getting past that "omg this is abuse" feeling

Collarspace Discussion Forums

Home Login Search

getting past that "omg this is abuse" feeling

View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> getting past that "omg this is abuse" feeling

Page: [1] 2 3 4 5 next > >>

Login

Message

<< Older Topic Newer Topic >>

getting past that "omg this is abuse" feeling - 1/4/2008 8:33:13 AM

ghitaPVH

Posts: 1363
Joined: 11/14/2007
Status: offline

No, this isnt me. Yes, this is a very real person. I dont know how to answer them because Ive never been in this situation. Please help.Ive given him Screw the Roses, Different loving, and SM101. Somehow its not helping.

So, say you're this total (well, mostly) vanilla person who gets drug to a few play parties, so you are aware of BDSM but still not really into it and never took the time to really learn anything other than what you saw happen at an occasional play party, then all of a sudden one day you find yourself dating a total pain slut and they want you to tie them up and spank them so you do because you want to make her happy but every time you try you get these awful feelings that you arent supposed to be doing this to someone you care about. So you try to casually play with others to learn more and yo realize that you have no problems hurting other girls, just the girl you care about so now shes mad because she sees you do all these things to other chicks but you refuse to do it to her when she's the one who really wants it and doesnt understand why you wont. So how do you get past that feeling? How do you make yourself realize that it isnt abuse if she's asking for it and obviously enjoys it? How do you keep yourself from wincing everytime she winces?

ghita~

_____________________________

Don't expect anything of me and I promise I'll never disappoint you.

"The true man wants two things: danger and play. For that reason he wants woman, as the most dangerous plaything. --Nietzsche"

Post #: 1

RE: getting past that "omg this is abuse" fee... - 1/4/2008 8:35:55 AM

TallDarkAndWitty

Posts: 1893
Joined: 6/12/2004
From: Rochester, NY
Status: offline

The Loving Dominant by John Warren was the book that did it for me. He does a wonderful job explaining how the desires felt by Sadists and Masochists are complimentary and even healthy.

That said, some people will never get it.

Taggard

_____________________________

A most rewarding compliment is an insult from the ill-informed.

My slave: Kat (RainaVerene on the other side) and her website: RainaVerene.com

(in reply to ghitaPVH)

Post #: 2

RE: getting past that "omg this is abuse" fee... - 1/4/2008 8:56:46 AM

batshalom

Posts: 1990
Joined: 9/17/2007
Status: offline

Geez, the only thing I have to offer is to tell him to look at her hurt feelings when he doesn't treat her the way she wants to be treated. It's the same as a woman who desperately wants to hear "I love you" but never gets to. Eventually she moves on to someone who will say it.

(in reply to TallDarkAndWitty)

Post #: 3

RE: getting past that "omg this is abuse" fee... - 1/4/2008 9:23:53 AM

MasterFireMaam

Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline

Until he figures out WHY he feels it's wrong, he won't be able to get past it. Nothing you or anyone else says will change him. He's got to look inside and figure it out.

Master Fire

_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
-----
Ms Relationship Books
-----
BDSM How-To Books

(in reply to ghitaPVH)

Post #: 4

RE: getting past that "omg this is abuse" fee... - 1/4/2008 9:25:41 AM

meticulousgirl

Posts: 969
Joined: 2/20/2007
Status: offline

my advice would be to have the bottom journal and share everything that comes to mind about the scene. If reading the loving Dominant didn't work maybe this will because it's more personal. The bottom should be very detail oriented and make sure that she expresses that this is a need and that above anything else it's ok and no matter what the response from a whipping, or any other form of play is, it's wanted and to be expected.

Best Wishes

~meticulous~

(in reply to batshalom)

Post #: 5

RE: getting past that "omg this is abuse" fee... - 1/4/2008 9:39:06 AM

Lordandmaster

Posts: 10943
Joined: 6/22/2004
Status: offline

Tell yourself that if you don't do it to her, someone else will. That can be a great motivator.

quote:

ORIGINAL: ghitaPVH

So, say you're this total (well, mostly) vanilla person who gets drug to a few play parties, so you are aware of BDSM but still not really into it and never took the time to really learn anything other than what you saw happen at an occasional play party, then all of a sudden one day you find yourself dating a total pain slut and they want you to tie them up and spank them so you do because you want to make her happy but every time you try you get these awful feelings that you arent supposed to be doing this to someone you care about. So you try to casually play with others to learn more and yo realize that you have no problems hurting other girls, just the girl you care about so now shes mad because she sees you do all these things to other chicks but you refuse to do it to her when she's the one who really wants it and doesnt understand why you wont. So how do you get past that feeling? How do you make yourself realize that it isnt abuse if she's asking for it and obviously enjoys it? How do you keep yourself from wincing everytime she winces?

(in reply to ghitaPVH)

Post #: 6

RE: getting past that "omg this is abuse" fee... - 1/4/2008 10:17:33 AM

beargonewild

Posts: 22716
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline

Sounds like to me that this person needs to do a hell of a lot of reading, especially the books which have been mentioned and also "On The Safe Edge" by Trevor Jacques. Plus he could/should talk with as many people as possible who participate in WIITWD to get a better understanding on this lifestyle. The issue I see is he has to fully inderstand the difference between unwanted negative physical abuse and consensual abuse (positive). Yet in the end, he has to learn the difference between the two in order for him to move past these issues.

_____________________________

Do Not Rile da Chosen Bear

Promiscuous boy you already know
That I’m all yours what you waiting for?

Resident MANWHORE ~1000 Bear pts~

10 NZ points
Whips~n~Cuffs

(in reply to ghitaPVH)

Post #: 7

RE: getting past that "omg this is abuse" fee... - 1/4/2008 10:50:51 AM

ottRopesandKnots

Posts: 105
Joined: 9/12/2007
Status: offline

Why do people always want to change their partners? It sounds like she's tried, he's not really into it, and she needs to accept that.

I'll counter anyone who says "He should change for her" by saying "She should change for him".

(in reply to beargonewild)

Post #: 8

RE: getting past that "omg this is abuse" fee... - 1/4/2008 10:52:44 AM

Lordandmaster

Posts: 10943
Joined: 6/22/2004
Status: offline

Yeah, exactly. If you can't change your partner, you'll have to change your partner.

quote:

ORIGINAL: ottRopesandKnots

Why do people always want to change their partners?

(in reply to ottRopesandKnots)

Post #: 9

RE: getting past that "omg this is abuse" fee... - 1/4/2008 10:58:35 AM

MasterHX

Posts: 15
Joined: 12/18/2007
Status: offline

I had a couple friends who were in the same situation - she was a submissive, he was (literally) a grown up choir boy/youth pastor. It took a long, *long* time to get him to understand what she wanted. Some of it was show and tell, some of it was reading a book together, some of it was sitting and honestly sharing her feelings and paying attention to his reservations.

In the end, they reached a compromise. She can get her bondage fix from him, but he's not comfortable with the sadism aspect that she'd like to see. She gave a little, he gave a little... and now they seem to be doing fine. It did take over a year of heartfelt conversation and understanding to reach that point, of course... your friend just has to figure out if the relationship is worth that kind of an investment of time.

MasterHX

(in reply to ghitaPVH)

Post #: 10

RE: getting past that "omg this is abuse" fee... - 1/4/2008 11:01:11 AM

beargonewild

Posts: 22716
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: ottRopesandKnots

Why do people always want to change their partners? It sounds like she's tried, he's not really into it, and she needs to accept that.

I'll counter anyone who says "He should change for her" by saying "She should change for him".

I don't see it as the partner trying to change him. It's more the fact that he be given the opportunities and means to gain more knowledge and a clearer understanding. After that, only HE himself can truely decide to change or not.

Why not both make small changes for each other? Seems to me that is also referred to as compromising which benefits both people.

< Message edited by beargonewild -- 1/4/2008 11:03:27 AM >

_____________________________

Do Not Rile da Chosen Bear

Promiscuous boy you already know
That I’m all yours what you waiting for?

Resident MANWHORE ~1000 Bear pts~

10 NZ points
Whips~n~Cuffs

(in reply to ottRopesandKnots)

Post #: 11

RE: getting past that "omg this is abuse" fee... - 1/4/2008 11:06:14 AM

mnottertail

Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
Status: offline

I wrote a post, my computer locked up......

MasterFireMaaM said exactly what I would have in the first paragraph.....had it survived, she is far to cultured to think along the lines of my second paragraph, reconstituted here for posterity.....

Have him think of it this way, womens are crazy anyway; they gotta be...who in their right mind would let anybody stick something that looked like a penis in them other than crazywomens???

So, their getting off on a little slap and tickle is not something one should marvel at.

Ron

_____________________________

Have they not divided the prey; to every man a damsel or two? Judges 5:30

(in reply to beargonewild)

Post #: 12

RE: getting past that "omg this is abuse" fee... - 1/4/2008 11:09:17 AM

darkpassenger434

Posts: 138
Joined: 1/1/2008
Status: offline

I'm sure there is a certain amount of understanding and "getting used to it" that can help. However, at the end of the day this person is going to have to decided if they like it, do they want to live that way? If not, I don't know if the could be happy, even if they could "fake it".
-R

_____________________________

"The man who says it cannot be done should not interrupt the man doing it."

(in reply to beargonewild)

Post #: 13

RE: getting past that "omg this is abuse" fee... - 1/4/2008 11:20:01 AM

beargonewild

Posts: 22716
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline

That is what I'm trying to get across. With being better informed and having a clearer understanding will enable the person to better decide what he is comfortable with and what he is not comfortable with. Afterwards, he can decide which path he wants to follow.

_____________________________

Do Not Rile da Chosen Bear

Promiscuous boy you already know
That I’m all yours what you waiting for?

Resident MANWHORE ~1000 Bear pts~

10 NZ points
Whips~n~Cuffs

(in reply to darkpassenger434)

Post #: 14

RE: getting past that "omg this is abuse" fee... - 1/4/2008 11:27:01 AM

pompeii

Posts: 934
Joined: 1/4/2007
From: Silicon Valley, San Jose, California
Status: offline

quote:

How do you keep yourself from wincing everytime she winces?

You're pretty close when you feel their pain. It does seem to be an enigma. I feel for you.

(in reply to darkpassenger434)

Post #: 15

RE: getting past that "omg this is abuse" fee... - 1/4/2008 11:33:10 AM

CreativeDominant

Posts: 11032
Joined: 3/11/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: ghitaPVH

No, this isnt me. Yes, this is a very real person. I dont know how to answer them because Ive never been in this situation. Please help.Ive given him Screw the Roses, Different loving, and SM101. Somehow its not helping.

So, say you're this total (well, mostly) vanilla person who gets drug to a few play parties, so you are aware of BDSM but still not really into it and never took the time to really learn anything other than what you saw happen at an occasional play party, then all of a sudden one day you find yourself dating a total pain slut and they want you to tie them up and spank them so you do because you want to make her happy but every time you try you get these awful feelings that you arent supposed to be doing this to someone you care about. So you try to casually play with others to learn more and yo realize that you have no problems hurting other girls, just the girl you care about so now shes mad because she sees you do all these things to other chicks but you refuse to do it to her when she's the one who really wants it and doesnt understand why you wont. So how do you get past that feeling? How do you make yourself realize that it isnt abuse if she's asking for it and obviously enjoys it? How do you keep yourself from wincing everytime she winces?

ghita~

My being able to get past it was a combination of factors...like TD&W, I too read parts of The Loving Dominant. Having read Screw The Roses and SM 101 and Different Loving, the perspectives from all the books helped. In addition, I have noted that my first submissive and I were doing a lot of exploring together and this came up in one of our discussions as I began to feel it happening to me the more time I spent with her. I had read the books and the light was beginning to come on but it wasn't until she said "think of it this way...for you to show me that you love and want me sexually and not just as a friend, you show that love by hurting me. Those tears are tears of joy and sexuality and love expressed. When you don't hurt me, it makes me feel that your love is starting to die. And I don't want that...I'd rather walk now".

I still struggle with it to a small extent...but all I have to do is remember what I have read, practice what I have learned, and set those new pathways each time I start caring so that I walk down the right path for me...and for the one I care about.

(in reply to ghitaPVH)

Post #: 16

RE: getting past that "omg this is abuse" fee... - 1/4/2008 1:35:12 PM

slavemaia

Posts: 395
Joined: 8/26/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MasterFireMaam

Until he figures out WHY he feels it's wrong, he won't be able to get past it. Nothing you or anyone else says will change him. He's got to look inside and figure it out.

Master Fire

Exactly! Seems too many people think they have the power, responsibility or whatever to change someone else. Can't be done.

_____________________________

She reaches up, not for the apple, but for what causes it to be there.
slave to love - - Chairman's maia

(in reply to MasterFireMaam)

Post #: 17

RE: getting past that "omg this is abuse" fee... - 1/4/2008 2:10:12 PM

lateralist1

Posts: 886
Joined: 11/22/2006
Status: offline

Why should he want to get past it?
If he doesn't want to he doesn't want to.
Sure he can do it to other women because he is in control. He stops when he wants to.
Ever thought it's because she wants it more than him that is his problem?
Topping from the bottom doesn't work.

(in reply to slavemaia)

Post #: 18

RE: getting past that "omg this is abuse" fee... - 1/4/2008 2:18:00 PM

agoodgirl4Daddy

Posts: 336
Joined: 10/25/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: ghitaPVH

No, this isnt me. Yes, this is a very real person. I dont know how to answer them because Ive never been in this situation. Please help.Ive given him Screw the Roses, Different loving, and SM101. Somehow its not helping.

So, say you're this total (well, mostly) vanilla person who gets drug to a few play parties, so you are aware of BDSM but still not really into it and never took the time to really learn anything other than what you saw happen at an occasional play party, then all of a sudden one day you find yourself dating a total pain slut and they want you to tie them up and spank them so you do because you want to make her happy but every time you try you get these awful feelings that you arent supposed to be doing this to someone you care about. So you try to casually play with others to learn more and yo realize that you have no problems hurting other girls, just the girl you care about so now shes mad because she sees you do all these things to other chicks but you refuse to do it to her when she's the one who really wants it and doesnt understand why you wont. So how do you get past that feeling? How do you make yourself realize that it isnt abuse if she's asking for it and obviously enjoys it? How do you keep yourself from wincing everytime she winces?

ghita~

i believe that most people who enjoy SM are WIRED that way. i have an ex who TRIED to "get it"...even understood it on a cognitive level but never was able to enjoy inflicting pain on me.

If he can inflict pain on others and truly ENJOY it..or get some satisfaction, energy, buzz from it....maybe there's a chance that he can get past that emotional barrier. Continued involvement with the BDSM community AND with SM couples who can model SM between loving partners could possibly help. A Loving Dominant mentor could be helpful as well.

_____________________________

~We do not see things as they are - we see them as we are.~ Anais Nin

(in reply to ghitaPVH)

Post #: 19

RE: getting past that "omg this is abuse" fee... - 1/4/2008 2:22:10 PM

slavegirljoy

Posts: 1207
Joined: 11/6/2006
From: North Carolina, USA
Status: offline

Well, since the fella doesn't have a problem hurting girls, just a problem with hurting his girlfriend, it sounds like he does already have a sadistic streak in him and it's just that he has a mental block against hurting the one girl that he has feelings for. Maybe, instead of reading about SM, he needs to have a clearer idea about the difference between SM and abuse. Here's something i stumbled onto awhile back and i thought it was good. If you think it might help, pass it along to him.

THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN SM AND ABUSE
- a statement from Lesbian Sex Mafia (LSM) http://lesbiansexmafia.com/smandabuse.html

SM: An SM scene is a controlled situation.
ABUSE: Abuse is an out-of-control situation.

SM: Negotiation occurs before an SM scene to determine what will and will not happen in that scene.
ABUSE: One person determines what will happen.

SM: Knowledgable consent is given to the scene by all parties.
ABUSE: No consent is asked for or given.

SM: The "bottom" has a safeword that allows them to stop the scene at any time they need to for physical or emotional reasons.
ABUSE: The person being abused cannot stop what is happenning.

SM: Everyone involved in the SM scene is concerned about needs, desires, and limits of others.
ABUSE: No concern is given to the needs, desires, and limits of the abused person.

SM: The people in the SM scene are careful to be sure that they are not impaired by alcohol or drug use during the scene.
ABUSE: Alcohol or drugs are often used before an episode of abuse.

SM: After an SM scene, the people involved feel good.
ABUSE: After an episode of abuse, the people involved feel bad.

By the way, the fact that he is concerned about hurting his girlfriend should tell him that he is not abusive. If he were abusive, he probably wouldn't even be worried about it. Also, abusive behavior usually results from anger and uncontrollable rage. As long as he isn't angry or in a fit of rage when he is engaging in SM with her, he should feel confident that he isn't abusing her.

slave joy
Owned property of Master David

< Message edited by slavegirljoy -- 1/4/2008 2:24:35 PM >

(in reply to ghitaPVH)

Post #: 20

Page: [1] 2 3 4 5 next > >>

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> getting past that "omg this is abuse" feeling

Page: [1] 2 3 4 5 next > >>

Jump to:

New Messages	No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages	Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages	Locked w/o New Messages

Post New Thread

Reply to Message

Post New Poll

Submit Vote

Delete My Own Post

Delete My Own Thread

Rate Posts

Collarchat.com © 2025

Terms of Service

0.094