How do you deal with wannabe bottoms?

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How do you deal with wannabe bottoms? - 1/1/2008 11:39:20 AM

EbonyPhoenix68

Posts: 70
Joined: 6/25/2007
From: Central Indiana
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In my journey as a Dominant, I've had to cope with wannabe bottoms who want to have their own way, and in some cases, to the point where they come to me for counseling or advice on submission/slavehood. With this in mind, how do some of you cope with these players who don't know what they want or know what they want but gripe about what they can't have?

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RE: How do you deal with wannabe bottoms? - 1/1/2008 11:59:28 AM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
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It means you're not compatible with them, it doesn't make them wannabes or fakes to have different issues than you.

With that said, fetishists have enormous difficulties finding compatible partners. If this is their problem, then you need to point out that they are going to be unlikely to find a matching fetishist; ie someone who wants to put a grown man in diapers all the time. And that they need to look at this as a negotiation. What are they willing to do that doesn't thrill them in order to fulfill someone else's needs sufficiently that they will cater occasionally to his fetish in exchange.

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RE: How do you deal with wannabe bottoms? - 1/1/2008 12:14:18 PM

AquaticSub

Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
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Well, if they ID as a bottom, I certainly wouldn't call them "wannabe" for wanting to having their own way. For me, the difference between bottoming and submitting is that I am getting my own way; ie. when I play a scene with a dominant I am not in a relationship, or bottoming, I am playing to have my needs met. If theirs are met by playing, so much the better but if not oh well.

Other than that, I must agree with the previous poster. Simply because they won't work for you doesn't make them a wannabe. Not knowing exactly what you are talking about by "wanting their own way", I don't know if it's insisting on having orgasms on a regular basis or wanting to direct every move of every scene.

My advice to you on how to handle them is that if you look down on them as wannabes, simply tell them that you are sorry but you don't feel you can offer them any positive advice and point them elsewhere. Perhaps someone else in the lifestyle you respect or towards books that you have found useful.

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It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

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(in reply to EbonyPhoenix68)

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RE: How do you deal with wannabe bottoms? - 1/1/2008 12:24:21 PM

MistressNoName

Posts: 664
Joined: 10/26/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: EbonyPhoenix68

In my journey as a Dominant, I've had to cope with wannabe bottoms who want to have their own way, and in some cases, to the point where they come to me for counseling or advice on submission/slavehood. With this in mind, how do some of you cope with these players who don't know what they want or know what they want but gripe about what they can't have?

Well, I don't think not being clear on what you want necessarily makes you a player. That's a bit of a stretch. Although, I have dealt with many subs who claim to want a LT D/s, even M/s situation when further questioning reveals that they really are seeking someone to Top them in bed. But even that, I don't see as being a player. I see that as either someone who does not clearly understand what I mean by long-term M/S or someone who really does not know himself very well...and on occasion I come across someone I just think is full of hot air.

As for how to deal with them, it depends on the individual. Some are truly sincere and searching. If they are respectful, and truly seeking guidance, I usually do whatever I can to guide them. If they are not sincere or otherwise rude, I usually cease all contact and block as necessary.

MNN

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(in reply to EbonyPhoenix68)

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RE: How do you deal with wannabe bottoms? - 1/1/2008 1:20:06 PM

kinkypuppy2

Posts: 345
Joined: 11/4/2007
Status: offline

There is in myopinion a difference between a "wannabe" and a bottom. A wannabe is all talk and you in most cases do not ever get to the point of meeting them, They mostly exist on the internet in a fantasy world. If you do have a scene with someone then they ae not a wannabe, Just incompatable with your standards.

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RE: How do you deal with wannabe bottoms? - 1/1/2008 4:22:22 PM

Leatherist

Posts: 5149
Joined: 12/11/2007
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I ask them what gives them the right to have other fullfill thier fantasies for them.

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RE: How do you deal with wannabe bottoms? - 1/1/2008 4:26:51 PM

masterlink65

Posts: 683
Joined: 11/3/2007
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wow, if a male wrote this OP he would be accused of being a whiner

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RE: How do you deal with wannabe bottoms? - 1/1/2008 4:31:32 PM

Padriag

Posts: 2633
Joined: 3/30/2005
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Simple, I point them to the damn door. My time is valuable, I don't waste it on people who aren't serious about why they are here.

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A stern discipline pervades all nature, which is a little cruel so that it may be very kind - Edmund Spencer

(in reply to EbonyPhoenix68)

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RE: How do you deal with wannabe bottoms? - 1/1/2008 4:32:20 PM

Raechard

Posts: 3513
Joined: 3/10/2007
From: S.E. London U.K.
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quote:

ORIGINAL: masterlink65
wow, if a male wrote this OP he would be accused of being a whiner

A male did write it.

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RE: How do you deal with wannabe bottoms? - 1/1/2008 4:35:16 PM

DrkJourney

Posts: 1917
Joined: 5/6/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: EbonyPhoenix68

In my journey as a Dominant, I've had to cope with wannabe bottoms who want to have their own way, and in some cases, to the point where they come to me for counseling or advice on submission/slavehood. With this in mind, how do some of you cope with these players who don't know what they want or know what they want but gripe about what they can't have?

WOW you got them to actually show up???....lol

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...Look into my eyes and I'll own you....

(in reply to EbonyPhoenix68)

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RE: How do you deal with wannabe bottoms? - 1/1/2008 4:42:28 PM

Daddysredhead

Posts: 23574
Joined: 11/6/2005
From: Northern (yet still part of the South) Virginia
Status: offline

I recently began speaking to a submissive who is relatively new to bdsm. (Has been interested for a couple of years, but has not really been actively pursuing a D/s relationship.) After emailing and talking on the phone to this sub a short time just to see if we even clicked on a basic level, I was beginning to wonder whether this person was all together "there." Every time a conversation began, it turned into a complaining, whiny-baby, poor me, let me drag you down with me into the bowels of hell on her part. It was draining and I asked her if there was any desire to be a part of a D/s relationship, or if a professional counselor was needed.

Turns out, the D/s aspect was more of an attempt to find someone to lay all of the disappointments of life on, and to have the Dom/me sort it all out. I nipped it in the bud, and let things fall aside. Perhaps there is someone out there who wants to deal with all that stuff, but it just isn't me. I don't think it makes her a wannabe bottom, but it certainly didn't fall into my idea of a good time.

Respectfully,
DRH

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(in reply to Leatherist)

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RE: How do you deal with wannabe bottoms? - 1/1/2008 5:49:14 PM

Noah

Posts: 1660
Joined: 7/5/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: EbonyPhoenix68

In my journey as a Dominant, I've had to cope with wannabe bottoms who want to have their own way, and in some cases, to the point where they come to me for counseling or advice on submission/slavehood. With this in mind, how do some of you cope with these players who don't know what they want or know what they want but gripe about what they can't have?

Wannabe?

Can you explain to me what is wrong with someone wanting to be a bottom?

And you spit out the word "player". Is playing a sin in your religion?

People do come to me for counseling (in a broad sense of the word, anyway) on submission/slavehood. This week someone came to me asking for help in dealing with her conflicted desires for emotional and psychological pain. She did this because she had good reason to believe I have some expertise in those areas. I didn't think for a moment that her desire for counseling made her less in any regard, made her less worthy of my time. She seemed sincere and worthwhile so I helped her.

That's her appraisal of the result, not mine.

In fact I invited a submisive friend of mine to get involved and her (submissive B) input was extremely valuable. Both Submissive A and I both learned and grew (does that make me a wannabe too?) The thing is that submissive A would never have heard that wonderful insight from submissive B if submissive A hadn't come to me for counsel.

Similarly I think it is silly of you to get so self-righteous about people who don't know what they want, especially since what seems to irk you is that they are trying to find out what they want. You think the last thing a confused bottom should do is try to interact with an experienced top?

Okay. I guess.

But it rather sounds like you're running some kind of car wash, trying to process customers as efficiently as possible. That's meant as an analogy, by the way. I'm not presuming that you charge those you do deign to top.

I avoid gripers because I don't like griping. I don't avoid people who have recognized that they want to understand more and are seeking that understanding.

I don't categorically rule out anyone who "wants to be" a bottom nor assume that anyone seeking counsel therefore wants to "have things their own way" in some unacceptable sense.

I don't top people who want to control matters because that's not my bag. If you need instructions as to how to decline someone you're incompatible with, well gosh, how about: "No thank you."

(in reply to EbonyPhoenix68)

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RE: How do you deal with wannabe bottoms? - 1/1/2008 6:02:01 PM

masterlink65

Posts: 683
Joined: 11/3/2007
Status: offline

interesting, a male dominant, with a photo of a female for avatar, has encountered a wannabe? hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm!!!

(in reply to Noah)

Post #: 13

RE: How do you deal with wannabe bottoms? - 1/1/2008 8:47:01 PM

TemptingNviceSub

Posts: 3054
Joined: 10/1/2005
Status: offline

To Masterlink65...LOL..hoisted by your own judgemental petard!..made an assumption and now must eat your words with a hummmm on avatar choices.....HUMMMMMMM...

To the OP...I am not sure if you are referring to wannabe bottoms(as in play?) or sub/slave behavior in a D/s relationship?...but best answer for both would be as many have stated is...do not label wannabe...label incompatible to you and your specific wants and needs.....Tempting

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You must make tracks into the unknown~~Thoreau

(in reply to masterlink65)

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RE: How do you deal with wannabe bottoms? - 1/1/2008 9:08:50 PM

masterlink65

Posts: 683
Joined: 11/3/2007
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regardless of foot in mouth or not, i still think most on here do not really understand the differences between bottom, sub, and slave.

and the truth is,, there are wannabe's, wanna be master, wannabe slaves, etc. people who think its cute and fun to think about, oh how i fantasize, but when it gets time to put up or shut up, you see assholes and elbows, and not because the slave is in submission position. compatibility might be an arguement if some of these people were as serious as the profile would make them out to be.

(in reply to TemptingNviceSub)

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RE: How do you deal with wannabe bottoms? - 1/1/2008 9:13:41 PM

MissMagnolia

Posts: 3636
Status: offline

Delete and block. It's that simple.

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RE: How do you deal with wannabe bottoms? - 1/1/2008 9:21:43 PM

MistressFaye1

Posts: 276
Joined: 10/7/2007
Status: offline

I have come to accept the fact that there are those that want to learn about what this BDSM is all about and since there is the wonderful world of cyber, they have the opportunity to seek answers to questions. I have been asking those that email me a lot of questions in order to understand the tread of what I was guilty of calling "wannabes". I say guilty because things are not what they use to back in the day. Some feel they need to talk a certain way in order to gain the attention of the Dom/me. Some openly and honestly state they are new or curious about the lifestyle and some will admit it's about the "kink" or having their fetishes met. Because I am more intrested in more stable relationships, even if it's understood it's play, I choose not to deal with apparent the one-night stands (talk to someone long enough about their expectations and you know) or those that had one or two experiences with more than three Dommes in less than three months.

Some may consider this as searching for the right one but I consider it flighty and for lack of a better word, attempts to be a Domme "playa". I make my expectations known upfront. I take the time to get to know the person (as much as one can) before meeting and when we do meet I do not play. If they claim to be "submissive" in every sense of the word but wants to set the pace, the standards, and direct where the relationship goes, I know they are not right for me.

If someone tells me they want to be topped and there is some type of connection there other than this, I can accept that for what it is. The keys for me are to listen to what and how something is being said, checking for other things that interest us both in the vanilla world, and going from there. I am also upfront about who I am.

I know this is not the Mistress forum but I had to respond because this has been an issue with me until I accepted the fact that "wannabes" and those that want to bottom are not one in the same. You will meet some that has to understand that also and help them define what it is they mean, hence comes advising and guiding.

JMHO.

Faye

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You can put away your masquerade
You won't ever have to be afraid of Me
Open up your eyes and see what is in store
I must the One that you are searching for.

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RE: How do you deal with wannabe bottoms? - 1/1/2008 10:29:02 PM

dogobedience

Posts: 536
Joined: 3/30/2006
Status: offline

TAKE CONTROL..............any person who claims to be a bottom/subbie/slave/property will respect you for that.

You are the leader.

LEAD, or be lead..............that is you choice

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I start and/or reply to posts to further my abilities and share my experiences in this fantastic lifestyle.

I hope I am an intellectual instigator, making people think and or laugh and nothing more.

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(in reply to EbonyPhoenix68)

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RE: How do you deal with wannabe bottoms? - 1/2/2008 2:42:50 AM

TheScrivener

Posts: 91
Joined: 8/11/2007
Status: offline

I don't think topping from the bottom (Which is what it amounts to) makes a person a wannabe - it simply means that their goals and desires in the relationship aren't the same as mine.

Once that realization is made, point them to the door and move on. That is, if it's severe enough of an annoyance.

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"We are the facilitators of our own creative evolution."

- Bill Hicks

(in reply to EbonyPhoenix68)

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RE: How do you deal with wannabe bottoms? - 1/2/2008 10:48:38 AM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: masterlink65

and the truth is,, there are wannabe's, wanna be master, wannabe slaves, etc. people who think its cute and fun to think about, oh how i fantasize, but when it gets time to put up or shut up, you see assholes and elbows, and not because the slave is in submission position. compatibility might be an arguement if some of these people were as serious as the profile would make them out to be.

There are a whole lot of guys out there who would label me a wannabe because I trusted my instincts and refused to meet them despite their urging or demanding.

I don't label them as wannabes. I do label them as relationship insufficient, as people unable to inspire my submission or even a sufficient amount of my trust to get me to show for coffee.

Now they might be fabulous dominants for someone else, but they sure didn't do it for me.

But blaming someone else for what you lack is not the most mature way to go about getting a girl. We hate listening to men who complain all the time about their exes, and even worse who complain about the ones they struck out on.

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Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to masterlink65)

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