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sskitten -> RE: how do I get my power back? (12/30/2007 2:09:37 AM)
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(Sorry for the length of this post.) I've read four pages of responses and I would like to share a perspective that hasn't been shared here yet. I have been in your girlfriend's shoes. I have cheated on the one I loved. I have asked for his dominance but have not always been able to respond with instant submission, causing him to doubt my sincerity. I don't think I dissed him - certainly not in the inexcusable ways your girlfriend has dissed you - but I think my behavior gave him plenty of cause to feel insecure, including sometimes in my lackluster responses to our lovemaking, and of course my cheating caused severe trust issues which will probably be with us for the rest of our lives.
But the cheating is far behind us now and we are hanging in there and making great progress on some fronts. I want to share with you some things that have helped and some things that continue to undermine us, looking at my share and his share of the responsibility for the health of our relationship.
First of all, if she says she wants you to dominate her, BELIEVE IT. Don't switch. If you need to switch, each of you should find someone else for that role. Be the strong one for her or you'll never regain the respect you want from her and she'll never be able to submit in her heart, only in pretend ways in scenes. If she wants to dominate someone from time to time, let her find her own little sub. Don't ever be that sub for her any more. If you need to be with someone stronger than you from time to time, find that person elsewhere, not here. Love and trust each other enough to explore these secondary roles with others, or lay them to rest and stick with the roles you think you prefer, with you in the dominant position and she in the submissive one.
Okay, next thing. Even though you say neither of you wants a 24/7 D/s thing, maybe just vanilla with kinky sex, it's worth exploring something that's less than 24/7 but far more than vanilla with kinky sex. I know lots of people here have told you to communicate more, but you say you've done lots of that. People here have told you to apologize for your weakness. NO! How is that going to help you regain the authority you threw away at the outset? People here have suggested that you ask her to describe the ingredients of the mindblowing sex she's had in the past. NO! That's just going to make you look clueless, under the current circumstances, and if you try what she describes, it's just going to make you seem like a pretender.
There has not been much said here yet about forgiveness. You have said a number of times here that her cheating is well in the past, but past issues continue to eat at you and cause you to doubt yourself. Some have suggested that you start acting like the one in control even if you don't feel the inner power, and I tend to agree with this suggestion. My ongoing difficulty with my loved one is that he doesn't project strength consistently. My cheating nearly destroyed us. But after we both resolved to stay in the relationship and make it work, the thing that continued to eat away at us was his (very understandable) anger and distrust. A huge turning point for us was when he was really truly ready to forgive me. That meant he was ready to lay his anger behind, as well.
As long as he was angry and insecure, I had to watch what I said, to protect his feelings, to reassure him. And I lived in constant fear that he might end the relationship at any moment, because any little thing seemed to be a reminder of our past difficulties and my failings. I could not begin to put my trust in him again until he made the huge leap of faith to trust me again. Now there is nothing I want so much in life as to be worthy of his renewed trust.
My loved one is not very interested in domination and submission, but we have tried these roles off and on. It seems he actually does like to have my submission, but without any responsibility for managing it. He wants me to manage my own submission, but when I do, it does not feel like submission to me. It feels like me being in charge of myself and just trying to be nice to him (when I feel like it). At least you two are lucky that you share an interest in this D/s exploration. My loved one thinks I'm not really cut out for submission. But I know how I felt when I submitted to a naturally dominant man (when I cheated). I felt like this was what had been missing all my life.
Even though my loved one might not know how to or want to push my submissive buttons, I know how he could do it, if he chose. But I cannot tell him, because when I even try to give hints, he says I have a script I want him to follow, and it's just a set-up for failure, because he can't follow that script and doesn't want to follow it. And I feel crushed and resentful inside that he views it this way... but maybe it's true that I do have a script of sorts. Maybe your girlfriend has a subtle script of how she wishes you would dominate her, too. You can't ask her. And I do believe one of the things I've read on these boards, that the first thing one must learn in submission is to give up the desires that led one to submission in the first place. True submission isn't about what pushes my hot buttons... it's about subjugating my will to that of another. But wise domination, I like to hope, includes caring about pushing those hot buttons, so that the relationship is mutually fulfilling.
If I were to give my loved one some blunt advice about how to dominate me (which I can't)... this is the advice I would give him (and which I give you):
* Don't let me see your doubts or insecurities. Be strong for me. Maintain that myth for me, until it becomes reality. If you have to dump those insecurities somewhere, share them with a friend or write a journal. (Imagine you are a parent... even if you are filled with doubts about your parenting, would you confide those in your child? I hope not! You would act like the strong and confident parent even if you feel inadequate inside.)
* Give me regular daily reminders of my submission. This might include daily routines when we are together - a particular way that you might touch me or might expect me to touch you, or a position you'd expect me to adopt at certain times, or something you might expect me to ask permission to do, or some little thing you might expect me to say. It might include something I wear - in my case it's an anklet that symbolizes for us both devotion and creativity in how we share our love. It might be a task - a simple housekeeping sort of routine or journal-keeping or whatever. (The journal can be particularly powerful for the submissive to share inner thoughts and feelings for the dominant to better know her and understand how to guide her, and the dominant can give specific assignments for this journal.) It might be that there is one room in the shared space that is for D/s and the rest of the shared space is for vanilla life. There are countless ways to cultivate a submissive mindset in one's partner when you are together or apart.
* Give me time to transition from one role to another. I can't snap instantly from vanilla to submissive. When you snap instantly into a dominant role, it can seem fake, so I need help easing into accepting your domination, too. The little reminders and routines help... or visual or tactile clues to indicate that the transition is beginning. (I come out of the bathroom and I see an item or two of bondage gear on the bed... okay, I start to adjust my mindset...)
* Remember that arousal is about 90% mental. Go after my mind when we make love. Immerse me in a mental fantasy land of domination and submission. If you don't do it, I'll just resort to one of my tried and true submissive fantasies, and that involves pretending you're not there and I'm submitting to some invented stranger. So you might as well be that invented dominant party and conjure up a fun fantasy yourself, if reality isn't doing it for us. In my case, it really helps to hear you telling me what my submission means, or verbally claiming each body part as you physically claim it, or ask me well-timed simple questions calling for set answers, even if they are mock-submissive ones (such as: "Who are you?" "I am your ____" - fill in the blank with your preference... pet, toy, little slut, slave.... "What are you for?" "I am for your pleasure..." "What pleases me?" and so on... "Whose cunt is this?" "Yours, Sir." "And what can I do with it?" "Whatever you please..." etc etc. "What does your orgasm mean?" .... "Whose orgasm is it?" ... ). It can be incredibly powerful to put some of these things into words while one is being led deeper and deeper into an aroused and submissive mindset, and while one is orgasming. Feel free to tell me what is my new reality... to fill my mind with the answers you expect to hear, and then expect to hear them the next time you ask. Feel free to surprise me with a sharp well-placed slap if I hesitate, and then ask me again until I give the right answer. Master me. It's not abuse if we both understand and accept our roles. It's... nourishment.
* Feel free to deny me pleasures, too. If you're in control, you can control when and if I touch myself or when and if I cum to your touches. You can expect me to service you without reciprocal stimulation... and if I'm in the right mindset it will be highly arousing to serve instead of be served.
* It's all going to feel like let's-pretend unless you take control of other parts of our shared life, too. So even if there's no wish for 24/7, you might think about asserting yourself more than just in the bedroom.
* Dominant does not mean domineering. You can be very soft-spoken and sensitive and caring and giving while still being very much in a position of authority and control. Be credible. Don't "act" dominant. Solicit my opinion (when you actually want it), but then make the decisions yourself (or at least let it be known that you'll be making more of them or most of them, and do so).
* Guide me. Support me. Protect me. Cherish me.
* Give me the best of yourself, and expect the best of me.
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