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Dom or control freak? - 1/2/2008 5:32:27 AM

parttimehotty

Posts: 4002
Joined: 11/19/2007
From: Virginville
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Hello all:

i trust that everyone had a Happy Holiday and you're anxious to get back to the old routine of everyday living ;) i pose this question to the Masters w/the hopes of receiving more insight to the Dominant mind. Are you a Dominant because you got tired of "vanilla cunts" and just want to have your way ie control of everything in the relationship? Do you not like a woman/man to speak her/his mind thus your entry into the Dominant world? i ask because i remember in the beginning my potential Dom stated that He was tired of "vanilla cunts" mouthing off to Him and He wanted to be the ruler of the household, having the final word. Is that the action of a "true" Dom or just a control freak or are they one/the same?

Respectfully submitted,

< Message edited by parttimehotty -- 1/2/2008 5:35:34 AM >

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Post #: 1

RE: Dom or control freak? - 1/2/2008 5:37:18 AM

windchymes

Posts: 9410
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I'm not a Master, just thought I'd add my two cents since I'm here and I read it......he doesn't sound like a Dominant or a control freak. He just sounds like a woman-hating jerk with an over-inflated ego.

If you're looking for advice on whether or not you should enter into or continue in a relationship with him.....only if you want to be with someone like that.

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RE: Dom or control freak? - 1/2/2008 5:38:32 AM

HalloweenWhite

Posts: 1028
Joined: 6/20/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: parttimehotty

Hello all:

i trust that everyone had a Happy Holiday and you're anxious to get back to the old routine of everyday living ;) i pose this question to the Masters w/the hopes of receiving more insight to the Dominant mind. Are you a Dominant because you got tired of "vanilla cunts" and just want to have your way ie control of everything in the relationship? Do you not like a woman/man to speak her/his mind thus your entry into the Dominant world? i ask because i remember in the beginning my potential Dom stated that He was tired of "vanilla cunts" mouthing off to Him and He wanted to be the ruler of the roost. Is that the action of a "true" Dom or just a control freak or are they one/the same?

Respectfully submitted,

I think I -am- a bit of a control freak-thats what I enjoy about this lifestyle, but, despite what some have said about Me in the past.......I didn't think of "getting into" BDSM cos it's easier, cos it's not. I got intersted in this lifestyle when I was a grotty 19 year old and suddenly found how electric it was to control someone who -wanted- to give Me that control.

(in reply to parttimehotty)

Post #: 3

RE: Dom or control freak? - 1/2/2008 5:40:38 AM

batshalom

Posts: 1990
Joined: 9/17/2007
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Doms and control freaks are not one in the same at all, in my experience. That person doesn't even sound like a control freak - he sounds like someone who has no idea how to carry on a viable relationship. Of course it could have been bravado, immaturity, inexperience; and like LA says, if you can imagine it, someone is doing it and is happy doing it ... so more power to 'im.

(in reply to parttimehotty)

Post #: 4

RE: Dom or control freak? - 1/2/2008 5:56:53 AM

SoCurious2Feel

Posts: 38
Joined: 6/28/2005
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I can not offer insights to a Dom's mind but I think a good point was made with the post above -
"found how electric it was to control someone who -wanted- to give Me that control" <-- Key word in that statement: wanted.

If you are not comfortable with someone taking control of the reigns in your life then that Dom may not be the one for you. Some Doms definitely are out to simply degrade women. The "vanilla cunt" comment almost sounds a little hateful on his part. Be careful of those. Just remember not all Doms are like that, they don't all think alike and they certainly don't all have the same rules and standards.

(in reply to HalloweenWhite)

Post #: 5

RE: Dom or control freak? - 1/2/2008 5:59:21 AM

parttimehotty

Posts: 4002
Joined: 11/19/2007
From: Virginville
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What is the difference in your eyes, batshalom? (Anyone can answer this, i was just responding to batshalom's note above)

< Message edited by parttimehotty -- 1/2/2008 6:01:24 AM >

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Post #: 6

RE: Dom or control freak? - 1/2/2008 6:06:28 AM

BadGodLJE

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Joined: 5/7/2004
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Sounds like this guy is just wanting a throw away fuck toy and doesn't really care about the needs of the person who he will be responsible (if he ever finds someone willing to let him take control). I personally am all about control, not because I couldn't have a relationship with people if I didn't have it but simply because I find there to be value in controlling as many areas of my life as I can. I find that there are a great many things in life over which I have no control except to deal with them as best I can as they come up which is fine, but in the areas that I CAN exert control I choose to do so. I find that by controlling someone I am able to be both happy and satisfied especially when the person I am in control of is also happy with said outcome. I find that when I have control I work far harder to prove to myself that I am worthy of it and in turn work all the harder to make sure I am doing the right thing for the person whose life I have taken care of.

Levi

(in reply to batshalom)

Post #: 7

RE: Dom or control freak? - 1/2/2008 6:45:05 AM

SlaveOwnerDave

Posts: 113
Joined: 8/22/2007
From: Petaluma, CA
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quote:

ORIGINAL: parttimehotty
***Are you a Dominant because you got tired of "vanilla cunts" and just want to have your way i.e. control of everything in the relationship? Do you not like a woman/man to speak her/his mind thus your entry into the Dominant world? i ask because i remember in the beginning my potential Dom stated that He was tired of "vanilla cunts" mouthing off to Him and He wanted to be the ruler of the household, having the final word. Is that the action of a "true" Dom or just a control freak or are they one/the same?

Respectfully submitted,

Good morning parttimehotty,

I am Dominant because I was born Dominant. I suspect the same is true for other Doms as well.

I want control of everything in My life because I am Dominant. It is NOT 'I think controlling everything is cool, so I will call myself dominant.'

As far as "vanilla cunts" is concerned, this is not something I would say, or even think to say. One's slave/sub/whatever(s) are one's most valuable possessions. One does not denigrate them. Besides: if a Dom chooses 'worthless' subs, then what does that make Him??

I want my slaves to inform Me of things important to them. "Would Master like to hear this slave's thoughts about itself?" tells Me the slave has something to say. I say "Yes", and then listen.

I have met only a few Masters and Mistresses, but each was concerned with what His/Her slaves had to say. Not listening is not good.

When it comes down to it, I agree with the others: This dude is a jerk, and is best avoided!

Sincerely,
Master Dave

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(in reply to parttimehotty)

Post #: 8

RE: Dom or control freak? - 1/2/2008 7:00:08 AM

Leatherist

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Interesting catch 22's here.

I would rather excercise nominal control of the way I choose to live. This includes not having a "slave" dictating my freedom of choice. And yet they do-and then whine that "some men are such unworthy control freaks!"

Here's the deal. Some guys would rather have it thier way alone-then someone else's way and be made miserable by settling. If they happen across someone who lets them live happily-more power to them for having a spine. Get used to it.

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(in reply to SlaveOwnerDave)

Post #: 9

RE: Dom or control freak? - 1/2/2008 7:02:53 AM

parttimehotty

Posts: 4002
Joined: 11/19/2007
From: Virginville
Status: offline

Thank you SlaveOwnerDave as well as all the others.
He does listen to my opinion but of course has the final decision but when my opinions are not said in a "respectful manner" He accuses me of reverting back to my vanilla cunt ways. i only asked my original question because of the statement He had made about vanilla cunts mouthing off to Him and that has weighed on my mind as to whether He's a control freak or has the heart/mind of an actual Dom. i'm just so confused if He's the one for me or do i just enjoy the intense sessions W/we have and that's clouding my judgement. i guess i'll find out soon enough. Thank you all for your responses.

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Post #: 10

RE: Dom or control freak? - 1/2/2008 7:30:58 AM

parttimehotty

Posts: 4002
Joined: 11/19/2007
From: Virginville
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Leatherist

Interesting catch 22's here.

I would rather excercise nominal control of the way I choose to live. This includes not having a "slave" dictating my freedom of choice. And yet they do-and then whine that "some men are such unworthy control freaks!"

Here's the deal. Some guys would rather have it thier way alone-then someone else's way and be made miserable by settling. If they happen across someone who lets them live happily-more power to them for having a spine. Get used to it.

Ouch! i'm not trying to dictate His style of living, merely inquiring if this is the normal mindset. He did indeed state that He'd rather live alone than modify His lifestyle/mindset to accomodate a vanilla cunt w/a kink.

_____________________________

Resident Virgin
Official Mommy of Jolly & Jilly

Nobody is 'dead' until nobody remembers them
http://www.chkittyclub.com/pages/home.html
http://www.theanimalrescuesite.com/clickToGive/home.faces?siteId=3&ThirdPartyClicks=ThankYouCar

(in reply to Leatherist)

Post #: 11

RE: Dom or control freak? - 1/2/2008 7:35:14 AM

Leatherist

Posts: 5149
Joined: 12/11/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: parttimehotty

quote:

ORIGINAL: Leatherist

Interesting catch 22's here.

I would rather excercise nominal control of the way I choose to live. This includes not having a "slave" dictating my freedom of choice. And yet they do-and then whine that "some men are such unworthy control freaks!"

Here's the deal. Some guys would rather have it thier way alone-then someone else's way and be made miserable by settling. If they happen across someone who lets them live happily-more power to them for having a spine. Get used to it.

Ouch! i'm not trying to dictate His style of living, merely inquiring if this is the normal mindset. He did indeed state that He'd rather live alone than modify His lifestyle/mindset to accomodate a vanilla cunt w/a kink.

I think he's probably just using some drama to get his point across to you. If he really hated women all that much-would he bother with you? "Vanilla cunt" = *controlling asshole* in his mind evidently. Reconsider how you approach him with issues, do you come across that way?

Most Dominants don't care for an "I'm the bitch, do as I say!!!!!" type. Only the sub men really seem to get off on that.

< Message edited by Leatherist -- 1/2/2008 7:36:04 AM >

_____________________________

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I'm not taking custom orders.

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Post #: 12

RE: Dom or control freak? - 1/2/2008 7:54:28 AM

kinkypuppy2

Posts: 345
Joined: 11/4/2007
Status: offline

Sounds like a frustrated person, I am a Dom and a Master of a slave. These do not have anything to do with sex as such but sexual organs are most important part of anyone and can be used to great effect.

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(in reply to parttimehotty)

Post #: 13

RE: Dom or control freak? - 1/2/2008 8:00:43 AM

Mercnbeth

Posts: 11766
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: parttimehotty

Are you a Dominant because you got tired of "vanilla cunts" and just want to have your way ie control of everything in the relationship? Do you not like a woman/man to speak her/his mind thus your entry into the Dominant world? i ask because i remember in the beginning my potential Dom stated that He was tired of "vanilla cunts" mouthing off to Him and He wanted to be the ruler of the household, having the final word. Is that the action of a "true" Dom or just a control freak or are they one/the same?

pth,
It would seem your "potential Dom" couldn't live up to his own image and ideal of dominance. At the very least he lacked the confidence and doubted the strength of his convictions; exhibited by him not wanting to hear a conflicting opinion. It would be worse if he saw any differing opinion as a challenge or a personal attack.

Ultimately, a submissive should surrender decisions to a Dominant. However, that surrender comes from earned trust and confidence gained that those decisions have value. Notice I didn't say that they had to be always right, or what the submissive would do. For this to occur a submissive shouldn't be stifled from speaking their mind, quite the contrary speaking one's mind from either side of the flogger should be encouraged. In my case, it was always required. A submissive shouldn't fear exposing their beliefs and neither should a Dominant. More important, neither a Dominant nor submissive should fear scaring away a partner by clearly and in detail exposing his relationship goals. Granted getting that 'naked' isn't easy, and is inversely proportional to the desperation factor about wanting to be in a relationship.

I think it counter-productive to start, and/or base, any decision process with an image of what you "don't want". A "vanilla" label, assigned to a body part or the entire person, wasn't a dis-qualifier during my search. I knew the personality, ability, intelligence, strength qualities that I sought and when someone exhibited those traits it was my task to get to know them and to let them know me better. The sensations, and/or 'chemistry' that results from us getting together occurs naturally.

Outside the relationship philosophy I don't see any need for submission regarding philosophical beliefs. I find it amusing that many have a requirement that a partner share the same religious, or political beliefs. To me it seems a classical example of insecurity. Telling beth to flash at the Vatican and having her do so as I took a picture got no argument and no "mouthy" reply. If there was one - I would have doubted her commitment to 'US'. Walking out, making a statement to her saying to the effect, "There is no god!"; would generate a heated debate. In that case her "mouthy" response IS an illustration of her commitment to 'US'.

My strength and hers had, and has, equal importance. Our beliefs and convictions were not compromised for the sake of our relationship. It would be counter productive to have a requirement to "know yourself" and then require that a partner leave that knowledge at the door as a requirement for entering a relationship. Holding back, or keeping secrets for fear it will be a deal breaker is as silly as getting into a relationship with someone and then expecting to change them after the fact. In either case the probability for failure is high.

After five years I think we know each other's arguments on points in disagreement by heart. That fact is illustrated by any current debate being full of smirks, smiles and laughter. We KNOW we won't change the other's mind. We respect each other too much to need or expect to do so. However, it's still fun to try.

(in reply to parttimehotty)

Post #: 14

RE: Dom or control freak? - 1/2/2008 8:13:09 AM

Padriag

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Thanks Merc n Beth for being a good example of how things can work.

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(in reply to Mercnbeth)

Post #: 15

RE: Dom or control freak? - 1/2/2008 9:35:13 AM

toservez

Posts: 1733
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From: All over now in Minnesota
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Dominants do not have to be control freaks but many are or enjoy exercising control over another. For me the line is if they cannot handle not being in control with other people or if the occasional thing that does prop up in a relationship.

It has been my experience that many dominants do wander in from the cold by their frustration with vanilla women or bad personal experiences. Often when I was looking for a man I would stumble into a man who clearly cared only about not getting dumped or cheated on and being hero worshipped.

Why they come into this has really no meaning. Some can be perfectly great dominants and some can be insecure misogynists. In the end throw away the terms and is the person compatible with you and make your heart go pitter patter.

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(in reply to parttimehotty)

Post #: 16

RE: Dom or control freak? - 1/2/2008 9:50:43 AM

TMaster2

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NEVER -- any day -- would I use that term. No matter what the situation. Being in control does not give someone the right to denigrate to that extent, and I have never been with anyone who I would use that term with.

I do like to control the situations I get in, and I like to have the freedom to express my sadistic glees on the slave, so yes, control and creating the setting to enjoy that part of me is important. But I don't think I'm a "control freak" in that I do know how to compromise to find the best available situation regardless of setting. Maybe that is still "being in control" just not always "getting my way" with everything.

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(in reply to parttimehotty)

Post #: 17

RE: Dom or control freak? - 1/2/2008 9:51:56 AM

LuckyAlbatross

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Joined: 10/25/2005
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quote:

i ask because i remember in the beginning my potential Dom stated that He was tired of "vanilla cunts" mouthing off to Him and He wanted to be the ruler of the household, having the final word. Is that the action of a "true" Dom or just a control freak or are they one/the same?

Respectfully submitted,

They are not one and the same- but they can co-exist. So can control freaks and slaves (more common actually).

Being a control freak is not necessarily the destruction of a relationship either- like jealousy. It depends on how well understood and dealt with it is. In many ways it can be used positively for all involved.

Essentially it comes down to whether they are doing it based on an inner security and desire to create a fulfilling experience for all involved, or are they doing it based on insecurity and a desire to break down those involved?

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(in reply to parttimehotty)

Post #: 18

RE: Dom or control freak? - 1/2/2008 10:34:41 AM

juliaoceania

Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
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quote:

ORIGINAL: parttimehotty

Hello all:

i trust that everyone had a Happy Holiday and you're anxious to get back to the old routine of everyday living ;) i pose this question to the Masters w/the hopes of receiving more insight to the Dominant mind. Are you a Dominant because you got tired of "vanilla cunts" and just want to have your way ie control of everything in the relationship? Do you not like a woman/man to speak her/his mind thus your entry into the Dominant world? i ask because i remember in the beginning my potential Dom stated that He was tired of "vanilla cunts" mouthing off to Him and He wanted to be the ruler of the household, having the final word. Is that the action of a "true" Dom or just a control freak or are they one/the same?

Respectfully submitted,

I think what he says he wants and what other dominants want are probably the same thing.... but the way he phrases it is disrespectful to other human beings in my opinion... which makes him seem like a misogynistic pig.

My Daddy wants to have the last word...he sought a submissive because of this

My Daddy does not like angry, screaming women or women who are insulting and impolite.. he does not like sarcastic mouthiness outside of joking... he sought a submissive because of this (although he has been involved with polite vanilla women also).

He wants to control the relationship.. so he sought a submissive woman that wants him to control the relationship too...

Now that does not make vanilla women "cunts" and if we were not together tomorrow he would date other "vanilla" women... I would date "vanilla" men... why? Because people are not their labels and one can find compatibility in the most unexpected of places... why let labels dictate what we do or who we love?

So to answer your question, my Daddy wants to have the last word, control the relationship, and he does not like a lot of "sass"... but he doesn't think that women who want to control the relationship or have the last word are "cunts", he would probably say they were just not right for him... incompatible..,

It is not what this dom said or what he wants, it is how he says it.... just sayin

_____________________________

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(in reply to parttimehotty)

Post #: 19

RE: Dom or control freak? - 1/2/2008 10:34:46 AM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
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I would object vociferously to that 'vanilla cunt' comment. Highly derogative and disrespectful. And anyone who thinks of women in that manner is not someone I could respect.

Not a dominant that would inspire submission in me, fer sure.

If he's unable to inspire someone to follow him, through his greater knowledge, through his desire to have the responsibilities inherent in the role of leader, etc then he doesn't deserve to have the control he claims to want. He hasn't earned it simply because he is seeking to blame others for his own inabilities.

Blaming a woman who prefers a power equal relationship for being who she is, is childish and offensive. Think how much more powerful it would have been if he had been mature enough to say that he had met some wonderful women who need power equal relationships but he is sufficiently self knowledable to know that he just isn't compatible with them. Instead he derides others for their choice by slurring them. And indeed by using a slang word for a woman's sexuality as a curse word, he shows his disrespect for women quite plainly.

If you aren't agreeing with him, he needs to have the maturity and humility to look at what he's asking, listen clearly to your problems with his decision, and rethink it all. Demanding you do something you honestly believe is incorrect by putting you down does not raise your trust in him for the next time. His inability to convince you through logic of the correctness of his decision shows himself as neither very intelligent or confident. Because intelligent people can use logic to point out fallacies in another's view, and they can acknowledge their own fallacies when pointed out.

Petulant children put others down. One hopes his dick is big enough to make it worthwhile to be with him.

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(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 20

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