RE: New Dom faux pas?

RE: New Dom faux pas? (Full Version)

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CalifChick -> RE: New Dom faux pas? (1/5/2008 5:16:51 PM)
Elorin: I understand what you're saying. But the wording (to me, and maybe only to me [;)]) minimizes your error and really maximizes mine. In this case, I think it would show more compassion to just take the blame. Or perhaps reword it to, "I'm disappointed in myself that I made this error, I'm disappointed that it was compounded by your inaction." I dunno, something like that. Although it looks like the whole thing is crap anyway. LOL. Cali

Elorin -> RE: New Dom faux pas? (1/5/2008 5:27:40 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: CalifChick Elorin: I understand what you're saying. But the wording (to me, and maybe only to me [;)]) minimizes your error and really maximizes mine. In this case, I think it would show more compassion to just take the blame. Or perhaps reword it to, "I'm disappointed in myself that I made this error, I'm disappointed that it was compounded by your inaction." I dunno, something like that. Although it looks like the whole thing is crap anyway. LOL. The assumption made is that when I made the error, I took the blame, and that is over and past now. Not knowing how that conversation went, there is no telling. I will say that regardless of past mistakes I have made, I don't forgive a submissive automatically for their mistakes just because I made a mistake first. We all get to take our blame equally, and I'm not going to accept someone saying "You never should have asked for this!" as an excuse for making a promise they didn't keep. Maybe I should have, maybe I shouldn't. Particularly if <i>I have already accepted and admitted that</i> the blame for insisting on following through falls squarely on the sub who said she'd do it. I never should have asked in the first place? Well, if it was already covered, why'd you agree to do it?

justheather -> RE: New Dom faux pas? (1/5/2008 5:39:03 PM)
Well that will teach me to post before reading the whole thread, won't it now?

AquaticSub -> RE: New Dom faux pas? (1/5/2008 6:02:13 PM)
If we were simply talking, hadn't met, weren't in a relationship and I was still talking to other dominants, it's very unlikely I would accept any order from you at all. I certainly wouldn't accept any form of punishment from you because you would lack that authority. Even if I agreed to do it and then failed to complete the task, I wouldn't accept a punishment beyond what any friend of mine would give if I promised to do something and didn't follow through: A "Hey you really let me down, please don't do that again. It makes it hard to trust you." As for how you'll know when a submissive is ready... she'll let you know. I personally view it as any other relationship - there are stages and when one of us feels ready, we'll talk about it. Talking is good.

antipode -> RE: New Dom faux pas? (1/6/2008 5:49:06 AM)
She is playing cybergames, and maybe you are too, this is nothing to do with BDSM, just some people fantasizing. ---------------- Trixie: That's right Ralph, Carlos is teaching us the mambo. Ralph Kramden: Ohhhhhhh, Carlos is teaching you the mambo... that puts a different light on everything... when I first came in here, I didn't know what you were doing... now I know, Carlos is teaching you the mambo... that makes a world of difference... One of these days, one of these days... POW! RIGHT IN THE KISSER!

DiosDeEsclavas -> RE: New Dom faux pas? (1/6/2008 8:41:29 PM)
Thank you all so much for your comments. I wish I had time to write may responses. I really have learned so much from this experience. For the record, the original request was for an email of like 3 sentences, and she knew this. That doesn't change anything however. I was still wrong. I hate being wrong. As for the result, I got an emailed response to an email I had sent her. "...i have been trying to upset You so that You will walk away from me being mad, then i would not have to feel upset because i have hurt You..." I'm not sure I totally understand that logic. It may be a lie anyway just to say good bye to me. However once again, still my fault. I had see the wording ums, but didn't realize it's importance. I did not think acknowledging there existence would be a problem, and an um is an um no matter what you call it. Seems like what you say about them is what matters, but I guess it's a good rule just so people remember how important it is not to say the wrong thing... another faux pas. DiosDeEsclavas bows in self abasement

RoughFN -> RE: New Dom faux pas? (1/7/2008 10:30:32 AM)
quote: "...i have been trying to upset You so that You will walk away from me being mad, then i would not have to feel upset because i have hurt You..." I'm not sure I totally understand that logic. It may be a lie anyway just to say good bye to me. However once again, still my fault. The logic's easy - I'm going to try to make you break up with me so I don't need to feel guilty about breaking up with you. You'll get mad at her and not pine for her, the anger you'll feel isn't "real" (in her mind), she'll feel that she let you down more easily. It's a not uncommon practice everywhere, vanilla, bdsm, etc. Actually, I'll go so far as to say that it's evidence that you didn't really lose anything. BDSM relationships absolutely require an extreme degree of trust. The sub has to trust the dom not to seriously injure her, the dom has to trust that the sub actually wants this, is healthy (as opposed to looking for abuse), and will let him know if something's gone wrong. And she didn't do that. Instead of just saying that she wasn't interested or walking away or any number of other honorable things up front, she decided to hide it and try to manipulate you into doing it for her. Big red flag. If she was willing to do that to you up front initially, what would she be willing to do in scene? What would she hide from you in a relationships? Yes, yes, there is the possibility that she was just scared or figured that since you screwed this up, you might go nuts on her, so that letting you down this way might've been easier. But I just don't buy it. She couldn't tell you about this and instead tried to manipulate you. So mistakes were made all around. You goofed up and you know not to do it again in the future. But this girl specifically doesn't sound like that big a loss regardless. Better luck next time.

Mirko -> RE: New Dom faux pas? (1/17/2008 5:36:20 PM)
It's called congruency. They did a study on beta and alpha males, and found that beta males can say the exact same thing as an alpha male, but it has no effect on the women. It's all about your body language and tonality, remember thats 90% of your communication right there. Hahaha who would've guessed? @the original poster: I'd say chalk this one up to experience. You already lost her, and I would focus more on actually developing yourself outside of online. You'd be better off going to a local munch or fetish event, or even just talking with women and that would do a lot to improve your inner self, which will go leagues to making yourself a more authoritative person. all the best

Redoubt -> RE: New Dom faux pas? (1/17/2008 6:23:44 PM)
First off I commend you for putting your question here, despite some of the harsher responses you may get, there is often some very good advice that crops up from time to time. Secondly, don't be so hard on yourself, you're new at this, and as long as you keep your efforts small to start with, the chance of you doing harm is relatively small. Most of the points that I noticed have already been addressed. There is nothing "wrong" with exploring an online D/s relationship provided you understand the limits inherent in the medium. There is also nothing wrong with testing the water to see how a submissive will respond to your attempts at moving into a dominant role with them. I hope you have learned that small steps are best. Your assignment was, I believe, a little optimistic. Whether or not we choose to accept it, the act of submission isn't something that instantly happens. Despite all the fiction to the contrary. There can be a strong mutual attraction and a click, but unless you explore the dynamic together, you're asking for trouble if you are proceeding under the assumption "I'm dominant, she's submissive, and she knows I'm dominant therefore..." My advice is to keep reading and learning, and don't stop talking with any potential partner - communication is the KY Jelly of relationships. It's a lot less painful if you apply it liberally.

windandfire -> RE: New Dom faux pas? (1/17/2008 9:53:16 PM)
All I can add in addition to what I can see are fairly well thought out answers is that don't feel bad if you didn't get it quite right with this one. Someone else mentioned it, but not all subs are =. What you did with this one might have actually worked fine with another one. Probalby not most, but you are learning. What I'm trying to say is that you can do everything right and still not be the one for her. Don't feel bad, just move on and try to have fun. I mean, I've went the "how is your day" road before and been told that "I'm not enough of a Dom". So, do keep in mind what they want, but ultimately, if what they want isn't what you want, too, the relationship still isn't going to work.

venusinblu -> RE: New Dom faux pas? (1/18/2008 1:30:56 AM)
yes, yes, and yes - i agree with everything that BitaTruble said. It is logically thought out. Even the fact alone that your potential sub has ums and her time may not always be her own is grounds enough for her delays.

Justme696 -> RE: New Dom faux pas? (1/18/2008 4:04:19 AM)
I agree with many points that were told above. What I don't see mentioned is the fact people breaking promisses. Doesn't matter for me if that happens in vanilla or in the lifestyle. Don't you really want too...say NO, but don't make promisses you can't keep.

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