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ORIGINAL: celticlord2112

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If you don't feel confident in dominating or submitting (because we both switch) to your partner and if you find it hard to get into sex or get your partner to get into sex... and some of this is down to insecurity, confidence, ongoing trust issues etc. based on bad past experiences in the relationship (even though everything else between you is now great)... how would you go about improving things to improve your sex life, your scenes and your confidence?

You don't trust her.  You don't trust her to submit, and you don't trust her to submit to her. 

If you can't trust her, there is no relationship.

If you can trust her....what's the problem?

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ORIGINAL: Hotch
I know I’m gonna come off as an asshole here, but you're sounding like a whinny bitch. 

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The only reason I'm saying this is because if I see it in this post, then your girlfriend is seeing it in the relationship and she's acting on it.  She's calling you out when you try to top her because she senses you're "playing" and out of your normal pattern of behavior.  You don't address the bad behavior, you let it hurt you.  The cheating could mean the end of the relationship, or it could be a very loud message that she wants you to "take her back".  Either way, she's treating you like a piece of shit, you're letting it happen and she is loosing respect for you.  Because she doesn't respect you in a dominant roll, she goofs on you and hurts your fragile ego.  Because she says she DOES want to be dominated and the rest of your relationship is good, this puts you in a tight spot.  It's hard to change someone’s perception because they will vehemently resist change.  She's already thrown up some major challenges that aren't going to be solved diplomatically and you can be assured that when you address the bad behavior, she's gonna give it to you with both barrels.  You risk disrupting the rest of your "good" relationship as your girlfriend tries to sabotage your efforts to regain the Alpha male roll in her life.  Good luck, hope you can rise to the challenge.

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ORIGINAL: came4U

OP, she has made you her 'lil bitch.

Good luck with that.

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ORIGINAL: myanon

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ORIGINAL: jakeskajira
Seek couples counselling, I know a couple kink friendly psychologists who do online counselling as well, I can send you to their homepages....

unfortunately counselling isn't an option where we are but I'd appreciate the online stuff if you can send it to me :)

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My advice (while I went to school for psychology, I didn't finish my degree) --- is plainly.. communication. That is the most BASIC starting foundation for ANY relationship. It builds trust, it builds respect... and with out communication, the relationship will fail.

I couldn't agree more... we HAVE communicated ALOT about these issues... my desire to do something else stems from the fact that the communication hasn't helped everything and I think it's time for us both to stop feeling bad about what happened but to start doing things which make us both feel good.

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If you cannot get the trust back, if you can't respect each other, if you cannot communicate with each other.. you  have to learn how...

trying hard!!

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There are many people out there who LIKE the type of treatment she gave you, if you are not one of those, i'd walk away.... let her find someone who wants to be treated like that, it isn't an inhereant "problem" with her, but rather a mistmatch of basic personalities... it is doable and possible to work around these issues, and even over come them, but it is also possible this is who she is and she wants to be that type of person... which means she won't change...

I'm not one of those but I don't think she is one who wants one of those either... she was just inexperienced and immature and she is also quite different to others I have been with so I wasn't equiped or prepared to deal with this stuff at the time. I don't think she wants to be that type of person either... she has changed her behaviour. That whole side of it is in the past... it's the other lingering effects which remain.

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I wish you the best of luck, and I hope you figure it out.

thanks

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damn it I know this people!!! How do I change it???

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ORIGINAL: came4U

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damn it I know this people!!! How do I change it???

Dear, I really doubt you can.

Yanno when you allow a child to do a negative behavior over and over, and then try to fix it?  That is what you did. 

She has no respect for you from what I read.  That is equal fault on both of you. Simply put, you have allowed too much and have become addicted to the person and the behavior.

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A youngin has mind like a sponge inthat you can change behavior easier and quicker.  This gal, umm she is spun, rude and well, cruel.

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It is time to take back your power by refusing to be her emotional punchingbag. 

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ORIGINAL: MistressNoName

I'm going to chime in at this point. I don't think this is an issue for couples counseling. If the OP is clearly saying that the girl's behavior has improved, then obviously she (OP - profile states female) does have some skill at disciplining and making her wants known. However, the stuff from the past still seems to be eating at you - OP. That is an individual issue. Perhaps, then, you really are not as "confident" as you first claimed to be. Or were you speaking of your confidence purely on a professional level? But, on a deeper, more personal level, it may be that there are some issues to work through. And I would start with seeking professional, kink-friendly, bi-friendly counseling. If you have a local LGBT center in your area, check out their services. Most do offer one-to-one and group counseling around many issues besides coming-out. So, use it as a resource. And even if they do not offer counseling, which would be hard to believe, they may be able to recommend low-cost counselors within the community.

And just to expound on the kink-friendly, bi-friendly counseling - If you do decide to seek counseling, please be sure not to accept any counselor just because someone recommended them or they assured you they were suitable to your needs. Do give them a chance to prove themselves, but don't be afraid to walk away from a counseling situation that, after a really good try, has proven not to be helpful, growthful, or emotionally healthy. And please try to hold out for a counselor that truly understands D/s dynamics. Not just someone who is willing to listen to your story, but someone who really knows about WIITWD, is non-judgmental and supportive, and who is a good therapist. And state credentialed, of course, to offer this kind of treatment.

And best to you,

MNN

Edited to add: Here's the link to the National LGBT Help Center - http://www.glnh.org/index2.html

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ORIGINAL: DesFIP
You can't discipline her if she isn't willing to be disciplined, that's abuse.

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You can't dominate her without her consent.

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You may want to be the dominant in the relationship, but you need her agree to be the submissive. Plus since you both switch, she may not feel that she can submit to you. Some people can't handle a dominant who switches.

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Talk to her. But I'm betting she doesn't feel submissive to you, anymore than you feel dominant towards her. You can have kinky sex, you can have a good vanilla relationship. But it doesn't seem like you can have a solid D/s relationship. Do you need one or can you be satisfied with a good vanilla relationship filled with kinky sex wherein you both get to top or bottom whenever you are both in the mood.

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As far as mindbending orgasms for her, ask her what were the common denominators there. If she needs a 24/7 dominant, then accept that she's satisfied with the sex she has and accept that the mindbending ones aren't going to happen.

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ORIGINAL: came4U

k, sorry 'bout that. I wouldn't have the patience for someone with such lack of respect and who had arrogance enough to mock ya. 


I see you adore her and want to try hard to keep her.  I will shut up now lol. [:D]  

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ORIGINAL: LadyHugs

Dear myanon, Ladies and Gentlemen;
 
Power is a perception as well as something that is achieved--not 'magicly' appears and or an entitlement.  Not much different from respect.  It is not much different than than being the person who you want to be and how you want people to treat you by teaching others how to treat you.  Sometimes, this takes courage and draw from within and draw the line of what you will or will not tolerate.  Something that is precious and hard to keep and easy to loose--You.
 
Power is what you are.  Make a choice from the moment you decide--enough.
 
No matter who's advices you follow externally--it must be a commitment no matter if it may mean the relationship ends.  Making excuses for other's bad behavior is only delaying the future result.  It is no different from being in a poisoned relationship for the sake of the kids syndrome but, what isn't told--is how the kids fault themselves or take on adult issues because the parents don't stop the drama and the negativity and like a vortex draws them in and changes who they are forever.
 
Taking back your power?  Actually, you have had the power all along.  Power is independent thought, independent actions, independent goals and dreams.  Power is enacted by doing something, such as leaving someone, career changes, moving to another state--that is power.  Power is a summary of courage, resolve, making changes as to improve you, yours and others, to use wisely and justly--to respect it and to withdraw power from someone who uses it to hurt you and or others.  Borrowing from the US Army-- The power of one.
 
Just some thoughts.

Respectfully submitted for consideration,
Lady Hugs
 
 
 
 

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ORIGINAL: Hotch

First, my wife thinks your relationship is doomed.  She doesn’t think you’ll be able to gain back control without driving her away.  She didn’t notice anywhere in your post where you said your girlfriend was invested in this relationship.

I see it as a relationship that has turned unhealthy and your job is to set it right or let it go.

Assuming this was happening to me and I knew there was a relationship to save and both parties were committed to it, then this is how I would handle it:

I’d take her out for the weekend, to remove the daily distractions.  Over dinner I’d apologize for my behavior.  I’d let her know I haven’t been providing her with the type of support she needs because my love for her and desire to be gentle with her had blinded me to her bad behavior.  Overtime by allowing her to indulge in these actions, I’ve hurt our relationship and because I do love her and I do want to save the relationship, it’s time to make a change (this is all gonna sound really corny if you don’t believe it).  I’d also let her know that even though my passiveness has allowed her act the way she has, she is ultimately responsible for her behavior and there will be consequences.  What I want from her right now is a commitment to putting our relationship back on a healthy course, and to know I won’t walk away from her if she will stand by me.

Depending on how she responds to this, you’ll have your answer.  How you proceed is up to you.  It’s pretty much impossible to give you specific advice, you have to plot your own course.  I’d definitely let the dude she cheated with know he’s lucky not to be in the hospital and he should stay out of site if he wants to keep it that way… or maybe I’d put him in the hospital to make sure he gets my point.