RE: What is "Mastering Yourself"? (Full Version)

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion



Message

Leatherist -> RE: What is "Mastering Yourself"? (12/26/2007 8:07:05 AM)

Nodding to Merc......overcoming the need for external validation seems to be a big part of it.

Realizing your faults seems to be a key there.



LadyHugs -> RE: What is "Mastering Yourself"? (12/26/2007 8:30:29 AM)

Dear CuriousLord, Ladies and Gentlemen;
 
Lovely topic and wonderful posts thus far.
 
For me, Mastering Myself is how do I define myself as a Master, the style, traits, standards, ethics and all of me as a human being, I inter-reflect and ask my soul and my spirit--would I in a slave's position 'want' to be slave to me.  I would ask in a slave's position-- 'would I need' to be a slave to a Master like me.  Would I provide what a slave would be in need/want of which is not an intermitten thing but, a constant draw on my person and as a Master.  Would and do I act in a way, where I keep a consistant example of goodness and compassion in my heart and soul and be able to give what goodness and compassion to those slaves I have.  I would also ask myself if I am capable of fair discipline/punishment/adjudication.  Would I be able to control my human faults as well as to expect others to control their 'human faults.'  Do I have the power to forgive as much and even more so.  Do I have the qualities of leadership as well as the qualities of being lead.  Do I have the humble nature to understand that I will make mistakes and hope my slave will forgive me.  Do I want to have the duties, responsibilities as to be responsible and dutiful to myself and add others to it.  Do I listen and listen with my eyes, to hear another's plea or their expressions--no matter what they may be...Am I able to give unconditional love and a safe place to come as to promote the slave in my life a haven where right or wrong, they will be treated with dignity, respect, affection, praise and my abiding appreciation.  Do I have the character, standards and traits, skill and knowledge to fulfill my tasks as to be a "Master."  Will I continue to maintain and or improve upon as a Master.  Am I able to be inspired as well as to be inspired myself.  Do I have goals, plans, expectations that I achieved and have achieved in mind.  Not 'wing it' or make up things as I go along as far as management of another human being--my slave and or slaves.
 
If I can say yes to all of these -- I feel I can master myself and when the time is right--Master another.
 
Just some thoughts.
 
Respectfully submitted for consideration,
Lady Hugs



Leatherist -> RE: What is "Mastering Yourself"? (12/26/2007 8:36:34 AM)

I realized something a long time ago.

I tend to value my independence. So I am more into friends than I am into the whole "d/s with eternal committments" gig. Took me a while to get past the sterotypes and realize that I am just not the master sort. I do this for fun, and the admission that I don't need to conform to a stereotype to have it is part of MY self Mastery.

A leash has someone attached to either end folks. You can become a slave to a slave. Not my thing.



Outlier2 -> RE: What is "Mastering Yourself"? (12/26/2007 8:49:32 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: CuriousLord

What does it mean to "Master" one's self?  How is this different from the normal self-control a vanilla person is expected to have?


In many posts, I see references to "Mastering [yourself]".  I have to admit, it confuses me.  I mean, of course, you should be in control of yourself to be an effective leader, but.. shouldn't everyone be in control of themselves?  Isn't this just.. something most people do..?  Or is there something more to it when people talk about it like this?


CL,

Excellent question, and the best thread I have seen here in some time.
I would like to thank everyone who has thoughtfully contributed before me.
And I look forward to more contributions from the people on here that I respect.

quote:


I mean, of course, you should be in control of yourself to be an effective leader, but.. shouldn't everyone be in control of themselves?  Isn't this just.. something most people do..?


No, it is not something most people do.  Not at the level that is
implied by the word "Master".  Most people are not that self aware.
and/or that self disiplined.  And many who are in one area of their
lives are not in another.  It is a life long process.  And thinking you
have accomplished it is a sure sign that you are clueless about it.

Outlier



MasterHX -> RE: What is "Mastering Yourself"? (12/26/2007 8:57:59 AM)

How does "Mastering oneself" differ from "being in control?"

How does a slave differ from a submissive?

Yeah, it's a kettle of worms on both fronts, because each has a personal meaning.  Obviously it means something different to different people, and the definitions aren't set in stone.  The next obvious question is, what do the relative phrases mean to me?

Essentially the same thing, although the devil, as they say, is in the details.  What is the difference?  You can be in control of yourself in a given situation, be it resisting a specific temptation, fighting off rage, etc... Mastering oneself (to me) is the process of asserting such control in all aspects of my life.  It's keeping all my 'deadly sins' in check, while allowing virtues to flourish.  It's keep an *accurate* view of myself, maintaining awareness of my shortcomings, and doing all that I can to remedy them.

And yes, like MidMichCowboy said, it's a process.  I don't know if anyone ever actually "gets there," but it's a worthwhile path to be on.

HunterX



juliaoceania -> RE: What is "Mastering Yourself"? (12/26/2007 9:08:50 AM)

I think of the Eastern disciplines when I think of those who have mastered themselves...

Very few completely master themselves, Mich stated how I feel about this, it is a process, a lifelong journey, and it is not about BDSM, or the roles inherent in a power exchange...

If I learn to master myself more efficiently, then my Daddy has less work to do. I do not need him to "master" me, I need him to be my Dominant. I crave to give my power over, the control... but I find, for at least me, that I cannot give what I do not possess. If I lack control over myself, how can I give it to him? If I lack mastery over myself, how can I let him master me? I do not see how I can.

I work hard on controlling myself body, mind, and spirit. The more control I have over these aspects of my being, the more submissive I am to him... it may seem paradoxical, but it makes sense to me. He desires me to be as fit as I can be, I must be disciplined and workout and master my body. He wants me to work on being more successful, I must master my desire not to work and be more productive... etc.



Missokyst -> RE: What is "Mastering Yourself"? (12/26/2007 9:24:30 AM)

All that is below and most especially knowing yourself.
Kyst

quote:

ORIGINAL: julietsierra
To me, for dominants, mastering one's self means taking charge of your life before you take charge of someone else's. For submissives, it means you can't give up control unless you have control in the first place. For both, it means being the very best you can be, simply because that's the expectation you have for yourself and then, living life and developing relationships from that perspective.

quote:

ORIGINAL: LaTigresse
For me it means taking responsibility for ALL my shit. Mental, emotional, physical. Doing what is right, not what is most fun, etc.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Gwynvyd
Having Dominion, or Self Mastery to me is to be fully awake in every moment. To realize why your mind goes through a certain process when things occur, the ability to set your Self and Ego aside.. and to do what is best, and right with out throwing a temper tantum. So many in and out of the lifestyle see things going "badly" in thier lives, and throw fits, give up, or get angry. Having that Dominion of yourself means you can get a grip, make a plan and inact it.



Padriag -> RE: What is "Mastering Yourself"? (12/26/2007 9:27:03 AM)

I very much enjoyed your post Merc, there was much in it I agree with.  I really wish I could focus enough right now to comment on it, but between this past month and the holidays I'm just about completely drained.  So instead I'll limit my comments to a few points.

I agree, self mastery is a journey and a process as you and others have variously put it.  I commented earlier on the poem If and for me it is a sort of personal standard.  I discovered that poem when I was a teenager and its had quite an impact on my life as I've pursued its merits.  The irony is I don't think there has ever been a day in my life yet where I have fully lived up to that lofty goal (but as another poet said, "though my troop fell thence vanquish, yet to have attempted a lofty enterprise is still a trophy..").  It remains something I still strive for... always a little better understanding of myself, a little more control, a little more understanding of others, a little more patience and compassion when needed, a little more hardness when necessary, a little more perseverence, a little stronger, a little faster, a little smarter, a little wiser...   You could say I'm rolling my very own stone up an endless hill, and for me that's what self mastery is in many ways, yet it is no burden at all... I relish this duty.

Reading over all these comments something else occured to me.  That how we each define self mastery is very much colored by our own personal challenges.  Some have talked about letting go of the need for external validation.  I agree, that's part of it, and yet it didn't occur to me until I saw someone else write it down... for me that wasn't a significant challenge in my personal journey... for others it may be a big one.  There is self-acceptance, self-trust, self-understanding involved... how much depends on who you are.  What I'm trying to say in my round about way is that for each of us the journey to self mastery is different because we are all different.  What comes easy to some may be a mountain to climb for others.

There are so many who never climb those mountains at all, having at most reached the foothills and there stopped supposing that surficed; and having stopped there, ceasing to strive, never see what lies beyond those peaks and cannot understand those who, having gone onward, now see life from a different view.

And yes, I agree also with your final point, that sometimes that journey takes you to a place where you find yourself alone.  Finding a companion to share that with is, for some of us, that last mountain to surmount.  But that doesn't mean it is a lonely place to be.  To quote Robert Frost...


I do not see why I should e’er turn back,
Or those should not set forth upon my track
To overtake me, who should miss me here
And long to know if still I held them dear.

They would not find me changed from him they knew—
Only more sure of all I thought was true.



Leatherist -> RE: What is "Mastering Yourself"? (12/26/2007 9:46:55 AM)

Padraig...........

If one cannot be happy alone, but seeks that in another-they never will be.

Because others will always dissapoint us eventually-it's just human. Pedestals are the ultimate in emotional masochism.



IrishMist -> RE: What is "Mastering Yourself"? (12/26/2007 9:56:53 AM)

quote:

Within and outside the context of bdsm, to me, mastering one's self means that the person has taken a thoughtful approach to life, him or herself, and their position within the life they lead. They have taken the time to get to know themselves, to understand how they operate and why they think the way they do. They are centered, confident and "calm" for lack of a better word.


I find this to be the best description that there is.



Mercnbeth -> RE: What is "Mastering Yourself"? (12/26/2007 10:57:04 AM)

quote:

And yes, I agree also with your final point, that sometimes that journey takes you to a place where you find yourself alone.  Finding a companion to share that with is, for some of us, that last mountain to surmount.  But that doesn't mean it is a lonely place to be. 


Padriag,
Being alone and being lonely are not synonymous. There was a time I preferred being alone and was extremely happy living alone. I'd represent I never felt or understood what being lonely meant until after meeting beth. Now its easy to define. Lonely is not being with her.

Going through the ongoing and evolutionary process potentially having a less than desirable result shouldn't discourage you from the process. Should you discover the person you are is a person you hate you can do something about it. You may not have the ability to change your nature but knowing yourself and prioritizing obtainable goals is a better alternative to wallowing in self loathing. Then again for some self loathing is a career path. To me it is the ultimate example of egocentric selfishness. You know the type; every response they give to positive suggestion starts with a reply of; "I can't...". Imagine that's the answer you give yourself at a point in self mastery where you conclude there must be a change? It indicates that you've graded yourself a failure.

What partner, complimentary compatible or not, would seek and value a self identified failure? There is one and we can read about them daily on the pages of CM; the exploiting opportunists or the 'fore-ployer' who uses any ploy which can result in their selfish goal. The lie you tell yourself is sad. The same lie exploited by another is down right dangerous. There is no way to share someone else's confidence or self esteem. You have to, and you better, have some of your own when attempting to initiate a relationship. Its my opinion you generate those traits though a process of self awareness; or "Mastering yourself". Its much more important than any personal profile label or limit.

The practical skills, such as being able to flick a dime off a nipple with a 20 foot bull-whip, are nice. However, I think "Mastery" whether on the submissive or dominant side of the flogger, is better illustrated by the ability to say "whoops!"After all, it IS funny and you should laugh at yourself with your partner when your single tail practice does more damage to you than your intended paper target.

Good to see you posting Padriag! Thanks for the commentary and especially for the reference to Frost. I found the verse very much on point.



Leatherist -> RE: What is "Mastering Yourself"? (12/26/2007 12:31:37 PM)

And more than anything else-it's not being tied up in your own bullshit to the point that you cannot see who you really are.



DarkDaddyZ -> RE: What is "Mastering Yourself"? (12/26/2007 12:41:03 PM)

Replies to no-one in particular-

All good posts here, and I agree with most of them or at least some of what is said by each of you.  However, it is very easy for a "Master" to feel like they wear a cape like Superman, that we have all the world's answers and can fix any problem.  We dominants (I don't do the word Master) are humans who happen to enjoy power exchange in a dominant role.  The role of the dominant in my opinion is as equal as the role in a submissive. 

I can't fix the worlds problems.  I have my opinions and suggestions and I try to do the right thing in relationships and guide where I need to be. Yet I don't wear a cape and I don't want to be put up on a pedestal.  When you believe in the system of a Master MUST do this and MUST do that and must follow this community standard or this leather book author's standard, like many in the clergy you can set yourself up for failure.  A Dominant (like a submissive) must continue to grow as a person first and learn as a person.  He or she will fall down and it life depends on if they chose to get up or not.  Some do, some don't.

The term Mastering Yourself to me is another one of those romanticizing BDSM terms.

Z-



Leatherist -> RE: What is "Mastering Yourself"? (12/26/2007 12:46:16 PM)

Or you can just be a person and leave the role playing to the kiddies.



CuriousLord -> RE: What is "Mastering Yourself"? (12/26/2007 12:54:43 PM)

Thank you all for the responses, particularly well thought out.  It's taken me a while to read through them all.

I feel the comments about "Mastering Yourself" being the self-control everyone should have, applied to BDSM, are an apt description.  This said, it struck me as odd that it even had to be mentioned here.  Still, as several pointed out, the self-control that some of us may feel is required of humans isn't universal.

We still have addicts on everything from alcohol to cigarrettes to drugs to, well, tons of things.  People who commit crimes out of a lack of self-control, can't maintain their calm.  People who rather adopt a belief system instead of looking at life in earnest.  Even just people who want something, but when they wake up in the morning, can't take the steps towards what it is that they want..
Point here being that those who made the claim that so many on Earth aren't in true control of themselves seem to have a strong basis for such an observation.

It seems that "Mastering Yourself", in the BDSM context, needn't go so far as being in strong control of all aspects of life (such as having to still smoke wouldn't impede self-mastery in the BDSM context), but that it would mean being able to keep a calm and level head about aspects of one's life regarding this lifestyle and its associated practices.  Perhaps, in some larger sense, it also includes, to some lesser extent, self-control in normal life?

I've typically seen the term used with regards to Master's, but one sub made an interesting point that she couldn't give over control of herself to her Dom if she didn't have some level of self-mastery.  This seemed to imply that a slave doesn't necessarily have to master herself, as her Master would do that for her, but that a sub needs to have a higher level of it to maintain the dynamic.  It's something I can't say I've thought about before, though it strikes me as a strong point.
Another contrasting point between the M/s and D/s dynamics.

My thanks to everyone who contributed such replies.



Leatherist -> RE: What is "Mastering Yourself"? (12/26/2007 12:58:02 PM)

A slave who cannot muster enough control to MAKE time for a master is a joke.



thetammyjo -> RE: What is "Mastering Yourself"? (12/26/2007 1:05:00 PM)

I think that mastering one's self isn't really about control, it's about self awareness and knowledge coupled with the ability and motivation to thrive to be better.

I think many times it gets confused with not being emotional or always thinking consciously and never being relaxed. I think those conditions represent fears, not mastering of one's self. One should not allow actions to be driven by automatic reflex but one must also be healthy and confident enough to feel and let go and flow with the world around one.

I think it's a good, mature quality for anyone to have.



Level -> RE: What is "Mastering Yourself"? (12/26/2007 1:17:02 PM)

quote:

LaTigresse wrote:

For me it means taking responsibility for ALL my shit. Mental, emotional, physical. Doing what is right, not what is most fun, etc.


quote:

juliet wrote:

To me, for dominants, mastering one's self means taking charge of your life before you take charge of someone else's. For submissives, it means you can't give up control unless you have control in the first place. For both, it means being the very best you can be, simply because that's the expectation you have for yourself and then, living life and developing relationships from that perspective.


Good stuff there.





MadRabbit -> RE: What is "Mastering Yourself"? (12/26/2007 2:21:25 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: topcat

IF
 
IF you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise:
 
If you can dream - and not make dreams your master;
If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools:
 
If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breathe a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: 'Hold on!'

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
' Or walk with Kings - nor lose the common touch,
if neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And - which is more - you'll be a Man, my son!
 
 
Rudyard Kipling.


This is probably the best answer to this question.

I've always been a fan of Kipling, but this is the first time I have read this.

Thanks, topcat. I have something new for my collection.



Tigrita -> RE: What is "Mastering Yourself"? (12/26/2007 2:53:56 PM)

Self mastery, to me, is applying the same principles of being a good or respectable master/dominant over another, to yourself.  These qualities vary depending who you ask, but to me, it would mean  being someone who can make healthy, responsible, productive decisions; able to look deeply into things to gain insight and apply it responsibly for growth, fulfillment, progress; able to use good judgment over rash emotion, see things for what they really are and know themselves...  These principles must be demonstrated towards themselves and thier own life before they can responsibly master another.  And  I 100% agree that a submissive must master themselves as well before they can choose to subject themselves to another individual in a healthy way and not as an escape from responsibility for their own lives.  



Page: <<   < prev  1 [2] 3   next >   >>

Valid CSS!




Collarchat.com © 2025
Terms of Service Privacy Policy Spam Policy
0.03125