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RE: New Dom faux pas? - 1/5/2008 5:16:51 PM   
CalifChick


Posts: 10717
Joined: 10/28/2007
From: California
Status: offline 		Elorin:  I understand what you're saying.  But the wording (to me, and maybe only to me ) minimizes your error and really maximizes mine.  In this case, I think it would show more compassion to just take the blame.  Or perhaps reword it to, "I'm disappointed in myself that I made this error, I'm disappointed that it was compounded by your inaction."  I dunno, something like that.  Although it looks like the whole thing is crap anyway. LOL.

Cali


_____________________________

AKA "The Undisputed Goddess of Sarcasm", "Big Bad Cali" and "Yum Bum". Advisor to the Subbie Mafia, founding member of the W.A.C. and the Judgmental Bitches Brigade, member of the Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair-a's and Team Troll

(in reply to Elorin)
Profile   Post #: 41
RE: New Dom faux pas? - 1/5/2008 5:27:40 PM   
Elorin


Posts: 970
Joined: 8/22/2004
From: San Antonio, TX
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: CalifChick
Elorin:  I understand what you're saying.  But the wording (to me, and maybe only to me ) minimizes your error and really maximizes mine.  In this case, I think it would show more compassion to just take the blame.  Or perhaps reword it to, "I'm disappointed in myself that I made this error, I'm disappointed that it was compounded by your inaction."  I dunno, something like that.  Although it looks like the whole thing is crap anyway. LOL.

The assumption made is that when I made the error, I took the blame, and that is over and past now. Not knowing how that conversation went, there is no telling.

I will say that regardless of past mistakes I have made, I don't forgive a submissive automatically for their mistakes just because I made a mistake first. We all get to take our blame equally, and I'm not going to accept someone saying "You never should have asked for this!" as an excuse for making a promise they didn't keep. Maybe I should have, maybe I shouldn't. Particularly if <i>I have already accepted and admitted that</i> the blame for insisting on following through falls squarely on the sub who said she'd do it.

I never should have asked in the first place? Well, if it was already covered, why'd you agree to do it?

_____________________________

'cause when i look down /i just miss all the good stuff / when i look up / i just trip over things

(in reply to CalifChick)
Profile   Post #: 42
RE: New Dom faux pas? - 1/5/2008 5:39:03 PM   
justheather


Posts: 1532
Joined: 10/4/2005
Status: offline 		Well that will teach me to post before reading the whole thread, won't it now?

< Message edited by justheather -- 1/5/2008 5:41:09 PM >

_____________________________

I want the scissors to be sharp
And the table perfectly level
When you cut me out of my life
And paste me in that book you always carry.
-Billy Collins

(in reply to christine1)
Profile   Post #: 43
RE: New Dom faux pas? - 1/5/2008 6:02:13 PM   
AquaticSub


Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline 		If we were simply talking, hadn't met, weren't in a relationship and I was still talking to other dominants, it's very unlikely I would accept any order from you at all. I certainly wouldn't accept any form of punishment from you because you would lack that authority. Even if I agreed to do it and then failed to complete the task, I wouldn't accept a punishment beyond what any friend of mine would give if I promised to do something and didn't follow through: A "Hey you really let me down, please don't do that again. It makes it hard to trust you."

As for how you'll know when a submissive is ready... she'll let you know. I personally view it as any other relationship - there are stages and when one of us feels ready, we'll talk about it. Talking is good.

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to DiosDeEsclavas)
Profile   Post #: 44
RE: New Dom faux pas? - 1/6/2008 5:49:06 AM   
antipode


Posts: 1787
Joined: 4/19/2004
Status: offline 		She is playing cybergames, and maybe you are too, this is nothing to do with BDSM, just some people fantasizing.


----------------

Trixie: That's right Ralph, Carlos is teaching us the mambo.
Ralph Kramden: Ohhhhhhh, Carlos is teaching you the mambo... that puts a different light on everything... when I first came in here, I didn't know what you were doing... now I know, Carlos is teaching you the mambo... that makes a world of difference... One of these days, one of these days... POW! RIGHT IN THE KISSER!

(in reply to DiosDeEsclavas)
Profile   Post #: 45
RE: New Dom faux pas? - 1/6/2008 8:41:29 PM   
DiosDeEsclavas


Posts: 13
Joined: 12/4/2007
Status: offline 		Thank you all so much for your comments.  I wish I had time to write may responses.  I really have learned so much from this experience.  For the record, the original request was for an email of like 3 sentences, and she knew this.  That doesn't change anything however.  I was still wrong.  I hate being wrong.  As for the result,  I got an emailed response to an email I had sent her.

"...i have been trying to upset You so that You will walk away from me being mad, then i would not have to feel upset because i have hurt You..."

I'm not sure I totally understand that logic.  It may be a lie anyway just to say good bye to me.  However once again, still my fault.

I had see the wording ums, but didn't realize it's importance.  I did not think acknowledging there existence would be a problem, and an um is an um no matter what you call it.  Seems like what you say about them is what matters, but I guess it's a good rule just so people remember how important it is not to say the wrong thing... another faux pas.

**DiosDeEsclavas bows in self abasement**

(in reply to antipode)
Profile   Post #: 46
RE: New Dom faux pas? - 1/7/2008 10:30:32 AM   
RoughFN


Posts: 197
Joined: 7/26/2006
Status: offline
quote:

"...i have been trying to upset You so that You will walk away from me being mad, then i would not have to feel upset because i have hurt You..."

I'm not sure I totally understand that logic. It may be a lie anyway just to say good bye to me. However once again, still my fault.


The logic's easy - I'm going to try to make you break up with me so I don't need to feel guilty about breaking up with you. You'll get mad at her and not pine for her, the anger you'll feel isn't "real" (in her mind), she'll feel that she let you down more easily. It's a not uncommon practice everywhere, vanilla, bdsm, etc.

Actually, I'll go so far as to say that it's evidence that you didn't really lose anything. BDSM relationships absolutely require an extreme degree of trust. The sub has to trust the dom not to seriously injure her, the dom has to trust that the sub actually wants this, is healthy (as opposed to looking for abuse), and will let him know if something's gone wrong.

And she didn't do that. Instead of just saying that she wasn't interested or walking away or any number of other honorable things up front, she decided to hide it and try to manipulate you into doing it for her. Big red flag. If she was willing to do that to you up front initially, what would she be willing to do in scene? What would she hide from you in a relationships?

Yes, yes, there is the possibility that she was just scared or figured that since you screwed this up, you might go nuts on her, so that letting you down this way might've been easier. But I just don't buy it. She couldn't tell you about this and instead tried to manipulate you.

So mistakes were made all around. You goofed up and you know not to do it again in the future. But this girl specifically doesn't sound like that big a loss regardless. Better luck next time.

(in reply to DiosDeEsclavas)
Profile   Post #: 47
RE: New Dom faux pas? - 1/17/2008 5:36:20 PM   
Mirko


Posts: 17
Joined: 12/12/2006
Status: offline 		It's called congruency. They did a study on beta and alpha males, and found that beta males can say the exact same thing as an alpha male, but it has no effect on the women. It's all about your body language and tonality, remember thats 90% of your communication right there. Hahaha who would've guessed?

@the original poster: I'd say chalk this one up to experience. You already lost her, and I would focus more on actually developing yourself outside of online. You'd be better off going to a local munch or fetish event, or even just talking with women and that would do a lot to improve your inner self, which will go leagues to making yourself a more authoritative person.

all the best


< Message edited by Mirko -- 1/17/2008 5:39:45 PM >

(in reply to xxblushesxx)
Profile   Post #: 48
RE: New Dom faux pas? - 1/17/2008 6:23:44 PM   
Redoubt


Posts: 185
Joined: 8/11/2007
Status: offline 		First off I commend you for putting your question here, despite some of the harsher responses you may get, there is often some very good advice that crops up from time to time.

Secondly, don't be so hard on yourself, you're new at this, and as long as you keep your efforts small to start with, the chance of you doing harm is relatively small.

Most of the points that I noticed have already been addressed. There is nothing "wrong" with exploring an online D/s relationship provided you understand the limits inherent in the medium. There is also nothing wrong with testing the water to see how a submissive will respond to your attempts at moving into a dominant role with them. I hope you have learned that small steps are best. Your assignment was, I believe, a little optimistic.

Whether or not we choose to accept it, the act of submission isn't something that instantly happens. Despite all the fiction to the contrary. There can be a strong mutual attraction and a click, but unless you explore the dynamic together, you're asking for trouble if you are proceeding under the assumption "I'm dominant, she's submissive, and she knows I'm dominant therefore..."

My advice is to keep reading and learning, and don't stop talking with any potential partner - communication is the KY Jelly of relationships. It's a lot less painful if you apply it liberally.

(in reply to Mirko)
Profile   Post #: 49
RE: New Dom faux pas? - 1/17/2008 9:53:16 PM   
windandfire


Posts: 3
Joined: 11/17/2006
Status: offline 		All I can add in addition to what I can see are fairly well thought out answers is that don't feel bad if you didn't get it quite right with this one.  Someone else mentioned it, but not all subs are =.  What you did with this one might have actually worked fine with another one.  Probalby not most, but you are learning.  What I'm trying to say is that you can do everything right and still not be the one for her.  Don't feel bad, just move on and try to have fun.  I mean, I've went the "how is your day" road before and been told that "I'm not enough of a Dom".  So, do keep in mind what they want, but ultimately, if what they want isn't what you want, too, the relationship still isn't going to work.

(in reply to KatyLied)
Profile   Post #: 50
RE: New Dom faux pas? - 1/18/2008 1:30:56 AM   
venusinblu


Posts: 165
Joined: 1/12/2008
Status: offline 		yes, yes, and yes - i agree with everything that BitaTruble said.  It is logically thought out.

Even the fact alone that your potential sub has ums and her time may not always be her own is grounds enough for her delays. 

(in reply to BitaTruble)
Profile   Post #: 51
RE: New Dom faux pas? - 1/18/2008 4:04:19 AM   
Justme696


Posts: 3236
Joined: 1/7/2008
From: Royal kingdom of the Netherlands
Status: offline 		I agree with many points that were told above.
What I don't see mentioned is the fact people breaking promisses. Doesn't matter for me if that happens in vanilla or in the lifestyle. Don't you really want too...say NO, but don't make promisses you can't keep.


_____________________________

~Been there, done that, got the t-shirt

(in reply to KatyLied)
Profile   Post #: 52
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