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Being Released and Letting Go - 12/30/2007 4:05:47 AM

dragonnette

Posts: 43
Joined: 8/22/2005
Status: offline

I was released a couple of months ago. However, my former Sir and I have maintained a relationship. He released me because we were stepping all over each other's boundaries (I think, he's never explicitly said why). He loves me and wants me in his life just not in a formal D/s relationship.

What do I want? I'm not certain. I love him. We've been together for almost 3 years. It's been full of ups and downs but always the love and connection.

Even though we no longer have that formal agreement of Sir and pet, when we are together (we live about 100miles apart), the dynamic is still very much there and part of our interaction.

I've tried to maintain some emotional distance so that the hurt of being released can heal. I'm wondering if keeping in person contact to a minimum would actually be healthier in the long run. Now that I've written it out and considered it, I can see that I have been doing that very thing. I've avoided going to visit. And my last visit was me stopping by while I was in his city for other reasons. Hm. I will have to think on this a lot more.

Not sure if I'm looking for feedback or just wanted to write this out somewhere where I will be understood. Either way, thanks for reading and any responses you care to make.

_____________________________

~~
"For it was not into my ear you whispered, but into my heart. It was not my lips you kissed, but my soul."-

pet of Ookami

Post #: 1

RE: Being Released and Letting Go - 12/30/2007 4:12:23 AM

julietsierra

Posts: 1841
Joined: 9/26/2004
Status: offline

Isn't it interesting how when we write something down, we tend to find our own answers?

juliet

(in reply to dragonnette)

Post #: 2

RE: Being Released and Letting Go - 12/30/2007 4:21:26 AM

thehellcat

Posts: 12
Joined: 5/29/2007
Status: offline

OMG....i thought for sure your post had been written by me! How strange to read your words and feel like it is my life you are describing. i probably am doing a very poor job or letting go...in fact...i know i am not doing it well. i love this man with my entire being and find that any time i can be with him....i will swallow my pride and be there. And he is now involved with a 'nilla girl...much younger than myself....but he still calls me......wants to see me....and i still obsess about him. How do you let go when you have had this kind of a relationship......?

(in reply to julietsierra)

Post #: 3

RE: Being Released and Letting Go - 12/30/2007 5:21:53 AM

Suleiman

Posts: 1127
Joined: 9/9/2004
Status: offline

I can be pretty damn stubborn about my personal boundaries. Usually, in the past, when there was a breakup, it was essentially mutual - we went our separate ways and remained friends, and never renewed the old dynamic. There was one, though that was long, drawn out, and just ugly. I eventually decided that I had to cut off all ties. It's been more than ten years since then, but every so often, I hear some war-story from a friend of a friend, and I've come to the conclusion I made the right choice. That being said, by and large, I don't recommend it. Lots of regrets, lots of energy spent on keeping those barriers up, and all you get for your troubles is a lot of hurt feelinggs and a sour knot in your stomach.

It looks like you've got the clue you need. Spend a little time searching your soul for answers. Spending time away during the "rebound" period is usually a good idea, but don't cut him off entirely.

It DOES sound like you two need to sit down and talk, now that I think about it. You need to get a clear explanation from him about why your formal relationship was dissolved, and where he intends to go from here (since he apparantly wants you in his life still) - you also need to be able to tell him whet you want and need. If you both keep crossing each other's boundaries (as you suspect) then there surely needs to be some further communication, and possibly some compromise (of course, perhaps the compromise is simply to dissolve the formal relationship - but that should be a compromise, not an ultimatum).

Okay, so I'm rambling. Any way, I hope that helps. Buck up - it sounds like you're starting down the right path.

_____________________________

Think of my verbosity as a sort of litmus test for our relationship. I write in a manner identical to how I speak and how I think. If you can not cope with what I have written here, it is probably for the best if we go our separate ways.

(in reply to dragonnette)

Post #: 4

RE: Being Released and Letting Go - 12/30/2007 6:13:18 AM

velvetears

Posts: 2933
Joined: 6/19/2006
Status: offline

Remaining friends is tricky business. You need to have a life with a dom involved with you, that you can share things with, that you need. If you are still emotionally tied to this ex dom it will take up space in your head so that you don't focus your energies on finding someone new. It is also possible that subconsciously you are hoping that you and he get back together so you will hold back with others or find that others just don't measure up. Love/emotions are complicated dynamics and trying to figure them out is like trying to work yourself through a labrynth, you're gonna get lost in the process. Only time will give you the chance of emotional distance that you need. you'll miss him, you'll question yourself if you have made the right decision - but in the end, when you have gotten a handle on things you will be able to go see him with a whole new persepctive and emotional detachment that is needed to be "just friends" - Good luck, i empathize with your dilemma.

< Message edited by velvetears -- 12/30/2007 6:15:17 AM >

_____________________________

Religion is for people who are scared of hell, Spirituality is for people who have been there

(in reply to Suleiman)

Post #: 5

RE: Being Released and Letting Go - 12/30/2007 6:22:11 AM

sunshinemiss

Posts: 17673
Joined: 11/26/2007
Status: offline

Sounds like you are finding your own authority to give yourself permission to mourn and to then move on. It's not easy, but it's worth it. You deserve to open the space in your heart so that there is room for the next one. And isn't it wonderful that when you and he are both ready, you can become friends. That time just doesn't seem to be right now.

Break ups and mourning and healing all take time. You are allowed to take that time and distance - both physical and emotional.

peace.

_____________________________

Yes, I am a wonton hussy... and still sweet as 3.14

(in reply to velvetears)

Post #: 6

RE: Being Released and Letting Go - 12/30/2007 6:46:35 AM

juliaoceania

Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline

He sounds as though he is unwilling to completely "let go" too, you might be surprised what happens when you finally and ultimately withdraw from the situation to complete your healing process.

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to dragonnette)

Post #: 7

RE: Being Released and Letting Go - 12/30/2007 6:52:59 AM

Lordandmaster

Posts: 10943
Joined: 6/22/2004
Status: offline

I think the first thing you need to do is find out why he "released" you. Have you asked him?

quote:

ORIGINAL: dragonnette

He released me because we were stepping all over each other's boundaries (I think, he's never explicitly said why).

(in reply to dragonnette)

Post #: 8

RE: Being Released and Letting Go - 12/30/2007 7:02:21 AM

lauren0221

Posts: 681
Joined: 8/29/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Lordandmaster

I think the first thing you need to do is find out why he "released" you. Have you asked him?

quote:

ORIGINAL: dragonnette

He released me because we were stepping all over each other's boundaries (I think, he's never explicitly said why).

What Lordandmaster said. Closure will be easier when you know why.

(in reply to Lordandmaster)

Post #: 9

RE: Being Released and Letting Go - 12/30/2007 8:01:57 AM

daddysliloneds

Posts: 1351
Joined: 6/28/2006
Status: offline

sometimes being released is nothing more than saying:

" i can't be responsible for you, even though i love you; and because i love you, i want you to find someone who can be responsible for you, but while doing so, i don't want to lose the love that we have together, just the committement part of the equation."

if you can emotionally let go, move forward with your life, yet still be in a close, loving and friendship with benefits type of equation with this man, then i say go for it; if you can't, then you need to cut all ties completely.

(in reply to dragonnette)

Post #: 10

RE: Being Released and Letting Go - 12/30/2007 8:07:58 AM

KatyLied

Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline

quote:

Closure will be easier when you know why.

Sometimes we have to give ourselves our own closure. It isn't always a good idea to let other people do that for you. Especially if it's a situation where it is healthy for you to break the ties. Sometimes just knowing that it is an unhealthy relationship for you is enough.

It is also possible to maintain a rewarding relationship with an ex without all of the dynamic stuff or with some of it intact. It depends on the people and what sort of relationships work for them.

There are no easy answers.

_____________________________

“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”
- Albert Einstein

(in reply to daddysliloneds)

Post #: 11

RE: Being Released and Letting Go - 12/30/2007 8:52:59 AM

velvetears

Posts: 2933
Joined: 6/19/2006
Status: offline

If people think you need closure and they want to string you along for whatever reason - you won't get it. Move on.

_____________________________

Religion is for people who are scared of hell, Spirituality is for people who have been there

(in reply to KatyLied)

Post #: 12

RE: Being Released and Letting Go - 12/30/2007 10:53:39 AM

dragonnette

Posts: 43
Joined: 8/22/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: thehellcat

OMG....i thought for sure your post had been written by me! How strange to read your words and feel like it is my life you are describing. i probably am doing a very poor job or letting go...in fact...i know i am not doing it well. i love this man with my entire being and find that any time i can be with him....i will swallow my pride and be there. And he is now involved with a 'nilla girl...much younger than myself....but he still calls me......wants to see me....and i still obsess about him. How do you let go when you have had this kind of a relationship......?

Space and time, I think.

_____________________________

~~
"For it was not into my ear you whispered, but into my heart. It was not my lips you kissed, but my soul."-

pet of Ookami

(in reply to thehellcat)

Post #: 13

RE: Being Released and Letting Go - 12/30/2007 11:02:12 AM

dragonnette

Posts: 43
Joined: 8/22/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Suleiman

It looks like you've got the clue you need. Spend a little time searching your soul for answers. Spending time away during the "rebound" period is usually a good idea, but don't cut him off entirely.

Giving myself space seems to be my best course. But I don't want to cut him off completely because I'm also friends with his primary partner and his UM. They are chosen family to me so it is a bit more tangled than if it was just him.

quote:

It DOES sound like you two need to sit down and talk, now that I think about it. You need to get a clear explanation from him about why your formal relationship was dissolved, and where he intends to go from here (since he apparantly wants you in his life still) - you also need to be able to tell him whet you want and need. If you both keep crossing each other's boundaries (as you suspect) then there surely needs to be some further communication, and possibly some compromise (of course, perhaps the compromise is simply to dissolve the formal relationship - but that should be a compromise, not an ultimatum).

My asking "too many" questions is a big issue between us. Not sure if I can approach him and get a satisfactory response.

quote:

Okay, so I'm rambling. Any way, I hope that helps. Buck up - it sounds like you're starting down the right path.

Thank you for the thoughtful response. It has given me more fodder to think upon.

_____________________________

~~
"For it was not into my ear you whispered, but into my heart. It was not my lips you kissed, but my soul."-

pet of Ookami

(in reply to Suleiman)

Post #: 14

RE: Being Released and Letting Go - 12/30/2007 11:08:50 AM

dragonnette

Posts: 43
Joined: 8/22/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: daddysliloneds

sometimes being released is nothing more than saying:

" i can't be responsible for you, even though i love you; and because i love you, i want you to find someone who can be responsible for you, but while doing so, i don't want to lose the love that we have together, just the committement part of the equation."

if you can emotionally let go, move forward with your life, yet still be in a close, loving and friendship with benefits type of equation with this man, then i say go for it; if you can't, then you need to cut all ties completely.

Thank you for this. In the end, I would like to have a close friendship still. For now, I'm thinking that a little space and time would be the best way to achieve that goal.

_____________________________

~~
"For it was not into my ear you whispered, but into my heart. It was not my lips you kissed, but my soul."-

pet of Ookami

(in reply to daddysliloneds)

Post #: 15

RE: Being Released and Letting Go - 12/30/2007 11:09:59 AM

camille65

Posts: 5746
Joined: 7/11/2007
From: Austin Texas
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: dragonnette
My asking "too many" questions is a big issue between us. Not sure if I can approach him and get a satisfactory response.

If I understand correctly, you asking questions as the s-type was a problem. Now that you are released that should no longer hold, and he should no longer be able to use that as wiggle room for refusing to communicate or deal with this.The balance of the relationship has changed, now that you are released you do not have to be a part of a power exchange with him. By letting him say that asking questions is an issue it gives him power where he shouldn't have it. Being released by him means that the standard no longer holds. Like others I suggest you sit down and talk this out. The reason I chose that particular phrase to respond to, is that it felt like a cop out to me. It felt like he used that as a way to not deal with or confront uncomfortable things.

_____________________________

~Love your life! (It is the only one you'll get).

(in reply to dragonnette)

Post #: 16

RE: Being Released and Letting Go - 12/30/2007 11:29:41 AM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

I've always thought it better to have no contact at all for six months in order to move on emotionally before deciding if maintaining any contact would be healthy for you. The fact that he isn't ready to let you go is his problem, having released you he doesn't have any say in what you now decide is best for you.

And do you really think it's healthy to maintain a quasi relationship dynamic with someone so passive aggressive that they refused to ever tell you what you were doing wrong?

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to camille65)

Post #: 17

RE: Being Released and Letting Go - 12/30/2007 3:16:28 PM

petpete

Posts: 677
Joined: 7/6/2007
Status: offline

Dear dragonnette. Maybe Y/you guys do need a break for some reason.. Who knows what the future will bring.. The only certain is tonight there is a new year coming and who knows what it can bring. Happy new year to Y/you all..

_____________________________

Chief: Max, you realize you'll be facing every kind of danger imaginable.
Max: And loving it!

(in reply to dragonnette)

Post #: 18

RE: Being Released and Letting Go - 12/30/2007 3:44:35 PM

Sirsinini

Posts: 172
Joined: 11/13/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: juliaoceania

He sounds as though he is unwilling to completely "let go" too, you might be surprised what happens when you finally and ultimately withdraw from the situation to complete your healing process.

Very well said Julia. Tis what happened to me. And yes, healing without hanging on is much easier. Takling care of oneself must come first. The emotion of giving love (being in love with another) to another is lost if not loving oneself is most important.

Inini

(in reply to juliaoceania)

Post #: 19

RE: Being Released and Letting Go - 12/30/2007 3:49:10 PM

Sirsinini

Posts: 172
Joined: 11/13/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Lordandmaster

I think the first thing you need to do is find out why he "released" you. Have you asked him?

quote:

ORIGINAL: dragonnette

He released me because we were stepping all over each other's boundaries (I think, he's never explicitly said why).

This is great for up front emotional closure, but if it never happens, needing it will never help. I moved on, finally and when closure did finally come, for ME, there was an incredible emotional cleansing. I stil dont know why, but it makes no difference. We are both on a different journey and I enjoy mine immensely. I dont even want to know if he does his.

Inini, Sir's devoted property

(in reply to Lordandmaster)

Post #: 20

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