one fell swoop. [...] I haven't volunteered info with anyone I haven't known particularly well.

I'm confused. You say that you've posted things in a public forum and then say that you haven't volunteered this information to people you don't know well. Have I misunderstood?

(in reply to liminalRapture)

Post #: 16

RE: When do you tell a potential D about the boards? - 12/20/2007 2:42:25 AM

BBWnNC72

Posts: 1155
Joined: 6/22/2007
From: NC since Jan of 2007, but born and raised in Cali
Status: offline

if i didnt want some one to know something, i wouldnt post it here or in my journal on CM. my trainer pretty much knows everything about me, he likes to know my feelings and thoughts, i am not allowed to hold them back. so Him reading anything i write here or in my journal is fine with me.

_____________________________

huggs and purrs
Brian's kat
a.k.a. "greedy monkey"
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
i am who i am, i am not ashamed. spank me, beat me, bite me, pull my hair, dominate me, control me, but always respect me for who i am.

(in reply to beeble)

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RE: When do you tell a potential D about the boards? - 12/20/2007 3:47:43 AM

petpete

Posts: 677
Joined: 7/6/2007
Status: offline

i have to admit that thank Gewd for the boards.. Without this section and asking people with experience, reading there own experiences and valuable answers i got by members of this community through these message boards i now feel more comfortable about the scene and more confident as a person and about my sexuality. Even though i had a Mistress in the past i still felt that i had many unanswered questions and quite frankly G/guys lets face it, that the answers a sub would receive from its own D they will be considered biest and only to serve the interests of the D itself. Reading on profiles on there own will not give answers and quite frankly people are interested on what they are looking for and not giving answers to others.. So by Golly thanks again to all the people who provide there valuable knowledge through these boards so that W/we can make our own assumptions of how W/we should follow this lifestyle.

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Chief: Max, you realize you'll be facing every kind of danger imaginable.
Max: And loving it!

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RE: When do you tell a potential D about the boards? - 12/20/2007 6:13:03 AM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

I can't imagine anybody's going to sit down and read a thousand or more posts at one sitting. Probably just look at your newest ones. I find that if people aren't really interested in the boards they don't suddenly become so just to check somebody out.

Anyway, my best suggestion for board privacy is to post a lot so they can't keep up with you! Or get them involved in W.O.W. or such, at which point they won't have any free time.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to petpete)

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RE: When do you tell a potential D about the boards? - 12/20/2007 6:29:18 AM

liminalRapture

Posts: 181
Joined: 9/6/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: beeble
I'm confused. You say that you've posted things in a public forum and then say that you haven't volunteered this information to people you don't know well. Have I misunderstood?

You haven't misunderstood. For some reason, I hate to reveal any vulnerabilities or weaknesses in person. Eventually, I want someone to actually care enough to find out where they are, but I seem to be incapable of volunteering that information.

In the last few years, I've come to an intellectual understanding of my vulnerabilities and weaknesses, but I still recoil. I can't believe, on a visceral level, that someone would actually want me with all those fears, weaknesses, flaws. (Even as I intellectually know it isn't true.)

In 1999 or something, I had a vanilla date actually read maybe 800 postings I had on a usenet group (on art!) and thrust one in my face to ask why I'd written something about fear of commitment 6 years earlier! (Pre-netscape, it didn't really occur to me that dejanews would come around and catalog all our usenet postings.) And the way he handled it was horrid: "J'accuse!" But it was also rather touching. So I don't really have a problem with someone who has decent communication skills reading my postings, but it is a little more of a 'big reveal' than I could handle upfront.

And, of course, if I get in a relationship, I don't like to bring my problems to him until I know what they actually are. I think men have limited energy for touchy-feely stuff, so I'd rather be as clear as possible as to what I'm feeling and why I think that is.

_____________________________

"Ring the bells that can still ring. Forget your perfect offering. There's a crack in everything. That's how the light gets in." Leonard Cohen.

(in reply to beeble)

Post #: 20

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