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A Crazy Mission - 12/28/2007 8:31:37 AM

kyakitten

Posts: 145
Joined: 11/21/2004
Status: offline

Hello Sirs and readers,

I would appreciate your advice if you please.

Four years ago I was with my first Master for about 8 months. We communicated constantly via email, phone and in person, although we lived 3 hours apart, and developed a very deep - an epic - loving relationship. Both of us were in open marriages at the time.

We broke up because I worried about how I was complicating his life and suggested we might take a break to make things easier. (Good old topping from the bottom, there. Yep, I'm that dumb.) His life really was turning crazy (bad marriage, job) and he agreed.

Over the next three years our correspondence dwindled as life got complex. My marriage ended, his marriage disintigrated, we both changed jobs. We kept up appearances via infrequent email; it wasn't until a few months ago I learned he'd left home 2 years prior and was living with a new sub. I could sense his unhappiness and begged him to meet me for lunch.

We got together and... he is so defended now, has walls up like you can't believe. It's not personal, it's what he does when he's hurting. He basically makes himself an island. He told me about that back when we were together - which is when he also instructed me never to let him push me away because of that.

So I am obeying that instruction. I am sending emails full of love and memories and dreams; I am clearing days to drive to his state just in case he's free; I am calling and leaving voicemail on a cell phone that is almost certainly directed straight to voicemail. I am conjuring up half-baked plans like moving to his town so that it becomes easier for him to see me.

And rationally I feel like a fool. His replies are one-liners. There's never a salutation at the top, like he doesn't know who he's talking to. (I know that's routine for other people, but not for us.) Just a few drops of hope here and there - that lunch, one phone call, an emailed expression of gratitude or affection, and I keep putting my life on hold knowing that sooner or later he must come out of hiding and hoping that when he does our miracle will return.

I keep vacillating - one moment I want to make some drastic demonstration of devotion and the next I am equally sure I must cut ties and move on. Meanwhile, I keep dropping pebbles into the well and wasting time debating myself whether the water is getting higher.

What do I do?

Thank you...

Post #: 1

RE: A Crazy Mission - 12/28/2007 8:42:10 AM

kinkypuppy2

Posts: 345
Joined: 11/4/2007
Status: offline

Long past time to walk away. You are not the saviour of the world and all its ills, You are not his therapist.
Time to heal yourself and not in a on-line way.

_____________________________

See nic "Kinkypupper" also as "slvseeker" As I cannot reply to any posts or log into collarchat under that name I had to create this profile.

(in reply to kyakitten)

Post #: 2

RE: A Crazy Mission - 12/28/2007 8:59:21 AM

TallDarkAndWitty

Posts: 1893
Joined: 6/12/2004
From: Rochester, NY
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: kyakitten

What do I do?

You need to watch the Sex in the City. He's just not that into you.

_____________________________

A most rewarding compliment is an insult from the ill-informed.

My slave: Kat (RainaVerene on the other side) and her website: RainaVerene.com

(in reply to kyakitten)

Post #: 3

RE: A Crazy Mission - 12/28/2007 9:00:44 AM

sexyred1

Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: TallDarkAndWitty

quote:

ORIGINAL: kyakitten

What do I do?

You need to watch the Sex in the City. He's just not that into you.

Seriously. I was just going to say that. Stop it. Right now. You are making him a priority and he is hardly making you an option.

(in reply to TallDarkAndWitty)

Post #: 4

RE: A Crazy Mission - 12/28/2007 9:08:32 AM

SlaveOwnerDave

Posts: 113
Joined: 8/22/2007
From: Petaluma, CA
Status: offline

Greetings kyakitten,

Please excuse My bluntness, and My lack of applicable experience:

As far as I can tell from what you have said, He needs a psychiatric therapist. His problems cannot be healed by you.

you, furthermore, have your own life to lead. Unless you live in Podunk, Wyoming, there are many more Masters out there near you.

Just as there are many phony slaves, so too, there are many phony Masters. But there are many real Masters. Many of those Masters would be happy to have someone as devoted to Him as you have been to your old Master. you could build a full and satisfying life with one of Them.

If your old Master feels you are important, then He will telephone YOU. If He ignores you, then He values you not, and is best seen in your rear-view mirror--if at all.

Please look for Someone new. Indeed, talk with a "kink-friendly" therapist if you can. S/He will set your mind at ease.

If you cannot afford a therapist, then I suggest looking through these threads to find other slaves who are experienced in this kind of situation. Many of them would be happy to help you through this emotional problem.

For an emotional problem, logic is not always the best adviser. But if you want logical advice, then feel free to contact Me.

My best wishes,
Master Dave

_____________________________

Intelligence, Logic, and Reason are useful--but only when used!

http://www.experienceproject.com/about/masterdavidgoodmen
http://Master-Dave.LiveJournal.com/
[link]http://people.tribe.net/MasterDave[/

(in reply to kyakitten)

Post #: 5

RE: A Crazy Mission - 12/28/2007 9:34:48 AM

sirguym

Posts: 318
Joined: 8/10/2007
Status: offline

I would echo the other responses.

I have heard of many trying to rekindle the fires that burned between themselves and another - I have never heard of one-sided efforts ever working.

Get your own life on track, with a stable work-life, a circle of friends inside and outside the scene, move on.

Maybe he'll come chasing you, probably not, but whichever way it goes, you've got a life back and more to give to him, yourself and/or another.

(in reply to kyakitten)

Post #: 6

RE: A Crazy Mission - 12/28/2007 9:44:32 AM

kyakitten

Posts: 145
Joined: 11/21/2004
Status: offline

Kinky, Taggard, Red, that's exactly what I needed to hear. Thank you.

Dave, thank you for your kind words. It's been discouraging and frightening to be out into the world these three past years and not having found anything resembling the glories of the past, but your words give me a lot of hope to keep going forward. I guess Vermont is not as bad as Wyoming either!

(in reply to sirguym)

Post #: 7

RE: A Crazy Mission - 12/28/2007 9:47:10 AM

kyakitten

Posts: 145
Joined: 11/21/2004
Status: offline

Sirguym - At first when I read your post I thought "wait, that's not fair, I have a very full life!" Then I reread it and realized how very much I've put on hold these past few weeks to pick up this torch again. (Case in point, I should be working today!) So thank you.....

(in reply to kyakitten)

Post #: 8

RE: A Crazy Mission - 12/28/2007 10:04:22 AM

PanthersMom

Posts: 2215
Joined: 11/26/2007
From: Cleveland Ohio
Status: offline

take the hint, he left his marriage and when he had the freedom to contact you and continue your "epic" love affair, he didn't. you were fun while it lasted, now you're in the past. time to change the email, change the phone number and walk away. you've wasted all this time on this non-relationship. my question is why? why are you so afraid to move on with your own life?

PM

_____________________________

That which does not kill me, better run pretty damn fast

I miss my ex, but my aim is improving!

(in reply to kyakitten)

Post #: 9

RE: A Crazy Mission - 12/28/2007 11:14:11 AM

KatyLied

Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline

Your thread title is aptly named.
Let him go, let the relationship go. Find something more fulfilling. Being by yourself would be more fulfilling.

_____________________________

“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”
- Albert Einstein

(in reply to PanthersMom)

Post #: 10

RE: A Crazy Mission - 12/28/2007 11:32:20 AM

littlebitxxx

Posts: 732
Status: offline

kyakitten, hugs to ya. Sometimes there comes a time when "don't let me push you away" becomes walk away. You've done what you could, seems like more than anyone else might have done, to no avail. In my opinion, it's time to go find someone who can give you as much as you seem able to give. You deserve it. Heartstrings are the hardest to cut but memories last forever.

_____________________________

There is no such thing as can't unless it is followed by yet

It is the meaningless little acts that become meaningful in the doing.

The people that mind don't matter and the people that matter don't mind.

(in reply to kyakitten)

Post #: 11

RE: A Crazy Mission - 12/28/2007 12:43:30 PM

came4U

Posts: 3572
Joined: 1/23/2007
From: London, Ontario
Status: offline

open marriages? and a bad marriages?

what didn't you learn by observing his or your marriages?

what is there to learn? Did you think you were more 'special' than his wife who allowed this nonsense? Guess now you realize -oh oh, ya not! Maybe he is grieving his lost marriage. If and when he is over her then maybe he MIGHT be willing to give a crap about you.

You both spilled the crackerjack box, eat the popcorn now and choke on the toy.

(in reply to littlebitxxx)

Post #: 12

RE: A Crazy Mission - 12/28/2007 1:18:09 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

He's living with someone else. He's closed off from you. That doesn't mean he's closed off from her.

Stop stalking him now.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to came4U)

Post #: 13

RE: A Crazy Mission - 12/28/2007 1:44:11 PM

MasterFireMaam

Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline

In my opinion, you are trying to re-create what you had. That's impossible. You both are two different people now. You're also trying to make him feel a certain way and you can't do that either. You have no power there. You're also hoping that he will change. Change is hard and therefor unlikely. At some point, he has to reach out. Back off, let him know that you're there when he is ready to do that.

I've been through all this. These are some of the lessons I learned. YMMV.

Master Fire

_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
-----
Ms Relationship Books
-----
BDSM How-To Books

(in reply to kyakitten)

Post #: 14

RE: A Crazy Mission - 12/28/2007 2:02:31 PM

kyakitten

Posts: 145
Joined: 11/21/2004
Status: offline

Thank you again for the replies.

Panther's Mom, your question was very valid and is prompting a lot of thought. Special thanks.

Celeste, I've admired your posts a long time but at the moment you're stoking a popular misperception. Since my ex is neither offended nor fearful, nor is that my intention, there is zero stalking occurring. The definition of stalking is as follows:
"Stalking (from Middle English stalk: from Old English bestealcian; akin to Old English stelan to steal) is a legal term for a pattern of offensive behavior involving repeated harassment or other forms of invasion of a person's privacy in a manner that causes fear to its target." (from Wikipedia)
Outside of that detail, I do hear what you're saying though and agree.

Polly Positive, aka came4u: My, that's quite a chip on your shoulder.

FireMaam: All true, all helpful - thank you. I hope the end of the story was positive for you.

(in reply to MasterFireMaam)

Post #: 15

RE: A Crazy Mission - 12/28/2007 2:27:04 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

He isn't offended yet. Or at least he hasn't said anything, but he also hasn't said anything positive. Driving there, showing up uninvited, that does border on stalking. You don't want to start doing things like that. Right now it's just emails and such, easy for him to avoid contact. If you show up in person that's a totally different thing.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to kyakitten)

Post #: 16

RE: A Crazy Mission - 12/28/2007 2:44:19 PM

PsyVamp

Posts: 1026
Joined: 10/30/2006
Status: offline

kyakitten,

You have received much sane advice. I can only tell you from my perspective that when someone tries to rekindle things with me, I am sometimes rather polite to them. I will take the occasional call, respond to the occasional email and even share the occasional meal. To me, none of it means that I have any intentions of picking up on a romance; it means that I remember the person fondly and still like them as a human being.

If it were me, I'd take some time to put myself first, find out who I had become and go on to a new life.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

Lady Jag

Oh, and btw:

quote:

ORIGINAL: SlaveOwnerDave

Unless you live in Podunk, Wyoming,

I honestly thought I was living in podunk, New York. ;)

_____________________________

Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive. .
Could a blue screen of death constitute being defenestrated?
~Owner of wolf~ (one of them, anyway)

(in reply to SlaveOwnerDave)

Post #: 17

RE: A Crazy Mission - 12/28/2007 3:35:11 PM

BitaTruble

Posts: 9779
Joined: 1/12/2006
From: Texas
Status: offline

Kya,

Four years ago you had a fling that made your head spin with it's intensity. Then a separation of three years and you're pinning for a man who did it for you four years ago and, who may or may not do it for you now. He's got another submissive with whom he lives. It's time for you to do what he's doing.. live your life. Being in a holding pattern hoping to rekindle something from the past is going to stunt your growth and it's already putting you into a turmoil. He's moved on and the instruction he gave to you four years ago is no longer valid. He doesn't own you, so there is no need to follow some long past command.

It's okay to let it go and it's okay to feel bad about letting it go, but Kya, you do need to let it go. I don't necessarily agree with the other Celeste that you are stalking him since you didn't mention anything along the lines of him telling you not to contact him, but it seems as though you're only going to hurt yourself in the long run. After three years, he's got someone else and, there's a possibility you are projecting that he's unhappy because that allows you to have a foot into his door. He got out of one unhappy marriage, no doubt if his current submissive doesn't work out, he'll get himself out of that situation as well. Waiting around for 'if' though, isn't going to keep you warm at night nor keep you fed.

I will hope for the best for you, Kya.

Celeste

_____________________________

"Oh, so it's just like
Rock, paper, scissors."

He laughed. "You are the wisest woman I know."

(in reply to kyakitten)

Post #: 18

RE: A Crazy Mission - 12/28/2007 4:54:38 PM

sambamanslilgirl

Posts: 10926
Joined: 2/5/2007
From: Chicago, IL
Status: offline

let him go

he's going to be emotional drain on your life each time you come to his rescue

_____________________________

...2011 - year of the fabulous rock star life ...and i do it so well...

...announcing Mr. & Mrs. British Petrol ...yeah, marrying into oil is slick business...

(in reply to kyakitten)

Post #: 19

RE: A Crazy Mission - 12/28/2007 4:59:11 PM

windchymes

Posts: 9410
Joined: 4/18/2005
Status: offline

Panthersmom said it best: He was free to go to you and he went to someone else. Period. End of sentence. HE WENT TO SOMEONE ELSE. You were a pleasant diversion for him but you were never his priority, he never was in love with you, he never intended to spend his life with you, and he's never going to.

Sorry this is blunt, but it's the reality. As you said, cut ties and move on.

Funny thing is.....I could have written your OP, verbatim, except that I had the chance to spend time with mine. Guess what....he was NOTHING like I imagined him to be, nothing like what he imagined himself to be. He was weak, dishonest, irresponsible, especially with money, and trolled for others right under my nose while I was at his home. It was all internet fantasy. You are luckier than you know that you are free to go and find something good for you in the real world.

_____________________________

You know it's going to be a GOOD blow job when she puts a Breathe Right strip on first.

Pick-up artists and garbage men should trade names.

(in reply to BitaTruble)

Post #: 20

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