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Being Cautious!!! - 1/6/2008 1:46:14 PM   
DavidSedgrave


Posts: 3
Joined: 1/4/2008
Status: offline 		Greetings everyone,
I would like some advice, I set up a profile on this sight recently, and have run into some issues.  I did not post a picture with my profile, and I am very cautious with giving out information and with initial emails with new sub/slaves.  I was actually called inexperienced and paranoid by one because I wanted more information from her before I would send a pic.  I was exploited before on a sight a few years ago, a femal posed as a sub, her and her boyfriend tried to extort me for money.  I am not a famous person, but my job is in the public eye so to speak, I took the advice of some close friends and have stayed away from the internet for meeting like minded people.  I wanted to give it a second chance and it is not starting out that great.  My question is, do you all think I am over reacting and being paranoid.  I am normally not as cautious when I meet a  sub in person because, well you can get a better feel for who they are and what they are like, nothing like looking into someones eyes to see the soul.  The computer is rather difficult. 
Any advice would be appreciated.
DS
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Being Cautious!!! - 1/6/2008 1:52:11 PM   
christine1


Posts: 6155
Joined: 12/15/2007
From: i'm headed to HIM...
Status: offline 		i think you should ignore the people that get upset just because you want to get to know them a little before you give any details.  i've been called all kinds of names and one has actually stuck that i like lol.  i'd just try to have fun and make some friends first and maybe something will develop after a basic friendship is started with someone.

_____________________________

i am woman! er, godzilla! hear me roar!

http://wavcentral.com/cgi-bin/log/log.cgi?id=2856&sound=/sounds/movies/godzilla/roar.mp3


He's the "boom" overwhelming...

He is my Master, my lover, my best friend my everything.

(in reply to DavidSedgrave)
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RE: Being Cautious!!! - 1/6/2008 1:55:54 PM   
winterlight


Posts: 1319
Joined: 2/18/2006
Status: offline 		i am cautious also. I agree with U that U need to know somebody for awhile before You give them Your picture. There is nothing wrong with that!
It is best to go slow and that is how i am. If they don't like it that is their problem!!

(in reply to christine1)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: Being Cautious!!! - 1/6/2008 1:57:41 PM   
KnOcala


Posts: 260
Joined: 12/19/2007
Status: offline 		I also have a need to be cautious however once in a while I take a chance.  I have been to local munch groups.  A great place to meet people with siminalr interests but I haven't met anyone for me at any.  But if you don't take a chance and put yourself out there, you'll never meet anyone.  You have to trust your insticts.  I will not be messaging someone, then talking on the phone before I want to meet them.  Somewhere public and not in a fetish scene.  However, if you are speaking with someone that you are not sure of, find out if he/she is in a group that meets regularly and attend a meeting/munch.  If they are up to no good everyone will know it. 
I feel confindent in my abilities to adjust to and handle any situation. 
Do what you need to to feel safe, but if someone was trying to do a background seach and probing me up and down I would tell them to hit the road.  The lifestyle demands a lot of trust, be careful where you place it.


(in reply to DavidSedgrave)
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RE: Being Cautious!!! - 1/6/2008 2:17:20 PM   
ksub4u


Posts: 124
Joined: 11/27/2007
Status: offline 		I think it's smart to be cautious.  Some men have asked me for a pic within the first email.  Others wait until further communication is established.  I had to ask my Master for his pic because after several emails I was really curious about him!  It does get tricky because you really do depend on the words on a screen to see if you're connecting with someone - and then if you do connect, what if you don't like what he/she looks like at all?  But I do err on the side of caution.

(in reply to DavidSedgrave)
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RE: Being Cautious!!! - 1/6/2008 2:29:35 PM   
TallDarkAndWitty


Posts: 1893
Joined: 6/12/2004
From: Rochester, NY
Status: offline 		Shit...I am about as out as you get.  My name, my phone number, my address, everything about me is available from the information in my profile.  I have been this way for about 4 years.

I have never had one single problem.  Not one.  When I meet a new slave who I want toget serious about, I send her an "Introduction Package" that has not only a copy of my drivers license, but my SSN as well.  All of this before I get even a real name from her.  I have never had one single problem.

I use my "outness" as a defense against blackmail.  I am open and honest and I really don't care who know what I do with my time out of work.  I have my own webpage, and people frm my work hit my page once a month or so, so I figure they know about me too...they have never said anything.

Maybe I am lucky, or maybe you all are paranoid...or embarassed about who and what you are.  I try not to judge...

Taggard


_____________________________

A most rewarding compliment is an insult from the ill-informed.


My slave: Kat (RainaVerene on the other side) and her website: RainaVerene.com

(in reply to DavidSedgrave)
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RE: Being Cautious!!! - 1/6/2008 2:30:10 PM   
jesiul


Posts: 111
Joined: 7/16/2005
Status: offline 		Years ago I had a rope bondage scene with a Dominant I was friends with; he took photos for both of us to have. Six months later while chatting with a Dominant online he sent me a photo…Yep it was of me. It took me 9 years to get over that, before I posted pictures on my profile.

On the other side of that, if after a few emails and mutual interest a Dominant is unwilling to send me a photo, I tend to back away. For me I want to know who I am talking with, putting a face with a name

It is truly about trust, if he is not willing to trust me then there is no need to continue speaking. But again this is based upon mutual interest.

~jesi~

_____________________________

*When others asked the truth of me, I was convinced it was not the truth they wanted, but an illusion they could bear to live with.*

(in reply to ksub4u)
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RE: Being Cautious!!! - 1/6/2008 2:37:31 PM   
TallDarkAndWitty


Posts: 1893
Joined: 6/12/2004
From: Rochester, NY
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: jesiul
Yep it was of me. It took me 9 years to get over that, before I posted pictures on my profile.


Just curious, why did that bother you so much?  You did it...people must have liked it to find it online somewhere.  Why 9 years of trauma over a picture of something you did?

Taggard


_____________________________

A most rewarding compliment is an insult from the ill-informed.


My slave: Kat (RainaVerene on the other side) and her website: RainaVerene.com

(in reply to jesiul)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Being Cautious!!! - 1/6/2008 2:41:56 PM   
RedMagic1


Posts: 6470
Joined: 5/10/2007
Status: offline 		I am a public figure, and getting public-er.  I think Taggard/TallDarkAndWitty is 100% correct.  What's the big deal?  My parents have known for a gazillion years, my siblings know, my former gf's know, some of my friends and colleagues know.  No one has ever given me a bad time about it, wanted to stop talking with me, wanted to stop working with me.  As I've posted before, throughout my life most of my Platonic friends have been women, so it's not as though the ladies get weirded out because I'm kinky.

If *you* act as though it's something shameful and bad, people will think there is something shameful and bad about it.  If *you* act as though it's no big whoop, nobody else is going to care for very long.

I think you should ask yourself very hard whether you are comfortable with yourself yet.  You don't seem that way to me.

Edited to add: this is directed to the OP, not jesiul.


< Message edited by RedMagic1 -- 1/6/2008 2:42:56 PM >

(in reply to jesiul)
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RE: Being Cautious!!! - 1/6/2008 2:45:44 PM   
TallDarkAndWitty


Posts: 1893
Joined: 6/12/2004
From: Rochester, NY
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: RedMagic1
If *you* act as though it's no big whoop, nobody else is going to care for very long.


One of my favorite quotes:  "We probably wouldn't worry about what people think of us if we could know how seldom they do." - Olin Miller


_____________________________

A most rewarding compliment is an insult from the ill-informed.


My slave: Kat (RainaVerene on the other side) and her website: RainaVerene.com

(in reply to RedMagic1)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Being Cautious!!! - 1/6/2008 3:06:50 PM   
giveeverything


Posts: 348
Joined: 9/4/2007
Status: offline 		All I can say is Wow, it's so great that some people have the privledge to be so out about it.  But that is a privledge.  It has a lot to do with what kind of work you do, where you live, etc.  I live in Utah, a very conservative state, and I do work that gets me noticed locally.  Could I continue doing the work I do and being associated with my kink interests, probably not.  Do I want to give up either things?  No.  So I'm cautious, careful, and considerate.  All the people I meet locally always discuss their need for discretion ...  it has a lot to do with location and local "community standards."  In a better world I'd love to just tell them all to fuck off... but I don't have that luxury.  Go with your gut on this one.  You know your circumstances better than anybody.  If somebody can't respect that, have some amount of understanding about that, well.. that's quite telling, isn't it.   

(in reply to TallDarkAndWitty)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Being Cautious!!! - 1/6/2008 3:19:08 PM   
TallDarkAndWitty


Posts: 1893
Joined: 6/12/2004
From: Rochester, NY
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: giveeverything
In a better world I'd love to just tell them all to fuck off...


This world will only get better if people are willing to be known for what they are.  I am not going after you individually, but imagine if every slightly deviant person in Utah actually was proud of their deviance.  The world would be a better place...

Taggard


_____________________________

A most rewarding compliment is an insult from the ill-informed.


My slave: Kat (RainaVerene on the other side) and her website: RainaVerene.com

(in reply to giveeverything)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Being Cautious!!! - 1/6/2008 3:21:03 PM   
Guilty1974


Posts: 467
Joined: 11/2/2005
From: Den Haag
Status: offline 		I don't think you're paranoid, people can have very legitimate concerns not to reveal their identity. I've chosen not to tell my colleagues because it's none of their business, and I won't post a picture on my profile. On the other hand, I don't take any active measures to keep it a secret either. My girlfriend is prominently featured on our bondage website, so anyone who knows our site and both of us can figure it out, and figure out my real name & full address within minutes for that matter. The more you do to hide it, the more vulnerable you get.

(in reply to giveeverything)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Being Cautious!!! - 1/6/2008 3:49:35 PM   
AquaticSub


Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline 		Being cautious is good but...

You can't expect her to provide information you aren't willing to provide yourself yet. She has every right to be cautious as well. If you just want to get to know her better before sending her a picture that is one thing, if by information you meant personal information (like a phone number or address) just so that you will send her a picture, I can understand why women are saying you are paranoid.

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to DavidSedgrave)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Being Cautious!!! - 1/6/2008 3:52:34 PM   
RedMagic1


Posts: 6470
Joined: 5/10/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: giveeverything

All I can say is Wow, it's so great that some people have the privledge to be so out about it.  But that is a privledge.  It has a lot to do with what kind of work you do, where you live, etc.  I live in Utah, a very conservative state, and I do work that gets me noticed locally. 

Um, well, I live in the well known Socialist bastion called Iowa, and before I moved here one of my primary professional responsibilities was organizing and running children's parties.  I've run at least 50 kids' events.  I've taught middle school. The largest group I've spoken before was about 780 people.

People have said identical things about community standards regarding, "I'm gay," "My sister's having a child out of wedlock," or, worse (?) "My daughter is dating a black man."  Is it a privilege to be able to say those things out loud, or a responsibility?

(in reply to giveeverything)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Being Cautious!!! - 1/6/2008 3:56:43 PM   
Guilty1974


Posts: 467
Joined: 11/2/2005
From: Den Haag
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: TallDarkAndWitty
but imagine if every slightly deviant person in Utah actually was proud of their deviance.  The world would be a better place...


I'm not proud of my deviance (that's just something I am, not much of an achievement), but I am proud of my bondage webiste, the skills I have, the workshops I've taugh to other interested people, etc. That doesn't mean I'm shouting it from the rooftops. If we were all out completely, yes, I think that would change the world, but for some individuals the price of being ahead of the crowd is just too high. I don't need to be a national test case, I've got a mortgage to pay. I don't like hiding it either. I go for the middle ground and see what happens.

(in reply to TallDarkAndWitty)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Being Cautious!!! - 1/6/2008 3:59:32 PM   
xxblushesxx


Posts: 9318
Joined: 11/3/2005
From: Kentucky
Status: offline 		Yes, it would be nice if everyone could be 'out'. Honey Master has a very public job, and this could seriously impair His career were others to know.
I think you are right to be careful.
That being said, we met on this site, and have been happilly 24/7 for almost two years now. It really can work.

~Christina

(in reply to RedMagic1)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Being Cautious!!! - 1/6/2008 4:00:09 PM   
AquaticSub


Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: RedMagic1

People have said identical things about community standards regarding, "I'm gay," "My sister's having a child out of wedlock," or, worse (?) "My daughter is dating a black man."  Is it a privilege to be able to say those things out loud, or a responsibility?



As far as I'm concerned, it's a bit of both.

Because some of the backlash for being out can be loss of custody and loss of employment, I don't blame someone a bit for being quiet about BDSM. Hell, I'm being quieter about it than I was. If you can be completely out and open about it, if you don't have to worry about having UMs taken away or losing your job then yes, please speak up! Let people know that many of the people who live like this aren't scary.

But if you have to worry about those other things as well... I'll always see it as parent's first duty is to their child. Others disagree with me, I know, that's just how I see it. I'm very out, but I'm being a bit quieter about it now that I know children are in my future. We'll see what the climate is like then. I plan on always being as out as I think I can be.

Edited for typos

< Message edited by AquaticSub -- 1/6/2008 4:02:03 PM >

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to RedMagic1)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Being Cautious!!! - 1/6/2008 4:10:21 PM   
SirMIkeSD


Posts: 613
Joined: 3/16/2007
From: San Diego, Ca
Status: offline 		I will not talk with someone unless I get a picture first or there is one on there profile.  If they don't want to give it, that is fine it is there choice, it's also mine not to talk with them.  But do I have an issue with someone not wanting to give one, NO.  I just won't chat with them.

Mike


(in reply to AquaticSub)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Being Cautious!!! - 1/6/2008 4:18:37 PM   
RedMagic1


Posts: 6470
Joined: 5/10/2007
Status: offline 		This will be my last post on this thread.  But please consider this.

If being out is so dangerous for a private citizen, there must be news stories of people who lost their job, kids, etc., as a result of this.  I don't mean owners of web sites here, or folks who were cheating on their spouses.  The facts, however, indicate a different trend.  Consider Ted Haggard, one of the most conservative Christian leaders in the country.  He bought illegal drugs from a male prostitute, was forgiven, and is still a respected pastor.

Please post a link to a news story that appeared in the last ten years of private non-pro individuals engaging in non-public kink who lost their family or career as a result of being BDSM-outed.

(in reply to AquaticSub)
Profile   Post #: 20
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