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RE: another confused newbie - 12/30/2007 8:18:49 PM   
TemptingNviceSub


Posts: 3054
Joined: 10/1/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: AMaster

quote:

ORIGINAL: giveeverything

one other thing... I've tried (sent one message to him) to talk to him since reading the posts here... and he hasn't replied back (which he always did before).  So the lack of communication now seems a sure sign of something.


You must understand by now that he is not interested.   
As stated above, this all may be a moot point..however for next time, you need to develop better communication skills...talk..talk..talk..question..question..question...make sure all is understood before the play...also if necessary..if the script needs to be written by the both of you second by second as Ron may have sarcastically alluded to..then so be it..You had a thrill and a scare..but I am thinking you are now experiencing the "what if" thoughts...and they are worrisome for you..I have a feeling you will be more cautious in the future...Best/Tempting

_____________________________

I have greatly enjoyed the second blooming...suddenly you find at the age of 50, that a whole new life has opened before you.........Agatha Christie.

You must make tracks into the unknown~~Thoreau

(in reply to AMaster)
Profile   Post #: 41
RE: another confused newbie - 1/1/2008 9:08:01 PM   
VMistressV


Posts: 78
Joined: 12/29/2007
Status: offline 		It seems that you have a common reaction when youre not in control (for a sub) which was exiting. But when your head is clear you can better gauge the situation. You should probably tell your Dom that you like having your limits pushed but just not pushed so FAR. Maybe suggest that you would like to stay within some more vanilla limits until you develope trust.If they can't do that, then they arent trustworthy. get someone else


(in reply to DesFIP)
Profile   Post #: 42
RE: another confused newbie - 1/2/2008 1:29:23 AM   
antipode


Posts: 1787
Joined: 4/19/2004
Status: offline 		The plastic bag episode scared you, but choking does not? Is that what you are saying? You are implying you gave him permission to choke - is that correct? If you did, all he did was use a variant. One that indeed is safer than choking, if there is such a thing as safe. But if you're into pain, and not into scare, that is something you need to discuss. Choking is not pain related, it is control related, and fear related. But this is a good example why I like to work with a fetish list, even though some subs really don't like that. You can't then get this type of complaint afterwards, even if it takes some of the creativity out of a session.

Anyway, never see anybody who scared you again. He is inexperienced, and doesn't have a feel for what works for you, and his inexperience adds to your inexperience, and makes for a bad mix. There are plenty of fish in the sea, find someone who can read your body language. That's an order

---------------------

Trixie: That's right Ralph, Carlos is teaching us the mambo.
Ralph Kramden: Ohhhhhhh, Carlos is teaching you the mambo... that puts a different light on everything... when I first came in here, I didn't know what you were doing... now I know, Carlos is teaching you the mambo... that makes a world of difference... One of these days, one of these days... POW! RIGHT IN THE KISSER!



(in reply to giveeverything)
Profile   Post #: 43
RE: another confused newbie - 1/2/2008 4:09:52 AM   
Vanatru


Posts: 300
Joined: 4/16/2004
Status: offline 		The answer seems pretty obvious and simple to me, and I'm surprised no one has picked up on it yet. You said this was the 2nd play session you had with him. It seems pretty obvious you haven't built up sufficient trust with him yet for him to be hitting edge play with you, and he's been rather clumsy with his play with you to begin with. I'd say, slow down a bit, take more time to get to know each other, do less edgy play. Play doesn't have to ALWAYS be about pushing limits, it can just be fun and stimulating, and exciting. When you feel you can trust more, that's when to start introducing edgier stuff, not the 2nd time you play.

(in reply to antipode)
Profile   Post #: 44
RE: another confused newbie - 1/2/2008 11:45:25 AM   
sweetstorm


Posts: 227
Joined: 5/3/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: sexyred1

quote:

ORIGINAL: giveeverything

Hey thanks for the post and feedback.. all of which are helpful.  A little clarification... I don't think it was malicious or had any ill-intent.  We did have a safeword and a safe signal, unfortunately my hands were tied behind my back so I could not use the safe signal... and the three episodes with the bag were one right after the other. 

One other thing that made me rethink this -- after the scene was over and I was coming down he made a remark, something to the effect of, it scares me some of the things I think of that I could do to you. 

I bring this situation to this forum so that I can figure out what I did wrong, what I can learn from, how I can stay safe in the future.  I know I have culpability in this... that's what I'm trying to figure out.

thanks


That line is a bit concerning. I heard that from someone who turned out to be a bit too sadistic and over the top and into non-consensuality for my taste. It shows a possible lack of impulse control.



Ah, but I heard that line from one of my absolute favorite-ist Doms in the world once in a discussion with him. To Him, it terrified Him to think He might hurt me. He had the knowledge, the ability, the strength, and the opportunity. He would never have hurt me. He was admitting that the idea was there in His head that I gave Him so much power over my body and mind.... and He was awed by that.

_____________________________

You don't need a parachute to skydive.

You need a parachute to skydive twice.

(in reply to sexyred1)
Profile   Post #: 45
RE: another confused newbie - 1/4/2008 1:03:11 AM   
SailingBum


Posts: 3225
Joined: 12/10/2007
From: Sailin the stormy sea
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: TallDarkAndWitty

Ok, I am going to play a bit of devil's advocate here.

What, exactly is the problem?

He did something (albeit un-negotiated, but obviously not on any of her stated "hard limits") kinda edgy, and, from her own words, she "liked it at the time and it scared the shit" out of her.  When she discussed it with him later, and indicated that it was a bit much, he said he would never do it again. 

It seems to me that this is exactly how things should work, even with people who have been playing for years.  He didn't ignore a safeword or send her to the hospital.  He tried something and she liked it...where is the crime?

I think the OP might want to think about how she could like something and at the same time have it scare the shit out of her.  Maybe this guy taped into something that could be further explored.

Taggard


Agreed... Sounds like the OP dived into the water and got in a little too deep.  I have done that before.  Edge play is kinda like that though...

(in reply to TallDarkAndWitty)
Profile   Post #: 46
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