Questioning Myself (Full Version)

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KittenWithaTwist -> Questioning Myself (8/22/2005 8:01:28 PM)

Do you ever just feel sort of lost? Something happened to me today that makes me question why I'm submissive and why I want to be submissive. It was something my dom said to me - that I don't have a choice.

I always had a fantasy that I wouldn't have any choices, that the dom would say jump and I would just do it. But all it ever was was a fantasy. I knew, on some level, that I could never act without thought and question, that I could never just...do.

This realization, that I will never just...do makes me wonder if I will ever be the kind of submissive I expect to be in my head. It makes me wonder if I'll ever stop struggling with my self proclaimed identity.

I don't know what to do with myself, here. Comments, questions, concerns, advice...all is welcome. Because I'm lost.



EmeraldSlave2 -> RE: Questioning Myself (8/22/2005 8:06:16 PM)

I think everyone feels that way at some point. I think periods of it are necessarily for a full healthy life, and the sign of someone who is aware of something "beyond."

As long as it doesn't become an obsession or a negative process, go with it.



MistressFire70 -> RE: Questioning Myself (8/22/2005 8:13:52 PM)

No matter how much you give, even to total surrender, you always have a choice: to obey or to not. Of course, there are consequences to each that can be both negative and positive for each.

Fire



IronBear -> RE: Questioning Myself (8/22/2005 8:32:03 PM)

I woke up a tad like this morning lass, I was questioning myself and asking me if I wasn't just plain too old to be a Master. Got up, had a shower, played with the Malamute (who realy runs my place) and came on line to post in another community where I am one of the mentors, checked my emails, set up net meetings with a couple of lil ones who need a Grizzly shoulder to cry on (its water proofed). By the time I got here, whilst having my breakfast shake, I was back on top. However the period of introspection was good as I have to review my self and reafirm who and what I am. Good reality check.



greenie -> RE: Questioning Myself (8/22/2005 8:38:33 PM)

Oh heavens! i'm worried about my submissiveness because i've never truly had someone to submit to. i feel the need, the want, the desire but how in the heck does someone who has always had to be in control for safety, sanity, and general day to day life actually learn to let go? i guess i'll find out at some point but i'm terrified! is that normal? maybe i should have posted this as a topic on it's own but i'm sure you all have seen it so many times i didn't think it appropriate to start a new thread and it seemed to fit with kittens topic. i did a search but can't seem to come up with search terms that return what i'm looking for.



ScooterTrash -> RE: Questioning Myself (8/22/2005 9:14:24 PM)

I don't know that this is as much of a delimma as you think it may be. I have to believe that until you are in a situation of total trust, what you are feeling is quite natural. Perhaps you are almost there but not quite. After all, we all, no matter what our distinction, are somewhat apprehensive to "let go" until that total bond is made. It takes time, the always needed communication, the feeling of honesty and a deep feeling of mutual respect and of course trust, but when it hits home, you will know it and won't have to think about what to do at that moment.



greenie -> RE: Questioning Myself (8/22/2005 9:44:53 PM)

ty Scooter, i much appreciate it.



Oumae -> RE: Questioning Myself (8/23/2005 6:03:32 AM)

If it is any help I quite like that a sub does think before they do... it shows thought, consent and a desire to please, rather than just being on automatic pilot, it is a response to the dynamic between us.

Oumae



pinkpleasures -> RE: Questioning Myself (8/23/2005 6:19:36 AM)

KWT, i have somewhat the same problem, although my relationship status is not something i'm clear about yet. i feel a lifetime of having to survive on my own both impedes and promotes my submissive nature...and when push comes to shove, i am not certain what will happen. However, i have faith in God..that i have been led to D/s in order to find the intimacy and trust i have always yearned for....and i do not believe God would bring me to this point and then fail to give me the courage to trust completely.

i have no problem whatsoever in facing danger in my real life (there's none these days); in setting boundaries with my family (that has taken years and a lot of very strong, bad feelings); in protecting my kid and the other people i love. In short, i am a habitual rescurer and champion of the underdog.

i have had to face certain things; one of them being my physical limitations; i cannot represent battered women anymore due to the stress.
But that just leaves me longing for another way to be of service.

i am not sure what will happen; i'd like to think my One would be my whole world; but i'm not certain i can "turn off" that part of me that wants to reach out a hand to help someone up. Or raise a fist in the face a bigot.

i suppose time will tell; and i suppose it's the journey and not the goal that really matters. All i know for sure is that things rarely turn out as expected.

pinkpleasures



lonewolf05 -> RE: Questioning Myself (8/23/2005 6:20:47 AM)

quote:

It was something my dom said to me - that I don't have a choice.

========
excuse me? technically you have the choice of walk out the door or stay.
but then, i digress.
given fact of you allow Him that you have no choice, then i am following you now.

and actually "I" have no choices either. i am slave. W/we discuss this constantly while i am re-inventing myself from being vanilla for the last year and, that my 1st Ms was nothing like Mistress is now.
i am having to restart over again, inside myself.

good luck to you.
and yes, i have questioned myself constantly since 2000 a.d.

wolfie



sultryvoice -> RE: Questioning Myself (8/23/2005 7:01:35 AM)

I question myself all the time since I have not been in a "good" D/s, M/s relationship. What I meant is a healthy one for me..I have gone through times of puling away, dropping out of site and the last one, taking a good look at myself and making the necessary changes that have made me a better person first and then submissive. Everyone I know have seen the change in me and I am a more pleasant person to be around.. What I am trying to say here is go with the flow, we are in constant change and hopefully for the better. Just learn and move forward..

Respectfully,
sultry



krazysubbiekat -> RE: Questioning Myself (8/23/2005 7:49:36 AM)

hi Kitten...as i was reading your post and thought what a smart girl. Everyone had their fantasy, the ideal of what their role would be in this lifestyle at one point or another. Then, in practice, we have to re-evaluate that ideal sometimes. If you are re-evaluating then that means you are thinking. Thinking about who we are, what we are doing, where we are going in life is a sign of personal growth IMO.

Now i think the key is to take those thoughts you are having and share them with your Dominant. Between the two of you, you can use this as a chance to grow both together and as seperate people. As in everything else, communication it the utmost importance.

kat



RiotGirl -> RE: Questioning Myself (8/23/2005 8:05:25 AM)

i know what you mean. i question too. Everything actually, is the sky REALLY blue, or is it just the colour we see? Look within yourself. Not what you want to see, but what you feel, what you think. If it feels "right" do it. Honestly, i couldnt tell anyone WHY i got involved in BDSM or TPE, it just felt right. Remember, always when trying something new that its worth it to try. You may get where you want to go and if not.. Say you really ARENT a submissive. What have you lost from trying it out for size? Nada, just another experience, another life lesson and a personal growth period. i'm saying, either which way it goes, you havent lost anything, you havent harmd anything, you've gained. You dont lose, you lose by giving up and waiking away. Can you imagine deciding RIGHT now, that you arent submissive. Up and wallking away and forever questioning if you were wrong? So keep your chin up, give it your best and search with in yourself for whats right.



NakedOnMyChain -> RE: Questioning Myself (8/23/2005 9:46:09 AM)

Everyone goes through that at some time or another. Keep in mind, though, that fantasies are great, but we shouldn't always hold someone to the same standards that we've created in those fantasies. Reality is always different. If you're just not getting anything out of being submissive, I'd quit. If you still are, well then, keep trucking and try to keep in mind that your dom/me is only human.



Grimmbear -> RE: Questioning Myself (8/23/2005 12:04:46 PM)

All I can add to this is do you think a Master would want a slave who just unthinkingly did whatever they were told? I know that it wouldn't be good for me.

Remember that you are first and formost a person in your own right. Secondly you are whatever you want to be but an individual first.

Maybe I should get some sleep before I post.



Vancouver_cinful -> RE: Questioning Myself (8/23/2005 12:52:08 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: greenie

Oh heavens! i'm worried about my submissiveness because i've never truly had someone to submit to. i feel the need, the want, the desire but how in the heck does someone who has always had to be in control for safety, sanity, and general day to day life actually learn to let go? i guess i'll find out at some point but i'm terrified! is that normal?


Having led an unusally independant life from the time I was a teen until my early 40's I had exactly these same doubts when I began exploring BDSM.

It took the encouragement and patience of friends, playmates, and my own experiences to slowly prove to myself that I actually have the ability (and the need) to submit deeply...to the right person.

I have just begun dating a new man who has a little dominant experience in his past, and I was confused by the vanilla way I was interacting with him. Confused because I tend to find myself drawn to submitting to someone as a way of testing the waters a bit.

I asked him finally if he saw any submissiveness in me and he answered he had, but that he considered me a very dominant sub. Then he added: I have a feeling that it's just a wall you put up for safety, though, and I sense when that wall comes down you are deeply submissive.

I think I actually teared up. So few people see through my mask to the submissive underneath, and while that's a good thing in many settings I was glad he saw through me. It has furthered my desire to explore submitting to him.

The point of my pre-caffeine ramble is this: Be patient, give yourself time. With experience and practice all things become easier and more elegant...and submission is no different.

Walls and masks are a neccesary evil in our society...They don't come down easily or fast.

When you are with someone you trust, and feel safe with, and you are working together toward the goal of power exchange, wonderful things can happen...when you least expect then.

Cin



lonewolf05 -> RE: Questioning Myself (8/23/2005 1:57:59 PM)

quote:

Everyone had their fantasy, the ideal of what their role would be in this lifestyle at one point or another. Then, in practice, we have to re-evaluate that ideal sometimes. If you are re-evaluating then that means you are thinking. Thinking about who we are, what we are doing, where we are going in life is a sign of personal growth IMO.

=========
fantasy? not being a smartass, but "I" never had any pre conceived ideas.
i fairly much felt it would be just as it is.......me doing ironing, and laundry, cooking, vacuuming, etc etc......plus now i also do pool care, along with lawn care and flowers/plants outside.
i am strictly domestics. no sex. no romance love involvement. pretty much as i thought it would be as.

i ask myself if i can ever learn to separate my vanilla macho life and my docile slave life.

i DO hope some day i learn how to.

wolfie



ToBDesired -> RE: Questioning Myself (8/23/2005 2:36:28 PM)

When you originally contracted with your dom, was this ever discussed. If not, you may both be coming from different perspectives and this will cause a conflict if not discussed. I can't act out and be every fantasy I have, but I can be what I say I will be.



edana -> RE: Questioning Myself (8/23/2005 2:39:39 PM)

quote:

I always had a fantasy that I wouldn't have any choices, that the dom would say jump and I would just do it.


this is true of most submissive women, there was one thing that i came to realize when i was newly collared. i had gone thru my "search" for a master, from a very early age, tho not really realizing it. wanting to find that one someone whom i could literally place my life in his hands. "take me, mold me, and let me be beautiful for you"

In essence we go thru our "search" up on the slave block. men come by and look us over, as we see them and assess thier atributes we either look down, slump our shoulders, trying not to gain thier attention, or we arch our backs, part our thighs, and beg to be taken. what is it that we "see" when we do that? in my estimation, we each have those who are our, or can be our natural master. once you have found him... and have accpeted your place as property. you will question less.

not that you wont ever question again, i still do at times... no one said that serving a man was easy. it's just rewarding, fulfilling, and gives us a peace of mind.

we are where we belong...



MstrHellsFury -> RE: Questioning Myself (8/23/2005 3:27:05 PM)

although this topic always seems to somewhat amuse me..I know there's nothing funny in having doubts about yourself...the amusement is in the fact that (IMHO)..we all search for that someone that fills a certain something..matches a need...or is just plain right for us...then...somehow things get twisted around to..you getting lost in someone else...the concept that it's all for Master/Mistress...who wrote this rule...so I'll answer this from my experience and ways...if what I see is what attracts me to you in the first place...what in the fires of hell would I be looking for a change...I want what I found to be expanded on..I want growth..I want continued questions of what more can I learn..see..do..experience...I'm not at all sorry to be so blunt as to say...there is an equal force in power between the parties involved...my view is this...I couldn't be a Dominant to you without your complete compliance to allow it...you wouldn't be submissive to me without shifting the power of authority over your direction to me...it is withing this shift that I am what I know is the right way for me to live...you in turn can realize the way you want to live...so now you can bash me for even forster such a thought ..but remember this ..we wouldn't be who and what we are without each other...so KWT..don't question yourself...you know who you are...all I see is and want to ask is why the supression to the point you even have to ask...

Fury



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