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What is "Mastering Yourself"? - 12/25/2007 11:52:16 PM

CuriousLord

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What does it mean to "Master" one's self? How is this different from the normal self-control a vanilla person is expected to have?

In many posts, I see references to "Mastering [yourself]". I have to admit, it confuses me. I mean, of course, you should be in control of yourself to be an effective leader, but.. shouldn't everyone be in control of themselves? Isn't this just.. something most people do..? Or is there something more to it when people talk about it like this?

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RE: What is "Mastering Yourself"? - 12/26/2007 12:11:54 AM

chicagochick

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I think its an interesting question. I guess I would say that I've always thought of it as a combination of self control (ie how do you handle dissapointment or frustration etc) as well as having your life "together." To me that doesn't have to mean that you make a lot of money, or live in a fancy house etc, but more that you are stable (at least to the degree possible at that stage in life) and are moving forward in life. I see a lot of people who would claim the title of Dom/Master/Lord etc, but who clearly have anger issues, or who can't hold a job for more then two months, or always have excuses about why a relationship didn't work etc. To me it is all part of a package of being a reasonably well adjusted human being and if you aren't there (or working hard to get there) then I don't see how you can help another person do the same and take on any of those additional responsibilities when you're struggling to handle your own.

(in reply to CuriousLord)

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RE: What is "Mastering Yourself"? - 12/26/2007 12:30:15 AM

charmdpetKeira

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I don’t think of “Mastering one’s self” the same as being in control of one’s self.
Controlling myself would be me keeping my mouth shut when something has made me angry. Mastering self, is understanding why I was angry and turning that energy into something productive, if justified.

k

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RE: What is "Mastering Yourself"? - 12/26/2007 12:57:10 AM

MasterFireMaam

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The simple answer is that we expect Masters to have this trait and often overlook that the slave should, too. I feel that everyone has a degree of responsibility to become self-aware and to work through their stuff. However, most do not and so we often site it as a sign of a good Master.

A longer answer: In my belief system, the Master does this in order to be a better person, which makes them a better Master. They then turn and offer a hand to the slaves who choose to follow them and aide them in doing the same. For some of us, we extend a hand to the community too, no matter what role we are. I've learned a great deal about myself from both Master and slave. I also also try to help those who come to events/workshops/rituals I lead or teach at, no matter what their role. For me, this is a path of spiritual development and enlightenment.

Master Fire

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(in reply to CuriousLord)

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RE: What is "Mastering Yourself"? - 12/26/2007 1:42:15 AM

julietsierra

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Well, sadly, I don't think that mastering one's self or even simply being in control of one's self is something very many people do at all. In fact, bdsm or vanilla, I find that it's a very rare person who can manage this at all beyond the superficial.

Within and outside the context of bdsm, to me, mastering one's self means that the person has taken a thoughtful approach to life, him or herself, and their position within the life they lead. They have taken the time to get to know themselves, to understand how they operate and why they think the way they do. They are centered, confident and "calm" for lack of a better word.

Within the context of bdsm, mastering one's self means having a solid idea of what one wants in their life. More to the point however, if we're talking about dominants (which is the context this is most often used in), they have a plan. There is no confusion about wanting this on one day and the opposite on the next. They are consistent in their approach to their given role and the people they are in control of can depend on them. (I don't mean be dependant upon them).

However, in my opinion, submissives really should be taking this approach as well. All too often it seems, submissives seem to be looking for the parental replacement (not to be confused with the fun of those daddy/daughter relationships). They want someone to tell them what to do - not because this feels good to them, not because it gets them off or anything like that. They want this parental replacement because they simply do not want to take control of their own lives. It's one thing to know you can manage what it takes to live a good life and CHOOSE to turn it over to someone else, sometimes, even knowing that that person just might not do as good a job as you when it comes down to the details. However, turning a life over to someone simply because it's too complicated to figure out on your own, to me, isn't submission. It's abbrogation of the responsibility of simply living life.

I know not everyone takes this approach, and I know that there are wonderful relationships out there that have stood the test of time and were, in fact, begun because one person couldn't figure life out. I know that within these relationships, life can be good and wonderful and all that. However, if these forums are any indication, there are far more people out there for whom these kinds of relationships do not work.We see their posts every day as they question even the rudiments of life - "he hasn't talked to me in over a month, should I break up with him?", "He beat me to a pulp, took all my things and hasn't worked in 6 months, how can I get him to love me?" and the list goes on and on. Most of the time, it strikes me that if they spent half the amount of time they're investing in trying to make a bad relationship good simply contemplating and then, putting into action things that would make THEIR lives better, they wouldn't even be questioning whether the patently bad relationship could be made better. The bottom line here is that in general, healthy people tend to choose healthy relationships, no matter how they're structured, and people who aren't... typically, don't. (This last line is my mother's. I've come to see her point, although I argued loud and long - "oh! So, because someone ends up in a bad relationship, they're unhealthy?!" To which she would calmly reply "No, people who STAY in bad relationships even to the detriment of themselves are unhealthy. People who keep on choosing the same bad situation over and over and over again, are unhealthy" - I hate it when I have to admit my mother was right - again.)

Anyway, I digress - I think. In the end, to me, mastering one's self is something that is, as has been said by others, important for everyone, regardless of which side of the D/s fence someone is sitting on or even if they are vanilla.

To me, for dominants, mastering one's self means taking charge of your life before you take charge of someone else's. For submissives, it means you can't give up control unless you have control in the first place. For both, it means being the very best you can be, simply because that's the expectation you have for yourself and then, living life and developing relationships from that perspective.

juliet

< Message edited by julietsierra -- 12/26/2007 1:54:53 AM >

(in reply to MasterFireMaam)

Post #: 5

RE: What is "Mastering Yourself"? - 12/26/2007 3:16:34 AM

HalloweenWhite

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Mastering yourself basically means being in control of yourself.

(in reply to CuriousLord)

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RE: What is "Mastering Yourself"? - 12/26/2007 5:17:52 AM

topcat

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From: Tidewater, VA
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IF

IF you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise:

If you can dream - and not make dreams your master;
If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools:

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breathe a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: 'Hold on!'

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
' Or walk with Kings - nor lose the common touch,
if neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And - which is more - you'll be a Man, my son!

Rudyard Kipling.

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RE: What is "Mastering Yourself"? - 12/26/2007 5:40:21 AM

Prinsexx

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quote:

ORIGINAL: HalloweenWhite

Mastering yourself basically means being in control of yourself.

Yes and no.......
the term 'being in control' so often gets thiought of as holding back, being in check, stopping oneself....I think of being in control much more as 'being sorted', being knowledgeable, being 'wised-up'....in bdsm terms I think it means the capacity to 'want' rather than to 'need' as no-one else either in the bdsm world or the vanilla world can really satisfy our needs....only we can do that, as in satidfy our needs when we are hungry or cold or needing emotional sustenance.
Therefore mastering oneself would be taking those steps to ensure that we do all that we can to bring ourselves into good health annd well being in order to relate to another...
sermon over and I'll get down off the soap box back onto my knees lol.............

(in reply to HalloweenWhite)

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RE: What is "Mastering Yourself"? - 12/26/2007 5:47:46 AM

MissSCD

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I would think Mastering one's self is an Art Form of being Dom/me. The vanilla side of control would be like a good boss. Some have it, and some don't.
It is the same with dominating someone. It takes both concent from the sub and the ability to Master one's own emotions to do it.
I can do this with my slave.
I just don't have that ability to exhibit dominating traits to others because I don't feel I need to do so. It is not my responsibility.
Good and interesting post. Something to think about.

Regards, MissSCD

(in reply to Prinsexx)

Post #: 9

RE: What is "Mastering Yourself"? - 12/26/2007 5:58:51 AM

MidMichCowboy

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I think that "Mastering Yourself" is a journey. I can hear everyone go ... geesh, now he's going to get all philosophical. Yes, I am.

A person goes on a journey when we are born. We are all given skills, obstacles, and a wide open world in which to journey. We have joy, pain, happiness and sorrow. I believe that those very few who do master themselves learn to use their gifts and skills to improve themselves, their family and friends and the world (yes, for you Jeffersonians, social responsibility). I believe we overcome obstacles (even those we create by ourselves).

We need to realize the potential that is within each of us, on a personal level, an intimate level, a family level, and a social level.

I don't claim to be there yet, but I am working on it.

_____________________________

I want to capture your mind, your spirit, your soul, your body, your devotion and your love. Then, will I give you my heart.

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RE: What is "Mastering Yourself"? - 12/26/2007 6:06:56 AM

TreasureKY

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I've never considered "mastering yourself" differently in the context of being "vanilla" or "BDSM"... just that I feel it is even more important that someone who puts him or her self forth as desiring and available to dominate others in a 24/7 type committed relationship should have first mastered themselves...

Or at least shown significant progress toward mastering themselves. I'm not sure it isn't an ongoing and life-long process.

To me, it encompasses most of what has been mentioned above... being self-aware and having clear goals in life, but the action and results are what really count. A person can be self-aware and know where they want to be in life, yet if they lack the skills, methods and self-discipline to actively address issues and make consistent and steady progress toward achieving those goals, then they still haven't begun to master his or herself.

I've known people who are very self-aware, but they weren't interested in correcting any flaws or they lacked the self-discipline to do so.

Some people are very self-disciplined and have great control over themselves, but because they don't understand who they are and why they do what they do, they can't pinpoint problems.

There are also people who have tremendous vision... they can tell you in great detail how they want their lives to be, but in reality they have neither the awareness or discipline to get there.

I believe self-mastery is a combination of self-awareness, motivation and self-control.

But I agree with what has been put forth... that mastering oneself should be actively sought by all people regardless of their position or lifestyle choices. Unfortunately, it isn't.

< Message edited by TreasureKY -- 12/26/2007 6:08:48 AM >

(in reply to CuriousLord)

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RE: What is "Mastering Yourself"? - 12/26/2007 6:16:02 AM

Leatherist

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I hold down a day job-pay my bills on time and have a fairly happy life. A big part of mastering your life is to not let parasites into it. I'm not the "daddy type" for a very good reason.

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I'm not taking custom orders.

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RE: What is "Mastering Yourself"? - 12/26/2007 6:55:49 AM

LaTigresse

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For me it means taking responsibility for ALL my shit. Mental, emotional, physical. Doing what is right, not what is most fun, etc.

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Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to CuriousLord)

Post #: 13

RE: What is "Mastering Yourself"? - 12/26/2007 7:20:20 AM

Gwynvyd

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I agree with many here.

I think any one who wants a half way decent shot at happiness and love has to have a Mastery of themselves. Be they a Dom/me or a sub.

So many people walk through thier lives like zombies... never paying attention to thier thoughts, or reactions. This is one of my fave. quotes.. it is on a homepage of mine.
"The millions are awake enough for physical labor, but only one in a million is awake enough for effective intellectual exertion, only one in a hundred million to a poetic or divine life. To be awake is to be alive."

Having Dominion, or Self Mastery to me is to be fully awake in every moment. To realize why your mind goes through a certain process when things occur, the ability to set your Self and Ego aside.. and to do what is best, and right with out throwing a temper tantum. So many in and out of the lifestyle see things going "badly" in thier lives, and throw fits, give up, or get angry. Having that Dominion of yourself means you can get a grip, make a plan and inact it.

It also to me means you have a plan in life. You are not living day to day taking what ever comes your way because you havent the foggiest of what to do with yourself or your life. It also to me means you decently have your shit together. Who wants some one who can not hold down a job, or a house, or deal with thier mundane shit? Things happen yes, but there should be a history there of stability. This of course goes for both Dom/mes and subs.

We do tend to expect more from a Dom/me since many take on a teaching and nurturing role... but that by no means excuses subs to be a wreck in thier personal life.. and looking for a convient landing pad for security. Both should be help mates, and have stablity. ( In my Opinion... )

I think this is why I take on "Alpha Male subs" the kind you would never guess out side of a scene to be submissive in the least. They have control of thier lives, are looked up to, and really have it together. I am thier Domme, not thier mommie. I like some age play.. but not 24/7 because some one doesnt have thier shit together.

So in short, it is emotional maturity, security in your mundane life, and the ability to realize things about yourself and fix them before you place things in other peoples laps. TCB.

Just my 2 ducats.. keep the change.

Gwyn

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Come for the boobs, stay for the brains.

Be the kinda woman that when your feet hit the floor in the morning the Devil says "Oh shit, shes awake..."
~ Softandshy's "Shiney"

(in reply to LaTigresse)

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RE: What is "Mastering Yourself"? - 12/26/2007 7:24:09 AM

DesFIP

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In addition to having all your ducks in a row I would add the ability to deny yourself. There's a tendency for dominants to act as selfishly as they can, but that tendency can be bad for the submissive and destructive to the relationship. So the ability to forego things in favor of keeping the relationship strong is essential.

And sadly, something I see few people in relationships have; sub or dom, vanilla or kinky.

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RE: What is "Mastering Yourself"? - 12/26/2007 7:25:35 AM

SL4V3M4YB3

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From: S.E. London U.K.
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quote:

ORIGINAL: CuriousLord

What does it mean to "Master" one's self?

It’s just another stupid term made up by those wanting to feel superior to everyone else.
Thanks
Bye.

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Memory Lane...been there done that.

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RE: What is "Mastering Yourself"? - 12/26/2007 7:39:33 AM

TMaster2

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Whether they are the same, similar, or different to varying degrees, as posited by the posts here, it is very surprising how many don't have any of these qualities, as evidenced by the crap that people email around this place. I don't know if that's particular to immature bdsm mindsets/fantasies or to immaturity in general, but it is quite prevalent around the CM universe. That could be the reason for posts on profiles, etc. calling for more of this mastering or control.

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RE: What is "Mastering Yourself"? - 12/26/2007 7:49:06 AM

Padriag

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quote:

ORIGINAL: CuriousLord

What does it mean to "Master" one's self?

Topcat posted the poem "If" by Rudyard Kipling, one of my favorites. It is also, in my opinion, the best definition of what self mastery means I have ever read.

quote:

How is this different from the normal self-control a vanilla person is expected to have?

For the most part it doesn't, in theory, differ. The two exceptions that come to mind are, a) we apply it to relationship dynamics and kinks many people don't engage in, and b) while most people might be expected to have that sort of self control in theory, the reality is many do not.

quote:

In many posts, I see references to "Mastering [yourself]". I have to admit, it confuses me. I mean, of course, you should be in control of yourself to be an effective leader, but.. shouldn't everyone be in control of themselves? Isn't this just.. something most people do..? Or is there something more to it when people talk about it like this?

I agree with Juliet, many... perhaps even "most", people don't possess as much self control as might be hoped for or expected. Take a look at the statistics for people with large amounts of credit card debt, road rage, drug addictions, etc. all of which stem from a lack of self control over their spending habits, their emotions, etc. People who are stable, financially responsible, who manage their emotions and their lives well seem to be increasingly uncommon. As for effective leaders, those have always been the rare exception. Few people make really good leaders... while a much larger percentage like to imagine themselves as such but lack the ability.

Is there something more too it. No, I don't think so. On the other hand, its a quality oft advertised but much less often delivered upon.

_____________________________

Padriag

A stern discipline pervades all nature, which is a little cruel so that it may be very kind - Edmund Spencer

(in reply to CuriousLord)

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RE: What is "Mastering Yourself"? - 12/26/2007 7:55:13 AM

Leatherist

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I really feel that one should do things in self control to have one's own sense of peace and stability. Rather than merely to offer that to someone who identifies with a role- and uses that role wrongly to seek enablement.

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I'm not taking custom orders.

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Post #: 19

RE: What is "Mastering Yourself"? - 12/26/2007 8:04:01 AM

Mercnbeth

Posts: 11766
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quote:

ORIGINAL: CuriousLord
What does it mean to "Master" one's self? How is this different from the normal self-control a vanilla person is expected to have?
I mean, of course, you should be in control of yourself to be an effective leader, but.. shouldn't everyone be in control of themselves? Or is there something more to it when people talk about it like this?

CL,
The reference isn't necessarily a function of "self control". Engaging in scenes requires self control, "Mastery" with the use of your strength and power to inflict pain, both physical and/or emotional/mental contingent on your desires and your partners goals. However "Mastering one's self" isn't a function of 'what' occurs. It is an understanding of why.

I think many people experience a feeling of desire. For some it becomes a drive to experience a sensation. For some that sensation comes from being the source of sensation, others the recipient. Others can experience the same overwhelming drive to experience either side of the flogger depending on the 'vibe' they get from a partner, or other, outside influences in their life. Knowing you want the sensations from either side of the flogger starts the process. However many people experience "morning after" regret. Again, it happens from both sides of the experience. The submissive regrets "letting" some things happen; the dominant may have pangs of regret and a sense of exploiting the partner. Amazingly these feelings occur even when the sensations are perfectly complimentary regarding the give and receiver.

Mastery comes from understanding, appreciating, and accepting the 'why'. Seeing a submissive partner, whose ass is deep shade of red, striped with deep cane marks can be scary; especially when viewed for the first time. Again whether you've inflicted the damage or see it in the mirror on your own body; you start to wonder about yourself. You went outside the "norm". Worse - you LIKED it!

Few, have the access to discuss these feelings with others. Sure, you're thinking what about the "wealth of knowledge" available on the internet? Well, I've come to appreciate the depth and dedication involved with internet intercourse, however typing "WHOOSH" bold and in caps is not relevant to feeling the impact of a cane after hearing that sound and feeling the resulting impact.

I compare it to coming out as a homosexual. The desires, the feelings of want, culminating with that first encounter with a same sex partner. For many waking up that next morning is frighting. The social implications are wide and far reaching. I dare say the personal issues involved in the practice under the broad umbrella of WIITWD are even more intimidating. What would generate the most dramatic family reaction; announcing you are gay or announcing you are a Master or slave?

"Mastering yourself" is a process which at the other end provides the ability to make a statement regarding yourself with confidence. "I am a slave!"; is a statement of pride. It requires an absolute knowledge and acceptance of self that is akin to being 'born again'. Regret transitions from what you did to regretting not having the opportunity to do it all the time, more often, or in public if there were no legal ramifications. There is no self loathing, there is only self awareness. Enjoyment comes from the freedom that this self mastery brings. Marks derived from play are but reference points to the fun and fulfilling sensation filled experience. The experience is considered as a natural, outward expression of who you are.

Self Mastery is also exhibited by an appreciation of other's activity. Pragmatically, it makes no difference to you. You may argue and debate the logic or illogic, but the need to be conforming to any other's absolutism is gone. Living true to your self is the only absolute to set as an ideal.

It is not an easy process. Most often self mastery requires a life altering event to precede it. Most often that event isn't a benchmarking success, but as very dramatic failure. You begin to wonder 'why'. Coming up with the answer for yourself involves honesty that many don't want to face. At the other end may be contentment and confidence; but it doesn't ensure happiness. Finding a compatible partner with equal self mastery can be long and involved with no assurance of success. There will always be the thought of compromise, even when you know in your heart any compromise to what you know of you, will end in regret. Mastering yourself can end up with you being alone. But if the process was honest, at least you like being with yourself - a person you know and 'Master'.

< Message edited by Mercnbeth -- 12/26/2007 8:08:00 AM >

(in reply to CuriousLord)

Post #: 20

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