advice for failed relationship (Full Version)

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darkpassenger434 -> advice for failed relationship (1/2/2008 8:07:12 AM)

Recently I have been involved in a D/s relationship that has completely collapsed. I am a Dom/ Master and the woman I was involved with claimed to be a Sub with interests in becoming a slave. From the start It was difficult to engage her in the lifestyle beyond very light punishment or roleplay. Talk of setting rules was uniformly denounced (too busy). Things were made a bit more difficult as I have been at war for a while. I thought this would make the transition easier as my demands are quite light while here. Anything I tried to control or influence provoked some sort of fight. She began to hold the relationship hostage to slowly strip D/s elements from the relationship. First title, then she removed my collar without discussion. Things have been totally downhill from there. I recently ended things but there are difficulties. I take my role as Master seriously and to say I am heavily invested in all aspects of the relationship would be an understatement. I can not disentangle from some of those aspects quickly. Now I am trying to get back on the horse so to speak, and she is constantly begging for me to come back. Claiming that she really was what she claimed to be from the beginning and wanted the Master/slave lifestyle with me. I remember her constant claims of unhappiness and am skeptical. Does anyone have any advice or thoughts on this situation?
-R



OldBastardly1 -> RE: advice for failed relationship (1/2/2008 8:11:52 AM)

she *might* respond well to more structure. It sounds as though, like a child might, is pushing for the edge of the envelope, to feel the resistance from you, to "feel" the control. *IF* you consider allowing her back, be extra tough on her to see how she responds. If I am wrong, bounce her ass to the curb.

Hope this helps.



Jeffff -> RE: advice for failed relationship (1/2/2008 8:18:06 AM)

Do you have any reason to believe it will be different this time? Wishing doesn't make it so and not everyone is for everyone. I  think the sooner you move on the sooner you may find someone who fits you.

Jeff



mnottertail -> RE: advice for failed relationship (1/2/2008 8:18:26 AM)

Gotta go with the bastard here, again.  If you really like the girl, go for it again, tell her the curb is swept and  if she hedges it won't skin her up too bad when you kick her ass to it, and will never look back that way again.  Committments are not one sided things.......ever............

Ron



lockmeupplease -> RE: advice for failed relationship (1/2/2008 8:26:46 AM)

Hmmmm....with the information given it seems that she likes you but isn't interested at all in a D/s relationship.  Perhaps she romanced the idea of being a sub/slave until faced with the reality.  Rather than allowing history to repeat itself with her, I would seek someone new.  If you do take her back, set VERY clear expectations upfront.



darkpassenger434 -> RE: advice for failed relationship (1/2/2008 8:29:22 AM)

I am currently essentially moving on. The problem lies in the fact that I can not completely disentangle immediately. Not for emotional reasons, but actual situations that can't be dropped. She has been informed that I consider us to be roughly at the point that we were at when just meeting each other, and that she should feel free to attempt to impress me if she desires my company. I'm not optimistic about it and I'm ok with that. I have a few more months over here so its not like I can do much. I am not actively trying to "rebuild" things. If she suprises me then ok, just not optimistic there. Wondering how I recover here, practically. Most of my lifestyle experience is pretty limited due to being in relationships and whatnot.
-R



Padriag -> RE: advice for failed relationship (1/2/2008 8:37:07 AM)

Seems like you've got a pretty straight forward choice.  You know if you take her back you can reasonably expect difficulties.  Nothing in what you said indicates there's any reason to expect a sudden and permanent change.  So the question becomes, is she worth the effort and stress it may require to make things work?  Be realistic with yourself, can you handle that, can you go the distance with it, are you prepared to handle whatever challenges come up?



RCdc -> RE: advice for failed relationship (1/2/2008 8:48:19 AM)

Basically, she removed the collar without your permission.  It was your collar, not hers.  You take it back, she ended the arrangement, not you.
She wants you back - to me, I agree with what was said before, it seems like it is you she desires and not the Ds relationship.  You need for your own sake to confirm that.
 
The one thing that makes my eyes 'narrow' and go 'hmmmm' - is that you seem to have already made the decision, know the outcome if you did decide to try again and are now stringing her along?  We all have ties in relationships, but they break in time without maintainance so to me, it feels as though you are using the 'ties' as an excuse.  Is she worth the time and energy?  If not, then just get some balls and end it - but don't keep her hanging, it's not fair to her, no matter how much she has messed you around.
 
the.dark.



darkpassenger434 -> RE: advice for failed relationship (1/2/2008 8:56:13 AM)

Prehaps I should explain. I am not intentionally stringing her along. As a part of the Master/slave dynamic, she was essentially totally dependent on me. I am talking about financially. During the tenure of the relationship I have also allowed her small child to call me "Father", which I take very seriously. Even though I am not optimistic I am unwilling to hurt that child over our mistakes. I am certainly unwilling for them to starve due to this. So for the time being, there is no just "walking away". Everything I have said here, I have said to her and if she is following my wishes, She is moving my things out of the house now. I can not do it myself, as I am in Afghanistan unfortunately. I am actually trying to discourage her from "get him back" behavior specifically because I don't want to string her along at all, even to the point of being an asshole about it.
-R



toservez -> RE: advice for failed relationship (1/2/2008 9:05:09 AM)

I believe people in the end are who they are. It is a romantic notion for many woman as well as dominants that the other person can be changed and transformed into something. The truth is the person on the other end controls that and even with the right chemistry and desire if it is not in them it is not in them.

Maybe she is at the start of her journey and struggled or she is just not cut out for anything more then kink games and role playing, no one on here can tell you which. What you have to decide is if you are willing as well as her to start from scratch and see if she follows your desires and are you willing to handle if it turns out to be much of the same thing with her.

Reasons in the end are irrelevant. Do you think she can be what you want or you can settle for what she is? If not then move on as compatibility is just not there.




RCdc -> RE: advice for failed relationship (1/2/2008 9:09:36 AM)

Thank you for explaining the 'ties'.
I cannot speak or offer advice re- the child, as that would be against TOS and risk your post being pulled.
As for the financial dependance, you must do what makes you feel comfortable. 
Personally, I would encourage anyone entering a relationship where there is any degree of 'dependance' that they take out seperate financial security and insurance or if that is not viable, encourage the dependant partner to have their own dependance.  Obviously, you are at the stage where this is not something that is at your disposal now, so my advice is you encourage her to gain her dependance, maybe offer to pay for a course or something similar?   Again, this entirely depends on your financial capability and what you are willing to provide for her to be able to move forward and support the child as well as yourself moving on knowing you did the best you could under the circumstances.
 
the.dark.



darkpassenger434 -> RE: advice for failed relationship (1/2/2008 9:13:43 AM)

What you advise is essentially what I am doing. As long as there is no intentional failure to see if I'll catch her behavior it should be ok. As to the child, I really don't need advice. I commited to be her father and I'm unwilling to have her hurt just because of mistakes made with her mother. I mention it only as a means to demonstrate that my ethics are the basis of some of the ties to this person, not the desire to play her or keep her available.
-R



sweetnurseBBW -> RE: advice for failed relationship (1/2/2008 9:13:59 AM)

Sometimes people just aren't compatible. Sometimes things weren't meant to be. Things went awry for a reason, what is so different now? Do you really think this is a healthy relationship to start over again? Things to think about before getting back together and going through the same things again.

You are far away, how do you know things have changed? Sometimes people tell us things we want to hear. Only you can decide if it is worth trying again.



DesFIP -> RE: advice for failed relationship (1/2/2008 9:16:29 AM)

She simply may not feel comfortable enslaving herself to someone who she can't see for several more months, and she may be afraid of becoming too deeply attached due to the dangerous nature of your employment.

Honestly, giving stringent rules when you have no idea of what is happening in her life is bound to fail. She will have things coming up all the time and either have to disobey or have her life suffer.

She can't call and discuss things. She can only receive emails long after she sends them by which point your input is useless. Worse than useless because she will have made any necessary decisions then, and you telling her after the fact that she's again made the wrong one is emotionally distressing.

I understand that taking control of someone else will help you feel more in control of yourself, but that's not the right motivation. In a LDR, especially with one at war, there are huge areas that aren't going to be talked about. She won't talk politics with you, she won't talk about fears of your survival, etc. The relationship is extremely limited, that's a function of reality.

If you want the relationship to survive and the possibility of a D/s relationship to be there for when you return, don't focus now on constantly setting her up for failure. Do work on keeping the relationship strong. But other Doms have come back from war to decide they can't be in control of anyone, they've lost their sadistic urges etc. You can't predict who you'll be when you reacclimate to civilian life because you aren't there yet. I think she's wise to hold back when the odds are against this surviving. Safer for her and just as you need to be concerned with your own survival, she needs to be concerned about hers. Hell, if something happens to you, she'll never know since the Army won't contact her.



darkpassenger434 -> RE: advice for failed relationship (1/2/2008 9:23:24 AM)

My requirements were especially light specifically for those reasons. VERY light. I understand things are hard when a person is away. It seems to me though that a person would grow CLOSER to what they want or are during the meantime.
-R



lateralist1 -> RE: advice for failed relationship (1/2/2008 12:56:02 PM)

Ok
1 You can't be a father to a child you rarely see.
2 As stated you can not be a dominant force in the life of someone who can't contact you for advice/support when she needs it.
3 The only thing you can do is to allow her to live under your financial protection until she is capable of providing for herself and her child.
In your circumstances you had no right to even think you could have a D/s relationship.
I think I'm selfish wanting 24/7 D/s without the problems of living together but you take the fucking biscuit.
At least I'm contactable 24/7 if he/they need me.



MasterFireMaam -> RE: advice for failed relationship (1/2/2008 12:59:09 PM)

My mom's advice: Ask yourself two questions. 1) Is being in the relationship healthy for you? 2) Would you miss her if she were gone? If the answer is no to either one, consider getting out (or staying out in your case). If you decide to stand your ground, cut all ties with her and no longer communicate with her...then work on moving on.

Master Fire



MasterFireMaam -> RE: advice for failed relationship (1/2/2008 1:03:48 PM)

Staying in an unfulfilling relationship "for the child" is often more damaging than being honest with yourself. Also, now you know that next time there is a step-child involved in the relationhip, you don't let them call you Father too soon.

As for financial, you have no legal obliation, unless you were married. However, if you feel you have a moral obligation, offer a "settlement" for six months. Write up a legal, binding contract about it, too. That gives her ample time to find a job and get on her own feet.

Master Fire



xxblushesxx -> RE: advice for failed relationship (1/2/2008 1:28:38 PM)

An internet relationship is not an indication of a live in relationship.
Also, those who are 'natural' slaves are often the ones who fight it the most.
If I were you, I'd call off the D/s thing until you two can be face to face, then be the Dom you know you are. She may fight it at first, even then. It is terrifying to give someone (anyone) that much control. Tell her that you understand that, but that you expect submission from her if you are going to have a relationship. Teach her how to give in, and how to serve.
Don't expect someone who has no experience to be a pro. Love her and guide her.
I suspect you both still love each other, and that this is coming from seperation and lack of true guidance.
If she'd like to speak to me, she can email me any time. I'd be happy to give her links, ideas and guidance in any way I can.
Serving someone is like jumping off a cliff and...landing in a feather bed. The problem is you don't know about the feather bed before you jump. It just looks scary.

Good luck to you all!



DesFIP -> RE: advice for failed relationship (1/2/2008 3:33:30 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: darkpassenger434

My requirements were especially light specifically for those reasons. VERY light. I understand things are hard when a person is away. It seems to me though that a person would grow CLOSER to what they want or are during the meantime.
-R


We were LDR for two years, seeing each other about every six months. All I can tell you is that in the beginning when he tried to focus only on D/s it not only didn't work, it damn near drove us apart. What did work was just to talk about everything under the sun without ever having the fear of failing. That allowed me to grow closer to him, to trust in him more, to deepen my emotional attachment and to allow myself to become emotionally vulnerable to him.

And then when we did start living together all D/s was out the window for a good six months. It took that long to get used to living together. To hang his pictures up besides mine, to rearrange the furniture the way he liked it, to compromise with him about where stuff goes. For him to get used to the new work environment, to become a regular at the diner so the AM waitress knew how he liked his coffee etc.

Considering the fact she is economically dependent on you, she may be withdrawing because she feels she doesn't have the right to withdraw consent. That you can say do it or hit the road. The lack of freedom to consent to things is a major problem. Spend now encouraging her to improve her skills so she can support herself. Because it is a lot easier to submit because you want to and not because you have to.



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